Context: I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Response: From what you describe about yourself, I agree with you that ending your former relationship was a very wise decision.The nightmares and flashbacks show that you were deeply affected emotionally and on the foundations of your basic nature.The way for these to stop is by the slow process of realizing how badly injured and frightened you were of your former partner.Once you've stabilized yourself by accepting the tremendous harshness that was part of the former relationship, then the nightmares and flashbacks will disappear gradually usually, maybe all at once.There is a possibility too that your former relationship connected with being emotionally ignored, abandoned, treated harshly during your time of growing up years.Since generally people choose partners who relate similarly to the ways in which they felt treated by parents, it is possible that you had been badly treated while growing up and weren't aware of this until going through this terrible relationship.Congratulations on ending your relationship!


Context: I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Response: Your challenge is called "co-dependency." People seek approval from others in an obsessive way when they are failing to truly accept themselves. I encourage you to truly love yourself and know that you have every right to every sensation, emotion, thought, and inspiration that you may have. Best of luck on your journey.


Context: I was a victim of an incident. I've been made fun of and have been beating myself up for it because I don't feel anyone honestly believes me. There are so many other factors I deal with on a daily basis. I ignore my problems when I'm with my friends, but it’s scary when I’m alone.

Response: As you seemed to have learned, the impact will not just "go away". Treatment of trauma is like surgery, it requires a skillful clinician to help resolve it. While you are contemplating getting help, you can focus on calming techniques like meditation and yoga. They will aid you when you begin the therapeutic process.


Context: I was a victim of an incident. I've been made fun of and have been beating myself up for it because I don't feel anyone honestly believes me. There are so many other factors I deal with on a daily basis. I ignore my problems when I'm with my friends, but it’s scary when I’m alone.

Response: I'm glad you have some time when you're not thinking about your trauma when you're with your friends.As far as feeling scared when you are alone, I'm not sure if you are referring to having flashbacks or thoughts on what happened to you or reminders in the environment around you or something else.One thing that might help is to find a bead or a rock that is smooth that you can hold onto or rub against your hand or fingers. Think of a time when you felt safe, comfortable, happy – basically a positive and safe moment – while holding onto the rock. Then, when you have scary thoughts, you can hold on to the rock and remember the happier place. Try to associate as many happy and safe moments with the rock as you can.


Context: I know I was molested as a child, but I have no memory of it.

Response: I'm not sure that I have the answer to your question, but I can tell you that it would be helpful to talk with a certified hypnotist. There are a list of them here: http://www.natboard.com/index_files/Page548.htm. You also may want to talk to someone who specializes in EMDR. This stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and it is a specific trauma treatment. I am not trained in this particular method, but my understanding is that it does not require a lot of knowledge of the origin of the trauma before being started.


Context: I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me.

Response: Have you sought the support of a therapist really qualified in working through sexual trauma? It can take some work, but healing is possible. If you feel able to, it may also help to open a dialogue with your boyfriend about what you need from him when you have these flashbacks. Let him know what some helpful responses may be.


Context: I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me.

Response: Sexual intimacy can be very triggering for survivors even when it is both wanted and consensual.  You may want to consider seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma to work through the abuse if you have not already done so. Often times triggers still hold such a powerful effect when the emotions related to the abuse  have not been fully processed.  In the meantime, you may want to consider coming up with a Safe Word to let your partner know that you are being triggered or to communicate your physical boundaries to him.  Often times, the experience of communicating  your physical boundaries to your partner, having those boundaries respected and validated, and having a partner who is understanding and  willing to engage in intimacy in such a way that does not violate your physical boundaries  can reinforce a sense of safety with him.


Context: I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?

Response: When it comes to trauma, especially in the event that it has caused you to develop PTSD, there can be a lot of difficulty in attempting to resolve these issues on your own simply because of how strong your urge to avoid it whenever thoughts of the traumatic experience come up. PTSD is best treated with the help of a mental health professional and if using the Cognitive Processing Approach can be treated in as few as 17 weeks. As for your other concerns, many of these can be treated independently if you have the motivation to manage your way through. Panic attacks and depression, specifically, often respond well to self-help treatment manuals. The Centre for Clinical Interventions is a great online resource for workbooks to help you learn to manage the depression and panic attacks. Whether you decide to work through these concerns on your own or in professional therapy, just know that your panic attacks must be managed prior to addressing your trauma. Hope this is helpful and if you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask.


Context: I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?

Response: I will not say that you can't but I will say it will be much harder and the time may take much longer.  Getting help and having someone to be there with you through the ups and down of PTSD makes the journey much easier.


Context: As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.

Response: It's important to know that there are counselors who are trained in working with survivors of trauma and you can get help.  The "blur" in your memories is your brain's attempt to protect you from the experiences in your past.  To recover them can be a slow process done by a trained professional that you trust.  When you are ready and feel safe, those memories can be recovered and can be integrated with other memories.  This will help to lessen the potency of the memory, help to make sense of what has happened, and allow you to begin the healing process.  Check into therapist who are trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).


Context: As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.

Response: Sorry to hear of having witnessed violence within your family when you were very young.Your blocked memories are a self-protection from the enormous emotional pain and feeling de-stabilized by realizing that the people whom you expected to trust, are harmful.Already you are at the first step, which is to know that memories exist about the disturbing events concerning your brother.Probably the best way of finding your way back to those times, is by paying attention to all of who you are today.The more intently and with loving interest you are able to notice yourself, you will be gradually dissolving the layers of protective thoughts about intimacy being unsafe.Basically, you will be teaching yourself how to slowly trust yourself.Since trust is what was violated while you were young, you will be developing a new model for trusting yourself and others.Then, more of the memories of your painful and overwhelming times will make themselves available to you.They are simply waiting for you to be strong and trusting enough within yourself, to tolerate them!


Context: My suppose-to-be father told me to go find my real dad. We haven't been getting along since I was a teenager. If I said one thing that he thought was wrong, I always got degraded. He never said “I love you.” He never gave us hugs. He’s always called me horrible names. I feel he's an evil man with no feelings.

Response: Hi Louisiana, You got it right...he's "supposed to be" your father. It's tough enough being adopted (unless I'm reading it wrong, I think you're adopted); what you don't need is to be verbally abused by someone who's supposed to love and protect you. I don't know how old you are (past teen years though), or where your mom is, but I bet there are other people in your life who treat you differently. It's your right to spend your time with the people who love you properly. That's a really important part of learning how to be happy...carefully choosing who's going to be in your life. It's tricky to put emotional distance between you and your supposed-to-be father, but it's possible...physical distance (avoid him if you don't trust you'll be treated with respect), and emotional distance (feeling less connected to and affected by his relationship disability). I think you're already doing that part because you don't blame yourself for his words, which is wonderful. I don't know if he's evil (although I believe evil exists), but he may be incapable of loving properly, or lacking empathy, as you suggest. A good therapist can support you in these goals. I wish you the best in your growth as an independent adult. :)


Context: My boyfriend is seeking therapy. He is in his 40s and has some childhood issues. He has kids from his previous ex-wife and is unable to see them.

Response: Probably the more important questions to answer concern how much confidence you have in you and your boyfriend becoming parents, how you each feel about the influence of his being banned from seeing his current children, and be clear about the circumstances that led up to the decision of him not being permitted to see his kids.Don't allow some random professional to pronounce your boyfriend as cured.  A relatively qualified therapist would never make this call.Psychological and emotional tensions emerge from our relationships within families.  You and your boyfriend are in a position to set a strong foundation for having children, assuming each of you wants children.Childhood issues, your boyfriend's, anyone's, are more likely to go away when new patterns of interacting emerge.If the two of you are engaged in setting a secure relationship as future parents, the disappointments and hurt from the very early years, will be replaced by better ways of interacting.


Context: An organization admitted to implanting thoughts in my head with technologies. The study was to implant a fantasy other people are having, but to me, it's a nightmare. I lost my kids, my job, and all that. I was an unwilling participant. I no longer trust a therapist. I'm too afraid to go under hypnosis or anything.

Response: Given your experience of being imposed upon against your will, and all the personal and professional loss that has come since, your fear of what will happen if you undergo treatment and trust a therapist is understandable. There is no technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away or be reversed, however, there are things that you can do which may help you to change your relationship to the thoughts and to the distress that they cause. I understand that working with a therapist sounds risky, given your experiences, and at the same time a good therapist may be a beneficial resource in helping you deal with the intrusive thoughts, cope with and alleviate the stress that they create, and perhaps even lead to the alleviation of the thoughts themselves. A therapist may also be able to help you discover strategies to work towards any goals you have around reconnecting with your children and working again. If therapy feels too unsafe at the moment, I would recommend looking into workbooks on how to deal with intrusive thoughts and coping with stress. Some popular approaches that you may want to look into are mindfulness techniques, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You may even be able to find some of these resources at a library, if affordability is an obstacle.


Context: I did some horrible sexual things as a kid and I regret everything. Can someone help me cope with myself? Can someone help me remember my past?

Response: I'm very sorry to hear this. Hypnosis can be a valuable tool that a trained therapist can use to bring back suppressed memories. However, keep in mind that hypnosis doesn't work for everyone. I think regardless, speaking with a therapist about your sexual issues would be beneficial. It seems like you have experienced some painful experiences in the past and may need help dealing with them in order to move forward. In addition, if past memories do resurface a trained therapist will be able to help you cope with them as they arise. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you receive the treatment that you deserve.


Context: Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isn’t abuse, it’s just angry verbal bashing, and that it’s different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.

Response: I’m glad that you are reaching out for help. What you are going though sounds overwhelming and  exhausting. Here is a link that talks about the signs of an abuse relationship if you are questioning  whether or not you are experiencing an abusive relationship https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htmThis maybe a lot of information to take in so if you feel overwhelmed I would encourage you to talk to a therapist.  Also every state has a domestic non-profit that can assist you with support or resources. If you are struggling to find one in your area I can help you. They can help you safety plan and give additional information that might be of assistance.  In abusive relationships, unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change your partners behavior. It is up to her to make that decision.  A lot of time in abusive relationships  asserting  your boundaries can put you at risk for more abuse. I would encourage you to use your gut in this situation because you know your relationship better then anyone else.  The best thing for you to do is to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe. I would encourage against couples counseling because it can also become unsafe in an abusive relationship. You are making a big step in looking for help.


Context: Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isn’t abuse, it’s just angry verbal bashing, and that it’s different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.

Response: Ultimately it is only your partner who can decide whether to stop name calling or not.I would take very seriously that she doesn't show any willingness to hear and understand your point of view.In a relationship in which one person claims the right to verbally abuse the other, there isn't much genuine care and trust going on at all.It is never safe to open your heart to her since you can't tell in advance if you'll be treated with kindness or bashing.Think seriously how possible it is for you to enjoy your relationship if your partner is unwilling to accommodate your feelings.If the two of you are unable to agree on terms or discuss the problem as a mutual one, not just your problem, then you may wish to withdraw from the relationship.


Context: Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isn’t abuse, it’s just angry verbal bashing, and that it’s different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.

Response: One thing you could try is to talk to your partner when she's not angry about the following:If she's angry, maybe she can talk with you about what she is angry about rather than calling you names.If she gets angry and then calms down a little while later, maybe one of you can take a timeout in the discussion and set a time when you will come back to it.Discuss what it is that you find acceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what it is that you find unacceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what is acceptable for her to do during an argumentDiscuss what is on acceptable for her to do during an argumentYour partner can answer the same questions related to herself and you.I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have this discussion when there is not an argument going on. Perhaps you could mention that you would like to talk about something that is really important and see if the current time is a good time. If not, consider when in the next 24 to 48 hours would be a good time.It may also be helpful to discuss these ideas with a local therapist. The therapist may also be able to help both of you figure out where the anger is coming from and where she has learned to react this way.If it is abuse, it may be even more difficult to have these important discussions. It may be helpful for you to see a local therapist by yourself to assess things like physical and emotional safety.


Context: My friend’s husband is bipolar and refuses to take medication for it. He has taken the wheels off her vehicle before to prevent her from leaving. He has held her a prisoner in her home. He has choked her, hit her, etc. She has almost divorced him a couple of times but always makes up with him, thinking that he is going to change. She and I went to a wedding out of town in September of 2014, and ever since she has been back, he is convinced that she cheated on him while we were gone. Now he is saying that I have also cheated on my boyfriend and has come to my house and told my boyfriend this.

Response: I’m glad that you  are seeking help and that you are supporting your friend. I’m sure this is all overwhelming and frustrating for you. The biggest thing you can do for your friend is to be supportive as you are already doing. Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do for her outside of that because it is up to her husband to change and up to your friend if she wants to leave. There are things you can do to support more: it might be helpful for her to have some information on a domestic violence non profit in her area because they can assist her in many areas if she wants to leave. They can also provide you with support while you go through this with her. The nonprofit can also safety plan with her and it might be helpful for you to do it with her if you want to. Another thing you can do is support her in decision to stay with her husband or not despite what she decides. Many victims decide to stay with thier abusive partner for many reasons. It is important to support her decisions, even if you don’t agree with them, because she may have very little decision making in her relationship. I would also encourage you to make sure you are taking care of yourself while you support her so you are not becoming too overwhelmed. Here is some info that might be helpful to you. https://abuseintervention.org/sandbox77/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/How-to-Help-a-Loved-One.pdf


Context: I have an emotionally abusive relationship. We have been together for a year and a half. He got out of prison exactly a year ago and a half ago, and we have a infant. I love my boyfriend, and I don't want to leave without fighting for this first. He's an emotionally disconnected person. We never say “I love you” to each other. Every fight is worse than the last one, and I don't know what to do. He doesn't let me speak because he's louder than me, and that makes me feel frustrated. I have another problem: English is my second language. I pay half of the bills, and every time I want to speak to him, he kicks me out of the house. He apologizes sometimes. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for this. He agreed to have counseling.

Response: I’m glad that you are reaching out for help. All of this sounds overwhelming and confusing. All of what you discribed is common in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything you can do that will change his behavior. He has to make that decision for himself. It is difficult for abusers to do this because they have to admit that thier behavior is fully thier responsibility. Abusers, a lot of times, will say they’re sorry or make promises to change and then turn around and become abusive again. I would strongly discourage any couples counseling because in an abusive relationship this can become very dangerous for the victim. Individual therapy for both of you you be a safer rout. I would also encourage you to reach out to a domestic violence non profit near you because they can help you safety plan and provide counseling if you want it. Here is some information on the cycle of violence that might be helpful for you  http://www.bfwc.org/pdf/Cycle%20of%20Violence.pdfI hope you are safe and I wish you the best.


Context:
I'm a teenager, and throughout my entire life, I've never really had good parents, or parents at all for that matter. I'm not exaggerating. I was living with my mom and grandparents until my father, in prison for most of my life, got out when I was in middle school. His mom, my grandma, only lived a mile down the road from my mom’s house, and I was so awe-stricken with my dad that I got to stay with him for a long time. Meanwhile, I did not realize that my mom was doing hardcore drugs. My mom went to prison for that and lost her café. We live in a very small town, so everyone knew about it, and I was bullied because of who my parents were. My dad ended up getting in with the wrong people and went back to prison.
   My mom and him had a mutual friend and often hung out at that person’s house. My parents did not get along at this point. We were driving him home one day from this house, and my mom stopped the car and kicked him out. He got out of the car, went to the driver’s side, and punched my mom in the face. I got out and told him not to hit my mom. At that point, I was really scared and mad that he did that, so I ran towards him to stop him. He literally picked me up and threw me on the back of a gravel road. I couldn't even walk. My mom tried to help me, but he started choking her. I hobbled over, and she barely got into the car, and we quickly drove away and called the police and ambulance. He was so badly strung out on drugs. He went to prison again and seems to be doing well. I met up with him once with my grandma, and we had coffee, but he's so hard to handle. I think a lot of it is that I can't bring myself to forgive him. My mom went back to prison again for drugs, and while she was in there, I moved in with my dad’s mom (the one who lived just down the road) because I trust her, her house is stable, and she's more nurturing, understanding, and loving then my other grandparents. I also stay at my boyfriend’s a lot. Now that my mom is out of prison, she's trying to control every aspect of my life. She’s trying to make me move back home out of Susan's house, and I don't want to. I don't like it there. They condone drug abuse and many other things, and I'm just not comfortable. She's even threatened to call the police and say I'm a runaway because she has custody of me. My boyfriend has always had this picture-perfect life, and his family are strict Christians. One time, his mom even went as far as to say that if he and I break up, if we were having sex, I would say that he raped me. I've got so many problems I don't even know what to do.

Response: Thank you for reaching out and I can see that this is getting to the point that it is becoming overwhelming with all that is going on. To address your question, the best answer is that it will take time and from what I read you are still living through it , so your feelings are perfectly normal for the situation. I get the  impression that you really need someone to process through all that you have been through and unfortunately getting  adequate feedback would best be done meeting one on one with a therapist vs. through a question answer forum. If you are currently in school you could see about meeting with a school therapist or if you are over the age of 15, in most states you can consent to your own therapy. If you choose not to meet with a therapist I would encourage you to call a crisis hotline to help you safety plan to keep yourself safe around your parents 1-800-273-8255  If you chose to meet with a therapist keep in mind that a lot of what you experienced can be reported to Family protective services since you are a minor. You can also choose to make a report if you are feeling unsafe with your parents. I’m glad to hear that you have your grandmother for support. I’m sure this is a lot to take in and I wish you the best.


Context: He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared.

Response: I’m sorry you are experiencing this and I’m glad that you are looking for help and support. I’m not sure of all the details so take from answer what you can. If you are feeling unsafe or scared in your relationship please know that there are non profit domestic violence services that can help and provide you some more support. They can also safely plan with you if you choose to leave. It seems that you might be feeling defeated and if that’s the case a lot of domestic violence non profits provide free counseling if you are needing to talk to someone. What you are going through can be overwhelming and your are taking the right steps toward healing


Context: He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared.

Response: Good for you on recognizing your own feelings.  Often in an abusive relationship, the person who is being abused, starts doubting themselves and starts tolerating, then accepting abuse.Marriage is based in love and feeling taken care of by the partner.  Feeling scared is the opposite of this.If you feel ready, tell him the way you feel and pay attention to how willing your husband is to being aware that he yells and that you feel scared.If he has no idea of what you're talking about, doesn't want to understand what you feel, then slowly take steps to understand within yourself whether or not tolerating your husband's behavior is acceptable to live with on an everyday basis.


Context: My kid’s dad and I broke up two years ago. He still wants me back, and I just started to fall for him again. But our kids are with Child Protective Services: that’s why we broke up. He started to talk to other women, and he put his hands on me.

Response: What you are experiencing is common with survivors of abusive relationships. Even abusive relationships have positive moments in them and typically for survivors those are things they still love and care about of the abuser. A lot of it could also be grief over the loss of the relationship and also your children. A lot of time people return to thier abuser because that’s the only support that they have. If this is something you are going through I would encourage you to seek out a domestic violence non profit in your area because they can provide you with additional support.  I don’t know the whole situation but keep in mind that abusers will make promises and say what they think the other person wants to hear to get them to return. Attached is an example of what I am talking about: http://www.bfwc.org/pdf/Cycle%20of%20Violence.pdfBased on what you decide I would encourage you to keep  caution and boundaries. It might be helpful to safety plan with a domestic violence non profit.


Context: I'm in college currently, so I am not a direct victim anymore. My father is very abusive with his words and actions, and my siblings are getting treated horribly.

Response: Yes you can help!  Emotional and verbal abuse can cause a negative impact in your family.  It is important that you encourage your siblings to seek assistance with a therapist, and maybe help them find one, they should have school counselors available and if not our college counselor may help you to get referrals.  It’s also a good idea to talk to your mom about the issue and ask her if she would like help as well.  If you are concerned about your siblings' safety, contact Family Protective Services in your state, they will investigate and refer your father to classes or therapy as needed. It takes courage to do the right thing, you can do this!¿Hay algo que pueda hacer para ayudar a mis hermanos a escapar de nuestro emocionalmente abusivo padre?Actualmente estoy en la universidad, así que no soy victima directamente.  Mi padre es muy abusivo con sus palabras y acciones, y trata a mis hermanos horriblemente.¡Tu si puedes ayudar!  El abuso emocional y verbal puede causar daños graves en la familia.  Es importante que motives a tus hermanos a visitar e incluso encontrar a un terapista, la escuela debe tener uno disponible, y también puedes pedirle referidos a tu Consejero universitario.  También es buena idea que hables con tu mama al respecto y le preguntes si a ella le gustaría buscar ayuda.  Si te preocupa la seguridad de tus hermanos, contacta a el Departamento de Protección a la Familia en tu estado para reportar el abuso.  Ellos investigaran y determinaran si el hogar es un ambiente seguro par tus hermanos y recomendaran terapia o clases para tu papa.  Hay que ser valiente para hacer lo correcto, ¡tú puedes hacerlo!


Context: I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.

Response: Nightmare are actually very common for survivors of domestic violence. If they are affecting you the the point where you feel like you need to do something, you may want to consider processing your memories of the events with a trained trauma therapist. Another good option, may be to attend a support group for survivors where you could process your memories in a safe space where others will be able to provide support and understanding for what you went through as well as encouragement for the strength it took you to get out of that relationship. You may also want to consider completing a screening or assessment to rule out post-traumatic stress disorder as well.


Context: I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.

Response: Hello, and thank you for your question. First things first, I am so glad that you are alive and very sorry that you had to endure such a terrible experience. Now, let's talk about these nightmares. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT losing your mind. Many people start to think that may be the case if they are still suffering from the affects of something that happened a long time ago. That's not the case. There is no time set time for which we should be "over" something like this. I am not sure if you received counseling after what happened to you, but that may be something to consider. Bad nightmares could be the sign of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which would include other symptoms like being startled easily, re-experiencing the event, or avoiding places that remind you of it. There are other symptoms, as well, so if you believe this may be something you have you may want to seek counseling. There are good treatments for PTSD. If you cannot seek counseling at this time, there are some things you can do to try to manage the dreams on your own. I would encourage you to look up "sleepy hygiene" and try to make your bedtime rituals as relaxing as possible. You can also Google search "Nightmare re-scripting" or "Nightmare Exposure" and get some ideas on how you may be able to change your dreams. It may be a good idea to attend a domestic violence support group and get ideas from other survivors who no doubt have had sleep problems related to their experiences, too. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC


Context: After a domestic abuse situation, I went to a therapist, and then my husband went. The therapist discussed her assessment of borderline personality disorder with me. She then told my abuser the results of my tests.

Response: It sounds like it may have been a violation of confidentiality for your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission.  There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however.  For example, when a therapist has a reasonable concern that a client (or someone else) is in imminent danger, he or she is generally allowed to disclose confidential information to protect that person.If you believe your counselor has violated your confidentiality, you can always contact your states' counseling regulatiory board.  The board will then investigate the allegations and can take appropriate action.


Context: My husband and I have been together for seven years now. I will be honest: I have a problem lying to him about stupid stuff. I recently stupidly lied to my husband about an accident because I was afraid to tell him what happened. Ever since then, he gives me the cold shoulder. He gets so mad and ignores me for days. He's really verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me all the bad things about me and calls me awful names. Should we call it quits? I'm tired of crying, but we have a toddler together.

Response: Hi Texas, Thanks for your honesty; it helps me know where to go in answering you. What strikes me in your question is that you describe several ways in which your husband is hurtful/abusive/controlling with you, and then you ask "Should we call it quits?". We? I wonder if maybe the first step is for you to start seeing this decision as yours, rather than yours together. The way your husband treats you is not your fault, Texas. Your lies are a natural and normal way of you avoiding situations and encounters that feel unsafe for you. The problem is not your lying. The problem is that you don't feel safe enough to be honest with a person you're supposed to be able to trust.There's an analogy that I sometimes use; I don't know if this is scientifically true or simply a useful story, but it's powerful either way, so I will tell it to you.If you take a frog and drop it into a pot of boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately, knowing instinctively that if it stays in the pot, it will die. If you take a frog, however, and put it in a pot of cold water, and slowly, slowly, heat it to boiling, the frog will boil to death because it will fail to recognise the moment when it no longer has the energy to jump out of the pot; by the time it realises it's dying, it has lost its strength. It's called "learned helplessness". When your power or your voice has been taken away for a long time, you get used to that, and you fail to see the options that are available to you. You have a toddler, and you may be under the impression that staying in the marriage is best for the child. In my experience, and what research backs up, is that children first and foremost need a safe environment and parents who are happy. You are likely underestimating the effects on your child of living in a home with woman abuse. This is a complex picture, and if you were my client, I would want to get you to a stronger place emotionally where you're seeing the situation clearly and gathering resources and supports before you make any big decisions, but I do see that there are decisions that are there for you to make that can lead to a happy life for you and your child. I sincerely hope you seek professional help, with either a shelter for abused women or a therapist. I wish you the best.


Context: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. Throughout the entire first day that we met, he and I had the opportunity to interact quite a lot and instantly sparked a deep connection with one another. That same night, he and a friend stayed over at my house (without my mom's acknowledgment) and we kissed. The next two days were a repetition of the first day. On the third night, my mother finally caught us, and I was kicked out of my house. I left with him of course, and we went from meeting each other to being like a married couple. It was very hard for us. His stepdad also kicked him out of his home, and we were staying at cheap hotels and friend's houses with the little money we had. I quit my job and dropped out of school because it was hard to do anything without a stable home. There were times when we had nowhere else to go but sleep in the car outside a Walmart parking lot. Our honeymoon stage, as they call it, probably only lasted one month. After that, it was a downward spiral. We were constantly arguing about money, food, and our families. We kept having the famous "you're doing it wrong—do it this way" argument. After six months, we moved across the country only to live the same thing, and that's when the violence started. One afternoon, after a serious argument, he got into his truck and threatened to leave me. I was frightened that he would actually go through with his word, given that we had just moved to a place where we knew no one. He told me to let him leave or he would hit me. He had once promised he would never touch me, so I challenged him to do it. He slapped me, and ever since that time, when we have serious fights, he loses control and hurts me. I haven't had the courage to leave him, and there's really nothing stopping me now. I don't live with him, I don't depend on him, and we don't have children. We both haven't been able to let go of that deep connection that we still have and that has been damaged so badly. He always apologizes, and at the beginning, he was more willing to change. Now he just wants me to understand why he does it and how I don't ever make the effort to try to be okay. I've read enough about domestic violence to know that it's not my fault that he loses control, so that's not even an issue for me. I know he has to change that on his own. I just want to know if there's people who have gone through this and had the tables turned? Is there hope for a better future together?

Response: Hi Winters, I learned a long time ago that I can't ever predict who will change and who won't. I meet couples who seem to have all the ingredients but can't make it work, and others who have severe issues and they decide to make better decisions and things change. But in reading your story, the image of a slot machine came to mind. You're gambling your life away on the chance that this guy will change. Only you can decide how many years to give it. I see him giving you clear signs that he doesn't even believe in himself or want to change though. What are you waiting for?Although you say you know his behaviours aren't your fault, something tells me that you're hoping your love for him will turn the key that unlocks something and makes him want to change. It doesn't work that way. Just like the slot machine, you have no power to change him or make this work. You can only decide when you've paid too much. I bet there's someone out there who loves and misses you. He's not your only support.


Context: I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I’ve never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I’m about to lose her, if I already haven’t. I throw things at her when I’m angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.

Response: Hi Baton Rouge,I'm glad you're reaching out. The first step here is that you are taking some responsibility for your behaviours. I do hear you minimizing your actions (you say you don't "hit her enough to cause harm"?), but you're headed in the right direction. I hope that in your pursuit of treatment you learn that the harm you're causing isn't just superficial bruising. The effects of using aggression and anger to control a person are deep and lasting wounds. Please seek treatment for yourself immediately.You say you love your girlfriend? Do you love her enough to leave the relationship while you address your issues? Are you brave enough to not lean on this relationship while you learn how to create a safe place for a partner?You have dangerous habits because you don't know how to manage your own emotional pain. You can unlearn this; and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Sometimes, however, the relationship in which you have done the hurting is best ended, for both of your sakes, because too much damage has been done.I know you don't want to lose her, but you don't own her, and you don't have the right to trap her in this because you're afraid of being alone. Right now, she needs some space to figure out what's best for her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants. This is potentially the first step to learning real respect; honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort. I wish you well.


Context: I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I’ve never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I’m about to lose her, if I already haven’t. I throw things at her when I’m angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.

Response: Good for you for recognizing that a change has to be made quickly. Regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves your relationship, taking control of your anger needs to happen sooner than later. If left unresolved, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Have you talked to a therapist? I would suggest you take that step first. A therapist will help you explore the source of your anger and teach you new, adaptive ways of dealing with your anger. Until you're able to get some professional help, I would advise that you start recognizing when your emotions are becoming escalated and take a time out before the anger turns into aggression. If you feel yourself becoming heated, excuse yourself from the situation, go to a quiet place or on a walk, and practice some deep breathing. Clear your mind of the problem and focus only on your breathing as you inhale slowly counting to four and exhale slowly counting to six. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work right away. Deep breathing takes practice! Return to the situation or your girlfriend only once you have calmed down and are confident that you are not going to hurt anyone. You might also want to ask your girlfriend to remind you to take a break when she recognizes that your emotions are escalating. Know that with help and support, especially from a therapist, the issues you have can be resolved and new ways of coping can be learned. Good luck!


Context: I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He cheated on me and the woman is now pregnant. He is physically and mentally abusive towards me. I have attempted to talk with him in order to resolve our issues; however, he never wants to talk and often blames me for everything. I’m always there when he needs my help. He tells me although I help him doesn’t mean that I am a good person. He always discredits me as a woman and it’s hurtful. I spend most day crying and feeling lonely. I am unhappy and unsure of what I need to do.

Response: That sounds like a very hurtful situation. Unfortunately, without a batterers intervention course or a desire to change, the abuse cycle is unlikely to stop. I do not recommend that you try to leave on your own due that being the most dangerous time when in an abusive relationship. As an abuser, his goal is to control you whether it's through mental or verbal means. I recommend that you contact a domestic violence shelter in your area. I have worked closely with Harbor House of Central Florida and know they provide housing, transportation, and any other needed resources to women leaving an abusive relationship. There is help out there and you are not alone. If you need any additional resources in your area, please don't hesitate to contact me.


Context: I have a child with my baby mother. She works I take care of our young son. She says she is not cheating I have not found anything but she always putting me down, telling me to get out and telling me she doesn't love me, but then the next day after our fight she says she does. I'm having a hard time because before our child she said she was raped by a family member but she never went to the hospital or the cops. Now me and my family don't talk. She's always telling me I'm annoying and just belittles me. Nothing I do is right. She says I work you watch the baby. On her days off she never cooks or cleans. I have no friends or family and a couple months ago she was confiding to some guy, but says he's not any thing to her. What do I do? I don't want to leave.

Response: It sounds like you are in a tough situation. You have to ask yourself why you don't want to leave her. Is it because of the child? Or is it because you want the relationship to work? You must consider that being in an abusive relationship is not healthy for you or your child. So if the abuse continues, it would be more beneficial for you and your child to move out.On the other hand, if you are just wanting the relationship to work out despite its current state, you need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth salvaging. It seems as though you are very unhappy and undervalued in this relationship. Although your question revealed just a short bit of information, I didn't read about any positives in the relationship. Sometimes it's extremely hard to leave a relationship even though you know that the relationship itself is harmful for you. However, with time and focus you can do it. Each day will get a little easier and you have to trust yourself that you are making the right situation for you and your child.However, if you really feel that you want to stay in the relationship, you have to be upfront with her. You need to tell her exactly how you feel and give her specific examples of how she is hurting you. This gives her a chance to render the situation. If after this there is no improvement, I suggest that you start reconsidering your decision to stay.I also think it would be valuable for you to start engaging in things outside of the home that make you happy. Are there any hobbies you enjoy? Are there any groups in the area that you can join such as playgroups that will allow you to engage with other parents? Start looking into these options and finding an avenue for you to do something for your own benefit.It is certainly not healthy for you to isolate yourself from friends and family. You need to have additional support networks besides the one with your girlfriend, especially since this has not been a healthy environment lately.Thank you for reaching out. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship.


Context: I’ve known my boyfriend for several years. We were friends for a long time. In 2013 we started a relationship, and he even asked me to move in with him since I lived out of state. I planned to move in with him in 2014 after I finished school and he found a job. However, during this time we had a few arguments and broke up with each other for a short period of time. We decided later to make it work. Shortly after, I found out that I was pregnant. I wanted to tell him during his next visit. However, he never came to see me and instead asked me for money. After I gave him money, he quit answering my phone calls and texts.    Soon after, I experienced a miscarriage. I texted him about what had happened, and he didn’t seem to care. I was extremely hurt by this. I still decided to move back as I had originally planned. He helped me with the move and replaced the money I had lent him. During this time, I asked if he wanted to be in this relationship because I needed to know. Although he says he did, I hardly ever see him. He never got a job, which was in the original plan.    After that, we both started seeing other people for a short amount of time but once again got back together. Once we got back together, I cut all ties with the former relationship I had been in. I thought he had too. But I found out that he did not attempt to do as I did and was still talking with another woman. In fact, he had even sent inappropriate pictures to her. When I confronted him about this, he wasn’t apologetic. He said that he only did it to get even with me and was actually mad at me for looking through his phone. He even closed his car window on my finger and tried to throw me out of his car. I don’t know what to do.

Response: There are plenty of red flags that you have been presented with:Several breakups Not holding up his end of the bargain regarding workLack of empathy for your miscarriageLying about his involvement with another womanPhysical violence, which is of most concern. This seems to be a very unhealthy relationship. In my experience, relationships such as these rarely become positive ones. Violence is never okay and regardless of his reasoning (you looking through his phone), it is indefensible. You have to look at these red flags and ask yourself, “Is this really someone I want to marry? Is he an asset to my life?” I think you’ll realize he is not.Best of luck to you and please know that you deserve someone who treats you with kindness, dignity and respect.


Context: Now I have anger and trust issues. How can I treat this and fix myself?

Response: I will assume that for whatever reason, you either do not want to or are not able to seek counseling for this. However, I highly urge you to do so because long-term childhood abuse does have negative consequences for your life as an adult, as it seems you are already aware. There are confidential and free crisis hotlines that you can call that deal with sexual abuse. Some/most also offer free counseling services in local areas. That would be a good place to start looking, especially if cost of counseling is an issue.The important thing to know is that what happened was not your fault and that you deserve to live a happy life free of the past. Having anger and trust issues after something like this is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened to you. Angry? Yes! At your brother for what he did, at your parents for not protecting you. Having trouble trusting? Of course! The very people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you instead. Two books that might help you are Codependent No More and Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin.


Context: I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.

Response: Death of someone with whom we had fond involvement, is sad.   Accepting that a person is permanently gone from this earth, is unsettling and can feel painful.That you had no current contact with this person doesn't exclude the meaning or feelings from within your relationship with this person.     Relationships don't require a time measurement in order to affect us.   Your question acknowledges the process of adjusting to life without the chance to see or hear from this person again.It is normal to grieve so be gentle and not critical of yourself when you feel yourself missing this person.


Context: I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.

Response: Meditation may be able to assist you in dealing and looking at your anger differently. Anger is not usually just anger. Behind our anger may lie rejection, grief, loneliness, a longing to reconnect, etc. When we ignore or repress our anger, we are always ignoring these other emotions as well.Meditation is the midpoint between expressing and repressing anger. It allows us a space to stay present with it as it arises and recognize the many faces of anger. By doing this, we are able to become aware of our feelings to learn more about them and not be swept away by them. Learn more here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/4/26/meditate-to-manage-anger


Context: I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away.

Response: Awareness is the first step.  Now that you know that you snap and push people away, you can look into ways to control your anger.  If you give yourself the time to analyze why you experience anger, you will discover that there are other feelings underneath;  shame, frustration, disappointment, and fear are some of the feelings that we cover with anger when we are not ready to deal with them or don’t know how to express them.  So next time you feel angry, even if you snap (with practice you will be able to identify them ahead of time), identify why you are angry, and try to express it out loud.  A therapist can help you to learn assertive communication skill using examples drawn from your daily experiences.If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.¿Cómo puedo controlarme y a mi coraje?Exploto fácilmente y alejo a las personas.  Necesito ayudo antes de hacer que mi novio se aleje.Tener conciencia de la situación es el primer paso.  Ahora que sabes que explotas y alejas a las personas, puedes buscar maneras de controlar tu enojo.  Si te das tiempo para analizar porque te da coraje, descubrirás que hay otras emociones escondidas, la vergüenza, la frustración, la decepción y el miedo son algunas de las emociones que cubrimos con coraje cuando no estamos listos para revelarlas, procesarlas o expresarlas.  Así que la próxima vez que estés a punto de explotar, o cuando ya hayas explotado (con la practica uno aprende a identificarlas de antemano), identifica por que estas enojada e intenta expresarlo en voz alta. Un consejero te puede ayudar aprender técnicas de comunicación asertiva usando ejemplos de tu vida cotidiana.Si te gustaría hacer terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478.


Context: My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.

Response: You must be feeling frustrated about how to resolve this. Some people seem to really provoke emotional responses in us. One thing to learn for a quick review of yourself when you are provoked is to pay attention to your body. Notice your heart rate, fists clenched, some warmth going through your body and these are signs that the interaction is toxic for you. Move out of the room, say something calling to both of you and let things simmer down before responding. When you are able to calm your body, think of ways to bring the issue to her attention using positive words but holding your ground. If she doesn't listen ask someone to come with you to talk to her about it, If she still won't listen, reassess your expectations of her.Finally if you need to , you may have to consider changing the status of your rooming together.


Context: My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.

Response: Must you keep this roommate in your life?If you've tried speaking with the person about your unhappiness to feel angry "all the time" , the problem has been going on for an extended amount of time and nothing changes, then the next step would be for both of you to part ways.It is possible each of you triggers the other in very deep and irrational ways on occasion.If the choice is to tolerate being triggered or to dissolve the relationship, then your decision is which of these two choices is better for you.Since you already know you don't like to be triggered, parting ways as soon as reasonably possible, seems the choice you prefer.Either choice is fine.  Let the decision depend on which way makes you feel life is livable and happy!


Context: I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.

Response: Anger is a normal emotion, no different than joy, elation, or sadness. It's not anger that gets us in trouble it's the overtness of the emotion or how we allow it to manifest that gets us in trouble. Being able to control your temper depends on several variables: how you saw anger acted out as a child in terms of your primary caregivers and what you internalized as being normal in terms of managing conflict, and your communication style regarding how you confront problematic situations. There are some whose anger takes on a volcano effect whereby they don't readily address problematic situations but rather they continue to stuff their emotion until the right trigger causes them them to explode, and then there are those who are very impulsive in terms of how they react to stressful situations, they don't take time to think out situations or to make sense of them, they just impulsively respond. I would encourage you to seek anger management from a therapist who utilizes a Cognitive Behavioral approach in order that you may explore how your irrational thinking related to certain situations may be influencing your problematic behavior. In addition, I would encourage you to engage in activities that promote stress reduction if your blowups are indeed related to being overly stressed. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem that you need help in understanding and addressing, which you have, now take the next step in finding a therapist in order that you may learn to control your temper and undo some faulty wiring that may be related to how you process emotion, and communicate that you're angry. Remember, anger is the overt expression of some other emotion (i.e., disappointment, hurt, frustration, etc..) Hope this helps...


Context: I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.

Response: Well, yes, of course it scares them.  They see someone they love behaving is frightening ways.  That's a good reason to want to manage your emotions differently...but  what are your thoughts on your anger?  Do you think your angry feelings justify lashing out?  The thing is that feeling angry is just that...feeling.  Acting out is behavior and that affects everyone around you.  Do you need to manage your behavior, as well as your feelings?  My guess is that you do.First you need to pay better attention to your feelings "thermostat".  If you are always near "boiling" you don't have much margin for error.  It's in  your best interest, and  that of your family, to bring that temperature down.  That may mean more physical activity, meditation, journaling or some other outlet.The next, and bigger, question is what are you so mad about?  Or are you really sad, scared, confused?  Anger is a secondary emotion, much like pneumonia is a secondary infection.  Anger, which sets us up to defend ourselves against a perceived danger, is often a cover for feelings that leave us more vulnerable.  That means people who are grieving may exhibit rage; people who are scared may lash out.That doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it might explain it. Get in t o see a therapist ASAP.  You need a bit of help to identify both anger triggers and underlying feelings that get played out as anger.  You are not a bad person for exhibiting emotions, but anger can quickly become destructive - get help now!


Context: I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.

Response: Yes you can..  If you cannot control your temper, who can?  You have more power of your emotions, thoughts and feeling than you are giving yourself credit for.  If this is scaring your wife and child, you need to get control of it immediately.  Try going to an anger management class.  It will help to discover what is the root cause of your anger, what triggers it and how you can control/manage it.  If you can't go to a class, try self help books or even better yet counseling and support of a professional counselor.


Context: Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?

Response: Anger does have its place.  When anger is experienced often or the magnitude of it does not fit the scenario, such as your losing comb, the question becomes, what does losing that comb mean to you?  In the very split second that you have realized the comb is missing, there is a reaction that occurs within you, accompanied by an image or thought that like lightening flashes so quickly that you may not be aware what it is.  As Sherry noted below, awareness.  Awareness is fundamental.  Becoming aware of ourselves and what is happening internal that sparks it off.  The next time you feel angry from a "small thing", stop and ask yourself, why am I angry that this is lost?  Find out what you are thinking or how you are speaking to yourself.  You will become aware and once you are aware, steps can be taken to alter the experience for the better. A professional can assist with that!


Context: Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?

Response: I don't like the word "problem".  It is such a strong word.  However I would say that you have an issue that needs to be addressed and controlled before it directed at the wrong person and gets totally out of control.  I have found that anger management classes has been helpful for my clients.  Try and see if it will help.  You will be surprised at what you learn about your self.


Context: Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?

Response: Anyone who asks whether or not they have a problem, usually feels at least partly, that they do have a problem.Your answer to the question is what matters.Since you already understand that your reaction is overstated to the events which trigger them, the reactions you're having are more than likely anger that is leftover from past events, either in the near or distant past.Be aware, consider, reflect on  how you usually handle feeling angry.  Based on your description here, it is quite likely that the anger you show toward what you call "little things" reflect anger at much bigger matters that are uncomfortable and not easy to understand.Knowing more about the more significant matters causing frustration for you, may very likely decrease reacting angrily toward smaller matters.


Context: We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.

Response: You shouldn't need to educate yourself on violent outbursts.  He is the one in the position to change his violent outbursts.   They are his behavior, not yours.  All you're trying to do is have a relationship with this guy.The one task to do is during a quiet time to tell your boyfriend the way you feel about his outbursts.His answer, whether he denies having a problem, blames you for his problem, tells you the problem isn't so bad, why are you complaining, tells you a lot about his willingness to change.Whether or not he considers himself to have a problem and wants to change himself, is very good for you to know.This tells you what to expect from him in future.   You can reflect and plan ahead for your own life depending on your tolerance and willingness to live with what he answers you.


Context: We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.

Response: First, let me extend my compassion to both of you -- it sounds like you have a lot on your plates. Childhood trauma carries its negative effects into our adulthood and affects everyone who loves us. Your question is brief, so I'll just try to give general answers as best I can. From my experiences treating many people with your boyfriend's experiences, the short, healthy answer is that you can't fix the situation and maybe not even be able to help. He needs a professional. Period. What you can do, is take care of yourself. With his background, it is not likely that he will be able to help you or take care of you in a healthy way. Your task needs to prioritize your own safety and well-being. Trauma and substance abuse are the definition of being out of control, unable to set and manage appropriate boundaries, manage his own emotions and behaviors. So your boyfriend is unlikely to be able to change in the near-term, certainly not without professional help. You might also benefit from help and support, to understand your own role in your relationship and how you can make changes in your life. I am NOT blaming you for any aspect of your boyfriend's behavior, only acknowledging that there are two people in every relationship. If you have accepted your boyfriend's drinking and violent outbursts in the past (by staying in the relationship), that is likely to perpetuate his behavior. And there isn't any way to "handle violent outbursts." They shouldn't be handled at all, and if you have to be away from your boyfriend during his outbursts in order to be emotionally and physically safe, then that may be what you will have to do. We can never really change anyone else. The only person we can change is ourselves. Sometimes our behavior changes the odds of another person's behaviors, but it doesn't control it. I would recommend that you work with a professional to first, ensure your own safety above all. Then make decisions about what behavior you are willing to accept or be connected to, and which you want to separate from. Whatever your boyfriend does in his life, you will be happier if you manage your own feelings, set boundaries, etc. Let me say again that you also would benefit from some good insight and support as you continue your journey. Wishing you and your boyfriend healing and recovery.


Context: Any time things get heated, the past gets brought up. I raise my voice at her to try to get a point across. She asks open-ended questions but always has to turn my own answer against me. She's seven months pregnant. I have drank in the past, but I'm not dependent on alcohol—I only drink at social events.

Response: Have you tried to talk about the subjects of the past, in the present at a time in which there is no heat between the two of you?Since your gf would like to resolve situations from the past the best way to do so would be to talk about them.  The more you try to avoid certain subjects the more likely they will come up between you at worse possible moments.If you can get ahead of the pattern of old topics coming up without your control, then try scheduling a discussion about them.  This by itself will show your gf you care about what she cares about and this may be one quality she would feel good about.


Context: When I got home, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He got upset and he started hitting his face. That is the first time he has ever done that, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I locked myself in the room.

Response: Sounds scary to watch.  I agree with you!Maybe he felt so overwhelmed by anger, hurt and frustration that he went back to an old behavior from his past in which someone hit him for having strong emotions.Now that the incident is past, bring up the topic to him so the two of you can discuss it.Just the fact of you having empathy and caring what he was feeling at the time, may be restorative to him.At the very least, you may find out exactly what the answer is to your question as to why he did this in the first place!


Context: Everything just makes me upset.

Response: Anger often comes with a lot of other emotions. Consider what else you may be feeling at the same time and keep track of your different mood changes. You may be able to notice patterns, such as being more frustrated when you don't sleep well. If you do feel as though you are mad all the time, can you think of any exceptions so you can see what is different in those times?


Context: I get really mad easily at my parents and family.

Response: Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. If you are angry and you can talk about your feelings, that would be very helpful. Anger usually comes along with something else, like feeling sad, worried, overwhelmed, confused, and many others. Consider looking at what you notice in addition to anger and you may have a different starting point. If you get along well with friends and don't get angry with them, look at the differences. Do you feel criticized by your parents or family? Misunderstood? There could be any number of things.I wonder if you start getting angry very slowly and it builds or if it happens quickly. Try to keep an eye on the patterns and see if you can stop and look at what else is going on as you start to get angry. Anger is a real emotion in itself. It almost always connects to something else as well.


Context: My long-term girlfriend broke up with me recently. She says it's because of my anger.

Response: I need help controlling my anger.Anger is like a blanket that contains other emotion from bursting out and serves as a shield to protect us when we are not able to manage external issues.   Anger also helps us understand that there’s something wrong that needs to change.  Once we understand that something else caused us to feel angry, then we can explore the source of anger. Ask yourself: Why am angry, Am I hurt, disappointed, confused, embarrassed etc.?  Once you find the answer, explore how often that happens and what’s your reaction.  Then explore how else you could respond or react.  You could use I-statements as a way to communicate your true feelings to your girlfriend or whoever is involved in the scenario.  This is a good exercise to practice with your Counselor or mental health provider because many unresolved issues may arise during this exploration, especially if you have been angry for a long timeAlso, it is important to understand the difference between anger and aggression and learn to manage our anger before we act on it.  Anger is a feeling; aggression is when you act out your anger physically, verbally and psychologically.  Find ways to vent: crying or sweating will help to release your anger, and balance the chemical response that our body creates when you become angry.  Physical activity and meditation exercises can also provide a break when you manage strong emotions.Necesito ayuda para controlar mi coraje.El coraje es como una manta que cubre otras emociones evitando que se desborden y sirve como un escudo que nos protege cuando no podemos manejar problemas externos.  El coraje también nos ayudo a entender que hay algo mal que debemos cambiar.  Cuando entendemos que algo mas causo el coraje entonces podemos explorar la fuente.Pregúntate a ti mismo: ¿Por qué tengo coraje, estoy herido, decepcionado, confundido, avergonzado, etc.?  Ya que encuentres la respuesta, explora cuan frecuente tienes esa reacción.  Luego explora como puedes reaccionar en otra ocasión.  Puedes usar expresiones del Yo para comunicar tus verdaderos sentimientos a la persona envuelta en la situación.  Esto es un buen ejercicio para practicar con tu Consejero o profesional de la salud mental ya que otros conflictos sin resolver pueden surgir durante este proceso de exploración.También es importante entender la diferencia entre el coraje y la agresión, y aprender a manejar el coraje antes que actuemos.  El coraje es un sentimiento y la agresión es cuando expresas tu coraje agrediendo a alguien, física, emocional o sicológicamente.  Encuentra maneras de desagotare, llorar o sudar te pueden ayudar en este proceso al balancear la respuesta química que crea el cuerpo cuando estamos molestos.  El la actividad física y la meditación también pueden ayudarte a relajarte y tomar un descanso cuando manejas emociones fuertes.


Context: My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!

Response: If your son is reporting "extremely violent thoughts and dreams" please have an psychological evaluation done by a psychiatrist now before it gets even worse for him to bare.  Don't take his reports lightly.  For him  to tell you, he knows that something is not right.  He is seeking and needing help.  Get it immediately.  Best to be safe than sorry.


Context: My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!

Response: Let me start my stating this is important to take seriously - taking to his PCP, getting a referral to a pediatric specialist, and getting him to a relational psychotherapist would be my first tasks. I wont label this occurrences as "normal" yet it is important to note these things do occur. My first observation is to say that it is a tremendous advantage that your son is communicating what he is experiencing. I'd encourage him to continue to do so, no matter the extent of his thoughts - his trust of you being able the handle his experience is of utmost importance. His containment and sense of security is also dependent on your reaction to what he shares. Seek professional help, communicating your support, including a plan of action, and reassuring him you will figure this out together will help you as you begin.


Context: I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.

Response: With me knowing that a healthy relationship usually includes respect, trust, appreciation, companionship, spiritual solidarity, domestic support, feeling of being cherished, and  sensuous affection, I am wondering if you are lacking in several if not all of these needs in your present relationship.  Before he becomes your husband, you should examine these areas and see if they are high in rating.  Otherwise, yes this relationship will affect your girls and you negatively.  I would suggest relationship counseling, specifically pre-marital.  Not be surprised if through the process you realize that this relationship is not the best choice for you and your children.


Context: I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.

Response: My gut says that your own rage is being triggered partly because you feel trapped or shutdown by your fiance's moody/angry/rage responses and powerless to stop it. You can start by accepting that this is who he is and you won't change him. You can only change your own behaviours, and I see you taking responsibility for those, which is great. You want to protect your girls, and that's appropriate; children are greatly affected by this type of home environment. I urge you to see a therapist so you can understand your own emotions and sort out the choices you have to make, knowing that your fiance has to make his own choices about his behaviours.


Context: I have not been able to really sleep. I stay up all times of the night not even knowing why. Every day, I feel like I have anger inside of me. I have a little family, but I can't open up to them like I want to. I have a son, and I feel that I take my anger out on him by screaming at him.

Response: Best question is....what are you so angry about?  You can't stop being so angry until you figure out what is the root of your anger.  If you feel like you have anger inside, while I am sure you do.  Taking it out on your son is only passing on the hurt and anger.  This will be inside him too.  Get some professional help so that you can be happy and have a happy child.


Context: My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment.

Response: Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities.Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words.Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times.Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations.   Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory.If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express.


Context: Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

Response: Congratulations on making your way to Step One, self-observation and deciding to change a feature about how you understand and relate to others.There is extraordinary strength in being willing to notice your effect on others and consider what changes are possible.Start on the inside track of your own heart and mind.  Once you're able to understand what is driving your emotions to the point where the only reasonable way of handling them is to curse and offend people, you'd have gotten a long way in knowing your own expectations of others and how far off the mark from this in your mind, they are.For example, if you expect others to always be accepting, tolerant and happy about situations with your boyfriend, and you're hearing otherwise from people, then you can prepare yourself for possible, less than positive comments about your relationship, or you can ask people to not comment to you about your relationship at all.Basically, the more you know about yourself and are willing to accept your right to ask others to respect your views, the easier and calmer time you'll have in handling comments from others that you're not glad hearing.Also, this is a long process because you'd be trying to change long time and deep patterns of interacting.Be patient with your own learning curve and certainly consider therapy for yourself in order to have some outside guidance and support for the process you're placing yourself.


Context: Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

Response:
Taking accountability for your actions and seeking help is an excellent first step. I wonder where the anger is coming from. Learning what is at
the root of it can shed some light on what the problem is and can provide some
relief in itself. I would also suggest doing some self-exploration and see a
therapist for individual sessions in order to gain a clearer insight as to what
the cause is. There are also several actions you can take on your own to help
control your anger and communicate more effectively. Here is what I would recommend
you try:
Take time outs: When you feel yourself becoming upset, excuse yourself and
take a time out to either think about the most appropriate course of
action or redirect your thoughts all together. Often when we become
angry, it is difficult to see the issue clearly, as our emotions get in
the way.
Do deep breathing exercises: Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly to the
count of 4. Breathe out even slower to the count of 6. Practice this for about
5 minutes, 3 times a day and focus on nothing except your breathing during this
time. Once it becomes routine for you, it will be easier to apply during
situations in which you are angry or upset.
Change negative thought patterns: Try and recall or be aware of your
thoughts, particularly when you are feeling angry. What are these thoughts
telling you? Are they valid or logical? Is there factual evidence to support
the negative thoughts? Often the answer is "no." Learn to stop the
negative thoughts and replace them with logical and more positive
ones.
Communicate effectively: As a speaker, you want to use "I"
statements by telling the other person how you feel instead of blaming him/her
by using "you" statements. For example, you might say something such
as, "I feel sad when you don't come home at a decent hour and I don't get
to spend time with you" versus "You always stay out late and don't
even care about me." The speaker should also avoid using black and white
language such as always, never, etc. As the listener, you want to validate what
you hear so that the other person knows that you are listening. You will also want
to be responsive and offer fair solutions.
I wish you luck in using these tools and learning about where your anger comes
from.


Context: Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

Response: Hi California,I'm happy to hear you want to get a hold of this problem. Relationships don't tend to last when we treat people poorly. It is very possible for you to learn different ways of relating, with some strong effort. I would highly suggest working with a therapist, and I will give you a few things to think about in the interim.Sometimes anger is there because we feel something is unjust or unfair, but many times, anger is a "secondary emotion", and it's simply there to protect us from other, more vulnerable emotions that we would rather not feel and will do anything to avoid. Discovering what vulnerable emotions you are protecting yourself from is important. Perhaps you feel powerless, or unloved, or unimportant. It may take some time before you recognise this emotion. Once you do, you can ask yourself about the other times in your life when you have felt that emotion. Where did it originate? At what age did you feel "too much" of that feeling...so much so that you can't stand it even in tiny amounts?You will learn in therapy to identify the thoughts you have that are connected to that feeling. They are typically incorrect thoughts, like "No one lifes me", or "People will always hurt me". Fear tends to generalize and predict bad things that aren't likely.Your habit is so strong that you likely have a poor sense of self-worth and you don't believe people will love you...so you hurt them to keep them at a distance. This happens in a subconscious level. Do you see how that would help you to keep people off balance or afraid or a distance away if you didn't believe in your worth? So, it's backwards really, because you think you're getting mad at people who "piss you off", but you're really just not wanting to face how mad you are at yourself.In addition to this work, you can start to purposely treat people more kindly. Find out what respect is, make amends and  resolve to spreading peace. It might sound too simple, but if you act as though you're a person of peace, you will start to feel more peaceful.But I hope you do contact a therapist. It will take time and support to reach your goal.


Context: I don't know how to notice or express my feelings besides anger. That's really the only one i feel.

Response: Well, then give yourself some credit for noticing that you recognize at least one feeling that you have!What is your own theory as to what is difficult to know your feelings?  Your answer will give you clues as to unearthing your willingness to be aware of the way you feel.Sometimes the family in which someone grew up, did all they could to stop the kids from knowing who they were.In some families there were very severe consequences if a child spoke up with an independent mind.  By knowing where your difficulties started, you may very well be able to release the situation in which you learned to suppress your feelings.Also, spend some time with yourself just enjoying who you are.  Often, people who have difficulty in expressing themselves, suffered shame and humiliation as a child.  They have a chronic sense of worthlessness, and feeling worthless certainly works against self-expression.  By having a good time being with yourself, you may increase your self-appreciation and this will go a long way to believing that your feelings are worth knowing and stating.


Context: The sounds of eating and breathing gives me headaches—mostly mouth breathing and snoring. It makes me angry, and I want to solve it myself.

Response: Probably good to know in what type of situations you are, in which you are hearing mouth breathing and snoring.If you're sleeping beside your partner who does these actions, would have a different response than if you overhear mouth breathing and snoring from a family member who is napping on the couch and you are walking past them on your way to take a snack in the kitchen.Basically, if the person who does these actions which bother you, start by telling them.Depending on whether they are empathetic to how distressed you are from their sounds, or not, willing to change, or not, has a good deal to do with next steps.I don't really see any step you're able to take to solve that you are sensitive to human sounds from the head.One path I don't recommend is expecting yourself to ignore the fact of being feeling bothered, or dismissing your own sensitivity someone.Your needs matter.


Context:
I need answers to my anger, possessiveness, and urges.
 I am angry all the time. I push people away so much that I actually blow up on people now because they ask me how my day is or was. I have a possessiveness to someone who is not even mine. I have these urges to hurt someone really bad. I want to see them beg for me to stop hurting. I want to hear their agonizing pained-filled voices. What is wrong with me?

Response: What result are you hoping to get from the behaviors you describe?Maybe start by comparing the results you see yourself receiving from your current interactions, with how you would wish to feel from relating to others.Since you ask, "what is wrong with me?", there is a disconnect between what you are doing and what you'd like in return.This is true even with imagining doing harm to others.What are you really trying to accomplish for yourself by hurting others?Besides the unethicalness and criminality of this and legal consequences of arrest for such behaviors, what gain which is not evil, do you expect from overpowering and imagining you control another human being?


Context: I have a really bad temper. I get mad very easily then stay like that the whole day. I don't mean to be that way, but I can't help it.

Response: A lot of times the anger someone expresses is from feeling a deep level hurt within themselves.   A surface situation, like, a store told you they'd have delivery of a certain item by Tuesday, and when that particular Tuesday comes, the store doesn't have what they told you they would, and you are furious.The fury may have more with many times before in your life, having been deeply let down by someone who mattered to your life at the time, who similarly promised something and failed to deliver whatever it.If at the time of feeling let down by someone important in your life, the relationship didn't allow for honest expression of all your emotions, you'd have learned to hold in what you realized would not be tolerated if you expressed it clearly.Without practice of being heard when feeling hurt by someone, eventually the person, possibly you, learned to contain and contain your emotions.It is possible that the anger you feel at a variety of situations lately, are muting hurt feelings that you've understood from relating to meaningful people in your personal history, to not talk about.As a way to find out if you feel other emotions in addition to anger, take some time to reflect on what triggered your anger and whether its possible that hurt emotions which nobody whom you know wants to hear,  are really the underlying source of your upset.I hope you will enjoy some new discoveries about yourself and your emotions!


Context: I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.

Response: First off, it is great that you recognize that some changes need to be made. It is also really good that you understand where the source of your anxiety and stress comes from. Fortunately there are many self help books and internet sources that provide free tools to help you cope with life's obstacles, including anger management. There are several strategies that you can try to help control your anger, but the ones that I would recomend first are the following:1. Try a different way of communicating with your parents. Since arguing with them is a great source of anger for you, learning more effective ways of communicating with them will likely be of great benefit. Choose a time to talk with them about "heated issues" when everyone is calm and emotions are not heightened. Use "I phrases" by telling them how the arguments effect you, as opposed to placing blame on them. Validate what you hear your parents say in order to allow them to know that you understand their point of view.2. When you feel yourself becoming angry, take a break. Simply excuse yourself from the situation, find a quiet place to be by yourself, and do some deep breathing. Close your eyes, slowly count to four as you inhale, and exhale even slower, counting to 6. Focus on nothing except for your breathing and do this for 5 minutes.3. Stop any negative thoughts in their tracks. Often times when we get upset, we catastrophize and do not see things clearly. When you catch yourself thinking negatively stop the thoughts and ask yourself if your thinking is logical and rational. If you cannot find much or any evidence that your thoughts are valid, then let them go and replace them with realistic, logical thoughts.4. Finally, find a friend or someone to talk to and/or keep a journal. Keeping your emotions to yourself will not help you. Being able to express your feelings and problem solve will allow for some relief when feeling sad or angry.I wish you all the best!


Context: I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.

Response: I'm sorry you have so many arguments with your parents.  Ideally parents are people who tolerate that their kids are people with their own unique characteristics.Everyone likes feeling loved by their parent.   Do you feel loved even though you and them have clashes?Anger is a symptom of a problem.The real question is knowing what feels like its being hurt inside of you.I agree with your idea of talking with a psychologist or some other type of licensed professional therapist.See if your area has a family service agency in it.  Generally the non-profit sectors offer sliding scale fees, and if you qualify, your cost per session would be financially comfortable for you.One possibility is to tell your parents that you'd like starting therapy because of feeling so much stress from the family arguing.They may very well be surprised to learn of your maturity in assessing your level of stress and be willing to make a positive contribution to this by offering to authorize therapy through their health insurance. They may even decide on family counseling so all of you work together to relate in more loving ways.Last, if you aren't ready to speak with your parents about wanting counseling, think about speaking to your school guidance counselor.  This person may have some recommendations for your specific geographic location.


Context: I don't know what's with me. I'm almost constantly angry. Even when I'm happy, I still feel anger inside me. When I acknowledge it, it ruins my mood and takes over. I get angry at the littlest things. Even if I think someone said something they didn't, it infuriates me. Something perfectly normal can make me go off. When my anger flares up, I get a terrible pain in my chest that lasts for a while. It's like there is a fire constantly burning in my body, and anger is gasoline.

Response: Hi Nashville, I'm glad you want this to be different. It doesn't feel good to be angry all the time, and it's stealing your energy as well as affecting relationships, I'm sure.Working with a therapist, you can learn to recognise the deep emotions that lie underneath the anger. It's likely to be either powerlessness or worthlessness, and what happens is this... a small moment in the present touches on an old, tender, bruised emotion that we've simply felt too much of or too strongly in the past. We develop ways of avoiding these vulnerable emotions, and anger is one way of doing that. So, when someone looks at you in a certain way, or says something, you'd rather be angry than feel powerless, or unimportant (or whatever your kryptonite feeling is). In that moment, your instinct is to blame whatever happened, no matter how small, because that's the thing that happened just before you got mad. You fail to recognise that the problem is not the look on that person's face, or the shoe that someone left in front of the door...it's that you can't stand feeling something and you want to avoid it like you want to stamp your foot out if it's on fire.I suggest finding a therapist to work with. You can learn to take responsibility for your old emotions and find new ways to manage them. :)