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TIFU by calling a locksmith to unlock my car

When I should have just used AAA, which I have. I was driving to the store to buy dog treats. I turned off my car and threw my keys onto the passenger seat while I checked my phone for messages. I got up and shut the door and realized….there they were. I’ve never locked myself out of my car before (or ever had a reason to use AAA) so this was basically my first ever on the road car-situation, and I panicked. I searched “locked keys in car” on my phone and found a local locksmith. The locksmith took about 25 minutes to arrive and charged me $125, which I initially felt okay about since I had talked him down from $170. I called my partner to let him know what happened (he was working earlier and I didn’t want to bother him) and the first thing he said was “did you call AAA?” I know this seems fairly minor (and re-reading it, it does come off as an advertisement…) but it’s shaken me up a bit. I hate being an anxious person who can’t take a deep breath and assess the situation. If I had just scrolled on my phone for two more seconds I would have seen AAA in the search results for “vehicle lockout” and would realize I could get this done for free. tl:dr I paid $125 for something I could have gotten for free because I don’t know how to use my head when shit goes down.

TIFU by letting my social anxiety fuel my generosity 😭

I was at a stop light in traffic earlier and saw this homeless guy who looked around my age or younger begging for money with no shoes or socks on. I see homeless people ALL THE TIME but something about this guy resonated with me. I remembered I had a $5 bill in my wallet so I signaled to him to come over and started going through my wallet to get the money. The $5 wasn't there ... Just a 20 😭 MAN. So I'm frantically rustling through my pockets looking for the $5 I KNOW I had before the light changes and can't find it and by now he's at my window doing the prayer hands at me 😬 I'm like bro I'm one paycheck away from being in your position I definitely was not trying to hand you a $20 while my gas tank is 2 sips away from E but it felt so rude to not hand him anything at that point and all I had was the $20. I know to somebody else that amount is probably minuscule but I felt like I was handing over my first born child. He seemed really grateful and I know I'll get it back eventually one way or another but I hope it's sooner than later because my chime spotme limit can only take me so far 😭💀 TL;DR: I let my social anxiety bully me into giving a homeless man my last dollar. Or maybe it was God working through me. Either way, I'm eating PB&J tonight 😂 EDIT: so I didn't realize I was out of bread until I went to make my PB&J 🤦‍♀️😂 used biscuits instead and it turned out DELICIOUS 😋👏 I hope the guy I gave my last $20 was able to get a meal he enjoyed just as much 😊

TIFU by giving my debit card info to a friend

🆕Finale update : I locked the card and called to cancel it the way you guys told me (Without my mother for y’all who told me to be more independent ) thanks guys for all the insight! Ill be more responsible with the future card 😊 I (16f) gave my debit card info to a friend (16f) a couple weeks ago because she didn’t have enough on her credit and needed to pay for a Uber to see her SO (16m) that has been in the hospital. Ik its a stupid idea to let someone take a picture of the front and back of your debit card but at the time I was running late for a test or quiz for my first period math class and felt obligated because the other friend chipped in. So she took the pictures and I ran to class. Fast forward she paid me back in cash 25 dollars and 5 dollars worth of food, as payment for the 30 bucks she used for the Uber . Fast forward to today she called my phone and asked if I had anything on my card to help pay for a Uber, I was hesitant and told her I only had $25 than I asked how much the Uber was and she said she would check and hung up the phone. She hasn’t called or texted me back yet. So I wrote this here. I realize that i created a situation for myself where I’ll feel obligated to help because they have the information anyways. Any advice to someone that has difficulty making and maintaining boundaries? Should I just carry cash instead of having it on the card? TL;DR I let my friend take pictures of my debit card for a Uber thinking she would only ask that one time but now called me asking if she could use it again for a Uber Edit : she was able to figure out the Uber on her own Edit 2: i’ll tell her that I can’t help her money wise and to delete the pictures just in case . Based on her reaction I’ll talk with my parents about replacing the card Edit 3: thank you guys for reminding just how big a deal this is and i should’ve listened to my hesitation first time Edit 4: I talked with my mom about replacing the card but she said to wait and check (whatever that means)

TIFU toilet paper can cause serious damage.

This one is actually from many years ago, but I always remember it as a learning moment. My college is known for their basketball program. When they won the Elite Eight game qualifying them for the Final Four, I joined a few thousand other students on the main campus to celebrate. People were cheering, dancing, drinking, climbing light poles and trees, and tossing around rolls of toilet paper that uncoiled like giant streamers. Before the Final Four game, I spend a couple days collecting rolls of toilet paper from the dorm bathrooms. This isn't your fluffy quilted butt paper, this is solid industrial single ply. I have enough to fill a paper grocery sack. So our team wins, they are heading to the Championship! I go on campus to join the chaos again, armed with a bag of dorm toilet paper on the roll. I take out one, unwind a few feet and give it a toss with a spin so it unravels over the crowd. Cheering! More people toss it around and the toilet paper spreads! I do this with several more rolls, doing a high arc for maximum spread and minimal impact. Then I miss throw one. Instead of that gentle arc, the toilet paper zips over the crowd and BAM!!! smacks into the face of a gal riding on her boyfriend's shoulders. She clutches her face and climbs down. I recognize her from working at the front desk of my dorm. I abandon the rest of the toilet paper somewhere and went back home. Next day I see that gal at the front desk, sporting a very impressive black eye. "Hey, what happened?" I asked. "I got hit by a beer bottle or something at the celebration yesterday." Awkwardly I said, "It was a roll of toilet paper, and I'm sorry." Stunned look. "You have got to be kidding." "Nope." Fortunately she was a good sport about it (obvious accident, no lasting damage). We worked together the next year and had the running joke about toilet paper causing black eyes. So if you see this Kendra, I'm still sorry about that. And I became more aware that actions can have very unintended consequences. TL;DR: A roll of institutional toilet paper can cause a black eye when throw into a crowd.

TIFU by rebooting in combat mode when I woke up from anesthesia.

Didn’t happen today, more like 14 years ago. Feels like a fever dream now. Fever nightmare? Anyways. Another recently posted story here reminded me of the first time I ever lost my ever loving mind. I got my wisdom teeth out when I was 18. It took an inordinate amount of anesthesia to get me under. I’ve been called (affectionately, mind you) “a hummingbird on crack” in terms of both energy levels and metabolism, so I think it probably has something to do with that? At least that’s what I’ve always chalked it up to. So how much anesthesia can a small teen girl possibly need? They had my mom sign some more forms, sent the CRNA home, called an actual anesthesiologist in, and I paid more money. Woo! When I woke up, it was clear to me that I had been the victim of bodily theft. They had stolen my teeth. At least, that’s the closest I can guess as to what I might have been thinking. Apparently I quickly and quietly pulled all of the gauze and packing out of my mouth, and then tried to sneak out but was caught. Let me tell you, I put up one helluva fight. Remember that small dinosaur from Jurassic Park that flairs his frills and sprays all that black gunk? At one point I channeled that lil guy’s spirit and spit blood *into* the face of an assistant. Like in her eyes, and I think some of it got in her mouth. Eventually my mother (a crna, ironically) got me into her car where I proceeded to shriek and wail that I was being kidnapped and tried to jump out of the car the whole way home. Well, sort of. She drove to an Olive Garden because I refused to go back to any house with her, so she just drove circles around the parking lot until I passed out and then went inside for a glass of wine. Well deserved, Ma. I don’t do well with anesthesia I guess. But back to that poor assistant. I felt so bad, I’ve never done anything like that in my life. I had to submit a blood test and then I took her flowers and a gift card. She had a black eye. Apparently I also head butted her. I just never came back and figured that was the best gift I could give her. TL;DR: I woke up in combat mode and tried to take out a dental assistant using biological warfare Edit: I do not have red hair. For those that do have red hair, *cue the late 90s War on Drugs commercial scary voice* this could happen to *YOU*. But seriously, red heads are known to have more adverse reactions to anesthesia than other people. People with red hair should be aware of this when going into surgery.

TIFU by asking for vagina records

Ok idk how to start but I work night shifts from 10pm to 630am. Usually I go to bed at 7am but had to take someone to a doctor's appointment. Side note, I've been having issue's with my vagina since getting my birth control. Naturally, ive been doing a lot of research to figure out whats going on, remedies, etc. Im also super busy with school and 2 jobs so ive been looking for some dog daycares in the area. All of which need a vaccination record. While I was waiting in the car (like 830am-9am) Im exhausted but trying to be productive while in the car waiting. So I start emailing the veterinarian office to get my dog's records. I send the email, drive home, get to sleep, and go to work. Today I'm off work just checking my email. Ads for sales, bills, receipts, etc... Then I see "Vagina Records " in big bold letters and im like wtf is this. Honestly I thought it was a random porn thing spamming me. I open it to unsubscribe and its talking about a dog and im more confused. Then I realized its the vet I was emailing yesterday. At first, I thought THEY made a typo. But then I go into my inbox to check "sent" messages just be sure and my stomach sinks. Appsrently yesterday I was so exhausted that I when I typed "v" into my phone it auto suggested "Vagina". I was just too damn tired to notice and sent the email. The vet replied and was professional enough to not mention the inappropriate subject line. Though I'm so embarrassed, gotta stay away from the vet for a few months... TLDR: Ive been researching for some bodily issues. I tried to email a vet about "vaccinations" but my phone auto corrected to "Vagina ". I didn't notice and sent it to the veterinarian.

TIFU by staying out after a concert

This is yesterday's fuckup which has spilled into today and its all going crazy. I (f16) am a frequent concert goer, most often at small clubs or bars to go see punk bands. I dont have many talents but one that i do possess is im quick to make friends in any situation. In last nights case, i was at a gig for a riot grrrl band and befriended a guy (M18) who we can call Matt, before the show. We stuck together for the night and both had a great time. We decided to keep hanging out afterwards, not wanting the night to end. This is where the fuck up begins. We are walking together through the streets, just generally chatting. So we get to an open square in the city, one which is very full at night, and sit down. At this point matt pulls out a cigarette, im fine with people smoking around me. However, i am 16, i do not smoke. We're sat in the centre of the courtyard and hes making a fool of himself trying and failing to use his lighter. I grabbed his lighter off him, and light it for him. We continue on with our conversation and plan to continue and he asks if i can carry some of his stuff , in his pockets, in my bag. I agree, and this includes his lighter and pack of cigarettes. We enjoy the rest of the night, with no big issues. This morning, i turn up at school like normal. I get to form time, and my form tutor asks to talk to me in private. She pulls me outside, and says "i saw you in the city centre last night" and im super confused. She sees my blank face and starts going off at me, about how what i was doing was illegal, that i was endangering my body, and that clearly i was mixed up with the wrong crowd. At this point i have caught on, she thinks she saw me smoking last night. Again, i do not smoke. I try to explain this, that i wasn't smoking and that really theres bigger issues in the world rn. Its been a couple hours since our first chat, ive been lectured by both her, my head of year and the pastoral care officer. Theres been threats to call home, threats to find matts college and report him, and questions about parental neglect letting me out until the AMs on a monday. My family are fine, as is matt. I cant help but feel that this whole situation is being blown out of proportion but theres nothing i can do anymore, ive told my story and they wont believe me. In the mean time, ive been updating matt on this and he thought it was hilarious until the threats to him getting reported. Now nobodies laughing. Im trying to see the bright side and think about this as just another funny story, but im afraid of my parents putting a leash on me after all of this. Hopefully this is the worst it gets, howrver my school are known for their dramatics TL;DR : my form tutor saw me "smoking" after a concert and is now convinced im neglected

TIFU by accepting to have s*x with a coworker.

She (43F) is always saying that she's ugly and old and stuff like that, that nobody she likes find her atractive, I (26M) am always saying she's pretty and hot 'cause it's true and to make her feel good, so... We were drinking some beers and she starts to undress, she asked if she's hot, and if i wanted to fuck her, i said yes, i was excited, but at the moment we started to have sex, my thing didn't work, so she was sad saying that it was because she wasn't atractive, but idk i was nervous, i made her feel bad and im so sad about it. For obvious reasons she doesnt want to talk to me and blocked from social network. Sorry for my bad english, not my first language TL;DR I tried having sex with a coworker to make her feel pretty, but my thing didn't work and made her feel bad.

TIFU by not remembering my partner’s birthday until that evening

my partner and I got sick in the middle of the week, causing us to cancel all the plans we had for his birthday over the weekend. Being violently made me fall behind on work, so I woke up today (his actual birthday) in a completely stressed mode because I have a ton of work I need to get done before we leave for vacation on Wednesday. I’ve given him several gifts throughout the week and one even arrived today, I just didn’t even think to say happy birthday. So here I am finished with work, took the dog to the park and then get home and relax for an hour and look at my calendar and ITS HIS BIRTHDAY and I didn’t say happy birthday yet. His parents even called him and I didn’t put 2 and 2 together because I was so focused on my stupid job. Argh I wanna effing scream and there’s so much history of his birthday sucking for him and here I just made it worse. So now I’m beside myself with regret and feelings of failure and he’s obviously hurt but trying to brush it off. FML I suck tl;dr I was mentally preoccupied by work and travel prep that I forgot to say happy birthday to my partner until that evening

TIFU by splitting four grams of Shrooms and going to the Smithsonian while hanging out for the first time.

Not today, but a week and a half ago is when the fuck-up occurred, but first, the night we met: I'm not much for social events, being cripplingly introverted, but through alcohol, all things are possible. So I attend this happy hour meet-up and things are going okay, with me drinking while letting others do the talking. Some time into the event, I get to talking with a girl (we'll call her "A") who seemingly shares my shyness, my "being new to this", and also, a fondness for being inebriated. Our conversation continues and while multiple other people engage the both of us, we primarily speak with each other, buy each other drinks, and split a serving of loaded tater tots. Following the event, we walk around a rainy D.C. night while observing traffic, drunk people, and eventually stopping at a Halal Guys before we separate. We exchange numbers and make plans to meet again. Those plans? Brunch, psychedelic mushrooms (decriminalized in D.C.), and wandering around. While walking around that night, we both talked about impulsive experiences we'd had, and agreed that sharing Shrooms would be an interesting time. I tell her my preferred brand from the dispensary I go to, and after some scrolling, we decide on an amount to split. So, Saturday comes. We meet at brunch, exchange pleasantries. We go to the dispensary, purchase a packet of four grams. We split the packet, and I again confirm if everything is good. She replies affirmatively, so each of us eats our two grams... and go to the Smithsonian. Now the Smithsonian itself was cool, we're both making jokes and polite conversation about phallic art and why fertility goddesses are so thicc. But some time into it the African canvasses and the Asian sculptures begin to dance. Lights begin to misbehave and I'm seeing patterns and shapes where there are none. This is normal, not my first rodeo, and only two grams at that. However, A is not doing so hot. I was overly cautious about messing up this first hang out, so I'm occasionally asking her if she's okay. At first she says she doesn't feel anything, but fifteen minutes into it she needs to sit down. She's grinning, which is only *more* of a mismatch between her sounding mildly disoriented and out of place. Asking if she'd like to relocate, we go to my favorite dive bar. I take a couple shots and an drinking a brew - usually my activities while Tripping - and meanwhile A looks visibly stuck. As if she'd fall through the seat if possible. I ask again if she's okay and now she states she wants to go home. I politely offer to get her an Über but she gets it herself. I ask *again* if there's anything I can do and: A: "Honestly you're fine, I just think I ate too much." Me: "Okay, no problem, I under-" A: "Like, I don't really know how I feel right now, this is just a **lot**. Me: "Okay, well can you let me know when you make it home?" A: "Sure, I'll keep you posted!" Fortunately, I did get a message when she got home, and I recommended she put on a nature documentary and listen to music for the rest of her trip. She didn't sound angry or spaced out, to my relief. Now that was a week and some change ago, and she hasn't messaged since, so I'm sending her a follow-up message... hoping for the best. TL;DR: met a girl at a meetup who seemed very into the same entertainment and substances that I am. We both misjudged her tolerance and she checked out early.

TIFU Pricked with dirty needle

Hi I’m 21F and a dental assistant, I was cleaning and accidentally got pricked a little in my knuckle with a used needle through my latex glove. It made a very very tiny dot that when I squeezed had blood come out a little. The patients medical history is clear but who really knows right?? I poured alcohol on it and put on a bandaid. My boss told me I was fine but after discussing with co workers I decided to go to the hospital. The doctor I saw basically asked me what I wanted to do. Apparently there is an anti viral medication u can take for a month (but it makes u very sick with stomach pain) and that can prevent u getting anything. However he suggested to see if the patient who’s needle pricked me to do bloodwork and if he’s clear then I’m fine and don’t need the meds. Unfortunately I’m not sure if the patient will be willing to do that:( I am caught up on all vaccinations. Im very stressed and scared I’m not sure what to do. TL;DR I got pricked on the knuckle with a used needle at work. EDIT: I went to the doctor who referred me to a positive care clinic that specializes in this stuff. I just left the apt with the doctor there and he says because of how minor the prick was and the location (on my knuckle) that he says the odds of me getting something r next to zero and it was likely salvia on the needle not blood. He did not want me to take the meds. EDIT # My work did get in touch with the patient. He said he didn’t have anything to disclose to us. He said he got bloodwork last week as a checkup and hasn’t heard back. He refused going to get more bloodwork (I’m in Canada btw) and basically just said he hasn’t heard back from the dr about the recent bloodwork he had. Unfortunately that’s the only info I could get- he’s not the friendliest.

TIFU by ordering a sandwich without my contact lenses

This literally just happened minutes ago. I slept in today and had to rush to get to work on time, so I didn't put in my contact lenses. I brought them with me and planned to put them in during a break, but my current lenses are slightly irritating to my eyes and my job doesn't require me to look at anything more than a few feet in front of my face so I just didn't bother with them. Fast forward to the end of my shift and I figure I'll treat myself to a sandwich on the way home, since today is the end of my work week and I'd been craving a sub for several days. I wanted a real sub, so Jimmy Johns and Subway were out of the question. There's a Jersey Mike's on the way home so I figured that would be suitable even though it's a chain, and I'd never been before so why not. I walk in and right away realize that I can't read the menu behind the counter at all. Like I could vaguely read the biggest letters naming the various sandwiches, but all the prices and other detailed information was completely illegible. No big deal, I think, I just want a boring ol' turkey sub...I'm sure it'll cost a little more than subway but how much can a turkey sandwich cost? Well fuck me, because apparently people are out here charging $20 for turkey sandwiches as if that's a completely normal and reasonable thing to do. I sincerely thought it was a mistake and asked if they had accidently charged me for 2 subs instead of 1. But no, they assured me that's what a 12" sandwich costs. Mind you, I didn't have any extra toppings or condiments, it wasn't toasted, it was a plain-ass turkey sandwich with mayonnaise. Anyways, I paid and ate the sub hunched over like a rat. It was good. Certainly better than subway. But absolutely not worth $20 fucking dollars. You could get the same exact sub at any rinky-dink convenience store with a deli literally anywhere in the country for like half of that. Who in god's name is out here knowingly and willingly paying $20 for a god damn sandwich? :( TLDR; I wasn't wearing my contact lenses when ordering from Jersey Mike's and didn't realize how outrageously expensive they are.

TIFU when I realized I posted an inappropriate snap video on my story

Sooooo I (26F) fucked up. Here's what happened: My friends and I went out to celebrate a birthday downtown. It ended up being a super fun night, but yours truly blacked out around 10pm. At 11:30pm, I guess I took a silly bathroom video to send to my friends... but I accidentally posted to my story for a whopping 8 hours. I wasn't able to delete it until I saw it first thing in the morning. In the video, I was sitting on the toilet (pants/undies around my ankle) making peace signs and silly faces with my lady parts in FULL VIEW. I am absolutely mortified I want to die. I look like trash and am clearly incoherent with my bits just hanging out. I am honestly thinking about giving up drinking entirely because of how much this is affecting me. Is there any way I can look up my old data or to see who saw it? Or if it was screen spotted or viewed a lot? I told my long term partner about this and thank GOD he was so sweet and nice about it trying to calm me down. I just still can't believe this happened. I tried to download my snap data to see how many views it got, but its hard to interpret. TLDR: I posted an inappropriate video on my snap story and am freaking out about who might have seen it.

TIFU by making fun of my crippled friend.

So.. this happened during 11th grade and I'm 36.. so this fuckup is almost old enough to drink a legal beer. So my good friend, we'll call him Randy, broke his ankle one day when we were riding our snowboards off of his roof and onto a landing platform beneath. OK, it wasn't a landing.. it was his trampoline. Anyways.. back in the day when we couldn't participate in gym class they made us sit off to the side and write an essay. So gym class ends and Randy is putting the finishing touches on his essay. All fresh and clean from the shower, I saw my opportunity to poke a little fun at my good friend. I went running down the gym floor, our basketball court, and performed my finest baseball slide into homebase, towards Randy. I also stated, "Look, I'm Randy!" Unfortunately, the rubber of my new Converse Chuck Taylor caught the gym floor and my foot/leg rolled under my 295 pound all-state Offensive Lineman body and I landed square on the top of my foot, essentially creating a 180° straight angle with my foot and leg. I felt a lot happen in and around that ankle and immediately screamed, "oh fuck! I think I broke my ankle." Randy, fully believing that this was another level of my ridicule, simply looked at me and said, "oh go fuck yourself", before hobbling away on his crutches. Our gym teacher did come over to check on my. He took my shoe off and wiggled my foot around and like any old school gym teacher said, "oh you're fine. If I can move it like that, nothing is broke. Head to the nurse." So I did. I got up with my shoe in my hand and gingerly limped to the nurses office. It took me what felt like an eternity to get through that half-hallway. The nurse had me lay down and took my sock off. She gasped when she saw the ankle and said, "oh we need to call your dad". It took my old man about a half hour to get there and in that time, my ankle, which was just kind of dangling there, blew up like a balloon. It was also turned awkwardly inward at a roughly 45° angle. I later found put that I had fractured multiple bones and tore many tendons and ligaments. I had a crazy tiger-stripe pattern of bruising where each connective tissue tore. I ended up in a boot for months, physical therapy for months, and to this day I still have severe ankle pain upon exertion. I've reinjured this ankle so many times during college and semi-pro football that it's permanently cankled from all the scar tissue. My injury was considerably more serious than Randy's. TLDR: Karma bit me in the ass when I mangled the fuck out of my ankle while I was making fun of a good friend for breaking his ankle. Next time I'll tell the story of how I injured myself taking a shit.

TIFU by asking my wife to shave 🐱

For context, wife (34f) and I (30m) are parents to a beautiful toddler (1y6m F) and rent a house is what I like to call a landlord special. And this happened two days ago. My wife and I have been planning a date night all week. I surprised her by saying I’d like to go to the movies, which I don’t do. I was never a fan of the movies before and haven’t been to a theatre since pre-Covid. I’ve taken the theaters for granted and I genuinely miss them- silly me. I had the Saturday off, she went to work and dropped off our daughter in the morning at her mom’s so my MIL could watch her while we go on our date night. Great! Night to ourselves. Wife arrives home around 2pm. Movie starts at 6:30pm and decided we eat before the movies. We mutually agreed we leave at 4pm. So I told her take your time to get ready. So she did, and I stopped and asked, “hey so can you shave down there ;)”. Wife was like “I got you ;)”. I have time to kill. So I decided to hop on my PC and log onto a Squad server to kill time, no kids, I could game in peace. Not even 5 minutes go by- I hear a “shit! Of fuck!”, 30 sec go by and I hear my name being called for help. I wait a few seconds, and she yells my name again. Our bathroom is directly in front of our bedroom, I quickly get up in frustration. Open the bathroom, I see water spewing everywhere! I’m like wtf! She points under the toilet. I see the pipe that sends water to the toilet bowl spraying water. I quickly try to shut off the rusty valve that was impossible to turn from all the corrosion, I run to the garage to grab a tool for leverage. Like I mentioned earlier the “landlord special”- there is a copper hardline about 8” from the water outlet to the bottom of toilet bowl. A grommet at each end creates the seal. You see my wife, thought it’d be a good idea to kick her leg up on the toilet bowl…. You get the picture. Since there is a copper hardline instead of a normal flex pipe, it shifted and ruptured the seal from the grommet. Our bathroom got semi-flooded and gallons of water spilled from the toilet bowl. 3 trips between Lowe’s and Home Depot of course we could not find a flex pipe that fits on that ancient water valve. It measured 3/4” and we did find exactly that, but it would not thread on! 3 hours later, I said screw it- I mcguivered a make shift grommet to re-use the copper line. It worked. We missed our movie, and we’ll just went straight to dinner. Fun night! TL;DR I asked my wife to shave, flooded our bathroom and spent over 3 hours to fix it due to ancient plumbing

TIFU by using the bathroom after my partner.

I hope you guys get some enjoyment out of my pain, because I feel like laying in bed and staying there. So yesterday we had my son’s first birthday party and everything went well. His dad grilled burgers, we had cake and ice cream. Well unbeknownst to me, two of the people there acquired food poisoning and my partner was one of them. He woke me up at six am and went to the bathroom and just let everything rip. Well, I mistakenly assumed he was done and decided to go to the bathroom and poop. Suddenly he rushes out into the hallway holding his mouth and I was like are you okay? Do you have to throw up?? So I was still mid poop and couldn’t really stop, and I just panicked and froze. He ran at me. Well, he was aiming for the bathtub, but instead of him making it there, he heaved again and I was SHOWERED with vomit. He coated my hair, my face, everything. It got in my eyes, my mouth, my nose. I have worked in medical for my entire adult life and never had this happen. I had to clean the shower and tub out, then get in and clean myself, clean him, change clothes… It was so bad. Now I’m stuck at home instead of working taking care of him and our one year old. Someone I did get lucky though and my baby and I didn’t get the same result from the food. TL;DR My partner got food poisoning and I couldn’t pinch it off in time to save myself from being covered in vomit.

TIFU by not realizing that cotton apparently shrinks

For the most part, I don’t sleep well. I’ve had insomnia all of my life, and when I know that I’m not going to be able to sleep, I refuse to simply lay there. I get up. I’m active. I’m productive… in the form of laying on the couch with the dogs and watching bad late-night television in hopes of being bored to sleep by commercials featuring old rap icons who are trying their best to sell me a reverse mortgage or car repair insurance, because like many of you, I’m a responsible adult. Last night was one of those nights. Feeling the cruel hands of insomnia prying open my eyelids, I gently inchwormed my way down the tiny portion of the bed that I brazenly claim as “my side”, careful as to not awaken the flurry of arms and legs that is my wife. Awake, she is a kind, gentle, loving partner who would never hurt a fly; awakened, she instantly becomes a professional MMA fighter whose flight or fight instincts become fight or fight. Cautiously making my way out of the lair of the loudly snoring beast with nary a punch thrown, I tiptoed towards the bathroom to grab my robe so that I could cover myself as my dogs are quite judgey and prone to body shaming. Opening the bathroom door that must always remain closed because “It’s winter, it’s cold, and if you leave that door open one more time and let the heat out, I’m only going to pretend to sleep as I beat a lesson into your thick skull”, I don’t even turn on the light because what are the chances of being attacked by some giant monster straight out of your nightmares in your own home? Turns out, the answer to that question is “surprisingly high.” Opening the door and stepping into the bathroom, I was immediately pounced on by a black, hulking figure with flailing arms that leapt from the darkness with what I assumed was pure malice in the eyes that I couldn’t see, but had to have been there as most things do indeed have eyes. Now, I’m not the world’s toughest man, or even what you call a “competent” fighter, but in that moment, half awake and naked, I became the smaller, weaker, whiter version of Iron Mike Tyson. The intruder’s first swing was chaotic and clumsy and I ducked beneath it easily and followed up with a powerful, panic induced left hook that should have knocked even the most determined burglar on its ass. However, instead of solid flesh and a meaty thump of a connecting punch, my devastating blow seemed to go through the invader, and with no actual body to stop me, I went with it. The punch connected with the shower wall, and with the grace and fighting prowess of a donkey on roller skates, I fell forward, through the tangled shower curtain, the plastic liner, and most importantly, the oversized shirt that my wife had hung from the shower curtain in order to let “air dry” because apparently cotton shrinks. Down went the shower curtain, down went the liner and shirt and shower bar, and most unexpectedly of all, down went your capable-yet-naked hero. And up rose the beast. It seems that somehow in that nanosecond of mortal combat, the sound of my fist hitting the wall combined with my entire body now wrapped in a big flannel shirt and shower curtain falling into the bathtub and taking down everything around me in a cacophony of shampoo bottles and skin care products, I woke my wife. “What in the hell are you doing?” She asked, bewildered. “Murgleflump.” I replied from the bottom of the tub through a half-chewed bar of Dove soap. Shower bar bent, curtains and liner ripped, and my bar bottom aimed directly and shamelessly at the doorway my wife was now glaring at me from, its needless to say that no one involved was amused or happy… …except the flannel shirt. I swear I saw it smirking in triumph. TL:DR : I got into a fight with a shirt and lost.

TIFU by playing Mozart on high volume on my laptop at work thinking I was listening to them on my headphones.

Today I woke up late and had to rush to work and I was feeling supper annoyed. So in order to calm myself down I thought of putting my ANC headphones on and put some Motzart music. So I opened Youtube and found a good video with a 2 hour long Motzart music. I usually don't listen to classical music but some songs on a streaming platform. But thought of giving a classical music a try because I just needed to vent and calm myself. So I started playing the music and I was listening to the songs on my headphones and I was all going well. After like 10-15 minutes, I get a zoom message from my collegue, saying "Dude your music is super loud", then only I realized my ANC headphones have not been connected to the laptop. And I have been listening to the music on my laptop speakers all along. And they were so loud, I was hearing it though the ANC as if I was playing it in normal volume in headphones. I am sure If i had normal headphones without ANC I might have picked it up and as soon as the music starts playing, but since I don't hear any other noise when ANC is on, I didn't realize until it was too late. Also I'm sure my colleagues must have waited hoping I would turn it off, or realize it but, what to do I didn't. So I had to apologize everyone for the loud music and pair my stupid headphones to the laptop. I feel like a proper idiot and this day can't get any worse than this. Maybe the worse can happen is me hitting a tram today. TL;DR I put to Mozart music in high volume on my laptop speakers at work, thinking I was listening to them on my head phones with ANC. ​ **Update** Thank you so much for all the nice comments, I think it's more because I was very upset and moody yesterday, it felt a bit more to me than it should be. But the day turned out to be great in the end, with me scoring a goal in soccer in the evening. And I'm listening to classical music again today. But this time I double checked my headphones are paired. Have a good one Reddit.

TIFU by letting my mom put my new mattress on my bed frame

I (22F) have been rearranging my life lately. I came into having my own home office/guest room at my parents house and after sleeping in the guest bed for a month I decided I liked that mattress better. I was distracted doing something else and came back to help, she had already done it. Now, for context, my bed has drawer storage, storage you can see if you lift the mattress. I’m sure you can see where I am going with this. Well I had some… special items… including one decently large one, in one of the drawers. (The large one was when I was too naive to understand that it would be that big and then also having been celibate? Abstinent? For a year. Before you get on me about “bro put that in a box or something”, it’s not something that is on my mind all the time. The whole process of redoing my room, I would randomly remember and just hope that no one peered in to see through the back of the bed. And as quickly as the thought would appear, it was gone again. Also they aren’t just loose in the drawer, they have their respective boxes BUT THEY ARE THE CLEARLY LABELED AND PICTURED PRODUCT BOXES. I am mortified. I don’t know what to do. I definitely am not bringing it up or ever EVER giving an opportunity for that conversation to start. Edited to add: yall have made me feel so much better and are so funny TL;DR My mom definitely saw my sex toys and I am mortified.

TIFU by putting my earplugs and taser in the same pocket of my purse

This happened at 3 AM. I woke up to my dog licking himself (I am a light sleeper and have misophonia), so I got up to go get my earplugs which were in my purse and in the same pocket where I keep my taser. I was delirious so I didn't think to turn on my lamp to make it easier to see. While I was rummaging around through my purse, I somehow managed to turn on my taser and tased my hand. Thankfully, the cover was still on but I still felt it and it did hurt enough to make me scream so loud that I'm surprised that I didn't wake anyone up. Still delirious, I did not think to turn on my lamp when I tried to turn off my taser so ended up tasing my hand *again*. It hurt just as bad as the first time. My hand felt like it was on fire. It took me out of my sleepy state though. I finally turned on my goddamn lamp and successfully turned off my taser and found my earplugs. It took me an hour to fall back asleep because my hand hurt and I was also laughing at myself. TLDR: I accidentally tased myself while looking for my earplugs in my purse.

TIFU by ordering the spiciest hot pot known to mankind

I used to pride myself on my ability to handle spice, but today (technically yesterday as I'm writing this) I proved myself wrong. This all started when I decided to order some hotpot from my favorite local restaurant. This place offers a range of spice levels: level 0 for those who cannot handle any heat whatsoever; level 1 for a mild kick; level 2 for a medium amount of heat (think spicy ramen or hot buffalo wings); level 3 for a serious dose of burn-your-mouth heat; and level 4, which can only be intended for consumption by the *descendants of the deepest depths of hell*. I started at level 2 my first time and found it quite bearable, so I moved up to level 3 from there, which I had several times and was still able to consume without any serious discomfort. Fast forward to today, when I decide it's time to kick things up a notch. I order the level 4 spice, which the restaurant describes as simply, "burning hot". There is definitely a noticeable burn with each bite, but that's not too unusual. At first I attribute it mostly to the temperature of the soup base and simply ignore the mounting pain, because the food is delicious! Meanwhile my nose is running like crazy, my lips and chin are stinging from stray drops of broth, and each new mouthful burns so badly I'm panting in a useless attempt to give my tongue a respite from the heat. I only manage to eat about half of it before I notice that I'm feeling uncomfortably full. I then have a bit of water, which obviously does nothing to assuage the burning. I know that milk is supposed to help, but I despise the stuff and don't keep it around the house, so that's not an option. A quick google search tells me starchy foods like bread can help. I have some crackers on hand―same thing, right?? Kind of. The mouth-burning sensation goes away within a few minutes of eating the crackers, so I think I'm in the clear. **WRONG**. That's when the full, deadly force of the hotpot finally hits my guts. The onset of the pain is rapid. The mild discomfort I had been feeling transforms into **gut-wrenching agony**. The sudden rush of sensation takes my breath away. Doubled-over, I rush for the bathroom. Vacating my bowels helps only slightly. It takes the pain from a 100 down to about a 99.8, but I still feel like I'm on death's door. Once I make it off the toilet, I flop onto the floor just outside the bathroom door. A sensation like hellfire is ravaging the lining of my stomach. I'm rendered immobile―cursing, gasping, *drooling*. I try to take some deep breaths but it doesn't help; I quickly have to stagger back to the toilet for round two. This time as I'm hunched over, shaky, sweaty, and groaning, my mouth starts to fill with bile. Now I’m not sure which end needs to be pointed at the toilet bowl. I stand up and flush, then lean over the toilet for a moment. The new position sends fresh shockwaves of stabbing, twisting pain through my guts. I decide I don't want to know what that hotpot feels like coming back up through my nose, so I forcibly swallow back the bile. Again, I find myself face down on the floor. This time I am, with trembling hands, searching the web for advice. Surely I need medical attention, but I’m in too much pain to get myself anywhere, and while I seriously contemplate contacting emergency services, the humiliation factor is too great. My web search for *'extreme stomach pain spicy food'* yields mostly unhelpful results. These fools with their cute little articles about avoiding spicy foods before bedtime and drinking nonfat milk cannot *conceive* of the predicament I am in. This feels like every stomach flu I ever had as a kid dialed up by 10. It feels the way torture must feel. This is the type of pain that makes enemy spies confess any and everything just to make it stop. During round 3 or 4 on the toilet, I eventually regain enough mental clarity to remember the existence of Tums. I fling myself off the toilet, crawl to my kitchen, and proceed to dump the entire contents of my medicine cabinet onto the floor in search of them. I could *cry* from relief when I find the bottle. Immediately I take about 5 tablets, then assume the least painful position I can find: on my knees with my face on the floor. It takes a few minutes, but the burning sensation in my stomach begins to fade. I have the sense to sit up once I am able so that gravity is doing the work of keeping the contents of my stomach down. After 10 or 15 minutes, I feel well enough to stand and clean myself up. I foolishly believe the ordeal to be over. After a shower and cursory clean of the bathroom, I remember that I have some ice cream in the freezer and, although I'm feeling wildly nauseous, I decide to try having a few bites, hoping it will take away the lingering burn and minimize my pain later on when the contents of my stomach pass into my intestines. Then I crawl into bed and start watching Netflix. Before long, I feel my mouth start to water. **Heavily.** I first try to ignore it, but this is like nothing I've ever experienced before. I can't swallow quickly enough to keep it all down. I finally get up when my mouth is filled to bursting with fluid. As soon as I'm vertical I realize my mistake. I speed to the bathroom just in time to vomit all over the toilet. Close enough I guess. The hotpot is no less spicy coming back up. As predicted, my nose and throat now feel as though they too are being *ravaged by hellfire.* Rinsing my mouth doesn't help; blowing my nose makes it even *worse.* I force myself to snort a solution of water and baking soda, which helps mildly, and take a few more Tums. From there it's a waiting game. Eventually, I start to feel like I'm half alive again, though still too nauseous to even drink water. This all went down about 18 hours ago. I put myself to bed just before 7 pm and after about 12 hours of sleep, I still feel pretty damn queasy. Don't think I'll be having anything more spicy than a piece of plain toast for a while. Anyone gone through something similar? TL;DR: I ordered the spiciest hotpot available and after eating it, ended up sicker than I've ever been in my life. Side effects included sweating, diarrhea, dizziness, vomiting and stomach pain so intense that it made me wish for the release of death.

TIFU by getting out of line at a Mongolian Wok

I just made like 20 people furious at me. I was in the dining commons of my university waiting in line at a Chinese food station where they make the food in front of you, I had already ordered, and I was super thirsty. So I got out of line briefly (30 seconds) to grab a cup of water and then went back to the same spot, but thinking back on this, I think the chef saw me leave so he threw out an order, which wasn’t mine. Eventually, the person in front of me is given a plate and is like “this isn’t mine”. Then the chef is like “Who got out of line” and I said “I did but I came back to the same spot” but the chef was like “Everything gets messed up when you get out of line” and I could tell he was trying very hard to not yell at me. Then he gave me a plate that wasn’t mine. I told him my plate had bell peppers and then he shoved a plate towards me that had bell peppers so I took it and got the fuck out of there. As I’m walking away I hear more and more people complaining about their orders and the chef getting angrier and angrier. I sat on the other side of the dining commons behind a wall that covered me from the chef’s sight, but I could hear the chef yelling about me going, “Fucking asshole got out of line!” “Fuck!” “FUCK!” Then I realized the plate he gave me wasn’t mine, further fucking up the order of the line. It’s gonna be painful running into that guy every time I go to the dining commons now. Fuck. TL;DR: I got out of line at a Mongolian Wok and then everyone's orders got messed up. Then the chef had to likely remake everything.

TIFU by calling my son “dicknose”

This happened in Friday evening and I’m still dying about it. It was early evening, around 8pm, and I started dozing in and out of sleep in the recliner while my husband and 4 year old son where watching a show on his iPad. My son came over a few times to come talk and show me things and then I would doze off again. He came over again, and started yanking on my arm to wake me up. I was in the middle of an intense dream, that I cannot remember any of now. But as I was jolted awake and out of the dream, I yelled “oh my god, shut the fuck up dicknose!” When I came to and realized where I was, I realized my son was crying and my husband was looking at me disgusted. I asked him what happened, and my husband said “Why would you say that to him?” I said “The dicknose?” I thought that part was a dream. I had no idea I actually yelled that at him in real life. I had to explain to my kid that I didn’t mean to call him a dicknose. I still don’t even know what a dicknose is. TLDR - I called my kid a dicknose while I was half asleep and now everyone is mad at me.

TIFU by letting my 7yo watch Doctor Who with me

In case you care, this will contain semi-spoilers for Season 3 Episode 14 (Journey's End) of Doctor Who. A tiny bit of background, I'm a fan of Doctor Who but I don't have anyone else in my life to watch it with. My wife saw the first episode and wasn't interested, and I really don't have any non-online friends. So I've been watching bit by bit on my own time. Yesterday my wife was out with a group of friends for brunch and the Mean Girls movie, so it was just me and my 7yo daughter (S). I made us some Mac and Cheese (meal of the champions) and S and I were just hanging out together. She was watching Miraculous on her tablet, so I thought I was good to turn on Doctor Who. It was the Season Finale for Season 3, so it was a pretty dramatic and action-packed episode but I thought I could get away with it because S was watching her own show. (Please note, I don't blame her at all for anything that happened here, it is absolutely my fault aka TIFU.) She started asking me questions about what I was watching, and I sensed an opportunity to try and make a fan out of her so we could watch the show together (I would have been more than happy to start over at the beginning if it meant we could watch it together). Questions like "Who's that?", "What are they doing?", and "Is that an alien?" The action was a little scary for her (lots of Daleks attempting multi-dimensional omnicide) but she seemed to be doing ok. Then came the ending. The character Donna accidentally merges her brain with the Doctor turning her into a human Time Lord hybrid. This allows her to save the day, but her human body couldn't handle it and the Doctor is forced to wipe most of her memories to prevent it from killing her (all memories involving the Doctor and their adventures together and if she ever learns anything about this her brain wouldn't be able to handle it). This is when S started hysterically crying. I got her calmed down afterwards, but my wife was not happy with me when she got home. She told me that I was responsible for helping S get to sleep that night when she inevitably has trouble. Which she did, so we read three chapters of Junie B Jones and at that point she was able to relax and sleep. Luckily S seems ok, no lasting trauma. But the family has told me I'm not allowed to watch Doctor Who if S is in the same room at the time. TL;DR: I let my 7yo daughter watch Doctor Who with me and she cried hysterically when a character got their memories wiped.

TIFU when I saw my ex-girlfriend walking out of a store and got so distracted I wrecked my car while making eye contact with her.

**TLDR:** People say Karma is a bitch. Karma is your ex girlfriend that you treated terribly, walking out of a Home Depot looking so gorgeous you literally wreck your car. This actually happened Today. I went to Home Depot today and got me a tall ass house plant. Ive been thinking about it for a while now and today I found one I liked. I thought the $50 price tag was a bit much but this thing is like 5 feet tall so that's not too bad. I paid for my plant and loaded it up in the passenger side of my vehicle. I put my car in reverse and looked down at my back up camera. I didn't see anything moving behind me so I started backing up. To see where I was going I looked *back and to the left* since the plant was to my right, and that's when I saw her. And of *fucking course* she was stunningly beautiful. I straight up froze in time for 2 seconds and that was all it took. You see this shit in movies and think how it would never happen like that in real life. We dated in high school 20 years ago and I was rotten to her. I hurt this girl and then I couldn't understand why she didn't wanna be with me when I was "ready to settle down". I was only 16 years old and a major asshole. I used to be a piece of shit guys. I'm talking slicked back hair. ...*Sloppy steaks*, the whole nine yards. There is no denying I was a piece of shit back then. But people can change. Ive thought about the way I treated her quite a bit over the last 20 years. She's my "The one who got away" even though *I'm* the one who actually ran her off. We dated in 2002 or so then I didn't see her again until I think 2011 or 2012 at a Halloween party. That night she basically pulled me aside and told me in no polite manner, she still found me very attractive and that we would still be together if I wasn't such a piece of shit back then. She told me she really loved me and the honesty in her voice ruined my night. I did my best to forget about this soul crushing conversation but I'm sure you can guess it has haunted me. That was the last time I saw her. I haven't even seen a picture of this woman in 12 years. Today Jan 28th 2024, I see a beautiful woman with legs for days walking out of Home Depot and when I realized who it was I proceeded to back up into a pick up truck. WHILE MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH HER. All at once I'm hit with several different emotions. Embarrassment to a degree so deep I hope you can never grasp it. The owner of the truck was inside it when it all went down so somehow I immeadiately switched to autopilot, got out of my car and started the whole "exchanging insurance conversation". It was a fender bender, broken tail lights, nobody was injured, all that good stuff. Meanwhile, whats actually playing out in my mind is, hey at least I'm at already home depot. Just walk 20 feet back inside get 10 feet of rope and bucket. While I'm standing there trying to not collapse under the weight of sweat pouring out of me I see my ex and some guy shes with get into a car and that was that. I like to imagine they'll be having a nice champagne and lobster dinner tonight laughing hysterically while thinking of me. One can only hope. I have no one to blame but myself. I used to be a real piece of shit. If you see this S, I'm sorry for hurting you all those years ago. As you can see I'm still paying for it in 2024. I just wanted a plant man.

TIFU By Not Picking Up a Spool of Thread

Hello Everyone, here is my tale of confused annoyance. My wife works in the kitchen of a hotel. Neither of us drive so she walks to work, it's about a thirty minute walk. She normally leaves around five AM and comes back around three PM or so. Once a month the hotel dose a Paint and sip, where they serve pizza to everyone in attendance, my wife likes to take on these shifts because she enjoys getting the OT, but it normally doesn't see her leaving work until after nine PM, which is a long shift. So we've taken to staying up at the hotel on these nights, this way she doesn't have to walk home so late and miss out on more sleep than she needs to, and I'll walk up so we can spend some time together and not miss out on sleeping in the same bed. This month we decided to take two nights really just for the hell of it. I am trying to make it as an author and freelance writer so I work from home. So it's my job to make sure everything and everyone is secure at our apartment, and by everyone I mean our pets. Four of which are cats... One of the last things I do before leaving on Friday night is turn my computer off. I get up from my desk, and happen to glance down. I happen to see a spool of thread on the ground. Do I pick it up? No! I think to my self "ah, I really don't feel like bending over right this second, I'll get it when I get back Sunday. Our two day stay was very nice, due to the weather the paint and sip was canceled, so we got to spend some extra time together, just chilling at the hotel. The only bad thing that happened there was I accidently punched the wall too hard while playing VR. Apart from that, no complaints. I get home this morning and take a cursory glance at the apartment. Things are slightly disheveled, but that's what you can expect from living with cats. It's championship weekend for the NFL, and I'll be having some people over later so I immediately jump to doing the chores. First of which are the cat boxes, one of which is in my office. As I walk towards the office I remember "Oh yeah, that spool of thread." When I get to the office, I notice the spool is not where it was when I left. Now you may be thinking "oh, the f up was the cats got string everywhere." And that is partly true, but you don't know is what they did to my chair. ​ As I bent down to get the string on the ground, I place my hand on the back of my computer chair and the whole chair bends in half...bro wtf? The cats, some how broke my chair. Nothing else is broken or out of place, but the string now stretches from under my computer desk all the way to under the kitchen table in the other room. I can only suspect that they played with the string so hard that they snapped the piece that keeps the chair upright, but some how it stayed upright? Either it was the cats, or someone broke into my apartment with a singular strangle goal in mind. The chair after I placed my hand on the back. [https://imgur.com/6IRBaPh](https://imgur.com/6IRBaPh) (You can see the spool I picked up on the desk now) I suspect this to be a two man job. The first man is Banjo our three year old orange cat that we've had since he was a kitten. He was the only boy in the litter and was born with no tail, he's grown into a verry large and dense boy. Banjo - [https://imgur.com/hnxoMlx](https://imgur.com/hnxoMlx) The other is Mr. Cow, a cat who is over ten years old but doesn't act old at all. He's very large, he was very overweight when we got him, but he's dropped more than ten pounds since we've had him, but boy is he still big, and certainly runs around like he's closer to Banjo's age than old age. Mr. Cow - [https://imgur.com/svQAPA0](https://imgur.com/svQAPA0) I think they whipped themselves into a crazy cat frenzy and my poor Amazon Basics chair took the brunt of the attack. I probably should have just Picked up the string. Because here I am typing this out, trying desperately to remember not to lean back in the chair. The culprits together (plus Banjo's sister Padme) - [https://imgur.com/RPV9uld](https://imgur.com/RPV9uld) TL;DR: By giving into my laziness I left thread on the ground and left for two days, during which time my cats played with it so hard they broke my computer chair in half. Edit. To the people in the comments. I'm sorry about your close calls with your cats. I have lost cats very suddenly and very tragically. However, if something had happened to my cats I would not have posted it to reddit. I really meant this as a "haha cats be wired and they broke my chair" kind of story. I'm sorry for any stress I caused you by reading my little story. I think sometimes I forget this is the internet and I forget that reddit takes most things to the absolute extreme. I don't think my cats were in any more danger than they are every single day, or any of us are for that matter. There comes a point where worrying about every singe threat starts becoming more of an inhibitor on life, but regardless, the thread has been picked up, and all spools are safely inside drawers.

TIFU while hanging shelves on a thin wall

Not today, but another post reminded me of this story. 5 years ago I wanted to hang some huge shelves in the flat I was renting in Barcelona. Said and done, I pop out the good ole' SDS hammer drill, and I go on to drilling 48 holes, stopping at a depth just over 35 mm ( the length of the wall plug I was using ). Everything was fine, until the next day the next door neighbour showed me that nearly all holes had gone through the wall, and destroyed it on her side. It appears that the wall was built in the 70's with the shittiest, thinnest brick they could find, and while drilling, the tip of the drill bit would nudge the last thin wall of the brick, making it explode. [https://imgur.com/a/8mcj0L4](https://imgur.com/a/8mcj0L4) TL;DR: Drilled 48 holes through the wall separating from my neighbour.

TIFU by getting caught relieving myself by the google streetview car

This happened last year but I think enough time has passed that I can talk about it. Last year I (21F, 20 at the time) was driving to a long way to visit my parents as I hadn’t visited them for nearly a year. I was pretty sick at the time with some kind of stomach bug but I still decided to go. Its a pretty long trip so I had planned to take a stop during the trip for food and a restroom. So there I was driving done a country road when I started to need get the urge to shit, but I ignored it for now and decided to stop when I found a convenient restroom. After driving for even longer the urge was getting worse and worse and worse until it was extremely bad. I pulled over to check my phone to see how far away the next reststop was. I dont remember how far it was but I know it was further than I thought I could make it. So instead of risking it trying to make it there, I instead decided to just drop my pants and shit at the side of the road like the very civilised person I am. So I got out, dropped my pants, popped a squat and started doing my business. Without going into detail, I was there for quite a while. Long enough that a car with google branding drove past while I was there. That was maybe the worst moment of my life. Eventually I finished up and got back in my car and headed back to my parents. When I got there I told them about it, to which my mom shared my embarrassment, while my dad just laughed at me. I kept checking google maps for a while after to see if the images had gone up but thankfully they hadnt…until after a few months they were there. Images of me having a shameful shit on the side of the road. At least they blurred my face and my butt tho. I’ve purposely left out all information of where I was and where I was going because surprisingly I DONT want people to find where it is. But I guarantee someone will somehow figure it out, so if thats your goal after reading this post then goodluck (and im using a throwaway account just incase so I cant be linked to the pictures). TLDR: the google streetview car caught me doing my business after getting caught short from a stomach bug

TIFU, by not washing clothes with laundry detergent for at least a few months

My husband and I have this AI-powered washing machine with three separate containers for laundry detergent/softener. Two can automatically dispense the 'right' amount of laundry detergent and softener. Washing machine estimates the amount based on the load. The setup has advanced settings to not dispense detergent automatically, where you can choose to put detergent to the third container. Since few months ago, we have moved to a new apartment without a terrace. So, we dry our clothes indoors as we do not like to use a dryer. The dried clothes would smell like mildew, like they were not dried properly. We have tried to put extra laundry sanitizer directly loaded into the washing machine. Drying under the sunlight or under AC. None of it helped. Usually, our washing machine would give a warning when the detergent or softener is low. I noticed that the detergent and softener containers were still half full. Finally, yesterday I tried to put a detergent only for white clothes and realized the setup for detergent and softener has been turned off. Few months ago probably it was done because we were washing some delicates with special detergent. I thought it will be reset every cycle... Not ! Few months ago I had a fungal infection in my V and now realize it might be from the underwear washed only with water at 40 degrees celzius. Now I am thinking should we rewash our entire wardrobe. TLDR; my husband and I have been washing clothes without detergent and softener for a few months. Because I turned off auto dispensing in advanced settings on our washing machine when we washed some delicates. This may have led to a fungal infection in my V. Should we rewash our whole wardrobe ?? 😅

TIFU when I accidentally punch my coworker in the left tit.

Ok, so, I work at an office job in a cubical and there aren't many employees in my department. Everyone of my coworkers are sitting right in front of me, but I can't see them since the cubical walls block them. No one sitting next to me since the ones that did just quit. Hell yea, whole row to my self. As one does throughout the day, they stretch. No one next to me so I can stretch my arms out wide. Weeks go by as I have the row to my self and a new coworker starts and the only cubicals left are the ones next to me. She sits next to me and she is really cute too. We introduced ourselfs. She seemed to like me. Sometimes I work on Saturdays with only one other employee. So that Saturday I worked with her. She went to the bathroom and as she is walking back to her seat, my eyes are closed as I'm about to stretch. I whip my arms out fast and BAM, my fist hits her left tit. She gasps "Dude, what the fuck, I just started working here and you punch my boobs??" "Shit, sorry, I didn't see you. I was stretching" "I can see that, watch it next time." Cups her breast. "ow!" Awkward for the rest of the shift but it went away the next day. Just feel bad about it lol. TLDR: Punch a coworkers tit while stretching.

TIFU by going on a tinder date and calling my dates cat fat

I matched with a really cute girl, out of my league! Not only that but she is into the same games as me and likes cars! We talked for 3 days non stop and we decided to meet up for coffee. We meet, she is even better looking I person! Things start out great, conversation flows great and then she shows me a picture of her cat from that morning trying to get into a fish bowl. I laugh and tell her “ what an absolute unit that cat is! What a hekin chunker! That cat hella thick !” Her expressions completely changed and she gets quiet. I tell her that’s a super cute cat but her expression remained the same. 2-3 mins go by with very minimal talking, things are really awkward now. She gets up and says she needs to be somewhere. She left and almost immediately unmatched me 😭 TLDR The cat was a cute chunker but she did not like me calling it that. Up to that point she was one of the best matches I had on dating apps

TIFU by inhaling sugar free gummy bears

M 44 here, Alright, I know how this sounds but please hear about the tragic tale that occurred on January 14th 2024. It was a typical morning, I hopped on the train and started my journey to work. Bam, I arrived to the workplace, and I felt a rumble in my stomach.. I was low on hunger and I needed to find something ASAP. I paced my way to the cafeteria, in hopes to find something that tickles my fancy. The vibrations in my stomach intensified and my eyes lock with a sizeable bag of sugar free gummy bears. That was it, my ticket to escape this tormenting state of starvation. Without a thought, I snatched the bags from the shelves and slammed them onto the till. I felt ravenous and primal when I teared open the bag of sweets, only to find that they were all stuck together. It was winter, and these poor bears couldn't survive the harsh elements, so their final resort was to clump together and form this giant mass. I was dissatisfied with this turn of events and I just tossed the candies in my bag and went on with my day. Time skip to when the strenuous and exhausting shift is over and I spot the packet of gummy bears in my peripheral vision. I thought to myself.. "what's even the point in keeping these around if I can't even consume them?" and I looked at their frozen state. A bright idea suddenly crossed my mind and I smiled with glee. It sounded perfect at the time, to place the packet into the freezer and see what would happen. I'm a curious guy, and it was a personal experiment of my own. I wanted to see how the glutinous texture of the gummy bear would react to the fierce, artic-like temperatures of my freezer. 13 days later, my brain suddenly informed me about the 2 week old bears that were marinating in the wretched draws of my freezer. I giggled as I scooted my way towards the refrigerator and swung open the freezer doors. There they were, the solid, crystalized, bears submerged in a thick layer of ice. I immediately discarded the wrapper of the packet and placed the cadavers of the gummies on my table. I had the sudden impulse, a desire, you could say, to crush the bears. And so I did, I whipped out my credit card and began to slowly mush the bears into a fine powder. My card was plummeting down on them like some sort of plastic guillotine in the medieval era. Once the bears had changed state, from a jelly-like, squishy bear to a white, pink-tinted powder. I slid my card on both sides of the dust and formed a thin, lengthy line on the table. I aligned my nose with the base of the line and started snorting it up. As I was travelling up the line, I suddenly felt a blockage forming at the back of my throat. I urgently spat out the remains and cleared my windpipes. I was in distraught. So yeah, do not sniff gummy bears in any state of matter. ​ TL;DR: I sniffed foul gummy bears and will live with embedded trauma for the rest of my life.

TIFU by dislocating my knee dancing to Specialist from Persona 4

Yes, you heard the title right. I am currently lying in bed with a knee brace, wondering if I will ever be able to dance again... So it all started when I was at home and a blackout occurred for only a few minutes. During that time, I guess the internet went out, because after the power went back, I wasn't able to go online. So, I decided to look at videos I downloaded and I found this one MMD I made months ago. It was some megaman character dancing to specialist from Persona 4, and I figured, "why not try some of those dance moves!". So I got up, did a few of my own interpretation of the dances, when I THINK I was doing the Orange Justice (Don't ask). When I moved my leg, my knee legit POPPED OUT TO THE LEFT! I fell down, dad came when I started wincing in pain. He thought I had sprained my ankle, so he applied ice on the ankle, only a few moments later did he see the distorted knee I had on my left leg. He called an ambulance and the paramedics had to find a way to get me out of my room. They used the gamer chair I had to get me out. Surprisingly, I only uttered out one 'fuck' the entire time. Didn't even cry either. At the hospital, they gave me Fentanyl, relocated my knee, and put a brace on me. I now have to use crutches for a few weeks, and now I am scared of dancing. Yippie. ​ TL;DR: In crutches for a while due to knee dislocating from dancing.

TIFU by making too much spaghetti and trusting my self control

TIFU by making too much spaghetti. Yes, I mean TOO much, 2 boxes too much, I usually make my food to last for a week or two so I can have my meals ready for when I return from the gym, but recently I’ve been putting on too much muscle, which has been making me too hungry recently. So at 3:30pm, like any smart, and sensible, young man I decided to eat that plate of spaghetti, I mean the WHOLE thing, that monstrous mass of delicious and precious carbohydrates, that vodka sauce mutation, it was a plate so big I could’ve made a forty-five minute mukbang video out of it, it… was so big it could’ve fed a family of 6. After continuous bites after bites of pure destruction and fifty full minutes of just chomping down I finally eaten my glorious creation, so I laid and rest before a grateful stomach. After the spaghetti incident I felt nothing. So I thought to myself-“wow my stomach can handle anything I throw at it!”. Fast forward to 8:30pm, when I’m at the gym, midway through my workout I started feeling a little funny, so I thought to myself “yeah I’ll just use the bathroom when I get home”. You see, that’s the problem, when I got home and used the bathroom, absolutely nothing came out. So I just went to sleep. NEVER I’m my life have I woken up of my sleep to shit, tonight was my first. At around 6:30am I woke up to a sharp pain in my stomach, then I realized the the grave mistake I committed, the pain I felt before was just my body warning me from my impending doom, the sins of gluttony I committed were coming back to punish me but in another form, in the form of hot, molten lava pouring from my rectum, melting everything in me and around me, I had never felt such a pain shitting before. I now lay in bed, paralyzed as a punishment for my gluttony. The spaghetti striked back. TL;DR I make 2 packs of spaghetti and ate of all of it. Shat myself to death.

TIFU by not remembering if I took out my contacts

This actually happened a few weeks ago, but the mortification is still very real. We had our staff Christmas party, and I decided I wanted to look ~fancy~ so wore my contacts instead of my regular boring glasses. I had a few (too many) drinks (I'm a teacher, we like to enjoy ourselves at our Christmas party to dull the trauma of the year), got some cheeky maccas and then headed home. I remember having a conversation with my housemate while I stuffed my face with my much-needed double cheeseburger, and not much else. Fast-forward about 4 or so days, and I become acutely aware of a weird sensation under my eyelids. Almost like....there is something in there. I didn't have a clear memory of taking them out on the night of the Christmas party, and I've never not been able to remember, no matter if it has been a big night or not. Of course, my immediate reaction is to spiral - I'm going to go blind, obviously. So I announce to my colleagues that I'm pretty sure I've got rogue contacts stuck in my eyes, and the rescue mission begins. Someone rings their optometrist friend, while someone else shines their torch into my eyes to try to find the culprits. By now I have become a tourist attraction in the staff room. Also, nobody is surprised that this is happening to me, because unfortunately stupid things happening to me is very on brand. Sadly, I then had to take my red, inflamed eyes back to class. Obviously the students had questions, so I had to give them the alcohol-free version of the story. Now the kids are trying to look under my eyelids for my mysterious, missing contacts. It's become a whole thing. I decide it's probably best to make an appointment with an optometrist, so call up and explain the whole debacle to them. Was entirely unprepared to tell a professional "well, I was a bit drunk and don't remember taking my contacts out days ago, and I think they might still be there". They say that they can see me that afternoon, so I continue my current remedy of dousing my eyeballs in eye drops, hoping the situation will right itself before the appointment. It doesn't, so my itchy eyes and I make our journey into town to seek some clarity (hehe). I once again relay the story to him, and he is very kind and understanding. He also does not find the contacts in my eyes - he does every possible thing he could do to look for them, and they do not reveal themselves like I thought they would. Apparently my unreliable drunk memory and the hot, dry weather had worked together and caused irritation to create the illusion that my lenses had gotten trapped up in my eyelids. An incredibly anticlimactic ending to a story that I had shared with a number of now-interested parties. If it wasn't embarrassing enough before - the sheer possibility of having contacts trapped in my eyes because I couldn't remember taking them out because I was too distracted by my McDonald’s - the real story was so much worse. It was literally my brain that had created the whole thing. I could have just not said anything and all would have been fine, but instead I'd just given everyone more embarrassing ammunition to use against me in the future. I do still feel the weird scratchy feeling when I think about it, but I am confident after the amount of people that looked in my eyes that nothing is there now. Might give contacts a miss next Christmas party though, just in case haha. TL;DR - I thought I left my single-use contacts in for days because I got distracted by food (and was a tad intoxicated), told everyone at work about it, and was then informed by a professional that it was all in my head (physically, not mentally, the contacts were very much not there)

TIFU by doing nasty stuff in front of a window- now I have the feeling that I'm being stalked.

I'm using a throwaway account but I'll be reading your comments, sorry for grammar mistakes So my (18F) neighbour (also 18F) saw me doing some nsfw stuff to myself and now I have the feeling that I'm being stalked by her and her friends. yeah so basically I live in a building shaped like a W, which means that you can slightly see what the nearby neighbour is doing. Turns out, I was very foolish and decided to do some private stuff.... near a window. Yeah...mind you, at the time I didn't know that it could be visible to someone else from a certain angle, until I got a huge reality check when I was walking back from class one day and I see this neighbour girl laughing at me and pointing at me with her friends, at first I was confused but similar things kept happening, like for example she would take pictures of me if she saw me walk by, or stare at me the whole time very intensively. Fast forward to today, a guy of the same age followed me home, I stopped and sat at a bank, once he noticed this he also stayed still and after a while he left, but I still feel watched. I am low-key scared that they made a video of me and published it somewhere. I don't even feel comfortable sitting in the public transport and having someone recognise me in case a video/picture was made (or I'm just being paranoid at this point) I know it's all my fault but I really didn't know someone could see me in my own home, which is certainly creepy and now I don't even feel comfortable walking around my building in case I encounter these people. i genuinely did a fuck up and I hope I move somewhere else soon and forget all of this ever happened. If you got to this point, thank you for reading, I just needed to get this off my chest. I kind of wanna laugh at this, but at the same time it drives me insane. I just wanna live in peace like before. ETA: thank you so much for the words of advice and kind comments! they mean a lot to me and help me handle this situation a little better ❤️ TL;DR: I did nasty things in front of a window, my neighbour saw me and now every time she or her friends see me they point at me and take pictures of me, to the point that today I almost got followed to my doorstep, I'm also scared that they might have taken pictures since i did it several times until I found out my neighbour saw me.

TIFU by bringing a portable pink fan to class

TIFU by bringing a ping handheld fan to class, but my teacher thinking it was a Vibrator Hey guys, this is my first post ever on Reddit so please don't make fun of me😢. I F16 decided to bring a pink portable fan to my English class today, I showed my friends first before I started using it and asked one of my friends "Are you wet?" As a joke and my ELA teacher (M40s) looked at me for a moment before turning away. During quiet work time, I decided to start using the fan because I was obviously hot. I was using it for a moment on my face before my teacher fully turned around and looked at me, so I hid the fan under the table on my desk. When he saw it, he didn't say anything and I slowly put it away in my bag while looking at him and saying "My bad." 3 minutes later a counselor came and my teacher told me to go with her. When I was in the office with her, my English teacher pulled 2 of my friends out and asked them questions, this is how it went.(Teacher) "What did OP have in her hand?" (Friend )"A fan" (Teacher) "Was she... doing anything... Sexual with it?" (Friend 1) "No she was just using it??" (Teacher) "Ok, you can go back to your desk" Friend 2 (Teacher) "What did OP have in her hand?" (Friend 2)"A fan" (Teacher)"Was she... I saw something pink next to her knees, and I heard a vibrating noise" (Friend 2)"no? She was just using her fan." (Teacher) "Ok you can go back to your seat" While my teacher was talking to them, The Counselor sat me down and asked, "Do you have anything, battery operated?" Me "Yea, I have a portable pink fan, why?" Counselor "Ok, I see what the issue is here, how were you using it before teacher saw you?" Me " I was using it on my face, and when teacher saw me, I put it under my desk near my knees" Then it dawned on me, He thought that it was a toy you use when people relives stress... I started to laugh loudly until my stomach started to hurt. When we went back to my class, The counselor explained to my teacher while I was on the ground laughing. When I went back to my seat, me and my friends where silent until we starting laughing again. My teacher came up to me and said "OP I am more embarrassed than you right now" TL;DR TIFU by bringing a pink portable fan, and my teacher thinking it was vibrator, and now hours later I'm so embarrassed Update: my entire school knows and I'm super embarrassed and CANT, go back to school on monday

TIFU The 24 hour airfare refund rule only applies if the departure is more than 7 days away

I impulsively booked a flight to Vegas, thinking I could change my mind and cancel if I did it within 24 hours. I've bought and cancelled airfares dozens of times over the years, but I guess I never read the fine print about the 24 hour rule only applying if the departure date is at least 7 days away from the purchase date. And of course, it's a budget airline, so the cancel fee is more than the actual airfare. I guess I could still go on the trip, but by the time I realized I didn't want to, thinking I could get my $ back, I had talked myself out of the trip. So now I not only don't want to go, but I also am out the $$. Chalk it up to a learning experience, right? Still cheaper than what I'd lose gambling, right? TL;DR The 24 airfare refund rule only applies if you're leaving 7+ days after you buy the ticket.

TIFU by eating 3 bags of sunflower seeds.

Hopefully this isn't overly vulgar, I personally think it serves as a cautionary tale. This happened a few years ago while I was on a strict keto diet. I used to eat a lot, and sunflower seeds sort of helped curb that since they take significantly longer to eat than chips, candy, etc. I liked to eat the full sunflower seed, shell included. Which, spoiler alert, you're not supposed to do at all. I ate three bags of seeds over the course of two days, shells included. The salt split my lips and and tongue, and I was constipated for about a week afterwards. Then the day came where I knew something had to be done. I hadn't shit in such a long time I was having severe stomach pain. Once I sat on the toilet and started pushing, it didn't take long for me to realize exactly how much trouble I was in. The seeds had accumulated into one huge, hard, cylindrical tube in my ass, like a goddamn tree branch. I'm talking splinters AND thickness. Every push sent me through agonizing pain. I turned on the shower so maybe the steam would help me push easier, but I would strain for several minutes, get most of this hell cylinder out, then lose the strength to finish the job and it would shoot back up. It felt like I was actually shitting out a tree branch, and every time I failed to get it out it would shoot back up into my ass. I read somewhere that squatting makes it easier to shit, so I eventually made my way over to the bathtub, balanced on the edge of it, squatted, and pushed. It was bloody, it was painful, and it was exhausting. The sound of it hitting the bottom of the tub was heavenly. But it wasn't over yet. All of the food I had consumed after the sunflower seeds came out after that. A solid stream for about 2 minutes straight. The aftermath was horrible. It felt like I had barbed wire in my underwear for weeks after that. I know my asshole will never be the same. TL;DR: Don't eat sunflower seed shells. Just don't. Edit: They were the big David bags, I was eating them while binge watching Criminal Minds. It happened during the pandemic. I see a lot of people saying this is fake/a repost. I wish this was a repost of someone else's story. Unfortunately for me and my butthole, this actually happened.

TIFU by loudly proposing marital activities at an inappropriate time

So I work from home and so does my wife. It's a small 3-bedroom apartment and I work in the "office" (one of the bedrooms) and she gets our living room which is larger. My youngest daughter is ill today so she missed school and was in our bed. In the afternoon, she poked her head out the living room door and said to me "I have a score to settle with you" to which I replied, from the office and loudly so she'd hear me "Well, I hope you're referring to compensation for all that sex we haven't been having!" At this point I peeked through the door and saw her face. Mouth slightly open with a disgusted look. What I haven't mentioned yet is that she is a tutor, and has kids of all ages come to our house for their lessons. There's no fixed timetable for this, as she'll schedule lessons according to her pupils' availability. Turns out a student was in the living room with their mother. Then later, my daughter (she's 9) asked why "mum was angry at me". Awkward. TL;DR I shout to my wife I want sex not knowing a pupil was listening as well as my daughter

TIFU by watching a cruise ship video around step kids

I have 2 tween step kids and they normally don’t pay any attention to anything I watch. I even tried showing them a ship tour video of the cruise we’re taking later this year and they had absolutely no interest. Yesterday I started watching a ship tour video of a brand new ship that recently debuted. I was planning to book a cruise on it next year for my husband and I. We didn’t have much of a honeymoon because of Covid and figured this would be a nice treat for us. It’s an expensive ship to cruise on, so we would get a lower end room and a drink package. I put the video on while the kids were busy with their electronics to see if the ship is a good option for us. Within about 5 minutes of the video, THE KIDS PUT THEIR PHONES DOWN!!! They are enamored with this ship as well and actually paying attention to the video. I’m internally thinking “oh shit” as I see their expressions. I asked them at dinner how mad would they be if we went without them. To put it mildly, they would be very very upset. We weren’t planning on taking them. It becomes almost twice the price and we can’t fully relax. All four of us would be in one room. I wouldn’t be able to afford the drink package because we would have to get them the non-alcoholic one as well. We couldn’t do the chefs table dinner. We couldn’t do the private island club because they would be bored and it would be too expensive for 4 of us. I love the kids, but getting them to do anything is a battle and makes planning anything difficult. When we try to get them to do something, it’s always “I don’t know” or just straight “no”. The oldest told us “I don’t want to do any excursions ever at all”. We wouldn’t be able to just wonder the ship on our own doing what we want when we want because we have to be with them. They are still too young to let run around on their own. Teen and kid clubs only last so long. We couldn’t stay up late looking at the night sky having a cocktail because they would want to be in bed and would get anxious if left alone in the room. I would have to share my husband’s time, and he would be stressed trying to have dedicated time with all of us. We don’t like to drink in front of the kids (my husband especially), so we can’t have casual cocktails just because. Now we are in a position where they will be pissed if we go without them, but we won’t fully enjoy it if they do. TL;DR Showed the kids a trip my husband and I want to take, and now they will be mad if we go without them.

TIFU accidentally typed MILF instead of MIF repeatedly in an email to a customer and got fired

I used to be a contractor and one of the companies where I (briefly, for reasons below) worked in 2017 wrote software to help manufacturing companies track product, shipments, orders, and overall manage processes. The software had about a thousand different features and companies could customize it by picking what they needed. We reworked a few of the features into a new module named the Material Identification Facility. It’s a database system for raw materials, but with tons more functionality. Customers had been asking for these improvements for a while so we did lots of demos as it got closer to release. In an email to one of our customers, I repeatedly typoed the feature name. I was stuff along the lines of “You’ll be happy with what MILF has to offer” and “MILF has all your needs covered.” I don’t remember the exact email, but I made the mistake several times. The email was CCed to at least a dozen people between our two companies targeting all the important decision makers. My mistake did not go unnoticed. Several people commented and one lady complained quite loudly saying along other things that maybe we should rename the feature. I was off the contract by the end of the day. I still say whoever came up with that name knew what they were doing. TL;DR: Referred to a software feature as MILF instead of MIF when talking to client and got fired for it.

TIFU By not teaching my kid what a "vanity" is.

Actually happened yesterday, but you get the idea... ​ Yesterday evening my son (19) comes to me and tells me he has a hangnail. And sure enough he does, one of those nasty fuckers that just goes way down into the corner of where the finger and nail meet. "No biggie", I say, "we'll just pull it out. Go upstairs and grab the tweezers out of the top drawer in my vanity." Now, it hadn't occured to me that I might not have taught him what a "vanity" is, it's not like it comes up in comversation much. ​ After a few minutes, he says from upstairs, "Nevermind." and closes his door. Hmmm... that's not like him. So I go upstairs to see what's up. I figure they weren't there, sometimes my wife moves them, and he got frustrated. But no, they're right where I said they were, in the top drawer of my *vanity*. Then I see it, the top drawer in my *night table* is slightly ajar, which it never is (more on that in a second). And then it occured to me, he went looking in my night table and not my bathroom vanity. ​ So, here's the FU, my wife and I have are kind of kinky and we keep some of our favorite toys in that drawer for quick access. Leather paddle, flogger, wooden spoon, a couple plugs, a buzzy little guy, some clamps, etc... and he saw all of it. It's true, what has been seen cannot be unseen... lol. I tried to do a bit of damage control but he wasn't interested in talking and didn't have much to say on his way out the door today. ​ TL:DR: I never tought my son the difference between a vanity and night table and he inadvertently found our stash of sex toys while looking for some tweezers.

TIFU by resetting my rib with an orgasm.

This has been an ongoing thing for the last two weeks. So i’m 38. I’m getting older and i fell asleep on the floor one day on my side and woke up with a dislocated rib. last “false rib” on my left side. it was slightly swollen, tender in 3 spots, hurt to the touch and when was bumped accidentally by my partner, sent me into excruciating pain. apparently it can happen really easily with the last two ribs on either side since they aren’t attached to the sternum and “float” fast forward to a few days later. it’s starting to feel a little bit better but it still hurts but mostly only when i twist or bend. that last part is crucial for thrusting during sex. we didn’t get to have sex like all day because of my rib (this is important i assure you). my partner and I were getting horny but both trying not to aggravate my rib even though both of us are into more rough play like impact and such. so we went a little bit light on that stuff. so we get to finishing time and we are in doggy and i’m doing my best to keep my rib from moving so i’m more grinding and hip thrusting while trying to isolate my rib so it wouldn’t hurt. Success! Orgasm inbound! until almost the very end. as soon as the orgasm hit i realize its a *big one* because of the teasing and tension built up throughout the day. I came hard i mean like *full body seizing up hard*. as i start to realize just how intense this will going to be, i feel and hear a *crack in my rib*. it’s so loud my partner heard it, and apparently felt it herself through contact with my body. it was excruciating. my muscles constricting from the orgasm *reset my rib* and i am in so much pain my body goes into shock. i fell over on her back. i couldn’t sit up or stand. I wanted to cry. im shaking and convulsing. She helps me get in the shower and try and cool down. it works, i take some meds again and pass out. Now, 3 days later it’s healing up even better and faster than it was before. so i know it reset where it should be. TLDR: dislocated my rib by falling asleep on the floor while being old. Nutted so hard it reset my rib and sent my body into shock. Fine now though. Edit: I fell asleep in the floor because i’m just weird. ADHD confirmed but suspected ASD.

TIFU by driving with a failing wheel bearing

I took my 12 year old car to work and noticed the rear right wheel bearing was making weird noises at times. After a few days, the bearing goes completely silent and I started thinking it was probably dirt that entered the bearing. I had to drive 220km urgently, told my friend my car might breakdown and left. I had planned to repair the bearing before the return trip. I complete 160km of my trip when I hear a loud grinding noise from the rear and the ABS warning light came up, I knew the bearing was giving out. It was 2AM, no one in sight. Nearest bus terminal was 10km away. Checked wheel hub for heat and it was indeed quite hot. Let it cool down for 30 minutes. Start the drive to the bus terminal. The bearing made grinding noises intermittently. Eventually it got worse just as I entered the town. The noise got louder and louder, then it goes THUD THUD THUD, I start to slow down and enter the shoulder and BANG, the bearing catastrophically failed. Now the wheel was spinning on the rotor hub, making metal on metal screeching noise. Barely made it to a parking spot. Called up a mechanic and took a bus for the rest of the journey. TL;DR I drove with a failing wheel bearing that I knew was failing and almost ended up getting stranded. I also probably did quite some damage to the rotor hub.

TIFU: Cleaning the floor? Call an ambulance!

Obligatory: didn't happen today, on mobile, blah blah blah. I'm going to let yall decide which one of us takes the tifu. In our first year of marriage, my wife called 911 on me for cleaning our kitchen floor. I worked at a school, and my wife worked second shift at a group home. I had made a note when we talked over break that my chest was starting to get itchy and I may need to get some stronger lotion over the weekend. Later in the night, she texts me to check in before she leaves for work. I tell her I'm tired and mention that the itchy spot on my chest has turned into a rash and seems to be spreading, so i may go to the urgent care after work the next day. My phone was almost dead, so I plugged it in in our bedroom and left it there. I then went to start sweeping the kitchen floor. I figured I had enough ambition to get out the Ole swiffer wet jet and give it a wipe down, too. I'm just about putting the swiffer away when I hear someone thundering up the stairs. The way that building was designed, that person would have been going to either mine of my direct neighbors apartment, and she was never home, so I opened the door for my VERY panicked wife who was about to start crying and telling someone on the phone "It's a false alarm! She's okay! She's okay!" Turns out she was leaving work and skimmed enough of my message to read 'tired' 'rash' and 'urgent care', worried a but, and tried to call me. I'm in the kitchen, phone is still in the bedroom, so I don't answer. She has come to the conclusion that I am dead or dying, and proceeds to make the 25 minute drive home from work in about 12, all while on the phone with 911. Because she called the emergency line, they HAD to send someone to do a wellness check. Because this was a small town, the only person available was a county sheriff. Because it was when my wife was getting off of work, it was now about 10:30 at night. So we had to explain the entire story to the very apologetic cop while every Nosy Nancy sitting on their porch to see what was going on. So we had ALL the little bittys clutching their pearls and talking about how the sheriff was at the apartment building (yes, there was only one in this town. It was SMALL) with his lights on in the "middle of the night" talking to the new elementary teacher. I got called into my principals office over it, so I also had to explain to my boss that I had an itchy rash. All because I swept my floor instead of laying in bed where i would have seen her call. Also, for those of you who are on the edge of your seats for the end of this episode of House MD: it was not lupis. I had started a new bottle of fish oil pills (because yay brain function boosts or something) and didn't remember I got a different, on-sale brand. Turns out I'm allergic to cloudy fish oil capsules. TL/DR: didn't answer my phone because I was sweeping the floor. Wife assumes I'm dead and calls 911. Small town drama ensued and I am a disappointment to Dr. Gregory House

TIFU by ordering a Fleshlight and lying about it when my parents found the package

This actually happened yesterday, but whatever. I’m an 18 year old trans girl and I live with my mother and step father. For Christmas, I recently received money from my family who lives in another state. I decided to use the money to purchase some sex toys, and because of sales and different websites, it all came in 3 separate packages. After waiting for a few weeks, the final package, containing a clear, non-anatomical Fleshlight, as well as an air dryer for it, arrived around noon yesterday. I got a notification on my phone which informed me that it was in a package locker downstairs (I live in an apartment complex), and a six digit code was provided to me to unlock the package locker. My mom was at work, but my stepdad was awake, so I knew it would seem suspicious if I randomly went downstairs to go get the package. Since it was in a locker, I did not have any concerns about my parents finding the package in the lobby. I was planning on grabbing the package when I took out the trash later that night, and quickly slide the package under my bed before my parents noticed, as I did with the other two packages. However, my mom also had a package arrive, and for some reason, she also got the code for my package, despite it being purchased with a prepaid card in my name. When my mom got home from work, she mentioned that I received the package, and that it has no return address, before setting it on the kitchen counter. I was absolutely mortified, but both her and my stepdad seemed curious about the package, with my mom sounding almost excited to see what was inside. I played dumb and acted like I had no clue what was in the package or who sent it, so I grabbed it, carried it to my room, and immediately came back into the living room with the excuse that I was in the middle of a quest in the game I was playing. After finishing the quest, I went into my room and closed the door. My heart was pounding super fast and I was desperately trying to think up an explanation. I used my box cutter knife to open the package. I then took the Fleshlight and the air dryer out of the package and slid them under my bed. I then put some (non-adult) toys from when I was younger into the box. I returned to the living room, shivering, and got back to playing my game while my mom cooked dinner. After the first few bites, my mom asked if I had opened my package. I start panicking and quickly shove another bite of food in my mouth to give myself a few extra seconds to think. I said that I opened it and that there were some toys in it that I didn’t recognize. My stepdad asked me to bring out the package and show them what I was talking about, which I did. My parents were confused and I continued to play dumb. My stepdad lectured me on how I shouldn’t just open suspicious packages and that the contents could be dangerous, and he had me dump the toys in the garbage (luckily, I did not care about them). He asked me what it said on the box, and I mentioned that it was addressed to me and that it has the apartment number on it. He immediately starts interrogating me about who could have sent it, and I mentioned that no one outside of my family knows our address. He then concludes that it must be from a family member, and mentions that it was probably from my biological father (who I am not speaking with at the moment). Everything that I didn’t take with me when we moved is at my dad’s house, so he thought it might be him trying to reconnect with me. I went along with that, and we got back to dinner. I pretended to be pissed off at my dad for being weird, and disposed of the box immediately after finishing dinner. After my shower, I unboxed the Fleshlight and dryer, put the boxes under my bed, and waited until this morning after my mom left for work to throw the boxes away. When my stepdad woke up, he asked if I was doing ok, and we talked about how we would ignore this for now, but if anymore unexpected packages with no return address show up, he and my mother will get the cops involved. I will not be ordering any more toys since I am happy with my purchases, so this won’t be an issue, but my mom and stepdad now think my dad sent me a box of children’s toys with no return address in an attempt to reach out to me. At least the Fleshlight feels nice and the dryer changes the drying process from an entire day down to 40 minutes, so it wasn’t for nothing. TL;DR: I ordered a Fleshlight and my mom brought the package inside. My parents were curious about the package, so I quickly opened it, hid the contents, and filled it with children’s toys, and now my parents think my biological father is trying to reconnect with me by sending me toys from my childhood. They plan to call the cops on my dad if anymore suspicious packages show up.

TIFU by beating the meat at the wrong time.

Today I fucked up. I M(18) decided to beat the meat. I live in a boys' hostel. I beat it around 4 a.m. in my hostel’s bathroom (which is public) hoping no one would see me. The windows are kinda visible from outside at night from the above floor. The worst thing is I was watching some gay p*rn (my country is not open minded). I don't know how much can they see from the top floor if they can see the whole bathroom or is it just some part of the bathroom. I don't know if they could see that I was watching gay p*rnn or not. I don't know for sure if they saw me but when I beat the meat I heard people (2–4) maybe laughing loudly ’what is he doing??’ I was too stunned to move. I thought for a while but connected some dots and they are a 60–70% talking about me. They were like who even does. Hahaha. I knew I fucked up. I thought to myself what if they start talking about me and start rumours about me. They don't know me but I'm wearing this blue-red one of kind easily distinguishable sweater. I don't know what to do now. I came out of bathroom and closer to them to listen if they were talking about me.The thing I confirmed that they were talking about me is they ending it with ‘who is it?someone from second from right?’ (I'm from second floor). I don't know what I'm going to do now.I'm writing this just after the incident. TL;DR I was peacefully beating my meat in my hostel's public bathroom at 4 a.m. until I finished and heard some people laughing. Some people (2-4 maybe) caught me beat and ifu. P.s English is not my first language.

TIFU by missing the bus and calling in sick to work

So this morning i missed the bus to my work because i forgot my work id at home. I saw it driving away a minute earlier than usual right as i got to it's station and now i can't go to work, so i called in sick inmediately after. So far so good. I can tell them that, and i should be mostly fine. I dont get paid that day, thats cool... They then proceed to tell me that i must bring my doctor's written medicament instructions tomorrow to justify the absence or i will get a No Call No Show. I do not have any money to show up late, so now i think i'll just have to take it. What i want to know is... How hard did i fuck up? How dangerous is a No Call No Show? TL;DR: Missed the bus, called in sick, they told me to present evidence and now i am in a pickle. Am i gonna be fine or nah?

TIFU by joking about my colonoscopy pictures

So this actually happened yesterday. I had a routine colonoscopy which requires deep sedation. No problem, I’m walking up in the recovery area and feeling a little hazy/goofy. The nurse was a sweetheart but definitely a talker. She mentioned they found a small polyp, likely nothing to worry about but would I like to see pictures? That’s Fuck Up #1: for the record and as an LPT, there is no personally useful information to be gained from viewing pictures of your colonoscopy. Feeling no pain and being a bit of a smartass anyway I was making the typical Dad jokes when I noticed one of the five or so pics looked like the eye of Sauron. I mentioned this and the nurse helpfully corrected me by pointing out this was the view out my own butthole from inside my rectum. So now I get to live the rest of my life with that view permanently seared into my consciousness. Tl:Dr Chose to view colonoscopy pics, now own a photo looking out my own asshole. EDIT: ok, colonoscopy doesn’t require deep sedation, but that’s what they gave me and I was fine with it.

TIFU by letting my friend’s mom sign my consent form.

Recently, my school had a blood donor event where you could sign up to donate your blood. I was really excited because I got to assist people and get community service hours for it (which means less work for me to get the hours this semester for my clubs…) Anyways I went on the day and my appointment came, so we went down there and they dropped the news “you need a parent consent form” on me and my friend, which they did not inform us of on the QR code when we signed up. I was very startled by learning that information and headed to the library to do work somewhat sulk about not being able to donate. That’s when my friends mom, the librarian, offered to sign it when she saw me unhappy about not being able to donate. She went ahead and signed the form for me and my friend so we could go ahead and do it. Well when I donated, I passed out when they pulled out the needle and was very nauseous for the rest of the day, but still went to work and everything and I was fine. The next day my mom is on the phone with the school pissed off that they didn’t inform her of me being sick, and that my friends mom signed under parent/guardian after she got a text from the blood company about what happened and questioned me. I told her everything but mentored I was fine and all. Anyways the school has now laid off my friends mom for the day and is dealing with a whole case against them. What do I even do atp?? TLDR; TIFU by letting my friend’s mom sign a form for me to donate blood, which my mom in response freaked out to and started a claim against my friend’s mom and the school.

TIFU When lying about my mental state turned into the end of my life as I know it

This all unfolded yesterday, as my (29M) ex came to know the truth about my lies. Since a year I have a lot of diffuclties whit my mental state, everytime edging a depression or burnout. It probably was longer due, but school terminating my graduation internship was the drop that made the camel overflow. Also, I have a lot of difficulties with sharing my feelings. Around last summer, I got a new graduation internship and a new side job for covering the expenses of living together. She also works the same side job, as she is finalizing her master. We truly had a wonderful time together, but I struggled financially and emotionally. She is just perfect, always considerate, kind, caring. Well, here comes the fuck up. While I have been feeling like I had too much on my plate (from a full time internship combined with a side job, also in combination with a psychological trajectory for coping with all of my feelings), late November/beginning of December I needed some space for myself regarding internship. So I lied to them about why I can't come for a few days, because I was ashamed and scared to tell them my psychological problems. But also not to worry anyone else, I told no-one about this, not even my psychologist. Also, it was because i just thought it would be for a couple of days and then I could return and everything was back to normal. That was a mistake on my part, because with each day passing by, it was harder and harder for me to return, and also it was harder to come clean to my partner, friends and family. I was trapped in my own lie. In stead of going to my internship, I went to my university campus, hoping I would find the courage to tell my problems to my faculty, or even at my internship. But really hoped I could just find the words to tell my partner. That only didn't succeed because all the time I was ashamed, scared of her reaction, probably scared for the confrontation. But mostly because I saw myself as a real loser. At this point I can only think how I can't finish my bachelor at 29, how I can only hurt others. All the while she is performing great at life. She can even help me financially (a little bit, just to cover some expenses). She helped me with just about everything and I feel our future together was the thing that kept me going. But yesterday she found out and confronted me. Today she ended our relationship, which I can fully understand. She just wanted honesty and she feels I violated our trust, the basic of a relationship, and I completely agree. But now, as I'm writing this, sobbing over my mistakes, I don't know how to proceed from here. Now I live alone, don't have my shining light with me and everything is so empty. I have had a couple of relationships before, two of them lasted 4 years, but none of them felt so bad as this one. We should've had a future together and she is just perfect in every way I can imagine. But I need to work on myself first, but I just don't know how. Sorry if this felt like a rant to myself or situation, I just needed to write this of off me. TL;DR: Needed some space because of depression/burnout symptoms, lied about it and pretended everything was just fine. Lied about going to intership and didn't know how to talk about it to my close ones. Partner found out yesterday and is my ex as of today.

TIFU by not reading the fine print when cancelling my flight

I had a flight programmed for a month from now. But due to some unforeseen reasons, I saw myself forced to change the dates. The flight was with United, and they'd allow me to change the dates by paying a small change fee + the fare difference. The thing is, the new prices + the fee were no longer attractive. So I wondered if just cancelling the flight would be better. I checked their cancellation page and they'd give me a refund for 100% of the costs in the form a credit I could use with them. Now, I'm gonna say "I didn't read the fine print", but I could swear that there was actually no such thing and it's just something the airline sneaks in to not lose money, but I took the deal and tried to book a new flight, and surprise surprise, "you cannot pay for this flight with your credit", so I go to the details...the credit has a "use from November 2024" line to it. TL;DR I cancelled a flight in hopes of using the refund credit to avoid the change fee, but the credit itself can only be used several months from now, whereas the original date was in a few weeks.

TIFU by stomping my foot on the ground too hard.

TIFU by unintentionally scaring two girls in a narrow alleyway. I'm a huge muscular guy with a naturally intimidating face, and I often find myself trying to pass people so they don't feel uncomfortable. This time, I was in a rush and the girls ahead of me were walking slowly. Desperate to avoid being mistaken for a creep, I decided to make some noise while walking to alert them of my presence. However, my attempt at a subtle warning backfired spectacularly. I miscalculated the needed force and stomped the ground way too hard, producing a deafening BANG! The girls were terrified, and I turned beet red from embarrassment. I never meant to scare them like that. They stopped in their tracks, and one of them whispered to the other, "Move, let the big tough guy pass." The look of disgust they gave me was worse than anything I've ever experienced, even from my dad. I hurriedly walked past them, but their whispers lingered in my ears. I felt incredibly ashamed. While I know I'll probably never see them again, the awkwardness still haunts me. TL;DR: Tried to pass two girls in a narrow alleyway to avoid looking like a creep, but ended up scaring them by stomping too loudly. They gave me disgusted looks, and I felt incredibly embarrassed.

TIFU by not caring about my husband's new kitchen utensil

Military moving companies are a different breed. There are good ones that pack your things with care and keep everything organized or you get the bad disorganized, random stuff tossed in random boxes movers. Guess which one we got? Unfortunately, the timing of this last-minute move was made worse by yours truly being pretty pregnant. As such, my husband and I were racing against the ticking time bomb that was my due date. We were rushing to unpack boxes while simultaneously searching for our baby stuff when we realized just how f'd we really were. I'm talking gardening with bedroom stuff, garage with pantry, and kitchen with bathroom. It was the WORST. Eventually, we get everything unpacked with a week to spare before our son was born. Fast-forward a year later to last night when we're eating my favorite dish: chicken parmesan. My husband being the dork he is, is putting on his best Olive Garden Waiter impression while grating a mountain of glorious fancy parmesan cheese. Once he's finished, he starts going into his usual excitement over his favorite cheese grater. How the handle fits just right in his hand, the material, how fine it grates. I'm not a big kitchen utensil lover like he is which is where I screwed up. I don't generally pay attention to new cutlery, plates, and especially not cheese graters. But this time, I take the time to really look at his new gadget. Something about it was off. And that's when I noticed in pure nauseating horror why this seemingly boring cheese grater looked oddly familiar. Remember when I mentioned the mix up of our household items? Turns out, my husband had mentioned to me he had found this nice looking cheese grater in the box of bathroom stuff. I chalked it up to bring another mover mess-up, told him to just put it in the kitchen, and we continued on with our lives. Turns out his new cheese grater was my fucking *foot file*. That's right....we'd been eating countless pounds of finely grated cheese that had been grated using a nasty bathroom tool. Obviously upon this discovery, I waited until my husband was asleep to destroy the evidence by putting the cheese grating foot file into a plastic bag, then tossed it in the bin for garbage day today. After today, I hope to one day get my love of finely grated cheese back, but it'll take awhile. Long story short, listen to your spouse. It just might save your sanity. Tl;dr: My husband tried showing me something from a supposedly wrong moving box, I brushed it off without looking at what he was talking about, and I paid the price by eating finely grated parmesan cheese that was grated with a foot file for over a year.

TIFU by accidentally deleting the wrong drive on laptop.

So today when I was using my laptop I noticed that my C drive had no space and it was almost red because of the storage. So I thought why not allocate some storage to the C drive from my other drives which had plentiful of it. So when I tried initially it was all greyed out but after looking it on the internet I found out that I had to make the next drive subsequent to it empty on order to allocate the space. So I cut pasted all the contents from the D drive and shifted it to another drive let's say drive E. And shifted all my content to my drive E. Then cones the f**k up. Accidentally instead of emptying and allocating the storage from drive D. My stupid ass did not see clearly and cleared out my Drive E which had all my content. Which includes my work things, my documents, my pictures and everything that I had. So now I'm left withy brand new laptop which has a full C drive filled with all the useless shit. And the drives which both had my everything were vanished. I sat there thinking what the fuck have I done. The worst thing is that I am an international student and these pictures were all I had of my family and friends. I mean there are still some photos which are uploaded on my google drive but still it sucks. TL;DR accidentally deleted my wrong drive which had all my data and the sad thing is I can't even get it back. All my memories were vanished in front of me. I will never be able to recover from it

TIFU by smelling like Mary Jane at work

I work at a daycare. I just started a few weeks ago at the beginning of January. I do not smoke before work only after I get off. I always make sure to wash my clothes if I’ve smoked in them before I wear them to work as well. The clothes I wore today were freshly washed. I did not smoke at all today. However, though I was scheduled 9a-6p and I was sent home a little after 3pm for the smell. I had been there all day and no one had said anything to me until then. I have no idea why, it’s never been a problem before in the few weeks I’ve been working there. Nothing has changed. I was told there were multiple complaints about me and and that the smell was coming off me. I’m so confused and I have no idea how I’m supposed to show my face there again. I’m incredibly ashamed and embarrassed. How do I handle this? I feel like there everyone hates me now and is judging me. I’ve been a mess all day since…one of those moments where I want to curl up in a ball and just disappear. I’m not sure what I could have done differently. I took all the precautions. I have to go back in two days on Friday - how do I make sure to prevent this?? I struggle with extreme anxiety and I have no idea how I can recover from this mentally and from a work perspective. I’m terrified everyone I work with will dislike me for this as long as I work there- however much longer that may be if they don’t end up firing me. TLDR; got sent home for smelling like Mary Jane at work and I’m incredibly embarrassed. EDIT: thank you all for the support and advice!! It has helped tremendously. I decided to just quit cold turkey and already while I’m sober my mind feels so much more clear. I’m so grateful for those who recommended subreddits dedicated to quitting / cutting back on substances. It’s been a game changer.

TIFU by not drinking enough fluids

I “greened out” on my first edible high. It wasn’t even dosed so god knows how much canna butter and oil was in this fruity pebble rice crispy treats. I ate it around noon and enjoyed the couch lock just chilling playing some PS4 (at the time), got up to go to the bathroom, managed to get there after struggling to walk for 15 minutes I got my pants down started to piss and it felt like forever trying to finish. As soon as I pulled up my pants I fell face forwards splitting open the edge of my eyebrow on the counter next to the toilet bowl. I messed up big time I forgot to drink water and got so dehydrated from the edible my piss was brown af which I was too high to realize but my dad found me at 2am while trying to get into the bathroom because I landed on the floor behind the door after smacking my head. TLDR: took edible, enjoyed high, went to piss and then passed out from dehydration. Edit: Seeing a Dr tomorrow and getting blood work done. Thank you all for your concern!

TIFU by getting frustrated after being asked the same question 3 times by my wife and letting that frustration show

So, I got home from work around 8:30 in the morning. I put my stuff down, fed the dog, and sat down to join my wife in the livingroom as she watched YouTube. She offered to let me watch something, but I was fine watching whatever she wanted to watch. I didn't say it, but my reasoning was that I didn't want to watch anything because I was most likely going to fall asleep after having been awake all night long. She was watching courtroom judges berating dumb lawyers. It was pretty funny. I told her that I was fine watching whatever she wanted to watch. I started falling asleep, which is something that just happens after a 10 hour overnight shift. I get up, take a shower, come back and sit down. She offers me the remote to watch whatever I want and again I said whatever she wanted was fine. She puts on a Game Grumps compilation. Cool, I like Game Grumps. I introduced her to them. We watch. I start to fall asleep again. I fight to stay awake, but I'm losing the battle. She makes some coffee and I have a cup. She sat back down and again told me to watch what I wanted to. It was here that I got frustrated and said "For the third time," and I held up 3 fingers like a jackass. "I'm fine. Watch what you want to." She fell silent and retreated to he phone. I could hear her sniffling. She was crying. She left the living room and went up to the front room where she works from home. She told me not to go up there. She started watching YouTube on her work computer. Now I'm alone in the livingroom with the TV to myself and feeling like a complete dick. TL, DR: Came home from work and sat down to watch TV. Wife offered to let me watch what I wanted 3 times. I got frustrated and let that frustration show when I said "For the third time..." and made her cry.

TIFU by sending the wrong audio file to my music teacher

Hi all. I'm currently 17, doing sixth form music. We did this Ensemble for a musical called 'Little Shop of Horrors' and between all of the music group that formed a band, we agreed that it was our best unit. However, my teacher had little to no evidence supporting what we did, though I had some files so I named them and sent them over to him. Today when I checked back on these reversals, I realised that I renamed and sent the wrong file to my music teacher. The rehearsal 2 and 3 were fine, but rehearsal 1 was me and my brother arguing. I've sent a message to my teacher asking him to not submit that file, and have sent him the actual file now. I'm super embaressed and nervous, but my teacher gets to school in a few hours and should hopefully see my message I sent to him. TL;DR: Did a musical for my music btec, teacher had no recordings of rehearsals so I sent mine. Accidentally sent an audio file of me and my brother arguing.

TIFU by drinking rotten juice.

Most unusually for this sub of self-humiliation and shame, this in fact happened less than an hour ago. My local in-convenience store had been closed for over a week without explanation. Venturing out in the middle of the night to the nearest 24-hour gas station to pick up snacks and drinks amidst the coldest part of the winter is an acutely distressing task, so when I looked out of my apartment window and noticed that the store was again operating, I was delighted. The neon “OPEN” sign hung crookedly above the glass door, and on any other occasion would have been celebrated. Today, however, the sign served as an omen. I trudged out into the slush and cold and entered the store. I picked up, among other things, a tetra pack of fruit juice. Images of various colorful fruits dancing and splashing in purified water adorned the packaging–another omen. Ernesto the store owner entertained me with stories of his family’s trip to Jamaica. Nice, Ernesto. I am happy you enjoyed your vacation. I got home and put my juice aside. Because of the shitty weather, my wife and I decided to shift the risk of death-due-to-car-accident onto another person and ordered in a pizza, rather than retrieve it ourselves. It was after eating entirely too much of said pizza that The Incident occurred. Greasy, salty, cheesy pizza tends to result in a unique thirst. Juice. Juice will do nicely. When I grabbed it, I noticed that the cap was leaking a little. Huh. My wife told me not to drink it–yet another omen. I’ll be fine, I said. This is the part where you think I’m going to tell you how I drank it anyway and became violently ill. I did not become violently ill. No. Though I did begin to drink it, and though it was *rank*, and though it did contain gelatinous *chunks*, and whereas I violently spit it out in a dramatic overreaction…it was not I who became violently ill. My wife sat there in shock. What the fuck, she asked. When I told her about the *chunks*, her face turned pale. It is said that The Hut cannot be out-pizza’d, but my wife’s stomach thereupon began to challenge that claim. She began to *retch*. She began to *heave*. This all occurred during her unfortunate, frantic journey to the bathroom. There were now *chunks* of a different and perhaps more sinister variety strewn about the floor, tracing a path from the living room, through the kitchen, and into the bathroom. She continued spewing into the toilet. I keeled over laughing. The cat was confused. The clean up was not so much fun. TL;DR - Don’t eat or drink anything that is unsealed, or your spouse will project the contents of his or her stomach in inconvenient directions.

TIFU by listening to what my wife said without questioning it

I'm sitting here in front of the washing machine, wondering how the fuck I got here. This fuck up happened approximately 30 minutes ago. I had just successfully fixed the garage door; the guide wheel had popped out of the guide track and was causing the garage door to go up and down in a weird grinding manner. I was super proud and came upstairs from the basement and my wife had just finished walking the dog and came in the front door. I greeted her, excited to brag to her about how I had just fixed the garage door. She handed me the poop bag and told me to toss it for her, and I put the dog poop to the side as I was telling her about how I fixed the garage door. A fly appeared out of nowhere, on the wall right next to where we were talking. I've dealt with a lot of flies before, and I'm actually really good at killing them. The key is the flick of the wrist. You need to swing fast and hard and just slap down on the fly with a vengeance so you can make contact before it bolts away. I lined up my hand and was about to execute, when she yelled at me, "Ew don't use your hand!" I looked around and saw her flip flop near the door, and she was like, "Just use the poop bag." I picked up the little green poop bag, lined up my shot, and slapped the shit out of that fly. When the bag made impact with the wall, it burst open. Shit flew everywhere. It sprayed on my face, it got in my hair, it was on the floor, it was on the wall. When I looked down, a big chunk was just in the center of my shirt, and it was on my jeans. I stood there in disbelief, as my wife burst out laughing. My two young sons were just rounding the corner and watched it happened, and they started rolling on the floor crying in laughter. Everyone was laughing and having a great time, as I stood there wondering what the fuck had just happened. I took a shower, then realized that my only work appropriate jeans had dog shit on them, so I went downstairs to do some laundry. As I sit here in front of my washing machine, I am still left wondering. Did I even kill the fly? TL;DR Tried to kill a fly with my hand, my wife said to use the dog poop bag and I smashed the bag into the wall and it burst open and got dog poop everywhere. The worst part is, I still don't know if I even killed the fly. Edit: Woke up this morning and saw how many upvotes this got and showed my wife. She got upset that people are going to think she’s an idiot for suggesting the poop bag, so I need to add some context. In her defense, she thought the fly was one of those slow moving halfway dead flies, and she was expecting me to just smoosh the fly with the bag and then throw it away. In my defense, I was preoccupied and beaming with pride about how I just fixed the garage door. So when I was presented with my foe, the fly, I went into fight mode without thinking and just attacked. It did not process in my mind how fragile the doggie poop bag was. I just assumed it was like a ziploc bag. I really wasn’t thinking because I just saved hundreds of dollars by not having to call the garage door guy. Update: 1. Kids were still laughing about it this morning, so a core memory was probably unlocked. 2. Garage door was moving beautifully this morning when I left for the office. A redditor said he just spent $422 to fix his garage door, so I confirmed I just saved a shitload of money. 3. Life status of the fly, still unknown, but I’m optimistic he’s dead. Overall, life is good.

TIFU By Shooting My Shot

Ok so I (15F) went to a basketball game with a friend of mine (also 15F) today and I was having so much fun, I really enjoy watching basketball even if I don't always understand. Anyway, to what you actually want to hear, I saw this guy, on the opposite team, he looked to be about my age, mind you I am going to be 16 very soon, remember that in your judgment of this, but I couldn't stop looking at him, this is the JV game so like I figured he's the same age right? I keep watching him and he definitely notices me, now I don't think I'm that attractive so I never think I have a chance but you never know. After his game is over I go to watch the next game and he is there rooting for his team. I went into the hallway outside the gym with my friend and he was there, I looked at him, He definitely sees me, there was eye contact. At this point I probably sound crazy but I'm weak in the knees because he is so good looking. He walks away and that was that. After the game we see him in the hall again, my friend tells me I need to shoot my shot because I have been talking about him all night. I should have been more confident or something, but you know woulda , shoulda , coulda. I ask him for his snapchat and he dosent say no so I got hopeful, he pauses and asks how old I am, his friend is putting his arm around cute boy's shoulder at this point too, so I think he probably I'd single too, I say I'm 15 and he says oh sorry, I'm 17, and quickly walks so he can catch his teams bus and he is now out of my life forever. I'm so embarrassed and I'm feeling low on the self esteem but is this just how this is? I've never been the kind of girl to shoot my shot and I just don't know what to think. So is this just YOLO and forget it or did I mess up? TL;DR I decided to shoot my shot with a guy I thought was cute from another team and he said he is too old for me pretty much, only just over 1 year? What? YOLO, mess up, or just how it is?

TIFU by interpreting something my husband said literally and yelling out on command

Happened a couple of hours ago. Just to preface, I (30F) am a doctor and he (30M) works in law enforcement. We don’t live in the US. I came down with a high fever today and my husband was helping me take care of myself after he got home from work. My fever wasn’t breaking with medication so he was helping me sponge myself to get my temperature down. Since it was getting late, he also helped me move from the couch to the bedroom. This is where the fuck-up happened. He helped put me down on the bed and said “Yell for me”. What he meant was that he was leaving the door of the bedroom open and he was going to be outside in the living room, and to yell if I needed him. I, on the other hand, wiped out from an entire day of being sick, interpreted what he said LITERALLY in the split second that followed; I honestly don’t have a good explanation of why but I think my medical-brain did some mental gymnastics in the moment and I thought he was trying to test in some weird, joking manner if I could still speak out since my throat was sore. Completely nonplussed, I went “AAAAAAAAAA” as loudly as I could muster it up (which was probably very detrimental to the sore throat in question). He was confused for a second, then he laughed it off because he thought I was being funny until I told him the truth. This led to him panicking that I might be delirious, and I had to assure him in every way possible that I was fully oriented. To be honest, this was the kind of thing I might’ve misinterpreted even in completely good health, I’m just more aware of and able to cover better for my one-track thinking when I’m less exhausted from being sick. (Before anyone asks, I know what it sounds like and I’ve been to a therapist because I always suspected that I might be on the spectrum or might have ADHD, because my entire life I’ve struggled to function like everyone else around me. My therapist didn’t officially diagnose me with either but said that I MAY have ADHD, so I always say I have Schrödinger’s ADHD. She had her own methods and was more solution-oriented about everything and it did genuinely help me. I haven’t seen a psychiatrist because I’ve been so busy but keep thinking I should). TL:DR- Husband said “Yell for me” and I literally yelled out when he meant yell for him if I needed help because I was sick.

TIFU by giving by friends girlfriend panties

Ok, so let me start off by saying that im 19 and a trans man, i have had no surgery, no hormone treatments, i usually just wear a binder or heavy clothes. So, i still have periods, and my whole life ive been taught to carry extra supplies on me, this includes underwear, so i do that, i buy packages of brand new panties and put them into little baggies with pads in then just to make my life easier. And because occasionally i give a package away to a friend whos in need. Due to an incident in high school, where a friend of a different size bled through and was stuck waiting half an hour for her mother i now carry pre made packages with different sized panties that dont fit me. My friends in highschool knew why and the girls loved it, some even gave ne money to buy supplies, like pain meds, pads, or their sizes. Now in university i have two groups of friends, a group of guys, and a group of gals, this is mostly because both groups do different things as hang outs and well i enjoy both things the guys dont enjoy shopping trips and for the most part the girls dont want to go to the arcade. So one day a guys gf, lets call her sasha joins the girl group, she knows im trans and everyone got along pretty well, and one day my friend emily sends me a text which was basically what we call an emergency text, or aka, im in class, cant text long. The message was simply Sasha. Building A floor 1. I left my class and ran over and could hear her crying, sashas pretty sensitive and her periods are bad. When i got there i asked her if she bled through, she confirmed she had gone through one layer, i said 'ok, now this is a weird question but bare with me, what size do you wear?', when she answered i pulled out one of the packages and tossed it under the stall. When she finally got out of the stall she thanked me, hugged me, and went back to class. I forgot about it after that, until the guys sent a group text asking to meet up. I met up with them at lunch, and sashas boyfriend immediately said 'why are you carrying around a shit ton of panties', i kinda paused for a moment and asked for clarification and he told the guys how instead of calling sashas mom, i gave sasha panties like a weirdo. I explained the situation and why i had everything, and that some of these packages were for me, i reminded him that im transgender and still have a period myself. His response was that, he got that part, but he doesnt see why im carrying around panties for his girlfriend. This is where i really fucked up, by saying i had packages for all the girls in the girl group. This furthur upset more guys, who also had girlfriends in the girl group, i tried to explain that for two of them, emily and ashley, their parents dig through their bags and even remove stuff, i dont have that problem, and that for janet she has to carry around three books everyday and has no room in her bag well i only have a laptop and have room. Apparently this made things worse, and so now, none of the guys are talking to me until i stop it, apparently they dont like that i know their size, and what panties their girlfriends are wearing. The girls are also now pissed at their boyfriends and are debating ways to attempt to fix this situation because they feel bad that im in the middle of this fight that they think should be between them and their boyfriends. TLDR: gave a girl a period package contain panties, now the guys in our friend group wont talk to me because i know what their girlfriebds are wearing sometimes. Update: so heres an update for anyone curious, ive talked with the gals, ive been letting them handle the situation much to some comments disagreement but the guys are ignoring me or were. Sasha apologized to me, blaming herself for the situation apparently when she got back to class scott (her bf), asked her what happened, she said her period started and she bled through, he was surprised how fast her mom got to the uni with fresh clothes and without thinking she kinda laughed and said 'no, socks gave me a pair!' And didnt further elaborate. This led to the guys talking about it without me, deciding it was a bit weird i was carrying her size, and when i tried to explain they just heard excuses for creeping on sasha and their girlfriends. The girls talked to them, and the guys say well they dont fully understand our reasonings for everything, they agree with the girls that im not a creep. Some of the guys claim they forgot i was trans (idk how you forget that) and others just say they didnt realize how annoying controlling parents can be, or how difficult it is to carry the necessary supplies when you also have to carry four five hundred page books, a laptop, and clipboard. Theyve apologized to me and said they should have listened to me about why i had what i had. For now it seems like things are mostly going back to normal, with a few guys still feeling a bit awkward about it, but dont want to face the wrath of their girlfriends, who did as some of you suggested, told the guys to either suck it up, or carrying the packages themselves in their also nearly empty bags, as well we are mostly in the same programs, we are in different courses for the similar programs, and i have a disability which allows me to use my computer in all classes to access the textbooks, where as the girls dont get the same privileges, meaning i have more room. Also to everyone thinking the girls are taking advantage of me, they arent, when i bled through all layers emily drove to her house and stole a pair of her brothers sweat pants for me, her house was like a minute away, and brought them to me. If she was taking advantage of me she wouldnt have been so willing to help me. I chose to do this, they arent forcing me, i can stop any time i want, i started this in high school when my friend was stuck on the toilet for half an hour. Sure emilys house is close, but if our friend ashley needed clothes one of us would either have to go to our houses, buy her clothes from the mall or walmart, or wait 2 hours for her mom to get her clothes. My way is just simpler and easier, please dont insult the girls, adults still need help sometimes to, thanks for all the advice, which i mostly transferred to the girls, the guys arent ignoring my texts, we've all apologized for the situation, we havent met in person yet so i guess I'll see how that goes later on, might be awkward for a bit. Edit: i didnt ask your opinions on my gender or transition, i dont need to take hormones to do my transition, i just need surgeries and those aren't a priority, i will not elaborate further on that, use your brains. I was raised in a very loving home, having a bad home life is not a cause of transgender, transgender stems from the brain developing differently from the body, the brain says one thing and the body another and its easier to change the body then the brain as you cant turn a brain into something its not without extreme harm, thanks im in nursing, ive learned all this five times. And please stop insulting my friends, the girls could not have handled the situation, emily and ashley were in a lab, they are literally not allowed to leave the room, the other two gals werent at the school, anf i was in lecture, sashas mom was an hour away, i was not leaving sasha in the bathroom on a toilet for 1+ hours. And yes i wear panties on my periods, pads fit better to them, and they are more comfortable on a period well boxers are more comfortable off a period. Hope this answers any further questions

TIFU by taking the back roads.

Ironically I had just been telling my mom that morning how I was considering snow tires for my car. All-season tires are good, but not snow-tire-good. I was coming back from visiting some friends out of town and took the scenic route. Admittedly I should have stayed on the main roads, as we just had a winter storm recently. My car ended up coasting down a slushy back road, sliding and spinning before just absolutely plunging into a snowbank. I was unable to get out of my driver’s side; the snow was thigh deep, and I had to climb over the console and out the passenger side. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a moment of panic; I was in a very rural area with no cell signal, and with no earthly idea where I was or if anybody would come to help. Thankfully not long after, some good Samaritans offered to pick me up so I could stay warm and use their phone to call a tow truck. The temps were in the single digits and the tow truck didn’t arrive until three hours later. (That in of itself was understandable, as I figured others were probably stuck, but when he arrived and started groveling about how he was too cold and it was too dark, and he just didn’t know what to do and might try again in the morning—I mustered up the last of my patience to tell him to drive me up the hill so I could get a signal to call somebody else.) A second tow truck arrived in five, digging me out in fifteen. Lesson learned, and time to look into some damn snow tires. TL;DR I took the scenic route with no snow tires after a recent winter storm, and ate shit in a snowbank in single temps and in the middle of nowhere.

TIFU by making an unfortunate typo.

So, my current job is not going well and I’ve applied for several other jobs both internal and with other companies in the last couple of weeks. Today I turned in an application for a job where I know the hiring manager personally. She texted me a few hours later to let me know there was a typo. I misspelled “Bachelor’s Degree.” My BA is in Writing. My FU probably won’t affect my chances much with this job; but the job I applied for yesterday was a grant writing job. You know, the kind of job where “excellent proofreading skills” are a requirement. I am soooo embarrassed. But at least I have an interview tomorrow. Not for the writing job; I think that one is screwed unless I get lucky and they don’t notice. TL;DR - I submitted a résumé for a writing job with a spelling error unfortunately juxtaposed against my degree in writing.

TIFU I by throwing a snowball at my own car

This morning, I was across the street joking around and chatting up with my neighbor. We got a lot of snow in our area last week that is starting to melt as the temperature has finally gone well above freezing. So, the snow packs exceptionally well and creates a pretty solid, but still soft snow ball that you can get some pretty good distance and velocity on. We were standing there talking about things such as the nfl games on yesterday, the local news, the Roman Empire, you know, just guy stuff. I was per usual being ADHD and just kind of playing around with the snow on his driveway while we communicated, packed up a nice little snowball while talking and said “you owe me $10 if I can hit my windshield” to which he quickly obliged as my car was parked backwards in my driveway directly across from us and served as a perfect target. My fiancé was, lucky for her, not outside. Or she would’ve been my first target. So, I hucked it across the street (I’d say about 125 feet as it felt like the distance between 3 rd and 1 st base). And hit it square center of the windshield and was laughing away. I played collegiate baseball and can still wing it, but this was just kind of a lob toss and was a pretty light snowball so I didn’t think it would hurt much. A few moments later, as the snow slowly slipped down the windshield, I noticed what was a new glimmer on the windshield from the direct sunlight. I immediately thought “No fucking way did I crack it”. As we walked over there, it was apparent that I did, in fact, put a 10” [crack](https://imgur.com/a/AiZsZjN) right in the center of the windshield that has now spider webbed even further. The only thing my neighbor said, before slowly shuffling back to his home and shaking his head was “well, I’ll bring you that $10 later, looks like you’re going to need it for that windshield, my friend”. I’m not sure how difficult it will be to replace, as it may not be a common windshield sitting around at a local shop, and I’m sure it will continue to get worse. With the angle that it is at, it creates a glimmer whenever I’m driving in direct sunlight that is similar to the light you get from refraction when you use a magnifying glass to burn ants, and it is currently doing that to my eyes. Lesson of the story is, sometimes it’s fun to let those intrusive childhood thoughts win over. But, hucking a snowball at your own vehicle is not one of those times. Next time, I’ll use my adept snowball throwing skills for good reasons. Like sniping my neighbor Jan’s stupid Pomeranian, Tiffany, who won’t stop barking outside at 4am. Or maybe hunting down the neighborhood bullies like who keep leaving juice boxes in my mailbox. TLDR: threw a snowball at my car from 125 feet away, hit the windshield direct center, and created a large crack in my windshield (pictured above).

TIFU by looking through my moms phone

My mom has two phones, one is for phone calls and texting and work and regular every day stuff, her second phone is a game phone, and she always leaves it home when she’s at work. I lost my phone and had been searching for it for about 40 minutes before i got her game phone, and i began trying to call myself from her phone. None of her messaging/calling apps were able to call my number, so i opened her instagram (we follow each other there) to see if i could call myself that way. I opened her messages to try to find myself, but i couldnt find my account, nor any of her friends’ accounts or any other family members’ accounts. I really shouldnt have but i tapped on one of her chats with some stranger, and i read some messages of her flirting with this rando. She and my stepdad have been married for about seven years and dated for even longer. I have a stepsister that my stepdad cherishes also. I went through the rest of her messages which were all pretty much the same, back and forth flirting as well as her lying about being in a fully committed relationship, back as far (and probably further) as 2020. Shes had some people request to meet up irl, and i have no idea what to do. My step dad deserves to know, even though hes done super shady stuff in the past. I couldnt have ever guessed my mom was doing this, maybe in the past but the whole family has been in a very good spot since the new year. My boyfriend said i should talk to her first, but i know she’ll be PISSED i went through her phone, even if i was just trying to find my phone. I count all of what i mentioned already as cheating, and im still not sure how long this has been going on. Am i wrong? Should i just forget abt it?? TLDR; i found my married mom’s flirtatious messages on instagram trying to find my phone, and i dont know what to do

TIFU because I cursed at the PC

My TIFU story starts at the fact that I have had a date yesterday and went to sleep very late considering the fact that I had to wake up at five am because of work. So I slept like 4 hours, got ready, when I dropped a bottle of maple syrup on my big toe, causing it to turn into a weird pride flag consisting of blue, purple and other very nice colors creating a nice hue. This has caused me to get a neurological seizure (which can potentially cause me to die as my heart stops every time I faint and that’s exactly how my seizures been treating me)that ultimately got me late to work. Let me add up that I got some weird sort of climbing injury on my right wrist, doubling the pain amount I was dealing with. Mind me to tell you that I work as a customer service agent. So I was late, every step I took hurt like hell, but I clutched my teeth and got to work. I sat near my pc after explaining to a TL that I have potentially crippled myself for a week or so. No one from my team was there and I was getting ready for the shitstorm to start - angry customers and all of that. I was sleepy from the same beginning, doing my best to calm the customers and all of that. My work fortunately isn’t based on calls, but live chats. Each time I get a live chat, although I love my work, I tend to tell the pc to “shut the fk up” or something in that sense as the sound of an incoming message is very sharp and could even bring a dead person back to life. 10 am, colleagues start to pile up. I already had like 15 of the chats behind me. Two colleagues who speak Arabic speak to each other very loudly. And of course I got a chat. My first reaction? A very tired “shut the fuuuuuu- up”. The customer was fortunately not responsive, but I had to say the stfu thingy again because not only the sound was triggering me but also the brightness of the screen. Mind me to tell you that I was already dead tired after all the fuss from morning. Out of nowhere, the Arabic speaking guys went quiet and one of them went on me like: “Now like what’s your problem? You have chosen to sit here, so stop behaving like this!” Me: “Uhhh, pardon me? I’m not telling that to you but to the computer…” He: “Yeah, the person isn’t replying to you, of course you are telling that to me” That’s when I started to awkwardly apologize and he was looking at me in a weird way, very insulted. After that I have gone for a smoke break after which I sat down with him and explained myself that to be honest, I’m just very tired, I didn’t mean to sound like an asshole. He has thankfully understood and we moved on with our lives. TL;DR: Colleague got offended as I cursed on the computer, thinking I am talking to him.

TIFU by accidently not flushing the toilet right, resulting in my roommate thinking I had a miscarriage.

The toilet in our appartment sometimes doesn't flush right. It is gross and I always check but I forgot today, and I happen to be on my period. My roommate is a lovely gay guy who is also one of my best friends. So today, he knocks on my door and he looks like he is going to pass out. He asks me if I am alright, and if I am in pain. Safe to say I had no clue what he means, and he explains that he saw the embryo in the toilet. I was quiet for a moment and asked him to show me, and he proceeded to show me the (very small) bloodclot in the toilet. I almost cried laughing, and gave him a lesson in female anatomy, but my poor sweet roommate was completly prepared to console me with chocolate. By the way, he thought the blood that came out was only liquid, bright red, and not that much. Bless him. Tldr; Toilet didn't flush, there was a bloodclot, roommate jumps to conclusions and is traumatized.

TIFU by microwaving my soup for too long

I am on a liquid diet (well, soft foods anyway) for a week due to a major tooth extraction/bone graft I had done last week. Basically, for the last few days I've been eating a lot of soup and things like mac and cheese that doesn't really require chewing and doesn't have anything crunchy or hard... Fine while I was off work, but tonight I had to come back in for my normal overnights... As usual, I left my house later than I wanted to and was running late on my way in to work. I hadn't really considered how I was going to handle the issue of eating tonight, normally I stop and get a burrito or a sandwich on my way into work, but these were both off the menu tonight due to the dental surgery (at least until the end of this week, its mushy food only, and nothing spicy and nothing citrus), so I opted to get a couple of those microwavable bowls of soup at the convenience store instead. Figured, I can just nuke 'em at the office and I will be good for the night... A little bit of background about me: I'm fantastic in a laboratory, but I'm a nightmare in a kitchen. Cooking and operating things like a stove or a microwave have been met with very limited success in the past and experience has taught me not to try these things by myself usually. Various fun stories about cooking mistakes that were so bad even the DOG wouldn't eat them riddle my childhood, so suffice it to say as an adult, I have to be very careful about trying to feed myself. This has resulted in multiple (as in, MORE than one) calls to the fire department and emergency services in the past for various reasons, and at one point in time, an actual authority figure suggested to me that I should probably just stay away from the kitchen... So, I neglected these lessons tonight when I CAREFULLY read the instructions on the back of the microwavable soup container which read "Microwave on high 11/2 minutes" <-- no, there is no typo in that, this is exactly how I read it, spaced as such. I won't go so far as to specifically name the brand here, but if you want to see this for yourself, this is the red one that an eccentric mid 20th century artist probably would have liked, if he ate chunky chicken noodle... Anyway, on the stove, it usually takes about 5-10 minutes for this stuff to heat up, so, when I read ELEVEN AND A HALF minutes, I didn't really question it. I set the timer and hit start and walked away, confident that modern technology had my back. Turns out, it did not, and I returned some 12 minutes later to a steaming hot boiling mess all over the microwave and the not so terribly unpleasant aroma of chicken noodle soup filling the air of our little shared sundries microwave. I now realize in retrospect that it was supposed to read as ONE AND A HALF minutes, not ELEVEN. After procuring a pair of kevlar and asbestos lined gloves to remove the nuclear fuel container that was now left, irradiated in the microwave, I now face the unenviable task of figuring out how to clean this mess. It is fortunately mostly contained to the microwave itself (just a little drippage outside), but I have been reminded of a valuable lesson tonight, and next time I need to heat up some soup, I will go use a glass beaker with bunson burner and a heat pad like a normal human being. ​ TL;DR: I microwaved a bowl of soup for 10 times as long as I was supposed to due to a font/reading error, and I have probably ruined a microwave and caused my office to smell of chicken noodle soup for the rest of eternity.

TIFU by leaving my copious adult paraphernalia out in my room

My sister got married today so the entire extended family came to town for a massive wedding. I work in finance and had the busiest week of my professional career. As a result I had been MIA for some of the festivities earlier in the week. Still wanting to do my part, I offered my house to five separate sets of relatives. I have a rather large house and can sleep about ten people comfortably. My bedroom is on the main fooor adjacent to the kitchen and the entertainment space. This will be relevant shortly. I had been told for months on end that my guests would be arriving Thursday morning. I had hired a maid to clean the entire house top to bottom on Tuesday with the exception of my bedroom which I prefer to clean myself. Cut to Wedensday morning before work. I was wanting to blow off some steam before the extended family arrive and had quite a morning with my extensive collection. I own seven Real Dolls with costumes ranging from Zero Suit Samus to Queen Maeve to Rey Skywalker. I cosplay dress all my real dolls. Laugh if you want but it’s my thing and totally drama free (until this week) unlike real women. As real as the dolls are, providing them with costumes and fictional personalities has been incredible for my sex life. Again, this habit hurts no one. It’s hygienic and bereft of complications. I knew I had my house to myself Wednesday so my plan was to clean up after work. I had finished multiple times and it was quite the mess. I’d muted the wedding group chat at work that day because the messages had become incessant. Upon returning from work I saw multiple cars in my driveway. Said fact honestly did not register until I recognized my aunt’s Tesla. I walk into my house and everyone is quiet—my mom, my dad, my cousins, aunts and uncles. I greeted them briefly and rushed into my room to find all seven dolls stuffed in my master closet and my bed made. I lock my door and go into the bathroom in a sheer panic. In the group chat I discover that everyone had arrived a day early due to a miscommunication and that my parents had come over and let them all in at the same time. Which means everyone saw my post solo orgy cosplay real doll collection. I texted my mom saying I had a long day and was too tired to entertain. She replied with a thumbs up and she never ever uses emojis. I drank a half a fifth of whiskey and passed out. I still have no idea who cleaned up the mess and who exactly saw what. This has been the worst and most awkward weekend of my life. The entire wedding was dead silent through my entire speech at the rehearsal dinner. TLDR I had a real doll orgy and got busted big time.

TIFU by Reversing into a parked car

I (15M) Got my permit to drive yesterday. I was super excited, showed all my friends my license and when I got home, my brother (17M) asked if i wanted to park it into the driveway. The previous time I drove The stick Was a normal one, with an actual stick. But this time It was a virtual one, with a wheel you twist. I got in the car and set everything up, then my Other brother (4M) walked outside. When this happened, I panicked and started to back up so I didn’t hit him. I got confused with the wheel thing and drive backwards into another car across the street, breaking the back light of our car, and the back light of theirs, also denting the neighbors car. I went inside and threw up from stress. After, the Neighbors drove away Our Car is a rental, and I have no idea how to tell my parents. Ill probably get grounded for the rest of my life, and I dont have a job yet so I cant pay it. Im Terrified, I drove with my father earlier and I did fine, no problems, I panicked and now ill probably be in debt forever, my dad was just about to buy me a car tomorrow too. How can I tell them? Am I fucked? TLDR: Drove into another car, and dented my parents car and theirs, Have no idea how to tell parents

TIFU by Watching Porn on My Phone and Accidentally Broadcasting the Audio to My Outdoor Speakers for All The Neighbors to Hear

I live in a camper in an RV park and my camper's radio has Bluetooth. I use it for listening to music, but I also use continue to use the Bluetooth when watching porn on my phone sometimes. This morning, I woke up to a lot of noise from my neighbors. They were outside with their kids and hanging out. The campsites here are quite close together. Eventually the noise quieted down and I decided to watch some porn to start the day. I went to watch some porn, but my radio wouldn't connect to my phone, so I turned the radio off and turned it back on which I forgot resets the zone settings. Zone one is the speakers inside, while zone two is the speakers on the outside of the camper. After I turned the radio off and back on, my phone connected to it and then I proceeded with my goal. I turned up the volume nice and loud, but not loud enough to be heard outside. I watched porn for about twenty minutes and I was paranoid about it being too loud, so I turned it down. I swore I heard a tapping on my door. It was three knocks long, but I thought that maybe it wasn't my door being knocked on. I continued to lie in bed and finish my porn, quietly, though I still had the Bluetooth on. After my porn, I turned on some music and jammed out. A few hours later, I took the trash out and I noticed that my music was playing through my outdoor speakers and not just my indoor speakers. That's when I realized what happened and when I thought that the tapping on my door most likely was on my door and not my neighbor's door. To make matters worse, the porn I was watching wasn't exactly vanilla. It was very kinky and naughty, so I'm going to lay low for now and hope I don't get into any trouble. **TL;DR I accidentally broadcast porn to my outdoor speakers while my neighbors and their kids were spending time outside and didn't realize until hours later and I am certainly embarrassed now.**

TIFU by falling for the most transparent scam ever.

25M here, first time posting, sorry if wrong subreddit. Was about to sell an item from FB Marketplace, guy said he wanted to do it via a well known courier service and he then sent me the link. Aand I fell for the classic type your card data and wait for confirmation. Bank app notification came, i unlocked with fingerprint and I was out of 260e, 90% of my funds, which is half of a paycheck here and a lot of money for a student. Didn't need the usual fingerprint > pay > fingerprint again procedure but nvm that now. Bank says they can't return because I authorized it. But none of this really matters for the post. How do I get over this in my mind? I still feel guilt and shame for many things that I did wrong since 20 years ago, and none of them I screwed up this bad. My family told me its okay, just move on, its just money and they will help me, but I know what my mind is like, it's going to guilt trip me fairly often. I didn't earn it myself but got it from my family so I feel like I've failed them again. Anyone with a similar mind, how do you deal with it? TL;DR Lost 260€ by falling for a noob scam, overcome by guilt and shame. EDIT: Thank you all so much for everything. I understand it will sting for a while but as many of you said it's a lesson. I will be going to my bank first then to the police (Bank support could only cancel my card, other departments didn't work today.). I realize there's 0 chance of getting my money but I would like to at least help stop them from scamming others who might have much more on their accounts.

TIFU by thinking Jehovah's witnesses weren't real

I know Jehovah's Witnesses exist, but I just didn't think these two were real, there's much more context to come I live in a Southern coastal city that does a lot of filming, and I work in the entertainment industry. About a year ago I was on set deck for a movie that was filming downtown. It's a really fun job where I get to help design and decorate the sets, mess with the props and set them up just right and modify them to fit the scene, and make sure that any copyrighted work without a release form is either out of shot or covered. During filming we had three filming locations about a block apart from each other, one was a coffee shop, the other was a square downtown, and the third was a church. In that square, it's a pretty well-known area where Jehovah's Witnesses often have a little stand set up, therefore one of our props was a Jehovah's Witness stand with little booklets, pamphlets, and a sign. That morning before we got on set, it was my job to disorganize them a little bit and make some of the booklets and pamphlets look used. An hour or so later I decided to walk to the coffee shop and get myself something before they close down for filming, and the walk from the church to the coffee shop took me right through the square where I saw the prop from earlier and two extras(background actors, not extra props). They struck up friendly conversation as I passed and I replied "hey, how y'all doing this morning! Here a bit early huh? Did someone change the pamphlets? Those are different from what I set up this morning" they looked very confused and asked what I was talking about, they told me they had set it up themselves. Now this confused me greatly because I had definitely set one up for this exact location, why had they set up another one? And why would the extras set it up? That's when it clicked in my very cold, tired brain, and I said "oh my god you're real!" I froze, then just walked off to the coffee shop. I walked the long way back to the church out of embarrassment. I feel so bad for those two ladies who had someone walk up and question their existence and then run off, never to be seen again TLDR: I walked up to two Jehovah's witnesses thinking they were actors and asked them why they weren't using the props I set up, only to yell "oh my god you're real" and leave

TIFU By turning myself into an oompah loompa

Figured I'd have a bit of self care. So, with some extra time on my hands, I decided to treat myself to a DIY face mask, thjnking I'd go natural ingredients only. I found a supposedly "natural" face mask recipe online that promised a radiant glow. One of the main ingredient was turmeric – I mean, it's anti inflammatory etc so figured great! I mixed up the concoction and applied it generously to my face, feeling optimistic at having great skin. As the mask dried, I realized my mistake. My reflection in the mirror was orange as F! Panicking, I quickly searched for solutions to remove the stubborn orange tint, but all I found were recommendations like "wait it out" or "embrace the glow." Desperately I attempted to wash it off, only to discover that turmeric LITERALLY bloody stains everything it touches. By the time I accepted defeat, my face resembled a neon pumpkin, and I had unintentionally transformed what was supposed to be a nice face mask into an impossible to remove orange layer. How the hell am I going to face work! Wife is no help as she can't stop laughing. TL;DR tried to do a au naturale face mask and am now orange and can't remove it

TIFU by realizing that I have been misspelling "definitely" for the past 8 years

So English isn't my first language and when I was originally learning it I learnt the word definitely BUT I heard it as definently so that's how I've been spelling and saying it for the past 8 years then when I got a new phone that didn't have all my autofill stuff I started noticing it saying it's spelled "definitely" but I brushed it off as my phone being stupid because none of my old phones spelled it like that (stupid and arrogant I know) so I kept spelling it like that until one of my British friends asked me about it and then I googled it and I realised that I have been stupid and now I just want to dig my own grave with bare hands and KMS Tl;Dr: thought definitely was spelled definently and have been spelling it like that for years until a new phone schooled me Edit: the reason this post seems to drag on and on is due to the fact that I could have said this in 100 characters but this sub has a 750 minimum

TIFU by eating Weetabix

Not today, but yesterday. For background, I have a high protein diet because of weight training. I've never had any issues before, but I recently switched to a new protein powder thats much higher in protein. That's the first FU, as I didn't realise the sheer magnitude of the difference in protein intake. So, after using this new powder for around 7/8 days, I ended up having the worst protein poo of my life. For those who haven't experienced that before - it's usually rock solid, uncomfortable and rather difficult to push out. And this one in particular, made me feel like I was no longer a bum-virgin. It was horrific. I then decided I needed a little more fibre in my diet to soften things up a bit. And I thought, "hey, Weetabix are high in fibre, I'll just have them for breakfast". That's FU number 2 (no pun intended). Fast forward to about day 6 of eating weetabix every morning, either 3 or 4 a day. There I was, on quite an important online meeting for work (I was WFH), when I felt a little gas build up. I thought that because I was on mute at the time, it would be okay to let it slip out. What followed was not only a toot... it was a hot, wet toot that sprayed down my right leg. Realising what had happened, I sent a very quick message excusing myself and then turned off my camera and ran to the bathroom. Got cleaned up, changed pants and came back to the meeting. Apologised for the absence and said it was because someone came to the door. At first, I was so confused. I thought I may becoming ill, or something was wrong. But then it hit me, I realised you can have too much fibre in your diet. Lesson learned - Weetabix in moderation. TL/DR - started eated Weetabix to soften up my poo. Ate too many and shat myself in an online work meeting.

TIFU my eye

Short post, happened two days ago. Rough week at remote work, eyes are strained and tired. Reach for my trusty eye drops, and experienced the ultimate betrayal. It wasn’t my eye drops - it was nail glue. I held my eyelid open and squirted a healthy dose of superglue directly on to my eyeball. Luckily I somehow had the wherewithal to hold my eyelids apart and peel off my contact lens, but I wasn’t fast enough and a huge glob of glue dried right on my cornea, and my lids and lashes felt like cement. Paramedics had to come and use a medieval device to flush my eye out, which didn’t work, so then they had to resort to using q-tips like chopsticks to get the glue off my eye. Next day I went to the eye doctor to have as much of the remains scraped and plucked off my lids and lashes as possible, and got some drops and ointment to help heal my scratched up eyeball. I did learn through this process that superglue is non toxic to the eye, tho I still wouldn’t recommend this experience to anyone. (Though apparently it happens more often than you might think lol) tl;dr: tried to lubricate my eyes with sweet sweet eyedrops, squirted myself in the eye with superglue instead.

TIFU by leaving laundry soap in sub zero temperatures.

I live an apartment without an in unit washer and dryer so I have to use a complex laundromat to wash my clothes. This cold winter morning I went out to go to the laundromat to wash my clothes. I got to my car only to realize I had left my laundry detergent and softener in my car last weekend when I did my laundry. The temperatures this week have been well below zero. Now my laundry detergent and softener are frozen solid. I guess I am not doing laundry this morning. Thankfully the only froze and did not expand and explode. As it stands its a funny mistake and not a TIFU by fucking up may car interior. But i still need to do my laundry so now I am at home with two jugs of solid laundry soap sitting in warm water in the sink. TLDR, frozen laundry soap.

TIFU telling my parents they were not allowed to have sex under my roof

My parents spent the week with me. It was something the two of them planned to do since I moved out and continued my life in another country. My mom and dad refused to let me arrange a hotel room for them. They wanted to be closer to me, as in, spare bedroom closer. I agreed to let them use the spare bedroom in my apartment on one condition: no sex under my roof. I decided to drop that line as my mom and dad were unpacking their bags. The look on my parents faces were priceless. I reminded them of the no sex under our roof rule I was forced to follow while living with them as a horny teenager who had equally horny girlfriends. My dad looked at my mom and said "you heard our son, honey... no hooking up in his house." All those years of fucking anywhere except for my room where it was comfortable and safe and somewhat private had brought me to this moment where I could have payback on the people who put me in that position. My payback backfired the following day when I was driving my parents to all the tourist attractions. Towards the end of the tour, my mom used the GPS on her phone to locate the nearest sex shop. She insisted that I drive her to the sex shop so she could stock up on sex toys. Hearing the words "sex toys" come out of my mom's mouth made me wanna fill my ear holes with wet cement and bleach my brain. I looked at my dad for help, but he just shrugged and said "you banned me from boning your mother, so now she's doing what she needs to do to get the job done without breaking the rules." I encouraged my mom to forget about the fucking sex shop and pretend that I never said anything about not allowing sex in my apartment. My mom said rules are rules and persisted that I drive to the sex shop, which I reluctantly ended up doing. Both my parents got out of the car whereas I did what probably most sons and daughters would do in that situation, which was wait the car and contemplate my life choices. My parents returned with more than enough bags for one person, hence my dad telling me that he found a few things he could use too. I made it clear to both my mom and dad that I never wanted to know what was in those bags. What made the situation even more awkward for me was walking to my apartment with my parents who were carrying bags that were covered in branding that made it obvious as fuck where my mom and dad were shopping. It was an uncomfortable and embarrassing experience crossing paths with some of the residents who knew me because I noticed them noticing the bags filled with sex toys that my unashamed mom and dad made no effort to hide in public. Since my parents returned home yesterday, I found a tongue vibrator under the bed in the spare bedroom and a prostate massager inside the bathrobe my dad forgot to pack. I made the mistake of informing my parents about it and now my dad is expecting me to somehow ship that shit to him. Sigh. **TL:DR** *My parents visited me for a few days. In an attempt to get back at them for not allowing me to have sex in their house when I was younger, I decided to enforce a similar restriction and prohibit them from sleeping with each other under my roof. What I thought was a taste of their own medicine turned into my parents forcing me to drive them to a sex shop to stock up an absurd amount of sex toys for them to use under my roof without breaking the rules. I've been finding used sex toys in my apartment ever since.*

TIFU by almost getting frostbite on my penis

I fucked up bad. Just a bit of context to preface. My goal for the past 7 years has been to become a police officer. I know I'm not a shining pillar of perfection, im human after all, but I'd like to do what I can to make the world at least a slightly better place than it was before I came into it. Every time I've applied, I've gotten to the physical fitness portion, and I've always been beaten out. I'm almost 29, and I'm not getting any younger, so a few months ago I decided to specifically take my cardio seriously. Fast forward to today. I try to run 3.5 miles every other day. I try not to worry about pace because I know it comes with time, I've only been at it for about 2 months, so I'd consider it a decent start. The cold front that just hit Indiana has been making it miserable for me, and I've been forced to keep it to a treadmill. Well, it was a bit warmer today than it has been for the past week, about 11 degrees Fahrenheit. I didn't consider windchill at all. I go out and start my run, not too bad. Little slower than usual, but I also have more layers on and its literally freezing. I get to about the 15 min mark and notice that my junk kind of feels odd. I stop for a min to assess myself ('I'm in the country side of Indiana, so no worries about public indecency.) It hits me. I've been running on flat land in 11 degrees going against the wind. I don't wear underwear. All I have to protect my boys is some Adidas track pants. I try to pee to warm the worm up. It hits me. It fucking hurts. I then proceeded to turn around and run back home, pushing myself harder than I've ever done because I'm genuinely terrified I'm going to lose my penis. Not a very climactic ending (hah, climactic), but its been about 10 mins and I'm starting to get feeling back. The only time my junks hurt this bad was when I cut some ghost peppers and forgot to wash my hands before I peed. This is absolutely miserable, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. This is absolutely a lesson learned, as much as I hate wearing underwear, dealing with slight discomfort is better than almost losing it. TLDR: Went running in 11 degrees f against the wind without underwear, almost froze my shit off. Wear layers people. Don't be me

TIFU by not considering packaging

Hello everyone. Full disclaimer (and not the one you're expecting, e.g. "not actually today... etc"): I've been a long time lurker of this subreddit and have gotten a good deal of enjoyment AND exasperation from the good, the bad, and the ugly that I've seen here. As well as the blatantly fake stuff. This is a true tale of mine own fu, which has actually happened today (and sort of last night). Forgive formatting; I'm on mobile. ANYWAY...on to the story. To set the stage: I am a mid 20s woman. I recently moved into a different living situation, in which I share a mailbox with my elderly female landlord. My landlord and I have been on pretty great terms. We chat every now and then, and she's given me great suggestions and tips for my new neighborhood. She's a very optionated, strong willed and outspoken woman who appears to have a conservative streak. I'm going off what I've seen of her so far. Stage set. Last night I was scrolling on the orange site that has become very popular the past two ish years (I don't want to name drop, but the name begins with "t" and ends with "u", 4 letters). I have a few things in my cart. I'm about to check out. I see .... A DILDO....in my recommended. I say to myself....why not? It's 5 DOLLARS! Why not? It won't arrive for another two weeks, I thought it was cute (no offence to any out there who might take offense to my descriptor), it would be a funny little gift to myself, etc. Guys. I'm a full grown woman. I can buy myself a dildo, right? I put in the order. Fast forward to today. I'm at work, and I get a notif that "part of your order has shipped". I'm like, "cool", and go to check the order. THE ONLY THING THAT HAD SHIPPED WAS THE DILDO. For those of you who are familiar with the site that shall not be named, your items are usually all packaged together in a bag, and taped to make it as small as possible. If u have only one item, it's common that it will show up in it's original, clear package. The huge selling point of the site is that you don't pay shipping, and they basically send it by snail mail. NO DISCREETNESS WHATSOEVER. The mini-panic attack I had at my desk was unreal. My landlord is going to open her mailbox, see a DILDO ADDRESSED TO ME, and set it aside for me to grab when I get back from work. There will be NO mistaking it for something else. It's shiny, it's black, it's veiny, it's very obviously....a DICK. I'm mortified. And I'll be anxiously awaiting the peak mortification of her discovering a dildo in her mailbox while I'm at work for the next TWO WEEKS. FML. I've spent the day picturing what she'll say, and how I'll react. I actually considered cancelling the order. BUT IT ALREADY SHIPPED. There's no way I could get to it before she will. I guess I will just spend the next two weeks slowly dying on mortification. TL;DR I ordered a Dildo and it will arrive in clear package to my SHARED mailbox that my landlord will empty before I get home from work.

TIFU by singing the wrong song to myself

So there I was listening to IGOR an album whose penultimate track is called I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE, and the refrain is yelling I don't love you anymore at a weird pitch. Now I have professional goblin brain (ADHD) and one of the ways I stim is singing to myself, normally I do this at a whisper. Finally I was listening/whispering this song while on a study date with my girlfriend. We were both doing our own work, but then she wanted to asked me a question. I don't hear her and just keep whispering I don't love you anymore at a weird pitch at her direction. She taps me on the shoulder and asks me what the hell I am talking about. This could've been (should have been) a nothingburger, however I for a reason unknown to me look at her and say at normal conversational tone I don't love you anymore, and then immediately go into to the refrain from the next song, "Are we still friends". Within five seconds she looks confused, then angry, then as if she is about to cry, then understands that I was singing, and finally slaps me on the side of my forehead. Oh and for the last 4 hours she has been whisper singing songs about breakups whenever she passes by me, and I'm stuck in apologies for my smothering mode. TL;DR I sang a song about breaking up deadpan to my girlfriend and she is rightfully angry at me

TIFU By not buying tickets to a party

Every year my uni’s study association holds a winter party (basically clubbing). Last year I went, but this year I wasn’t feeling it (for privacy reasons I won’t explain why exactly) - despite my friends all going. It didn’t matter as much to me up until now, since the tickets were sold out anyway. Now a guy I’m interested in asked me if I’m going with the most toecurling, make-me-giggle-embarrassingly flirty message followed after. Here’s the catch, I was never sure if he was just platonically friends with me. AND NOW THIS??? I never signed up to a waiting list this quickly, but I doubt that I will get a ticket when it’s already next week. The one time I decide to just chill. Man. TL;DR I didn’t buy tickets to a sold out party, now the guy I’m interested in asked if I’m going Update: I got a ticket

TIFU by drinking maggots

I had this white chocolate powder that I've had for many months now... But I thought powder doesn't go bad. Or at least that it takes years. So I got a glass of milk, heated it, dropped some powder. Wrong. Powder does go bad. As I was drinking I noticed two curled up things floating in milk. I thought it was just hardened chocolate (given the powder is white, too) but got a spoon to take them out either way. Well well well, by the time I look at it on the spoon, I see the fucking lines across the body and it hits me. They. Were. Maggots. This is the second time I drank that. Last one was a couple of months ago. But then I just drank it and considered it to be hardened powder fucking parts. Oh my fucking god, I drank maggots. I DRANK MAGGOTS. I spit it out. I think I also broke the glass, threw it away. So disgusted to even go look at the powder package to see the expiration date. I am an idiot. TL;DR : The white chocolate milk I made had maggots. I thought they were hardened parts of the powder. I drank maggots.

TIFU by sending my ex a TikTok

So me and my ex broke up and went no contact. This was around 8 months ago. During our relationship he wouldn’t let me consume media if I found the people attractive. For example I couldn’t listen to Harry styles for months. I was once watching a smosh video, I’ve been a fan for years, and he asked if I found Shayne topp attractive. Now obviously, I do. Have you seen the man? But I knew what would happen so I lied. Now I rarely get thirst traps in my fyp. I get edits of the smosh crew a lot but it’s usually just their jokes. I went into my TikTok and saw my most recent dm was to my ex. I panicked and went to see what it was. it was a THIRST TRAP of Shayne topp. Not just him looking cute but a full on thirst trap of him with a wet T-shirt and it panning down ect. I don’t even remember seeing it let alone sending it to my ex. I just can’t imagine my exs face after 8 MONTHS of no contact opening a TikTok from me of a man I swore blindly I did not find attractive. I immediately blocked him and I refuse to face the consequences. All my friends find this absolutely hilarious, especially after seeing the TikTok. So yeah, probably just going to delete the app so that’s. TL;DR sent my ex a thirst trap of some one I said wasn’t attractive after 8 months so contact.

TIFU by accidentally rejecting a guy i really liked

so i'm gonna be real this happened back in like. november but it's bad enough that i have to share it i was on a school trip that was basically a conference with kids from a bunch of other schools in a different state, and there was this guy in my committee room that i thought was cute. so naturally every time he gets up to speak i pretended to be really interested in whatever tf he was saying even though i couldnt really understand what he was waffling about. so anyways i end up building a friendship with him cuz he was really nice and we had a lot in common!!! (i am a metalhead and it is not common that u meet people like that these days) and like we really hit it off and it was GREAT!!! now mind you i am a teenage girl and this was a school trip and on the last night we were there they basically had a dance and everyone would go for shits and giggles but not take it seriously and just go to the afterparties and stuff. him and i joked about pulling up to this dance and being unserious and i actually did end up going and i spent about 20 minutes walking around the ballroom searching for him. finally i give up and decide to go back to my hotel room cuz he was not there.... AND THIS IS WHERE THE CRAZY SHIT STARTS. im walking up the stairs. I TURN THE CORNER. HE IS THERE. and so then we were all like "omg u came???" and then he had to go back upstairs to get his lanyard so they'd let him into the dance (he was wearing pajamas during this. btw). then he comes back down and he actually changed into like. jeans. which i thought was kinda funny but that's irrelevant. we go inside w/ 2 of my other friends and then he says to me like "hey u wanna get some fresh air??" by this point i am genuinely tweaking and screaming and i go outside with him and NOTHING HAPPENS... but like idc i was just happy to be there tbh!! THEN. fast forward a little bit and we split up cuz i went to my room with 3 of my friends but eventually got bored so i texted him saying "where u at" at then he says to meet him outside so outside i go!!! while outside, this man is genuinely flirting with me. like it was real i told a million people about the exact exchange of words and they agree that he was also flirting with me. it was a thing that happened. mutual flirtation was taking place. sadly they made our curfew earlier so we had to split up but he walked me to my room and that was it for the night. the next day, the last day before we left, i go to committee. i make this joke to my friend that "haha every guy i've ever liked is a band kid," when he suddenly turns to me. he says, "i'm not a band kid!" i look this man dead in the eyes. with a straight face, i utter "i don't have a crush on you." the life drains out of his face. suddenly, he starts waffling about how long distance relationships never work and everything sucks and blahhh blahhh i forgot the rest. he acted weird the rest of the trip even tho we were hanging out because of it. we still text daily and every time i message him i remember my screwup. do not be like me!! TL;DR, liked a guy an unreasonable amount and rejected him as some sort of terrible self-preservation technique

TIFU by Starting an Underground Sportsbetting Ring

Okay, so this disaster unfolded recently, and I'm still dealing with the consequences. It all began innocently enough in my junior year of high school. As someone who's always been super into sports, I thought I'd add a bit of excitement to the daily lunch debates about upcoming games NBA and NFL games. The idea was simple. My friends and I would place bets between us on the outcomes of various sports games. This quickly escalated past our available bankroll, so we moved online. Soon, a good chunk of our grade was involved. I became the middleman, collecting cash and placing bets online. Now, you're supposed to be 21 to place sports bets, but I was able to get around this by using my older brother's Stake account. The bets started small, like $10 or $20, but as the word spread, the amounts grew. A senior bet $200 on the Pistons game, confident about them breaking their 20+ game losing streak. When they lost, he went crazy. I pocketed around $10 from that bet alone, thanks to my 5% cut. Each day, I was handling more and more money, sometimes totaling over $500 in bets. My cut meant I was making about $25 to $50 daily, which felt like a fortune at the time. Everything seemed just perfect until it wasn't. There was a major football game that many had high hopes for. The stakes were through the roof, with one of the largest pots I'd ever seen at around $800 in total bets. The underdog pulled off an unexpected win, leading to a huge upset. Most bettors lost big, and the mood shifted from excitement to anger and disappointment. That's when the whole operation crumbled. Word got out to the school administration about what was happening. I guess someone couldn't handle their loss and ratted me out. I was called into the principal's office, and the scene was straight out of a teenage movie angry parents, angry faced administrators, and a very disappointed counselor for some reason. I tried to explain, but as my school is catholic, the severity of the situation hit me hard. I was suspended immediately, pending a full investigation. My parents were livid when they found out, especially about using my brother's account for betting. They had no idea about the extent of my involvement in this and were deeply concerned about the legal implications. The school went bezerk, banning any mention of professional sports and initiating talks about the dangers of gambling. My reputation took a nosedive - from the sports enthusiast to the kid who got caught running an illegal betting ring. The friends I thought I had quickly distanced themselves, and people tried to demand their money back. Writing this, I realize how naive I was, thinking I could get away with something like this. The money I made, which seemed so significant at the time, wasn't worth the fallout. Now, I'm facing not just the consequences at school but also being grounded at home and losing all of my devices and the money I made. It sucks but I get it. TLDR I got busted for running a sports betting operation in my high school, using my brother's online betting account. I handled large amounts of cash, took a cut from each bet, but it all came crashing down, leading to suspension, loss of trust, and a ruined reputation.

TIFU by Blowing My Student Loan on Rent in the UK

Hey r/tifu, So today, I majorly screwed up. I’m a 24-year-old student from India, studying in the UK. I had this £25,000 student loan for my Master’s program, right? Well, I managed to burn through a chunk of it – about £8,000 – that was meant for my tuition, on rent and other stuff. Classic me. Now, I’m stuck. My university account is frozen, no degree, no graduation ceremony. And the icing on this disaster cake? My visa is about to expire in 15 days, and I can’t renew it without clearing my dues. I haven’t even told my family back in India about this mess. They’re not exactly rolling in dough, and here I am, unable to face them about needing more money. So here I am, lying awake at night, wondering how I managed to mess up this bad. Anxiety, brain fog, you name it. TL;DR: I’m an international student who used tuition money for living expenses, now facing a frozen university account and visa woes. Classic TIFU.

TIFU helping an employee get to rehab and afraid I might lose my job

Using a throwaway This happened today Not necessarily looking for anybody to reassure me what’s gonna happen or help me figure out what’s gonna happen not looking for somebody to tell me that I did the right thing I know I did the right thing I just needed a place to vent Please excuse formatting I am on mobile. I have an employee that we thought might have a drinking problem. He was suspended pending an investigation. Today he came into my office, and he was visibly intoxicated. I sat him down to have a conversation with him about this. During that conversation, he told me that he needed help he wanted to get help. I said to him at that time if you want help you have two choices right now you can go home and wait to hear what the company says and try to get help on your own or you can get in my car right now and I can take you to rehab. He told me he wanted to go to rehab right now so we got in my car and I took him to rehab during the drive he explained to me that he was feeling depressed I got him to rehab he went in and now that’s where he is. Someone at work, informed my boss what was happening. I was asked to document what happened and sent to HR which I have done Now hr wants to have a call tomorrow TL;DR help somebody into rehab, afraid I might lose my job having a call with HR * update 1 First off thank you all for the kind words I know at the end of the day I did do the right thing I don’t want to lose my job, but if it’s gonna cost me my job then like I said, in the comments it’s not a company I wanna work for To answer a few questions that were opposed in this post I live in Canada Ontario specifically and we are a one party consent. That being said I probably will not record the HR call. My boss called me today and told me that yes I did the right thing and they don’t think anything bad‘s gonna happen and she said she’s going to fight for me if anything does, but she cannot see it happening For those asking, I will update after the call On another note, he did stay in the rehab overnight. So that’s a huge win in my books But at the end of the day, if he gets sober, it’s not because of me and if he drinks again, it’s not because of me Update 2 Just finished the call with HR My companies drug and alcohol policy actually states “when there is a reason to believe an employee is not fit for duty for reasons believe to be related to the consumption or use of alcohol and drugs. the employee shall not be permitted to engage in company business. steps will be taken to have the employee taken to a safe location, and not returned to business until deemed fit so I followed policy. So I took him to a safe location I am not in any trouble at all. And the even better news is that the company will support him to the “point of undue hardship “. So he is allowed to come back to work provided that he completes rehab and does not consume drugs or alcohol(he will be tested before each shift) To answer some comments. There is no cost to anyone as we are in Canada Thanks to everyone who came along this ride with me

TIFU by getting into a skiing collision

This happened 2 days ago, hoping typing it out will help process it. For context Iv had my fair share of concussions while riding so Iv been doing my best to keep my head safe i.e riding park less, only doing tricks I know I can do, and wearing a new MIPS protected helmet at all times. My previous concussion which happened almost a year ago took 7 months and some physical therapy to get me feeling normal again. Here’s the FU, I was free riding and a skier hit me super hard from behind, and I hit my head on the ground so fast my brain couldn’t even process the motion. I’m still not sure what happened. After sitting for a while and realizing nothing was broken the other guy left and i just went into the lodge to grab some water before riding down the rest of the way. Yep, no ski patrol, no documentation, no punishment for the other guy. I’m having a difficult time at work now with no proof of what happened. So yep, that’s my FU. TLDR: Got absolutely rocked by another skier and have no proof of the collision.

TIFU by not realizing how bad a known allergy was

This FU happened last night but it was a big fuck up. For some background I am allergic to cinnamon, not a huge deal normally, easy enough to avoid, (holidays are a different animal). I’ve always been on high alert with cinnamon because it causes severe hives, and any time I have accidentally eaten it my lips, throat and tongue tingle. Ok so last night my husband wanted to go to Texas Roadhouse, we just had one open in our town. I knew they had cinnamon butter, I was aware I might be uncomfortable, or have a minor reaction. We I got there I was surprised it didn’t have a cinnamon smell. The smell can cause a mild reaction, but all seemed fine. About mid dinner I’m feeling a little hot and a little itchy, after dinner I start to feel off. My lips feel swollen, my face is hot and covered hives, and my breathing is a little harder. Before we get off the highway I am in a bad state . We ended up taking me straight to a stand alone ER. They refuse to see me without an id, husband wants them to start treatment and him run and grab my id from home. They refuse so we drive to a different ER. By the time I get to the new er my blood pressure bottomed out, my face is now swollen to roughly the size of a standard beach ball. I’m only taking short shallow breaths I get taken back immediately, they had to give me epinephrine and then observe me for a few hours. I am fine now, didn’t sleep well and honestly I was terrified I would stop breathing in my sleep, but I am alive. Now I get to carry an epipen with me so I don’t die from a stupid spice. TL;DR went to a restaurant last night not thinking my allergy would cause any serious problems; ended up in the ER with anaphylaxis. Good news was dinner was delicious Edit I didn’t eat the cinnamon I was in the room the cinnamon was in. This literally has never happened, even when I have unknowingly ingested cinnamon, it has never caused swelling or breathing problems. Hives, and tingling mouth. Update; honestly thank you all for the education you have provided me. I have a referral to an Allergist, and have picked up my EpiPen. I hope my fuck up stops someone else from fucking up. And I have reported the ER and they said they would follow up with me. I hope the ER doesn’t ever do this again

TIFU. Today i was on a call getting nasty with my LDR boyfriend without knowing my brother was home.

So basically I was on my phone talking to my bf and i didn’t realize my brother was home already. Things got hot and we decided to do the thing on the call which means I was moaning OUT LOUD. after 30 minutes i left my room and found out my brother’s in his room. I fucked up so bad. I’m a 20 years old girl and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for few months now. We’ve always been long distance but he flies to see me once or twice a year until I get to him. (He did once last month) I feel so ashamed and embarrassed in front of my brother and I can’t even leave my room. I feel like burying myself outside just to not see my brothers face ever again. Thinking of what could he be thinking about me is killing me right now. And he even might have his gf with him in that room. It’s a really big issue for me because he’s the opposite gender of me and thinking about that makes my skin crawl not gonna lie TwT It would have been okay if he was my sister, but him being a grown ass man is not okay. Can anybody tell me what to do now? Because only thing that comes to my mind right now is what if I was him and he was doing that shit in his room loud as fuck like I was. TL;DR: I was on a call with my long distance boyfriend and things were getting hot and intimate. Little did I know that my older brother was at home and heard everything loud and clear. I just want some gouda advice because I got zero idea of what to do now.

TIFU by Eating TacoBell Cinnabon Delights in a Dark Car

For context, I (21F) am a community college transfer student who just started her first quarter at a four-year university and am living in the dorms. While studying to get my degree during the day, I am also part of the musical the theatre department is doing this quarter. So with classes in the morning and rehearsals from 6-10pm every night, I’m not there very often and when I am, I usually am coming in after quiet hours. So, the other night after rehearsal, one of my friends offered to give me a ride back to my dorm building on the other side of campus. Of course, I said yes because it was a long & cold walk back. My friend was also hungry though and asked if I wanted to go to TacoBell with them and I said yes to that too! Since I had already had dinner, I didn’t want Tacos, but I wanted something sweet. So I got a twelve pack of the Cinnabon delights. They’re Little cinnamon rolls bites with a white & gushy Cream Cheese Frosting center. (This will be important for later.) So we sat in the dark in their car in front of my building for a bit while we ate and then I went inside. I grabbed my pajamas and toiletries from my room and immediately went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. As I was standing in the mirror combing my hair, I noticed that a lot of the other girls in the bathroom were looking at me weirdly and giving me major side-eye and I didn’t understand why. That was until I took a much closer look at my hair. There were little splotches of creamy, white liquid in different parts of my hair! And while I knew that it was the inside of the Cinnabon bites I was eating, the other girls clearly thought I had cum in my hair! And it didn’t help that I wasn’t around that much, always came in late and was dropped off in someone else’s car. I quickly finished getting ready and went back to my dorm embarrassed, but also laughing at the whole situation. TL;DR: A combination of funny circumstances led to the girls on my floor thinking I’m a whore, when really I’m just a theatre girly out late rehearsing for a musical! (And who apparently can’t eat anything without spilling! Lol!)

TIFU by wearing my pajamas to the shops

TIFU when I decided I was too lazy to change clothes before going to get super glue. I wore my pajamas which consists of an oversized MCR t-shirt that has a few rips and holes thanks to my dog, it’s long enough that is covers my pajama shorts, and also a pair of thongs which kept breaking so that’s why I was buying the superglue. My natural hair is very long and fairly curly and, cause I’d been swimming in the pool the day before, was an absolute birds nest. After I had bought super glue, I was sitting outside the store on the ground using them to fix my thongs. I’m pretty shy but tend to talk a lot to myself and self narrate which gets stares but today a woman approached me and handed me $10. I was shocked and confused but didn’t know what to say, and she just kept walking. After letting my thongs dry I walked to my car, to which the same woman approached me and demanded her money back, which, of course, I did. She then scolded me for pretending to be homeless which prompted me to explain that I wasn’t pretending, these are just my pajamas and i just look like this and I genuinely didn’t understand why she gave me the money in the first place. She got very flustered and said she would report me to the police, so I profusely apologised for the misunderstanding and just booked it. I’ve already started working on fixing the t-shirt and decided to never go out wearing these pajamas again. TL:DR went to buy superglue looking like a wreck and a woman thought i was homeless and gave me money but demanded it back and threatened to call the police on me when she realised I wasn’t

TIFU. I found out that your phone may not be dead

So today I found out I f'd up. Yesterday I was on a remote metting with bosses. I was on my work phone because I was traveling from a job and couldn't get to the office. Boss asked me to get my laptop on asap. I drove to my destination and thought I was on mute as I arrived. I start setting up the laptop, and am listening via Bluetooth earpiece. As I set my phone down it dies. Now I've had a sudden battery death from that phone at more than 5% (at 5% it dims so badly my old eyes can't see it), it doesn't always fully charge, and occasionally slow to charge. So, as my phone dies the screen turns the provider logo color I yell "Fuck my phone died," to an empty room and what I thought was a dead phone. I was wrong. I turn my laptop on, login and the conference room is empty (they forgot to leave the meeting as they walked out of the room). So today I have an in person meeting with my direct supervisor, and I explained that my phone died... and before I can say I tried to login via laptop he says "yeah, we all heard you yell 'Fuck, my phone died' a minute before your icon dropped off the meeting" and didmissed it. No harm, as they all laughed. But a lesson learned is... IF your phone dies on a call, it may still be connected while the screen has any light. First time poster, done via mobile (you know the drill) TL;DR I cursed when my phone died while on a conference call, the call was still active.

TIFU by taking an edible

EDIT: I found out they were 18mg each gummy I fully said to myself before taking the gummy, “it can’t kill me”. I’m very inexperienced when it comes to weed, I’ve gabbled with zoots a few times when I was younger and full of life, but never edibles because I’ve heard so many tragic stories. Anyway I ordered some from a recommended source, next day delivery, awesome. I get home from work open the package and am pleasantly happy with the contents. 5 gummies and hot choco mix. EDIT: I only had one gummy, one was good for a beginner apparently lol My first mistake was I still lived at home with my parents who are very much anti drugs. Second mistake was telling myself I’ll be fine on an empty stomach. It’s about 5pm and I decide to have a gummy, I get in the bath, chill out and watch some YT. Within half an hour I start feeling weird, I haven’t had much experience so I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. 10 minutes later, I’m like “fuck” I’ve got dinner downstairs with the parents in an hour, I start panicking, my heart rate is racing, I can feel the blood pressure in my neck about to explode, the room is all over the place, I’m hot/cold, I’m staring into the abyss, every few seconds pressing my fingers to my neck to make sure I’m still alive, “did I take meth???” I honestly feel like I’m dying. I still have dinner with my parents very soon I’m now full panic mode, what happens if they know I’m high, do they already know, are they watching me right now as I hide in the bathroom My brain is in overdrive so I decide I have to come up with a plan in order to be excused from the dinner table without any communication with them My first thought was just get dressed and go for a walk, without telling them and wait for this high to end. I didn’t do that It’s getting close, I’m on Google searching “how to get unhigh”, “stop high quick”, it just comes up with previous reddit posts of people fucking up eating edibles. Am I touching my chest too much?? What happens if I move my foot weirdly, what happens if they speak to me. I decide to turn the lights off in my room, omg the struggle of walking and then in the dark omfg. It’s half 7, my mouth is dry af, I hear a shout coming from the stairs saying “dinners ready”, I let out a mighty “okay maybe later” I had mentioned earlier I was very much looking forward to fajitas… Luckily the response was “okay” I’m now there, still pranging, forcing myself to sleep to get out of this 2 hour nightmare not knowing when it will end. I pass out and sleep for 15 hours 5/10 experience, might or might not do it again TL;DR Had a gummy, thought I was dying, couldn’t face the parents at the dinner table, pure panic