Context: My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.

Response: Hi Biddeford,This is a super goal. Feeling powerless is something parents are wise to get used to; there's a creature in the home whose job it is to find and use their power in the family and in the world. Of course your toddler defies you, and that's healthy. I worry more about the overly compliant ones. She is wanting to know what the rules are, and all you have to do is show her clearly where the lines are. I'll give you some tips.First, remind yourself that it's her job to learn what the rules are, and where her power is. Don't be so surprised when she wants it her way. If we go through our days being ready and prepared for these beautiful creatures to have minds of their own, we're less caught off guard when it happens. Avoid situations that invite power struggles. Any time you tell your daughter "do this now", you set up a power struggle. The good thing is that she's young enough you can pick her up; now is the time to teach her that mom's (or dad's) word means something. So, if you say "let's get you dressed", then be prepared to pick her up right away and show her that when you say something will happen, you can make it happen. And I'm talking about gently picking her up here...not roughly. Pick your battles; only give instructions when you have the power to make it happen.Give her choices, so she can see her power. Instead of opening her drawer and asking what she wants to wear, give her two choices. Here's an example...she's on the ipad and you say ipad time is over. She says "no". You can say "ipad time is over. If you put it down, you can play later. If I have to take it away, you don't play it later." The choice is hers. Then follow through."When...then" statements are really helpful. Your child asks for something. Instead of saying no, try "as soon as the toys are picked up, we can have a snack". You're simply a pleasant parent who wants the same thing they do...but they have to earn it. Staying calm yourself is the key, because then at least you will feel in control of yourself, which is the ultimate goal. Use self-talk to calm yourself. Remind yourself her behaviour is normal and healthy. Breathe through a moment in which you would have reacted, and it will be over by the time the breath is done. You can give yourself time to think before you make parenting decisions. Time is a useful tool not enough parents use. Good luck!


Context: My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. Throughout the entire first day that we met, he and I had the opportunity to interact quite a lot and instantly sparked a deep connection with one another. That same night, he and a friend stayed over at my house (without my mom's acknowledgment) and we kissed. The next two days were a repetition of the first day. On the third night, my mother finally caught us, and I was kicked out of my house. I left with him of course, and we went from meeting each other to being like a married couple. It was very hard for us. His stepdad also kicked him out of his home, and we were staying at cheap hotels and friend's houses with the little money we had. I quit my job and dropped out of school because it was hard to do anything without a stable home. There were times when we had nowhere else to go but sleep in the car outside a Walmart parking lot. Our honeymoon stage, as they call it, probably only lasted one month. After that, it was a downward spiral. We were constantly arguing about money, food, and our families. We kept having the famous "you're doing it wrong—do it this way" argument. After six months, we moved across the country only to live the same thing, and that's when the violence started. One afternoon, after a serious argument, he got into his truck and threatened to leave me. I was frightened that he would actually go through with his word, given that we had just moved to a place where we knew no one. He told me to let him leave or he would hit me. He had once promised he would never touch me, so I challenged him to do it. He slapped me, and ever since that time, when we have serious fights, he loses control and hurts me. I haven't had the courage to leave him, and there's really nothing stopping me now. I don't live with him, I don't depend on him, and we don't have children. We both haven't been able to let go of that deep connection that we still have and that has been damaged so badly. He always apologizes, and at the beginning, he was more willing to change. Now he just wants me to understand why he does it and how I don't ever make the effort to try to be okay. I've read enough about domestic violence to know that it's not my fault that he loses control, so that's not even an issue for me. I know he has to change that on his own. I just want to know if there's people who have gone through this and had the tables turned? Is there hope for a better future together?

Response: Hi Winters, I learned a long time ago that I can't ever predict who will change and who won't. I meet couples who seem to have all the ingredients but can't make it work, and others who have severe issues and they decide to make better decisions and things change. But in reading your story, the image of a slot machine came to mind. You're gambling your life away on the chance that this guy will change. Only you can decide how many years to give it. I see him giving you clear signs that he doesn't even believe in himself or want to change though. What are you waiting for?Although you say you know his behaviours aren't your fault, something tells me that you're hoping your love for him will turn the key that unlocks something and makes him want to change. It doesn't work that way. Just like the slot machine, you have no power to change him or make this work. You can only decide when you've paid too much. I bet there's someone out there who loves and misses you. He's not your only support.


Context: My girlfriend broke up with me five months ago because I said awful things to her one night for no reason of hers. I have been trying to get her back, but it isn’t easy. She is in her 50s and I am in my 40s. She is the one I want for my life, and this is killing me. Every day, I cry, and I am desperate for help.

Response: New York, what would it mean about you if you got her back? Is that the only way you can like or forgive yourself...if she forgives you and takes you back? Your self respect doesn't need to rely on this working with her. She simply doesn't want to be with you, and every day that you refuse to honour her decision is another day that you hurt her all over again. Move on and heal, perhaps with the help of a therapist.


Context: I’m a teenager. My entire family needs family therapy, and more than likely individual therapy. My parents refuse to take action, and I'm tired of it. Is there any way I can get out of this myself?

Response: This sounds like a really tough situation.  As a teenager, you may be able to get counseling on your own (without needing your parents' consent) under some circumstances.  If your parents are refusing to consider counseling, you might want to try talking to your doctor or another trusted adult about finding some counseling resources - even without your parents' help.


Context: After a domestic abuse situation, I went to a therapist, and then my husband went. The therapist discussed her assessment of borderline personality disorder with me. She then told my abuser the results of my tests.

Response: It sounds like it may have been a violation of confidentiality for your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission.  There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however.  For example, when a therapist has a reasonable concern that a client (or someone else) is in imminent danger, he or she is generally allowed to disclose confidential information to protect that person.If you believe your counselor has violated your confidentiality, you can always contact your states' counseling regulatiory board.  The board will then investigate the allegations and can take appropriate action.


Context: I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to sex, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I don’t like it because all of my friends enjoy it.

Response: Although I am not entirely sure why you might be struggling in this area, an initial question I have is do you want to be sexually active at this time or is this something that you feel pressured into doing.?  If you feel pressured into being sexually active by your friends or boyfriend it is understandable that you want it to be over.  I would encourage you to ask your boyfriend to be patient with you at this time  until you figure out what is going on.  I encourage you to then think very deeply about what your reservations, if any,  about being sexually active.  Do you fear pregnancy?  Are there problems in the relationship?  Are you afraid of the emotional intimacy? Another question that comes to mind is whether or not you have any history of sexual activity that you did not consent to that might be getting in the way.   When these types of traumatic events occur,  people can essentially become triggered negatively by anything that reminds them of past trauma.  Such events can cause an aversion to sex even if there is now a loving relationship whom one wants to be sexually active with.  If this is the case I strongly recommend individual therapy to begin working through some of these issues. A final area that you might explore would be whether or not you are experiencing pain with penetration.  If so, I would recommend that you schedule an appointment with a gynecologist to rule out any type of medical issues that might be causing these problems.  Although pain can also be associated with emotional issues, it is always good to rule out possible physical causes.  I hope that these ideas help to point you in the right direction.  Take care.


Context: My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.

Response: That's a good question. I would say learn to pick your battles. What types of behavior/situations can you let go of? If you allow yourself to worry about the various areas in life that you cannot control, you will find yourself stressed out and unable to manage everything. Know that toddlerhood comes with lots of "no's," tantrums, non-compliance, and a growing need for independence. When your toddler does something that you don't approve of, remain calm, explain to him/her the appropriate way to act, and model it for him/her. Remember to give your toddler praise when he/she does something good or acceptable. Be consistent and follow through with your instructions. Finally, know that you are not alone. Parenting comes with its set of challenges but all you can do is your very best. Good luck to you!


Context: I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to sex, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I don’t like it because all of my friends enjoy it.

Response: Does your boyfriend notice that you hate sex?If "yes", then it is a topic which the two of you would gain deeper understanding of each other, by discussing.If "no", then possibly one reason for hating sex is that your boyfriend doesn't notice who you are as a person, not simply a physical body engaged in sex.


Context: Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand.

Response: Your fear is somewhat reasonable.  No one wants to be raped and I imagine everyone is afraid of what being raped would feel like.Do you mean that this fear is on your mind more often than you would like?If this is the case, then try understanding the reason behind your fear.Is it because you personally know or know of someone who was raped?  One general direction of what would help is to regain confidence in your decisions of keeping yourself safe.  The more you trust yourself to avoid social situations with lots of drinking, isolated physical surroundings, and being in isolated locations with someone with whom you're not very familiar, probably your fear will decrease.The other general direction to understand is if in your family history, people have been violated severely, either emotionally, mentally, or physically.In families in which people have suffered severe violations of themselves, often the emotional patterning of expecting to be hurt by others, plants itself very deeply and transmits to the younger generation.Its possible then, that you are suffering from fears established in other family members who have not yet been able to fully understand and accept their own suffering.The good news is that individual therapy, with a credentialed and licensed therapist, is ideal for a safe place to open and clear this type of emotional burden.


Context: I have no idea what happened. I go places and do things but still feel lonely. I honestly have no friends, and I am always the one texting people and bothering people. I feel invisible, like someone that no one wants to be around.

Response: A lot of times any and each of us creates what we need for ourselves by seeing other people as creating these circumstances and situations.Is it possible that at this time period in your life, being alone is positive for sorting through your true values or sorting through key situations in your life?If "yes", then possibly you are giving yourself some alone time, even though to some degree being alone is not your first choice.At the very least, since you aren't happy with being the one who texts others, then some alone time may encourage new thoughts and ideas creating more open space within you to attract other people who do enjoy texting you first.Also, most relationships are not forever.  Is it possible you are at a phase when some relationships are simply closing down so that you have clear space within your life for new and different activity?


Context: My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.

Response: Trust that you are a good mother and that you love your child.Trust and love are their own authority and come from a different inner place than the urge to be obeyed.Trust and love are effective guidance and usually feel happier and lighter too!


Context: I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?

Response: You are right on to recognize that the effects of trauma can be cumulative.  It is very possible that a car accident could lead to an increase in PTSD symptoms that were related to other traumatic experiences.If you have been deployed to a combat area, you are most likely eligible for free counseling services through the VA Vet Centers.  The Vet Center clinicians typically have a lot of experience working with military trauma. Here's a link to a directory of Vet Centers:http://www.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter.aspYour service and sacrifice is greatly appreciated.


Context: Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

Response:
Taking accountability for your actions and seeking help is an excellent first step. I wonder where the anger is coming from. Learning what is at
the root of it can shed some light on what the problem is and can provide some
relief in itself. I would also suggest doing some self-exploration and see a
therapist for individual sessions in order to gain a clearer insight as to what
the cause is. There are also several actions you can take on your own to help
control your anger and communicate more effectively. Here is what I would recommend
you try:
Take time outs: When you feel yourself becoming upset, excuse yourself and
take a time out to either think about the most appropriate course of
action or redirect your thoughts all together. Often when we become
angry, it is difficult to see the issue clearly, as our emotions get in
the way.
Do deep breathing exercises: Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly to the
count of 4. Breathe out even slower to the count of 6. Practice this for about
5 minutes, 3 times a day and focus on nothing except your breathing during this
time. Once it becomes routine for you, it will be easier to apply during
situations in which you are angry or upset.
Change negative thought patterns: Try and recall or be aware of your
thoughts, particularly when you are feeling angry. What are these thoughts
telling you? Are they valid or logical? Is there factual evidence to support
the negative thoughts? Often the answer is "no." Learn to stop the
negative thoughts and replace them with logical and more positive
ones.
Communicate effectively: As a speaker, you want to use "I"
statements by telling the other person how you feel instead of blaming him/her
by using "you" statements. For example, you might say something such
as, "I feel sad when you don't come home at a decent hour and I don't get
to spend time with you" versus "You always stay out late and don't
even care about me." The speaker should also avoid using black and white
language such as always, never, etc. As the listener, you want to validate what
you hear so that the other person knows that you are listening. You will also want
to be responsive and offer fair solutions.
I wish you luck in using these tools and learning about where your anger comes
from.


Context: I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.

Response: I can imagine how incredibly difficult this must be for you. Having past traumatic experiences creap up on you without warning can be very scary and stressful. You may be suffering from symptoms related to post-traumatic stress disorder. Getting evaluated by a professional would be a good step to take next. By seeking treatment and having a therapist who you trust and can connect with, you will gain the ability to think about your experiences without it significantly interfering with your daily functioning. A therapist can also help you to develop new coping stragies to be used during recall of these experiences and help you to adopt healthy thought patterns. I would also recommend that you seek support from loved ones. Sometimes just talking about your experiences and associated feelings will alleviate some of the emotional troubles you are suffering from. Lastly, you may find meditation or mindfulness work to be of great benefit. Having the ability to live in the present moment should reduce the effects of your traumatic experiences interfering with recalling your past or looking forward to your future. I wish you all the best!


Context: I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.

Response: Hi New York, There's no way to keep your past from affecting your present and future, because it's a huge part of who we are. The GOOD news is, though, that the effect doesn't have to be negative. I'm met many people who have horrific pasts and it helps them know confidently, every day, what kind of person they want to be and what kind of world they want to live in, and it helps them make really great decisions. You can accept your past, integrate your traumas and move forward in a very different way. If you see negative ways in which your past affects you (and this is also common), you are wise to seek professional help. Without knowing more, it's impossible to give you a lot of direction here. Basically, our past creates emotional "bruises" that are touch on and triggered by present situations. But our reactions are often about more than just the present moment. I think you know that.I wish you the best as you sort it out.


Context: Over the course of a few days, my wife was unsure about her feelings for me due to constant intimacy issues. After she thought things through, she came to the realization that she is no longer "in love" or attracted romantically to me. She instead has more of a platonic love and just cares for me as just "family." At that point, she said our marriage was over. Now over the course of the last few days, she has taken a "friendship" from a coworker. She insists there is nothing more than friends, but she has spent all her free time with him.

Response: Hi Portland,This must feel like your world is turned upside down, for your wife to declare her confusion, followed closely by resignation, followed closely by a new "friend". I get how upsetting this is.If I was your therapist, I'd want to explore this a good deal, because there are several possibilities concerning what might be happening. Be careful not to jump to conclusions. Sometimes people have been slowly "falling out of love" for a long time, and often this is due to some (perhaps unnamed) unmet need in the marriage. She may have been coming to this point over a period of time, and has only finally said so. It's also possible that your wife is going through some temporary crisis...she's changing and personally unhappy and blaming the marriage for it. Only she can help herself through this (she could get the help of a therapist, but it's not your place to tell her to do this). Or, it's possible she's met this new "friend" and her attachment to him has clouded her view, or clarified something for her.  Right now, it's important that you respect your wife's decision to separate, if she's asking for that. We can't trap people in a marriage. If she needs separation, or distance, then it's respectful to give her that.That doesn't mean that you have to give up on the marriage right now. I would seek the support of a therapist who can help you sort out what YOU want; whether it's to move on with your life, or wait patiently for a period of time. I can't predict what will happen here. But you can find out what the best path for you is. I wish you the best.


Context: My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesn’t want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?

Response: Hi Dillon,I'm from Canada, so I don't know the laws in your state. It depends on that a good deal, perhaps. In my opinion, a child should never be forced into a situation where they feel unsafe, even if it is "supervised". If the child is old enough to make a strong statement about not wanting to see a parent, then this should be honoured. Unfortunately, the laws don't always uphold a parent's right to do what is best for their child. I recommend you see a lawyer, who will advise you about how to proceed without putting yourself at risk of breaching custody agreements.If you feel your daughter can benefit from therapy, that is a separate question. Or is she already in therapy? A family therapist will typically meet with you alone first, in order to determine if therapy is a wise move for your child. It isn't always appropriate.


Context: My partner seems to always get depressed over the fact that his kids have to see and go through the divorce process. It’s especially when the mother of his kids keeps making him feel bad and using the kids as an excuse to get back at him. I feel like just telling him to go back with his family and forget about me.

Response: Hold on, Sanger! You know, I meet with a lot of people who are so sick of the crap that their ex puts them through in the divorce process that yes, they wonder if it's best to go back. I don't think so.If your ex is using the children to manipulate, or is generally controlling the separation process, that's confirmation that getting out was the right decision.Your partner feels powerless to change the current situation. Of course he does, because there are many things that are beyond his control (his ex's behaviours, for one). Accept the powerlessness. Lean into it. It's okay, because there are many things he does have power over, and that's where he can focus. He has the power to give his children a happy dad. That's HUGE. That's why he left, I'd guess. I bet the main barrier to him being happy is the guilt he feels. That's his ex's voice...that's what she wants him to feel...to give into that is letting her win. Ending a marriage in order to be happy is his right. He has not intentionally harmed his children. Hopefully he's aware that the separation has  affected them and he's working to create peace and balance in their lives, but he's can let go of the shame she wants him to feel; it's crippling him.He has the power to separate emotionally from his ex. He's not doing that when he lets her words control his emotions. He's still reacting to her. He hasn't completely left yet.A good therapist can help your partner regulate his emotions, combat shame, create emotional distance from his ex and erect proper boundaries. He needs your support in moving forwards, not going backwards. I wish you the best.


Context: Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

Response: Congratulations on making your way to Step One, self-observation and deciding to change a feature about how you understand and relate to others.There is extraordinary strength in being willing to notice your effect on others and consider what changes are possible.Start on the inside track of your own heart and mind.  Once you're able to understand what is driving your emotions to the point where the only reasonable way of handling them is to curse and offend people, you'd have gotten a long way in knowing your own expectations of others and how far off the mark from this in your mind, they are.For example, if you expect others to always be accepting, tolerant and happy about situations with your boyfriend, and you're hearing otherwise from people, then you can prepare yourself for possible, less than positive comments about your relationship, or you can ask people to not comment to you about your relationship at all.Basically, the more you know about yourself and are willing to accept your right to ask others to respect your views, the easier and calmer time you'll have in handling comments from others that you're not glad hearing.Also, this is a long process because you'd be trying to change long time and deep patterns of interacting.Be patient with your own learning curve and certainly consider therapy for yourself in order to have some outside guidance and support for the process you're placing yourself.


Context: I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.

Response: Sorry that your growing up years in the family were so unsafe and painful.Everyone has family legacy patterns of behavior and ways of handling emotions, handed down to them simply by living.All of what any child observes and how they are treated within their family context, creates their foundational expectations of others.The best way of releasing yourself form hurtful interaction patterns is by being aware of your own feelings and intuition within close relationships.If you have a similar sense of hurt or that something is wrong, yet in a familiar way, then most likely you are in a relational pattern similar to the negative ones in your family of origin.This realization moment is your chance to more deeply see your own original trauma and try different ways of responding to these similar key situations.This type of work takes a lot of repeated effort because trauma is deep and childhood trauma is attached to loving ones parents.Expect slow progress and expect more than a few tears.If it feels overwhelming then a therapist for guidance and support would be very beneficial to the work you'd be doing within yourself.Sending lots of good luck!


Context: My boyfriend recently got a kitty. I hate cats in general, and he knows it. It grosses me out and makes me very upset when he pets his cat. I want to throw out the cat. I feel very jealous.

Response: Sorry for you and sorry for the cat because you're each in a tense position.What was the context of your boyfriend adopting a cat since he was aware that this would likely cause problems in the relationship with you?If you don't already know his answer, then find out.  Doing so will tell you a lot about your boyfriend's expectations about you.  Does he expect you to accept without question, whatever he does?  Does he care about your views?  Does a cat have some deep meaning for him that having one is essential to his life and he never told you so?Please don't be mean to the cat.  Its not the cat's fault for being in your boyfriend's care.There are plenty of other cats on this earth so throwing out the cat will not solve anything between you and your boyfriend.Who knows, your boyfriend may come back home with three more cats!Start with a conversation about your feelings and his interest in your feelings.


Context: My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesn’t want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?

Response: Has the father or the visitation supervisor contacted you regarding why your daughter hasn't shown up for the past three years' worth of supervised visitation?Or is the supervised visitation a new development for the bio dad and your daughter?If no one is pressuring or expecting your daughter to show up, no one has even asked where she is, why she isn't present, then I don't see any reason for you to offer more effort by your daughter, than the father is willing to make for seeing her.If your daughter is willing to talk with a therapist, then let her find out first hand if the sessions seem useful or not.The one move I'd avoid is to force your daughter to go to a therapist since growing up in a household in which child abuse took place, being forced may remind her of her own feelings from this past, of feeling no one heard or cared about the way she wanted to be treated.


Context: Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

Response: Hi California,I'm happy to hear you want to get a hold of this problem. Relationships don't tend to last when we treat people poorly. It is very possible for you to learn different ways of relating, with some strong effort. I would highly suggest working with a therapist, and I will give you a few things to think about in the interim.Sometimes anger is there because we feel something is unjust or unfair, but many times, anger is a "secondary emotion", and it's simply there to protect us from other, more vulnerable emotions that we would rather not feel and will do anything to avoid. Discovering what vulnerable emotions you are protecting yourself from is important. Perhaps you feel powerless, or unloved, or unimportant. It may take some time before you recognise this emotion. Once you do, you can ask yourself about the other times in your life when you have felt that emotion. Where did it originate? At what age did you feel "too much" of that feeling...so much so that you can't stand it even in tiny amounts?You will learn in therapy to identify the thoughts you have that are connected to that feeling. They are typically incorrect thoughts, like "No one lifes me", or "People will always hurt me". Fear tends to generalize and predict bad things that aren't likely.Your habit is so strong that you likely have a poor sense of self-worth and you don't believe people will love you...so you hurt them to keep them at a distance. This happens in a subconscious level. Do you see how that would help you to keep people off balance or afraid or a distance away if you didn't believe in your worth? So, it's backwards really, because you think you're getting mad at people who "piss you off", but you're really just not wanting to face how mad you are at yourself.In addition to this work, you can start to purposely treat people more kindly. Find out what respect is, make amends and  resolve to spreading peace. It might sound too simple, but if you act as though you're a person of peace, you will start to feel more peaceful.But I hope you do contact a therapist. It will take time and support to reach your goal.


Context: My son stole my debit card and lied about it. It's not the first time he has lied. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should punish him or make him do something. I've tried talking to him and asking if anything was wrong. I have grounded him, but nothing works. What should I do?

Response: Hi Enid, You sound like a sensitive parent; I like that you talked to your son to see if anything is wrong. There is some key information here (I don't know your son's age, whether he spent any money, whether he put the card back, or how many times he's stolen), and my answer might be different depending on those details, but I'll give you my thoughts.I see it as every child's job to figure out the rules and find where their power is in the world. In order to accomplish that, many of them test limits. "What can I get away with?" is a question they have to find the answer to. If a child knows the rules, they're much more likely to not test limits (because they already know the limits). So, part of testing limits is experimenting with stealing and lying. Not all kids steal, but I would say pretty much every child lies at some point. It's a normal behaviour, and most of the time it's about small things that don't matter and we don't even find out. Stealing a debit card is a bit more serious, and I'm not surprised he lied about it. If you absolutely know that he took it, it's okay to tell him that you believe he did this thing and also lied about it. It's appropriate to give a consequence for this type of behaviour, so that the child doesn't do it again. The consequence should be as natural and logical as possible. The behaviour (stealing) was harmful to you, so doing you a favour with extra chores might be a good idea. It's funny, because as parents we try to tell our kids that lying is bad, but they know they'll get a consequence if they tell the truth so there are natural deterrents to being honest (we don't want people to know our mistakes). It's a dilemma. If you really want to focus on the lying part, you can tell him that you won't give him a consequence for the lying if he decides to come clean with the truth within one day. That gives him incentive to come to you with truth. It sometimes works with kids to give them a chance to come clean and then reward them for telling the truth. You can set your child up for success and train them to tolerate honesty. Put a cookie on the counter. Tell your child to take the cookie at some point in the day. Then ask them later if they took the cookie. You're making honesty fun. Kids love games. Basically, there's as much power in rewarding the positive behaviour as punishing the negative. If this is the first serious offence for your son, don't make a big deal of it; consequence him and see if he learns. If it's a pattern, that's different and you may want the input of a therapist.


Context: I was hanging out with my close guy friend. We started kissing, but afterwards, he said that we should just stay friends because he doesn't want to ruin anything. We both just got out of relationships. His was very sexual. I'm not a sexual person, and he knows that. I want to be with him, but I'm not ready for another relationship, and I don't know if he ever will want to be more than friends.

Response: Given that both you and your friend recently ended your respective romantic relationships, kissing each other sounds like each of you satisfied a very natural need which for right now does not has a natural source of satisfaction.Suddenly being without a partner is difficult because a relationship absorbs and offers much of a person's energy. Stay focused on what you know about yourself, which is that you're not ready for another relationship.From what you describe about your friend, similar to you, he does not feel ready for a new relationship.If and when you feel ready to enter a new relationship and your friend seems attractive, then you'll be in a position to find out, either by approaching your friend as a potential partner, or by asking your question of his interest in you.Who knows?It is possible your friend will feel ready for a new relationship, approach you, and depending on your personal wishes to be or not be with who he has become, accept his offer.Good luck with Step One, becoming familiar with your new state of single hood, and sorting through the good news and bad news of your most recent relationship.


Context: It's been almost a year since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me after he cheated on me many times. I had found out about a month before, but I hadn't told him I knew because I didn't want us to break up. I used to have very low self-esteem, and I think it might have to do with my dad being an alcoholic. My father cheated on my mother when I was little. I wonder if this pain has to do with that. My ex-boyfriend and I were only dating for five months, but I still can't get over this betrayal. I'm not sure what to feel to get over it: forgiveness? Hate? He helped me financially after our break up by lending me $3000, so I'm grateful for that. I still hate him for what he did and still want him to like me although we're not even talking anymore. We follow each other on Instagram and that's it. I feel like I still need his validation. This is haunting me day and night. I want to focus on my new relationship and goals, but I keep obsessing over this and keep checking my ex-boyfriend's Instagram and Facebook. I feel so bad and keep having nightmares.

Response: The dilemmas you present are giving you a great chance to understand your true reasons for being in a relationship.Continue developing some points you've written here.That you grew up sensing and/or witnessing your mom's emotional pain from your dad cheating on her, very likely set a standard in your inner self, to expect similar circumstances in your relationship life.This is a natural dynamic which happens for all of us.  What we observe in our growing up households is what we understand as "normal", no matter how bad it actually is.After all, children don't have the ability to separate that what their own parents do, is wrong compared with the rest of our culture.It is natural to long for a relationship.What you have the chance to do now, is distinguish the reasons for your longing.Is it to attach to someone who has hurt you, hasn't shown you any understanding of having hurt you, and whose validation, even if he says validating words, has little meaning because people who validate are not the ones who harm us?If you're able to teach yourself that those who love us do not harm us, and to develop new expectations for yourself of feeling good from how your partner treats you, then you will be showing yourself a road that will benefit you for your entire lifetime.


Context: I just had a newborn. When I brought him home, my mom told me to leave. Now I'm in a women's home. I don't see my boyfriend that often because he works. The women's place is helping me find an apartment so I can go back to work and get child care.

Response: Congrats on the birth of your son!Was your mom's request for you to leave her house, one which she asked awhile ago or was this her greeting when you walked in the door?My question is whether your mom had some changed circumstance in her life, whether she and you discussed living arrangements prior to your son's birth, or whether nothing was talked about, you assumed you'd be living with her, she assumed you wouldn't, and the two of you didn't speak to one another about any of this.Depending on the answers, there may be clues as to handling future expectations of others, especially your mom.From what you write, the women's home is supportive of your basic daily living needs.   It is good news that the people who run this home know and offer community resources.In your interactions with the staff of the women's home, ask all the questions necessary so you'll have a clear understanding of the apartment lease, anything at all that is on your mind about becoming employed and finding childcare.The point is to have all the major steps you're about to start, addressed.This way, you'll be minimizing the possibility of any sudden bad news by the women's home, told to you.Sending lots of good luck!


Context: I have been married for 20 years. He and I both cheated. I hid my cheating for 14 years. Over that time, I let life stress me out. I became depressed. When I finally woke up, he felt I had pushed him out.

Response: Do you both want to fix the marriage?The relationship belongs to both of you so that one working without the other cooperating in this work too, will have one person who does all the changing.This dynamic itself creates problems of its own.About your husband telling you he feels pushed out, did he do anything on his own to address his problem of feeling like this?All you state is that he blames you for creating a situation he didn't like.If he did nothing because he felt unsure what to do, anything which shows he understands he has as vital a part in the marriage as you, is ok.Because affairs create mistrust between two people, the two of you would also need to be very aware to regain each other's trust.Talking as much as possible so you both know what goes on in the life of the other, how you each are feeling, what matters to you, is helpful to grow a new foundation for your marriage's future.


Context: My ex-boyfriend boyfriend and I lived together. He had a two year affair with a girl and had three pregnancies with her. One was an abortion, another was a miscarriage, and then she had the third baby. They are not together, but he continues to contact me and wants me back. He has nothing to offer me.

Response: Hi Attica,This is a question I think a lot of people deal with...they feel confusion about why they can't forget about or get over (or stop connecting with) someone who they absolutely know isn't good for them. In your case, part of the problem is that he keeps trying to get back in touch with you. For some people, honestly, it's a game... to see how much power they have over you or it's their need to control you. If you don't want contact from this person, it's really important to give him clear messages about boundaries ("Don't contact me again"), and then ignore all of their communications. Any interactions or responses from you at all will feed their behaviour. Remind yourself why you don't want to be with them. I hear you doing that already when you say "he has nothing to offer me". That's great self-talk.But let's get back to the question of why we have a hard time letting go of people like this. Sometimes it's because we still hope they will change. Maybe we remember who they used to be or how they used to treat us, and we think it can go back to the way it felt in those "good old days". The problem there is that, over the first few years, as intimacy grows, people tend to show more of who they are, not less. So what they're eventually showing you is who they are and what they're capable of. People do change and grow, but it won't happen at your pace. Accept that person for who they are and stop expecting them to change. Another reason we can't let go is because we picture our ex with someone new in the future and we wonder if they will be a better person for the next partner in their life. This is a normal... but not a healthy... thought. It's as though we want them to stay, maybe apologize, and heal our hurts; maybe make up for past mistakes. You deserve that healing, you deserve better than you got, you deserve apologies, but to expect that from the person who hurt you and hasn't demonstrated that compassion as yet is probably foolhardy. It is my belief that underlying some of the above scenarios is the deep belief that we must somehow be responsible for the hurts our exes have caused. If you blame yourself in any way for someone's poor treatment of you, you will be dancing around trying to do things differently so that they can treat you better. It will be impossible to let go, because you blame yourself for their behaviours.Draw a line. Their behaviours are about them, not you, and the only solution is to challenge and reduce thoughts of them, and create physical and emotional distance. These things plus time will help the events of the past fade from importance.


Context: I was never like this. Recently this year (my first year of high school), I started getting emotional for no reason.

Response: Hello Vancouver, It's really common for people to become very upset over small things sometimes. The small thing is a "trigger", and the emotions aren't so much about that event that's happening in the present; they are more connected to old events that evoked the same feeling. You've likely had too much of that feeling in your life and you've developed a sensitivity to it. Look at the small events that are triggers for you and ask yourself what same or similar emotion they evoke. If there's anger there, look underneath that. Is it powerlessness, worthlessness, hurt, shame...?  Then ask yourself when in your life you've experienced TOO much of that feeling. As a child, maybe, but not necessarily. That's the first step, and combined with empathy, compassion and self-esteem, you're starting to build what I call an emotional air conditioner. A good therapist can help you with the rest of this process and with learning ways of coping with emotions daily. I wish you the best.


Context: I have a really bad temper. I get mad very easily then stay like that the whole day. I don't mean to be that way, but I can't help it.

Response: A lot of times the anger someone expresses is from feeling a deep level hurt within themselves.   A surface situation, like, a store told you they'd have delivery of a certain item by Tuesday, and when that particular Tuesday comes, the store doesn't have what they told you they would, and you are furious.The fury may have more with many times before in your life, having been deeply let down by someone who mattered to your life at the time, who similarly promised something and failed to deliver whatever it.If at the time of feeling let down by someone important in your life, the relationship didn't allow for honest expression of all your emotions, you'd have learned to hold in what you realized would not be tolerated if you expressed it clearly.Without practice of being heard when feeling hurt by someone, eventually the person, possibly you, learned to contain and contain your emotions.It is possible that the anger you feel at a variety of situations lately, are muting hurt feelings that you've understood from relating to meaningful people in your personal history, to not talk about.As a way to find out if you feel other emotions in addition to anger, take some time to reflect on what triggered your anger and whether its possible that hurt emotions which nobody whom you know wants to hear,  are really the underlying source of your upset.I hope you will enjoy some new discoveries about yourself and your emotions!


Context: About a month ago, I went through my boyfriend’s phone and found him messaging his ex-girlfriend that he was dating before me. He gave her a promise ring when they were together, and he still had it hiding in his memory box in our son’s room. I found many things on his phone, but that broke my heart the most. He deleted all the messages but two. I can't help thinking they were talking about the old times together or something like that. It really kills me, and I can't stop thinking about it.

Response: Your sense of hurt is very understandable.Do you and your boyfriend have an agreement on looking through each other's phones?I ask because the overall problem sounds like lack of trust and that there may be a difference in what each of you wants and expects from your relationship.Probably if the two of you talk about these topics and you each become clear as to the commitment status of each of you to the other, you'll have more clarity as to what either of you would like from the other.With this new level of clarity, his  past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful .Once you have clear definition of the two of you as a couple, who he was as a past partner to someone else, will matter very little.


Context: I noticed lately that I've been thinking a lot about death. I don't want to die, and I'm not suicidal. I just think about what would happen if I died or if someone I loved died. I imagine how sad everyone I know would be. I know it isn't worth it, and I definitely want to live and have a future. I just think about it. When I'm driving, I sometimes imagine what would happen if I just let go of the wheel and kept going.

Response: I'll respond to your speculation that if you let go of the steering wheel while driving, you'll end up quite seriously hurt, at the very least.   It is fine to play in your mind with "what ifs".   People who write horror movie scripts most likely have some terrible sounding stories and suppositions.If you trust yourself to actually not follow through with an idea that may kill you, and you recognize the difference between thinking dangerous things and doing dangerous things, then go to the next step of understanding more about your thoughts on death.Since you wonder about being missed if you die, it is possible your thoughts about death are from feeling that you are metaphysically dead to people in your life whom you wish would show more interest in you.Play around with your idea as to why you'd consider how people will feel about you if you're not in their lives.This may offer some insight as to your expectations of current relationships with others.


Context: I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way.

Response: Hi New Jersey,You talk about two very big changes in your life that have happened lately; the diagnosis/anxiety, and the moving in together. That's a lot!I love how you recognise that you been 'questioning everything'. I think anxiety's got its toe in the door and it's pushing you around, wanting some power over you. Fear and anxiety try to convince us that we need protection and that it's best to either pull away or fight. But letting anxiety control how you see your relationship isn't the answer here. I think you know that already.You must have moved in with him for a reason, and it's appropriate now to simply trust that, to ask him for some patience, and to focus on learning to manage the anxiety rather than questioning this decision to move in. Fear is getting in the way of you trusting yourself and your decision. You can figure the anxiety piece out while living with your boyfriend.When you're in a bit of a crisis is not the right time to make a major change. I suggest you use a therapist who works with cognitive behavioural therapy to learn to manage the anxiety, and then the relationship will likely seem more clear.


Context: My husband and I have been together for seven years now. I will be honest: I have a problem lying to him about stupid stuff. I recently stupidly lied to my husband about an accident because I was afraid to tell him what happened. Ever since then, he gives me the cold shoulder. He gets so mad and ignores me for days. He's really verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me all the bad things about me and calls me awful names. Should we call it quits? I'm tired of crying, but we have a toddler together.

Response: Hi Texas, Thanks for your honesty; it helps me know where to go in answering you. What strikes me in your question is that you describe several ways in which your husband is hurtful/abusive/controlling with you, and then you ask "Should we call it quits?". We? I wonder if maybe the first step is for you to start seeing this decision as yours, rather than yours together. The way your husband treats you is not your fault, Texas. Your lies are a natural and normal way of you avoiding situations and encounters that feel unsafe for you. The problem is not your lying. The problem is that you don't feel safe enough to be honest with a person you're supposed to be able to trust.There's an analogy that I sometimes use; I don't know if this is scientifically true or simply a useful story, but it's powerful either way, so I will tell it to you.If you take a frog and drop it into a pot of boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately, knowing instinctively that if it stays in the pot, it will die. If you take a frog, however, and put it in a pot of cold water, and slowly, slowly, heat it to boiling, the frog will boil to death because it will fail to recognise the moment when it no longer has the energy to jump out of the pot; by the time it realises it's dying, it has lost its strength. It's called "learned helplessness". When your power or your voice has been taken away for a long time, you get used to that, and you fail to see the options that are available to you. You have a toddler, and you may be under the impression that staying in the marriage is best for the child. In my experience, and what research backs up, is that children first and foremost need a safe environment and parents who are happy. You are likely underestimating the effects on your child of living in a home with woman abuse. This is a complex picture, and if you were my client, I would want to get you to a stronger place emotionally where you're seeing the situation clearly and gathering resources and supports before you make any big decisions, but I do see that there are decisions that are there for you to make that can lead to a happy life for you and your child. I sincerely hope you seek professional help, with either a shelter for abused women or a therapist. I wish you the best.


Context: I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (I’m a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own.

Response: Hi Georgia, There's a really good lesson here. People tell us things, and we tend to think that's the truth...but it's not! I'll do some translating for you..."You're so ungrateful" means "I need you to be successful and happy in order for me to feel I'm a good parent"."You're too young to be depressed" means "I don't want to deal with your mental health issues right now. I'll pretend it's not happening so I don't have to face my fear and shame"."It's only going to get worse" just means "I don't know how to support you beyond scaring you into wanting to at least fake happiness for my sake".Your parents are being unsupportive, not because you're not suffering, but because this is all they're capable of right now. They are not where you will find the support you need, so keep looking for it in other places. It's out there. If might be an aunt or a friend, or a friend's aunt. It might be a therapist or a bus driver or your family doctor. Keep looking for someone who will hear you. I hope you don't ever give up. :)


Context: I was texting a guy who wasn't my boyfriend, and my boyfriend found out. We work together, so he went to work and told everyone I was cheating on him. I moved out of the house. There have been previous problems, and I feel like I'm usually the issue here. In order for us to move on, he wants me to sign this contract that he wrote out listing things he doesn't want me to do anymore. I'm wondering if this a healthy relationship to save or if I should walk away.

Response: Hi Dallas, While I think it's healthy for both members of a couple to have things that they need from each other and to talk about that, your situation sounds one-sided and rigid. Will you have a list too? There are elements of control here: humiliating you in front of coworkers, saying you have to sign the contract before you can move forward...does he decide when you move in and out? Your passive aggressive communications with the other man and your difficulty in knowing what direction you want also hint that maybe you don't have a voice in this relationship. Do you have a voice? If you are uncomfortable with the contract, are you listening to your own voice? If you can't hear your own voice, maybe it's time to sit down with a therapist and strengthen yourself so you can at least know what you feel and want.No relationship is all good or all bad (wouldn't that make it easy?) Relationships don't come with billboards that tell us what to do. They don't come with crystal balls that tell us what will happen (except that past behaviour is a good predictor). You have everything you need in order to make the best decision for you right now, except clarity, and his control may be what is making things muddy for you. You're too busy blaming yourself to see the situation clearly. A therapist can help you stop blaming yourself and see what your situation is.


Context: I am on my own with my daughter. I am so worried and stressed about her.

Response: Your instinct to help your daughter, is natural.How you proceed depends a lot on whether she recognizes she has a psychological and emotional problem, or if only you see this from observing her.Also, her age matters a lot in what way would be most likely to succeed in addressing the problems you describe.If you and your daughter have different opinions as to whether or not she has problems, and she is above the legal age of when you have authority over her life, then you can only suggest to her that therapy may benefit her.If your daughter is in your legal control, then you can locate a counselor nearby, discuss your situation with that person, and depending on the outcome, you'd be within your parenting right to take your daughter to a counselor.Starting therapy without willingness to do so, is risky.  The person may feel resentful enough to not participate.   And, sometimes the counselor is skillful enough to find a path to your daughter, or any patient's self-interest and engage them in therapy.Family counseling, regardless of your daughter's age, is another way to bring your concerns to your daughter's attention, in a therapy environment in which a counselor would be able to help distinguish the seriousness of your daughter's psychological problem, from simply a difference in viewpoints between you and your daughter, in how to handle certain situations.Also, if you believe your daughter is a threat to herself, then instead of this slower route, get in touch with the emergency psychological assessment service in your town, for a more immediate response.


Context: I don't know how to have emotions. I never had any from my birth. Being human, I think of myself as a monster. I enjoy pain. I cut myself for my climax during sex. I think most of the time, I lie, even when sometimes it would have been easy just to tell the truth. I was in rehabilitation for four year. I have made love with both men and women, but it made no impact in my emotions. The books that I enjoy reading H.P. Lovecraft and Edgar Allen Poe. I go hunting every Saturday. I feel powerful. I don't enjoy the killing of the creature, but the hunt of it and to eat and drink the flesh and blood of the creature.

Response: I'm not sure that you don't feel emotion or that you are frightened of the depth of your emotions. From what you write, the context of your growing up years had people telling you to not feel.  Little kids and babies don't remember whether or not they had emotions since birth.  This is information someone told you or was part of your family system.Possibly your family was afraid of their emotions or of you knowing yours.Similarly, your comparison of being human means being monster like, is not an obvious connection.  Besides, monsters are an idea, they aren't real.  They embody what someone considers the worst qualities of themselves or the human species.  Again, I wonder whether you've taken on stories you heard growing up about how unacceptable and bad you are.A way to start learning your emotions is to start in simple, basic ways to ask yourself what you are feeling in the situations that you believe emotions would belong.If on the first bright sunny and warm day of the year, you remind yourself to notice what you're feeling in response to this, you'll be taking one step toward awareness of your emotions.If someone buys you a birthday present, be aware of how you feel.  Keep adding awareness to situations and see if this builds an ease with feeling emotions.


Context: I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way.

Response: How is your boyfriend responding to your discomfort around him?Has he told you that he's noticed changes in you?The good news about a relationship is that you can talk about matters with the other person.  Doing so can only help clarify feelings and what either of you expect from the relationship.  Given that the two of you recently moved in together, it is natural for new dynamics, feelings and expectations to arise.  It just adds to the reasonableness of talking with each other about how living together feels to each of you.Psychiatrists earn their living by diagnosing people and telling them to take pills.  Very often, just being told the person has a "condition" makes them feel fragile and less capable than they actually are.Anxiety and panic attacks do mean that there is a great deal of emotion and situation needing to be addressed.It is the normal sign of having to address many or deep matters.   Be patient and give yourself time to learn the details of your relationship and whatever the career particulars are that are bothering you.   You're apparently self-aware since you're the one describing your own problematic situations.  Keep the label of being "disordered", aside.  Psychiatry labels do more good for psychiatrists than they do for people who are trying to live their lives.


Context: My mother-in-law is mentally ill. She has been for most of her life. She cuts herself. She has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for about 40 years. She has voices in her head that tell her to cut herself. She has had multiple shock therapy treatments, and she’s on enough medication to take down an elephant. Her parental rights for her two children were taken away from her when my husband was a boy—he is now in his late 30s. She doesn’t even have custody of herself. She hasn’t asked yet, but she has been insinuating that she wants to babysit my child. How do I go about saying no without creating an issue?

Response: Hi Fontana,Thanks for providing all the details needed in order to respond to your question. It seems very clear to me that "no" would be the appropriate response. I like your healthy boundaries, and I'll help you explore possible ways to respond to her. First, she hasn't asked yet, and you don't know that she will. Right now, you can pleasantly ignore her hints. They're not hurting you and if you ignore them, they're more likely to go away. You can address and reduce your own anxiety about the possibility of her asking by reassuring yourself that you have the right as parents to make this decision, and that if she's offended, that doesn't mean that you're being mean; it means that she has unrealistic expectations. So, the first goal is to put it out of your mind as a worry. You might never have to face that moment. But, I understand that you want to be prepared.As her son, perhaps your husband is the best one to answer the question, should it ever come. Is he willing to do this? But if you are comfortable, and if you're the one she asks, you can confidently give her a simple, honest response about why it won't happen. And I would suggest presenting a firmly closed door, rather than saying "but maybe later". No need to apologize or hum and haw..."We love that you want to be around Junior, and we definitely want you in his/her life. (try to leave out the "but" here). You're not in a healthy place, and we're not comfortable with you caring for him/her on your own."If she pushes the issue, this is evidence of her denial or inappropriate boundaries. I'd let her know that it's not negotiable, that you understand if she's disappointed, but you're not open to discussing the issue. Really, there's nothing to discuss. Learning not to take responsibility for her emotions is part of having an ill person in your life. I wish you the best.


Context: I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids’ life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. She’s like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.

Response: How are you measuring whether or not your dad understands your wish?Your dad understanding your wish does not mean he will necessarily follow through with what you want.Based on what you describe about your relationship to the woman in question, your discomfort with the idea of your dad marrying your friend, is reasonable.Have the conversation with your dad that includes your viewpoint, and also ask him for his impression of your feelings.Its even possible he already has considered your feelings and hasn't yet told you.It is also possible that a conversation on the subject, as well as your dad following through with his decision to marry your best friend, may develop in a very positive way.Part of the current uneasiness you feel may be from fear of how a change in circumstances and introducing new relationship dynamics might feel.Given that the person who died was your mom, maybe your emotions are not yet ready seeing your dad with a replacement spouse. Try to see the situation from the point of everyone, including yourself, who is involved in this major change.  Maybe having a family discussion about acceptance and readiness to accept a new partner for your dad, would open new empathy for all of these family members.


Context: My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Response: Congrats on your upcoming baby!Its possible that the pregnancy is diminishing your wife's sex drive.From everything you describe about your wife, she sounds to not yet have become comfortable with having a wish for sex.The other side of the sex equation is you and your relative ease with having sex and whether it is for physical release or as an expression of love, some of each.Since you talk with each other honestly then start with a dialogue about what you each would like from sex with each other, from perspective of giving and receiving sex.  Hopefully this will open up some new light on your respective feelings.Really, there is a lot to navigate in a conversation about physical and emotional intimacy.  If these are not the types of discussions the two of you are used to having, a couples therapist is a good idea so you both become familiar and learn how to more easily articulate some of your respective deep feelings.