Datasets:

Kanakmi

/

mental-disorders

like 9

Since I was a child I've always had pretty explosive anger issues where I throw things, shout at people etc. pretty standard in kids but I'm 20 now and trying to work on myself and it's getting tedious. I can hide it in front of people I dont know well but with friends, partners and family I hqve no control. the reason I'm bringing this up is because I've been trying really hard recently to look after myself and I'm seeing some progress in other areas like productivity, self care and general emotional wellbeing. but I feel like I will never be able to stop snapping at people and feeling rage that subsequently makes me feel so guilty I relapse into self hating thoughts etc. I know this makes me a bad person. I'm lucky that despite this I have a loving boyfriend but I feel so guilty that he sticks around while I basically verbally abuse him. I really want to improve my relationship but find it impossible as long as I'm like this. I've tried the standard count to 10 thing, distract urself etc but whenever anger strikes I just feel like a different person. does anyone have any success stories of stopping these kind of outbursts? I just want to be a better person.

if i see someone in a group of people do or say something that i would consider embarrassing if i did it i fear that they are going to be judged and rejected by the other people. i know that maybe other people didn’t think anything of it, but if i feel what they did was weird i assume other people did to and are being more ruthless in their judgement. it’s a weird feeling, basically i’m just assuming i can read other people’s thoughts and that they’re all evil with no compassion. and i know how hypocritical it is that i’m worried others will judge them because I’M judging them. does anyone else feel this way? it’s almost as if i had done the thing and it makes me cringe just the same, and i worry for them but really i’m worried about “what if that had been me?”

Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like suicide is never the option but it’s always in the back of my mind idk why. I need to go to therapy though. I set up an appointment, I need to figure out why I throw up all the time. I can’t even go out to places with my friends and eat because of it

Not sure why i am posting this really. Male 24 yo. Had a binging habit on stims that I was sober from for a while and recently had a really really bad relapse and am dealing with severe depression and anxiety post relapse. Suicidal thoughts etc. I've never seen a psychiatrist but I'm motivated to maybe look into medication therapy as well since I've seen therapists all my life with little help or improvement in mental issues. Had to come clean to my parents about my 2 year long addiction and this issue is clearly effecting my gf too. Fuck this shit. How do I get out of this rabbit hole. Even without drugs sober life sucks and is depressing as hell with a myriad of problems. I just want to be normal.

I’m a 15 year old boy and have a lot to learn but how I feel rn it’s so hard to describe. I live with my mum,dad and little sister my mum has been very angry and hostile to me and every time something happens at school I get blamed for a lot we’ll in my class but I don’t know why I’m the quiet kid the loner. When I space out and just try to do my work if someone was being naughty they will always blame it on me. My mum always finds out and I get well punished and my dad is always a bit harsh on me plus my sister always pisses me off the only thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings is my music were I can relate to what someone is saying in the song but it’s just been super hard to feel happy for once in my life again i always end up in tears when im alone and I hide my emotions when im with or near someone else. It’s just hard to be happy rn

I have a pretty good judgement of people and situations and feel confident in my body and in who Iam. But when I'm anxious, it all goes down the drain. Things I would have a clear perception of, ideas that usually comes to my mind, my confidence in myself and my abilities everything blurs and mixes together and often feels like my life is slipping down from in between my fingers. I live in high alert and on autopilot. I hate feeling like this. Can anyone relate?

I am struggling to write this. I don’t know if I should say that I “have” or that I “had” a friend. He was/is everything to me. But he has gone silent again. And I’m thinking: This is it, this time he’s not coming back. Or maybe he’s deliberately ignoring me, because I word vomited all over him, I sent him walls of text this morning. And he hasn’t responded. He’s been doing this more and more. I feel like he’s been distancing himself, and it hurts so much. I thought I was doing better, but this kind of thing just sets me back to square one. I can’t do this anymore. I need to leave him alone and not bother him anymore.

Title says it all. I am writing this because I am having a while of composure. I am drifting into this fog like state where I am in "view only mode" and sitting/walking around like a zoombie. I can nearly remember anything except what I can read what I have written somewhere. I am scared to look into memory, i am finding it hard to keep memory of who I am. Where I am. why I am. am I going to be lost? am I losing my mind and forgetting my existence? I have distanced my self from few people I know because they got scared of me. I am at my own and don't want to go to shrink because they will put me in closed ward which I don't want. I can't cry, can't laugh, not hungry, not sad, can't feel nothing. Will cutting my self help it? I have been clean since a year but with this thing going on.. i have extreme urge of cutting or burning my self. Can anyone tell is there anyway to snap out of this numb, dark, existence less, alien fog like state. Or how long it will last... its already been so many days. I cant even remember.

*I know everyone is just going to say go to a doctor and I get it. I am. I just need help and I am scared and have isolated myself from everyone. If you can please be kind that would be amazing and i would be so thankful because I am stressed and scared.* panic attack with hallucination The past few months i’ve had sleep deprivation due to having a baby and with that comes stress and anxiety. I also suffer from and was diagnosed with severe anxiety and severe depression. I’ve had 4 panic attacks , 1 had weed involved and the other 1 were the days after and the other 2 happened after a stressful days. I’m not sure if I am developing some type of psychotic depression or what but I am feeling really scared. Everyday I get scared that I will have a panic attack again and start hallucinating. I feel like my whole life has been changed by these moments. When the hallucinations start, I see a demon. It is a white face with a big smile and either white or black eyes and it makes me look into its eyes. It wants to possess me I think. When this has happened I was so freaked out that my body went into complete shock and I literally couldn’t move and was trembling with fear. I do not touch weed or alcohol anymore or any drugs. I am scared though. If I think about the face I get scared and sometimes it can trigger a panic attack and the hallucinations start. I have always felt like a spiritual person and have been able to sense things others couldn’t. However now I feel like maybe that was all in my head. I don’t know. I feel like my whole life is a lie and I am scared. Anyone else relate ? *Please don’t comment anything about therapy, I have an appointment set. I just wanted to know if anyone else has ever had anything happen like this, but thank you for your wisdom*

My Psychiatrist Suspects OCD In Me But I Couldn't Quite Feel Home With The Diagnosis Until Recently. What I've Been Observing Is That I'm Very Scared To Be Alone With My Thoughts And I Go To Lengths To Avoid That. Now I'm So Scared Of Thinking Alone That I've Lost The Capability To Think Of Myself, My Consciousness And My Thoughts Consciously. I Know It Sounds Complex , That's Why It Took Me Years To Understand This. But This Is Affecting My Life Drastically. For Instance, Because I Don't Let Myself Be Alone With My Thoughts, I'm Missing Out Majorly On Self Improvement And Self Growth And Am Actually Having A Decline Instead. This Is Affecting My Relationships With People Around Me, Leading It To Become Kinda Toxic. And That's Really Concerning. So Now That I'm Aware Of This Thing Happening... I Want To Do Something To Stop It. I Want To Be Able To Stop And Think Without Feeling Anxious. I Don't Want To Constantly Chase Distractions In Form Of Reading, Watching TV, Music, Talking To People, Sleeping, Studying, Working Etc. Etc. Yes, I'm Literally Overdoing All Of That Just To Not Be Alone With My Thoughts. Just To NOT THINK. And This Is So Not Healthy. I'm Really Concerned. So Has Any Of You Felt Similar? If Yes, How Are You Dealing With It? Also, Is "Not Thinking" An Obsession To Which "Seeking Constant Distraction" A Compulsion? If Yes, What Type Of OCD Is It? Does Anyone Have Any Insight On This Which Might Help Me Deal With It On My Own Or With Help Of A Therapist Or Anything? I'd Really Appreciate It If You Can Comment Down Below And Help Me Out. Thank You For Your Time.

firstly i wanna disclose that when i say the term ‘multiple personality(s)’ here, i’m NOT referring to the outdated term for DID (dissociative identity disorder). i am using it in its most literal sense; personality, plural. its important to note that with DID, a host does not have ‘multiple personalities’ but is instead a host to several individuals in one body, hence the retired label. in this post my meanings will be: an individual = an entire person, a personality = traits (such as intro/extroverted) so i’m very aware of BPD identity issues, but what i’m talking about is a very specific feeling of having more than one personality at once. i could describe it as a back-and-forth, but its not quite mood swings or anything of the sort. plus, the personalities are usually active at the same time, fighting for dominance. to give you an example, i am both a pessimist and an optimist at the same time. i am also dually empathetic and apathetic, patient and impatient, affectionate and withdrawn. sure, i can fall to either extreme, but generally i am multiple traits at once. this makes personality tests incredibly difficult to take because i am often both sides of everything — not in the middle of two things, but two things overlayed on top of each other. in addition to that, i’m also flip-flopping between other traits while several others blend together in the background; its very, very confusing. i really don’t know how to put it into words. if this doesn’t make any sense, i’ll make another attempt to write this when i’m not so tired. TLDR; i feel like several personalities overlayed on top of each other and its a very confusing experience. my identity is very fickle and always fluctuating as a result. it is not mood swings, and it is not DID. whats happening??

wake up, breakfast, entertainment, lunch, masturbation, nap, dinner, entertainment, sleep repeat cigarettes, prozac boredom and loneliness nostalgia and grief don't want to grow up lost faith lost will i wish to not be crying does not help eyes are sore now worthless self will to disappear

That's it. I'm used to high flying and deep dives but the last two years I've been more 'stable' which means I've been slowly waving between mid low with short bursts of mid mixed and it's killing me. Two weeks in the psych ward is easier to recover from than 9 months of half hearted miserable angry bs.

Hey Everyone, hopefully posting here to have some insight about a situation of mine and my BPD friend. For background, I'm diagnosed as a high functioning Autist and have been going through therapy for the past few years. My communication skills have improved and I've managed to even have a relationship last. My BPD friend and I met the course of around a year and a half ago. We both shared a love for a hobby and bonded immediately. We spoke everyday for awhile and both confessed we had feelings for each other but decided back then not to go forward with it due to us agreeing it would've been a toxic relationship. Few months down the line, I suggested a FWB situation which I won't go into detail with. It quickly turned into them being dependent on me which I didn't mind initially at all, even if I originally thought it was suppose to be something casual and fun. It was going great for awhile, until the day of something where she got triggered by me not responding correctly to something she was feeling extremely hurt about ( a past trauma, a death of a family member ). When she initiated conversation, I responded with "Hey, It's gonna be alright" and they replied "Thank you" to which I thought the conversation would be over. It blew up later in my face saying how I didn't care, I tried to de-escalate the situation by saying how I didn't know but I certainly was angry enough and said ( in the worse way possible ) something akin to "You shouldn't have high expectations of me". I ended the FWB relationship there and they were extremely hurt. The next day, they contacted me again to speak and I brushed everything under the rug because I didn't want to make things awkward. They asked me if there were second chances to try again and I said "Rarely, but we'd have to see". I never closed the door to that option and we continued to talk everyday. Even if they said some bad things about me, that doesn't define them as a person and I've never looked at my friend as someone who I needed to treat without respect just because of their disorder. At some point, I did ask them few months after this incident if they still had feelings for me and they said "yes". That was when the notion of me wanting to reconnect and think upon my own feelings happened. But I think just a really bad turn of events might've ruined it. There was a night where we were writing out little tidbits of a story ( writing is a hobby of ours ) and I responded in a way that overwhelmed them. They said to give it a few days and they never did respond. They were still happily chatting with me on a daily basis, but not responding to our story being written. I grew annoyed and asked why, she responded saying it was too much, and I got even angrier because I wanted more communication if she felt that way so I can adjust my own writing. I then flung some really dumb shit I said to them ( accusing of them ignoring me, saying how this isn't how a friendship works ) which I apologized for being so emotional the next morning. they accepted the apology and also agreed they got pretty emotional. As you can see, I'm not a perfect person. Fast forward a week and I tell them I'm ready to begin a relationship again. We were still talking in a daily basis, but they said they don't know if they want to anymore because of the argument from the previous week. It left me with alot of confusion. They still used cute pet names with me, and told me they loved me. This is also the time alot of people have left their work place and so now they're stressed with work due to having no days off and being constantly exhausted. I panicked and thought this was their way of drifting and thought I should try to be better by communicating how I felt. I told them so, and they responded with they have no energy to initiate or start conversations due to their work. I know how hard that must me, so I asked them if they could just give me a check-in to how they're feeling even if its just to say they don't want to talk because I know its hard to be alone. They live by themselves and work a place they told me is a dead-end job and barely enough to pay the bills. They said they'll try, but I clearly pushed too quick and too hard. I threatened a couple of times I would leave the friendship if nothing changes. Realized now that was pretty stupid of me to say. From here there was a night where I was pretty damn tired but I still wanted to talk; my replies apparently were so short and curt that they felt like they shouldn't speak and didn't talk to me. When confronted and asked why they didn't tell me, i could've just told them ( and i honestly forgot ) I was falling asleep over and over, it was because they thought I would get mad. And they apologized for thinking that way, being that way, apologies for thinking different and making me angry. I wasn't angry...I was just confused, on why it couldn't have been told with me. Later down the line they accused me things when we got into another argument the things I tried to plan with them with my group of friends ( wanted to introduce them to more people and they agreed ), saying things how like they felt forced to be there, even when I asked them all the time if this is what they wanted. How me suggesting certain things felt like they had to behave this way or else I would leave them(fair), and how they were scolded for being so dependent on me but now that I'm dependent on them (I'm not), they will get reprimanded for asking to not speak everyday. I apologized for the things I said, the things I don't even remember saying, and told them I would give them space. Few days later, I tried to talk to them again about the situation of them saying some things I found hurtful during that last argument thinking we could make-up. They instead rebounded and told me all of the things I did ( hanging out with me, thinking it would be cool if we could write more, etc ) was a demand for attention and that they were exhausted. Again, I apologized. They brought up their past trauma for the way I ended the relationship. I told them if they wanted to talk about it and they did. I tried to tell them that I loved them and that everything I tried to do was to get them to be more open. I asked them for better communication because I'm not a mind reader and my mind goes to places if I'm being explicit in my feelings and I can't predict how they're feeling, especially if it's how I type. I tried to tell them that my feelings for them haven't changed and that I still love them as a person and of course, I want to try things romantically because I believe with better communication we could have something together. I care for them alot, have paid for their bills during hard times, and I don't really think to myself of the nasty things they've said to me before because I know I can't judge a character by only their bad sides. I guess I'm still confused, because they told me now there was no chance of a romantic relationship happening because of the past and how "I" was. But they still want to be friends, to have the intimacy without the romance. I don't know if I felt okay with that now since my feelings have changed and I've had the desire to speak with them everyday while their work and exhaustion has made it to the point where they don't talk to anyone. Since then, I've kept a low profile and just kept my distance. They really haven't initiated conversation either so I don't want to bother them except for today when I just asked for a little favor regarding a discord server. I asked them how they're doing and they said they don't feel good, but I didn't know whether they want to speak about it so I told them I'd leave them alone so I don't get on their bad side again. Told them I love them and they love me too. For a side note, They have other people that are close friends, I have other people who are close friends, we are both individuals who live our own lives. I just care for this friend alot, and even if not as a romantic interest, I don't want to lose a friendship over a rough period. I think me pushing them to speak about their problems ( and asking for everyday interactions because I fear one day they're just going to kneel over due to how much they work ) has exacerbated them to not want to speak to me. We are both long distance, and I cannot visit them to help me as much I want to. That probably spiked my anxiety alot which is why I asked for messages everyday. I know its my fault I pushed them too hard, I know it's their fault because they misinterpreted some things I said as an attack on them when I didn't really mean it. I still love them now, and want to be with them as a lover. But I know I can't push those feelings onto someone. So I'm asking if I should give them space, talk it out some more, or end this friendship? I've never held BPD over their head or use it as an excuse to end something, I just want to be more understanding and patient since I've never had a friend who has had BPD, and I realize my way of communicating with my other friends is not working out for us.

Hello everyone, This is the first and possibly only post I am going to make on this thread. I need a place where I can get anonymous/objective help or advice or even just to have someone understand. I'll jump right into it. I've been depressed since about the age of 10. My father was very verbally abusive, cold, and distant more often than not. He would lash out on my mother, my sister, and I pretty much daily without much thought as to how his words would effect (affect?) us. My sister turned pretty cold as a defense mechanism and in turn took a lot of it out on me. So it was like two of my dad almost 24/7. My mother would take up for my sister more than me (somewhat understandably as my sister was her first-born) and I ended up feeling very alone in my house. I knew I was loved, but I never really felt liked. The love felt like something born out of necessity rather than a genuine interest in me. Don't get me wrong I had a great childhood. I had clothes on my back, plenty of food in my belly (too much actually. I was a pretty chunky kid; more on that later), and did plenty of fun things. But I felt alone and empty and scared through a lot of it. I had panic attacks pretty much daily but didn't know what they were until I was older. As I said I was very chunky for a while and a pretty big nerd at heart. My parents didn't put me in sports when I wanted to play when I was younger so my interest faded over time and when I grew into adolescence I became something I thought my father loathed. I couldn't get over the thought that maybe my dad would love me more if I was the cool, popular athletic kid. But I wasn't. I felt a need to be perfect at everything as I felt I had to earn my worth and love. Long story short, this has carried into the rest of my years and even now, at 20 years old, with a strong interest in weightlifting and a body most dudes my age would enjoy having, I still feel empty, worthless, and like a general nuisance that people agree to tolerate. During my freshman year of highschool when I was 15 years old, my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer. Her platelets will reach the millions at times (normal is 150,000-400,000). She's declined rapidly. She was always a fun-loving, out-doorsy, amusement-park-junkie, full-of-life woman who left light in every room she was in. Now she spends most of her time in bed or puking in the bathroom where she will talk of her bones aching. She hardly eats and the chemo has ravaged her brain - leaving her with the maturity of what seems to be a 12 year old. She is a completely different person than the woman who raised me. I miss her everyday even though she's just in the room next to me. Last year I got into a relationship with a girl who ravaged my perception of love. I ignored every red flag in hopes that the girl I thought was deep in there would finally be able to free herself from her facade (or what I thought was one). I was no angel and I certainly have my flaws. She's not a bad person, she just was not right for me. The relationship destroyed my self worth more than I thought it would. We broke up about 7 months ago and I have ached ever since trying to move on. In August of last year, I started an accelerated nursing program at a 2-year college in my area. This proved to be more daunting than I thought it would be. I'm fairly smart, maybe slightly above average, but the workload has left me with little time to do what I'd like. Around this time, my mother also became too sick to work. Our two-income, average middle class household had the money cut in half. It has been a struggle ever since. And a situation I did not think I'd find myself in. I also started an internship at a hospital that agreed to pay my tuition. I jumped into the deep end academically and career wise. It was a big change from the stoner, pizza shop life I was used to throughout highschool. I often feel imposter syndrome when I think about my peers. Within the last year, my life has done a complete 180. My dog died, my aunt died, my mother's health declined rapidly, her mental health went down the toilet, I got a new job, I had my heart broken, I still feel distant from my father in an odd way (even though our relationship has improved), my mother suffered a stroke, and I've come to the realization that the few members of my extended family that I DO have are next to worthless. It has been tough to go on lately. I've pulled countless all-nighters to make sure I'd make it to tests, clinicals, and other events on time as I can't lose this opportunity in school. I need the money. Everyday is a struggle to keep moving forward. I feel very little passion for things anymore, most of my close friends moved away when college started a couple years ago, and I am still dealing with all of my own self-worth and depression. My own mental health is gone. I feel detached in every sense of the word and I feel a constant state of dread follow me everywhere I go. I never feel like I'm doing right or doing enough. I end everyday pining over what I must have done wrong, how I must have seemed like a creep, or how I could have done better. I don't want to kill myself. I just want to disappear. I have plan if I ever were to end it, though. And lately the urge gets stronger and stronger. It just seems more reasonable. I am broke. I can't afford a therapist. Some days I can't even afford lunch. I am extremely sad and I just want things to get better. I am hanging on by a thread in everything - school, dating, and work all seem daunting. I'm scared. I'm alone. I just need help. I've read stoicism. I look to role-models, be it fiction or non-fiction to keep me going. I want to go the distance like Rocky did. I want to be the man my family and friends can depend on in tough times. I want to be able to fix things and do what's right - not because it's easy, but because it is right. I've pushed, and pushed, and pushed. But I feel I am at my wits end and don't know how much I have left in the tank. I don't know how much longer I can wear this fake smile and keep going. I want to be a good man. I want to be a strong man. It is just extremely exhausting.

I know this has probably been spoken about at length over the last few days by many people (including others from the UK) but over the last week all of the news about Russia has sent my anxiety spiking through the roof for the first time in years (I had terrible anxiety and depression as a result of depersonalisation disorder around 2015-16 but over time managed to calm it through antidepressants and mindfulness, neither of which are working now). I know the likelihood of a full-scale world war or nuclear Armageddon is slim but the fact there’s even a chance and we’re only a few dominos falling in a particular order from it right now has me terrified and shaking constantly. My family and friends keep telling me to avoid the news and places like r/worldnews but I feel unable to bury my head in the sand knowing these things will carry on happening whether I’m reading about it or not and I fear what I’ll miss if i stop. Today reading about Putin personally overseeing ‘massive’ military drills and assessing how ready their nuclear weapons are has sent my anxiety to new heights. Again, I know that it’s more than likely not going to escalate to Armageddon levels but I feel like no matter how I try to distract myself I can’t stop freaking out and worrying about myself, my friends and my family (in particular my young niece and baby nephew).

I've had bronchitis (the dr seriously thought I had pneumonia, or the flu, or whooping cough) and then allergies kicked in. I live with my boyfriend who was sick too and started a new job, so we have been slacking. Does anyone else feel like they let things go to such a severe extent that they dont care one minute, but then care another? I was so busy cleaning that I didn't notice a cut on my foot. I just want my place fucking presentable. But normally I dont care about mess. WTF?

Hey everyone! I was looking on another BPD subreddit when I came across a disgusting post by PeteyBabii. He mentioned finding joy in abusing BPD people and when I private messaged him he was actively trying to be abusive and rope me in. Please stay away from this man he prays on BPD folk thank you. Also please educate yourself on red flags and abuse as well as falling in love online

As a newly diagnosed person with BPD (although I always knew something was up), I am now beginning to wonder if this is the reason I am so bad at making and maintaining friendships with other females. I'm a 21 year old college student, and while I really do wish I had a lot of girl friends, I'm starting to realize I have none. I do have a couple of very close girl friends from my hometown, although since we all went to different schools, communication has significantly declined and I haven't "caught up" with them in almost a year. I do consider myself to be a pretty friendly person... I don't believe I give off any strange vibes, and I don't have such a hard time making platonic male friends. But for some reason, no girl I have met at my university has become close to me. I've made some acquaintances, but no one I can really even "gossip" to or just laugh around with. I will admit, I get really sad about it sometimes when I'm out and see girls having such good fun with one another. I used to pin my lack of female friends to just simply having non-"female"-like interests... such as music (specifically prog. metal), and I don't know anything at all about chick-flick shows or movies, and I'm not interested in being a part of the Greek community (which so many of the girls at my school are). When I have had girl friends, the relationships seem to always fade because I'm just not the type of person to want constant text message conversations -I really don't see the point in all that, but it has always seemed as though once I don't keep on top of the constant attention these friendships require, they die. Anyway, any input or advice would help. I more or less want to know if this is also an issue for other people with BPD!

I hate being me and since I can’t be anyone else I hate being alive. I’m trying to go to bed but all the moments that remind me how sad and pathetic my life and relationship is keep paying in my head. I feel so ignored, alone, and useless and I’ll never be anything but those things so why am I still trying. Sorry for this depressing ass rant

I got carpal tunnel on both hands and for a while I was scared I couldn't move my right hand It got significantly better after 3 weeks and I removed my splints while working and while playing video games and then that Sunday put a new desk together. After putting that desk together my index finger on my left hand started shaking. No weakness, no difficulty grabbing things just shaking. I know thats both an anxiety symptom and a carpal tunnel symptom and I I've looked at it logically. I favored my left hand over my right because my right was worse, I worked and gamed without splints, I even fell asleep without my splints one night. Everything is pointing to me just agitating my carpal tunnel but I can't seem to stay convinced on that. I keep jumping to the worst outlandish possible reason despite there being a more probable explanation

The moment of free time, I could finally spend time for myself and somehow just end up being depressed. Stress over for the next day, prepare for tomorrow's problem. Feel like if I stop worrying about later, tomorrow, the world would burn.. My hobbies are dead? What I used to enjoy doing is no longer giving me joy. Anyways, cheers for having endless, infinite supply of problems that we all could get as a reward for solving so many problems that could prevents us to have 'no more' problems at the first place. Look at the sky above and I saw my loved ones who stopped stressing in this world.

For years I (21M) wasn't sure if I had an eating disorder. I have social anxiety and pretty sure GAD as well. I'm very underweight, have low appetite and difficulty swallowing. My anxiety is now at such a high point that it makes me vomit and physically sick. Last time it was this bad was 3 years ago but I didn't really understand it, so I couldn't get the help I needed. Since then I've basically supressed it by smoking way too much weed and isolating myself. Even though it's at such an extreme point now and fucking with my school attendance, I'm glad I finally understand how my problems and symptons are connected. Hopefully I can get a psychologist soon and get on some meds or something.

its like they found a way to cope or they left this planet. It's so lonely when majority of the threads are posted by young folks.

I had a FP last year as well, she was my closest friend. However, after a time of me always making unnecessary dramas and being jealous, she had enough and told me that I’m really clingy. We haven’t spoken for one year, I was entremely angry at her. The lucky thing is, we began to speak again and we have a totally healthy friendship now, something which seemed impossible at the time when she was my FP. However, all of this could only happen because I got a new FP, who I’m still obsessed with. He’s also my friend and the pattern on why he became that person is somewhat similar to my former FP’s: both of them are understanding, open-minded and kind people with a look I specifically find attractive. I had a former crush on both. The funny thing is: just like one year ago, I received criticism from this guy as well, he said the same things that my former FP did. Luckily, we haven’t cut ties, it was just a warning sign. However, I’m really worried for our friendship. I really don’t want to lose him and I know that the only way in the long run is to not have him as my FP. Having an FP is really messing up not only me and my relationships, but my productivity and grades in school as well. Any tips (if possible, something other than finding a new FP)?

Im alone, everyone leaves me, but i will always hold them in my heart because i cant be alone. Im only me when im with others. Since im alone the only person physically in my life is my therapist. It hurts knowing she doesnt care about me as a friend, just a client. Do i not matter then? No one in life truly care about anyone else so does that mean im not worth it? those are the thoughts that enter my head a lot. I know one day she will stop treating me, i know she may switch me to another person, when she rescheduals or gives me tough love i feel she hates me. Ive started lying and telling her im doing better because i dont want her to hate me or judge me and then leave should i tell her? if i told her would she think im getting to attached and then refer me to someone else?

You ever get a splinter that you can't tweeze out? Maybe it went too deep or maybe it breaks while you're taking it out with a tweezer... you might not even notice it unless you touch the skin I just the right spot. Otherwise they can just sit there,, under the skin, which closes up around it. ​ Those splinters often work their way out to the surface over many years. Often by the time they emerge, we have no memory of getting them in the first place... it's just like "whoa that hurts, where did that come from?" ​ And then we remember a long ago splinter we got in that spot... or sometimes not... ​ This is a lot like emotional pain. Sometimes unhealed trauma can just emerge and hurt all over again, taking us by surprise. We may have thought we healed from it because the "skin" closed up around it... but it's not that it came out of nowhere, it's just that it has been sitting in us for years and finally reached the surface. ​ Like a splinter emerging, trauma can hurt all over again when it finally reaches the surface. Though this is painful, it is also an opportunity to finally obseve it, and truly heal.

Anyone else here feel like they are doing really well ... that is until their period is due? My emotions have calmed alot recently, my relationship is stable. I feel an improvement happening... but then every month in the 2/3 days before my period arrives I am a mess and it feels so similar to BPD symptoms that labelling it PMT doesn't seem right. Anyone else find their cycle has a part to play in BPD symptoms worsening, do PMT and BPD team up together on you every month?

Male 40+ here. I don't know about you, but sometimes I'm so fed up with feeling terrible and suicidal, that I get very aggressive towards any perceived threat. For example, the other day I go to the supermarket with the wife, and this guy stares at my wife's bum. So I get right to his face and say something along the lines of "I hope you like my wife' \*\*\*\* you \*\*\*\*\* \*\*\*\*" . And to my delight, they always back down, because it turns out the average British male, when confronted with someone who looks totally out of it, will systematically back down rather than pick a fight with someone my size - and let me be clear - I'm not even big, i'm rather small actually. But I do look totally out of it half the time lol. Anyways sometimes I wish they fought me and I lost. It's like fight club - i'm not in this to win, I'm in this to fight. Just sharing, don't get offended.

A lot of the things that I did in the two weeks leading up to my last hospitalization are happening again. I’m getting super high at least once a day, i’m feeling like nothing is important and falling behind in school, and even though the dark thoughts I got last time haven’t shown up, i’m afraid that they’re coming soon. I think what triggered this was that I was in a friend group that I felt was pulling away from me. I convinced myself that it was just my paranoia and that everything was fine, and then they all told me at once that they didn’t like me and hadn’t for a while. They gave me a numbered list of reasons they didn’t like me. On Thanksgiving. Yeah, I think that may have been a big trigger. I haven’t been taking my medicine, i’m sneaking around, i’m lying more often... what do I do to stop this from getting worse?

How does everyone deal with feelings of abandonment??, I don’t know if they’re just feelings or whether they’re a reality, I used to see my best friend 4/5 times a week, I’ve seen them twice in the last two weeks because they’ve got a new boyfriend, was meant to stay over for a day or two whilst their parents were abroad, but now their new boyfriend is staying over instead, whenever I’d ask to arrange the day I could stay over the response was always ‘we will sort something’ yet they sorted out their new partner staying over immediately, but told me we could sort something? And now he’s staying instead of me, Was meant to see my best friend too before I went away, and they were going to come and chill with me at my place, but instead she saw her boyfriend and brought him over. Our conversations are being carried by me, and in response I’m getting 3/4 word messages, when we used to have full blown conversations all day, I’ve tried to bring this up but nothing seems to change, despite the opportunity and apology from her. She’s now posting pics of them together all over social media saying how her partner is her favourite person and all this and I just don’t know how to deal with this constant fear of abandonment, can I have some advice please? X

Due to my BPD I am a very anxious person, and I also have a history of bulimia (slightly binging and then fasting) and also had an ulcer a few years back. Ever since I got my ulcer my sense of hunger has been way off, and to make matters worse I can't eat when I am stressed. _x000D_I think subconsciously I still think I am fat and need to lose weight, and I have become so accustomed to fasting that I hardly notice any discomfort. It has gotten to the point where I legitimately forget to eat for almost entire day until I almost (or actually do) pass out. _x000D_When I try too hard to force myself to eat I just get sick. My therapists have just told me to force myself to eat. It is becoming a real problem, and I don't know how to fix it. Does anyone have any advice?_x000D__x000D_Edit: I legitimately don't find food to be appetizing, and that is the biggest problem. Looking at it makes me want to gag at times. If I could just inject nutrients into my system without eating I would do that (which I know is impossible). I tried protein shakes and bars, but that got old really quickly.

I used to be suicidal, but I think I’ve gotten over that. Now I’m at a point where I just want to sleep as much as possible. I know there are responsibilities, yet I just feel too depressed to meet them. The things I like to do just don’t seem so enjoyable. The only thing that I really like to do is lie in my bed and try to forget about my problems.

Like many people I had an open heart in my youth. I was overly optimistic and assumed that people are generally good. But as the years go by my emotional bandwidth becomes more and more restricted. I've seen and been through too much shit to allow myself to ever be vulnerable again. Especially these last two years, it's like everyone went mask off (pun intended) and showed just how selfish and calloused the vast majority of adults are. I hate living in this fallen world where having a conscious makes you a mark. If there was a pill that could instantly damage my brain enough to turn me into a cunning sociopath I would take it, because at least then I would stand a chance at getting ahead and beating "the game" and I wouldn't have to feel weak anymore. That would be nice.

I am dependent on my mother. I cannot work, I can barely take care of myself. Both me and my mom are disabled, we both applied for disability last year and we both got denied. My mom works 10 hour shifts all week but she can't make enough money to support us. I tried alternate ways to make money but it isn't nearly enough. I need to reapply for disability/wellfare but I don't know what to do. I cannot remember anything, I heavily dissociate when I have to talk to people and I end up just saying whatever ends the conversation the fastest. I can't help it. I can't remember my records, any of my doctor's names, I don't remember to do my PT exercises and they think I'm not taking my treatment seriously. Medication has never worked, no matter what I take or how much of it I take. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to do anything, I can't remember anything I need to, I don't know how I'm going to do this

For example, right now I am in the middle of finals at university. I am beyond stressed. But, even though I'm making sure I get enough sleep, I'm constantly exhausted. I'm achy and getting headaches, too. And my apathy is sky high. I just can't function. And this happens every time I get stressed, so I know that is the cause. Does this happen to you? Under what circumstances? How do you manage it?

I feel like nobody actually cares about me at all, even my "friends" and family.

I'm sixteen years old, and being honest, I'm not happy whatsoever. Everyday of my life, I wake up, use the bathroom, barely eat, play video games, and sleep. I barely to rarely even do my homework because I'm always exhausted and never finding any ounce of wanting to do any of it before just turning off my computer and thinking that I'm a failure to my family because I can't even do my own homework. I'm always picked on by my sister (who is thirteen), and she just makes my life so much more worse than it already is. My mom is there, but she isn't THERE for me. She doesn't care whenever my sister tells me to kill myself, or whenever she calls me these horrible names that just make me insecure and make me hate myself more. Stuff like, "mom should've never had another kid", and "you were a mistake, go outside for once, you have no life", EVEN THOUGH, I was born before her. My anger issues sometimes get the best of me and I say something hurtful, but she just tells on me. My dad passed away back in 2014, and he was honestly the only thing holding my small family together, and the day he died everything just went crashing down. I miss him more than anything, and every time someone mentions him, or when my mom finds an old photo/item that belonged to him, she'd normally show me and I'd just start crying. I don't care how long it's been, my dad was the sweetest person to me, and I'm never going to let go of that feeling of loss. I've witnessed two family deaths, my father's and my grandmas. I miss her too – and it just hurts seeing that people that were nothing but caring towards me die before my very eyes. I can't handle things well, and these were some of the things that forced me to hide and cry to myself. I have no friends, they were either fake, or just using me for my phone or whatever. The last time I've had a real friend was back in the 7th grade, and well, I'm heading to 11th now. I remember I was being bullied, and that stuck with me as well. It hurts, knowing the person that you used to be friends with, is the person who calls you fat and that you should lose weight. I wasn't eating at school in the first place because my insecurities were so bad, that I wouldn't eat until almost 4 p.m. (when I got home) because I didn't want people to think I was fat. Nonetheless, she made me feel more insecure. Another person I also knew since like, kindergarten, she became a mean person as well. Your typical skinny white girl who thinks saying the 'N' word is cool. I'm surprised nobody has smacked her yet. Maybe because she can't fight, and 'cause she needs people to help her fight. She's honestly the definition of pathetic, and well, I just hope she doesn't succeed in life. Honest. Anyways, I'm currently sitting in bed, crying, and the only reason I'm writing this is because I'm feeling down. My birthday was a few weeks ago, and even then, I wasn't feeling good. I was obviously hiding the fact I wasn't feeling good, just because I didn't want my mom to think I wasn't grateful for everything. I am.. I just don't know. I never do. I'm just waiting to get yelled at again, because I'm failing school. I have nobody to help me. You know the last time my mom has said she loved me? Probably a few weeks ago it hurts, and my mom always says she's going to take me to see a therapist, but I think she's just making fun of me or something, because she never does anything about it. Anyways, that's it. Have a good day.

Trigger Warning: mentions of suicidal ideation I have bad health anxiety and for several weeks now I've been feeling like shit (GI problems, getting them checked out). On top of that I also have a few other issues that make me very anxious. Because of this for a while now I've been having anxiety attacks that are affecting my sleep, my eating, and my behavior. I have panic attacks when I go out and I don't do anything anymore besides my uni work. I've had strong suicidal thoughts and I feel like there's no hope anymore and that this is my new reality. I get very bad intrusive thoughts too that only make things worse. Last night I was thinking about it and I realized that I could be starting a depressive episode because of it. I hadn't realized it before because every time I've had depressive episodes I've mostly just felt very sad but this time I just feel frustrated, scared, and hopeless. I feel like I have no future. I've considered going back to therapy but if I tell a therapist how I feel they'll probably hospitalize me against my will, which I don't want cause it would probably worsen things. I know that by this point I probably need medication but getting an appointment with a psychiatrist in my country takes months. I don't know what to do. I wanted to get better, I truly did, but no matter how many resources I read or things I tried nothing would change. I haven't told anyone. Only my boyfriend knows that I've been anxious lately but that's just it.

And I’m so nervous I feel sick. I’m so scared that no one will like me or I’ll do something wrong. I keep thinking that they’ll decide that they don’t want me anymore once I start or they’re all laughing at me behind my back. Different types of scenarios keep going through my head and it’s just making things so much worse I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight

Wish I could have some feelings I’ve been numb for awhile now.

I feel like I HAVE to have a deep connection or it’s pointless. It might stem from needing affection/fear of abandonment. I don’t know if that makes sense. I’m dealing with that now with one of my friends and I’m constantly wondering if I should just stop putting effort in. I overly love my dog, sometimes to the point I should stop showing affection and I wonder if it’s because my dog can’t leave. I know I’m fucked up, please don’t be too harsh in the comments. Is anyone else like this?

are there any distractions techniques i could try?

If I go home my dog will still be dead. I’ll still be a terrible mother. My husband will still think I’m useless. Wish I could disappear.

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Ive tried it and it helped me with my depressed mood

Around halloween i started getting distant from my bffs becayse i felt like they never checked up on me. Other stuff happened where they were hanging out with people who were really mean to all of us. A lot of insecurities came out and my friend didnt really do anything to help them. A month has passed and ive been quiet with them because i dont know whete the friendship is. Shes messaged me a few times annoyed that i dont talj to them and i pmd her to tell her how hard it is to get help. She just kept telling me that they dont know anything ks wrong ic I dont talj to them and "we're supposed to be family" so i should tell them when i don't feel good. I just want my friends to care enough to reach out to me. She also complained to me a while because people hadbt checked in on her since ruok day, no one checked on me that day, and few have since

I coundn't sleep since I accidentally spilled thumbtacks on my bed. I cleaned it up and checked many times but I am still so anxious and can't sleep.  I decided to go to a psychologist where he/she suggested an exposure therapy. He poured a box of thumbtacks on the sofa and spread it and we cleaned it up and put it back to the box and he asked me to lay down on the sofa. The psychologist did it first then asked me to do it after him. I lay down on the sofa and 5 minutes passed. He asked me how did I feel. I said I am still anxious. The psychologist told me that the anxiety will decrease over time. I noticed that the therapy didn't work for me so I decided to buy myself a new bed, new blankets and new sheets to calm myself down.Soon, my bed arrived. I was happy and look forward to sleep well.Few days later, I was wearing the same jacket that I used to go to the psychologist.I was sitting on my new bed with that jackets on. All of a sudden but my mind keeps telling me that some thumbtacks stuck on my jacket and now it is contaminating the new sheets and new bed again? HELP ME PLEASE!!!! I am now super depressed and anxious!

IDK if this is a bpd symptom but I really have trouble understanding that I (or anyone) can have friendships as intimate as romantic/family relationships. This has led to a lot of insecurity from me when my SO makes new friends and becomes very close with them. I get jealous because my brain thinks it's romantic bc they're so close when yknow it's entirely possible to have friendships without any hint of romance at all. On a superficial/theoretical level I do understand that it's possible, but deep down it feels like my brain is just hardwired into thinking the complete opposite. On the other hand I feel like this might also stem from me not actually having any intimate relationships aside from my SO. When I sense any kind of intimacy or vulnerability from me or a friend, I instinctively back away, because I don't want it to turn into a romantic thing (even when I was single I was already like this, lol). It sucks bc as much as it hurts to admit, I do just want to have the same level of intimacy my SO has with his best friends as I do with my own best friends. But I'm scared, and I don't know where to start fixing this. I actually tried to be better the past few months with being more vulnerable with friends but they don't seem to reciprocate it, which hurts. I just end up hiding in my shell again like a damn scared turtle.

I have prolonged this enough. I am losing my place to stay in 30 days, and me and my 5 year old will have to end up living in a motel for the foreseeable future. I have always told myself that maybe I’m just a little neurotic, that it skipped me even though both my mom and older sister had BPD. (They both passed last year) I couldn’t be bipolar because I don’t have any addictions. Just making up excuses. (The mood swings and the spending of money irrationally I just swept under the rug) Well instead of paying rent this month I decided to go canoeing and spend my $500 paycheck on a whim thinking “it will be okay, I can make it back by the 5th” like I literally was so manic and delusional that I thought money was just going to come to me 😂 now I am in a complete and utter depression, won’t leave my bed. Thinking how suicide would be better than living this shitty ass life, I would finally be at peace. But there’s that little part of me that is like I need to take responsibility for my actions and finally get help, if not for me at least for my son. I don’t have any type of insurance and obviously cannot afford a therapist. So what are my options, so when I finally hopefully get thru this rough patch in my life, I can get it together.

Why are they all after me why are they all after me why are they all after me what i did i do to them this isint fair why does everyone want to hurt me if i dont want to hurt them i can feel the hyper awareness of these thoughts they course through my head like colums of wind and leave everything unalligned up there what did i so to deserve this i just want to be freinds with them