Context: I've recently thought that i could be transgender but I've never had the mind of a girl.

Response: Hello Frostproof,Thinking about becoming transgender and being transgender are slightly different.  This is a topic that is best discussed with a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ issues.  From what you have written it sounds as if you still have some confusion as to where you fit in with the "labeling system".  While labels provide a means to quickly identify and classify, they can also feel restrictive or confining.  Instead of focusing on fitting into a specific classification, explore who you are as a person and celebrate your positive qualities and those things that make you uniquely you!  There are many options for you to find a therapist and e-therapy is also an option.  You can try Breakthrough an online service.   Here is some reading for refection that you may find helpful.  Yin Yang Woman Man http://dld.bz/ejVK2  What does it mean to be a woman or a man?<img 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


Context: I'm in my late 50s. I never loved or have been loved. I need deeper help than is offered in my small town, but I cannot leave this town because of agoraphobia. I find myself losing hope more and more. My brain barely works anymore, and my memory so small, I forget in a moment. I serve no purpose. I'm incapable of work or anything of value, and I never have been. I’m a complete waste of time and resources, and yet I keep trying. Why? Why does God insist that I continue to exist? I’m not suicidal, just tired.

Response: Hi Oak Harbor,My heart goes out to you. Sometimes when I'm working with a client who experiences depression or anxiety, I ask them for a glimpse into their worst moments in their minds. "What are the worst thoughts that run through your head?". Often they struggle, perhaps out of shame; maybe they don't want me to know their worst thoughts. But I can help them better if I do know, because then we have a place to work from. You are feeling hopeless and worthless, and your thoughts support these intense emotions. I don't know you, but I strongly believe that you have someone in your life who, if they heard your thoughts, would say "That's not true. I know where her value is." I believe that there are people who would see your value clearly, even if in small things. Can you imagine those voices?You mentioned God, so let's invite God into the conversation. What might God say to you? What evidence might God...who sees all..have of your worth? What hint might God give you about your purpose? You suffer from severe anxiety, and the agoraphobia works together with fear; they're a tag team. Fear tells you perhaps that people will reject you (or something equally bad), and then agoraphobia steps in and traps you and uses as evidence the fact that no one seems to be reaching out to you to convince you that you have no worth. Do you see their plan? Make her scared... keep her here alone...convince her it's hopeless. They both try to convince you that they are your only friends, except they're lying to you. They only want power over you.You forget your worth. You forget that we all have worth. No one is a waste. I believe all God's creatures have worth, and that we're here to use our gifts to improve the world, and to remind each other of our value. There are people out there needing your support as much as you need theirs. Can you find them? My guess is you've been alone and isolated for a very long time and it's impossible for you to see your worth in this situation. We need mirrors to see our worth and other people are our mirrors. We see our value in their eyes. Do you remember the first time you questioned your worth? What was happening that you blamed yourself for? Can you speak to that child and tell her (or him) that whatever's happening isn't her fault? It's that child who cannot see her own worth, probably because someone treated her as though she had none. That's only a story though; not the truth. Can you find another thread of a story? Who might tell a story of your worth?Oak Harbor, I believe that there is help closer than you think. Fear wants you to believe it's hopeless. You reached out here...can you reach out again? Start with just one person, and that will lead you to somewhere. We don't know where that somewhere is but could it be better than sitting alone? You've stopped living. You can choose any moment to start. I wish you peace and hope. :)


Context: I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids’ life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. She’s like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.

Response: Hi Lincoln,It can be very difficult for children who have lost a parent to then see their other parent moving forward with anyone, so I understand how this change is even more upsetting to you. And...your father and your friend have clearly established a friendship and fallen in love. Did you see this coming? I hope they didn't hide it from you. If they did, maybe this is the issue? It would be a legitimate one.But in the end, your father, and your friend, are adults who are free to fall in love with whomever they wish and hopefully they can count on the support of people who trust and love them. Could there be blessings here you haven't seen yet? It seems you love this person who is like a sister; could it be a good thing that her place in your life is more permanent?Ask yourself these questions... "What is the worst part of this?" "What do I fear losing?" "What do I fear at all?" "What is the evidence that this will happen?" The answers might surprise you. Your children will follow your lead. If you are supportive of their grandfather, they will follow suit. Hopefully you can grieve the change, know that your mother would likely want both of them to be happy, and embrace the blessings that come with having this woman close to you in a new way. I wish you the best.


Context: My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Response: Hi Seattle,While it's normal in many relationships for there to be a difference in sex drives, I believe that your wife has a major barrier to having a healthy sexual relationship. I'd be curious about what it was like at the beginning for you both, but these things can change. Sometimes people with sexual barriers are very active for a period when they're young because they're trying to prove something or overcome a fear. Right now, you can both accept that there is a barrier and it's hers and she can explore that in a safe relationship with a therapist and perhaps a doctor. It's possible she's asexual (not interested in sexual activity but very interested in love), or that a trauma has affected her. It's for her to explore. Tell yourself that it's not your fault, stop expecting it to change, and encourage her to seek treatment with someone who specializes in sexual issues. Good luck.


Context: My boyfriend of five months expresses how much he cares for me and loves me, and I believe it. It has been one of the best relationships I have been in for a short period of time, but he has lied to me so much. He’ll tell me that he'll stop lying, and while he’s saying that, he's hiding something or lying about something. First, it was about a girl. He hid text messages and claimed she was a friend and it was a friendly conversation when it was a girl he once found interest in. Next was his ex-girlfriend. He put a fake contact name, and it was just friendly, but he lied to my face. All the time, he claims he never cheated and still expresses his love the same way and that he wants to change and do better.

Response: New York, New York...it's not your boyfriend's lying that concerns me the most; it's the lies you tell yourself. Verbal expressions are easy, but it's walking the walk that's more important in the end. When someone shows you what they're capable of, you can believe them. He's capable of being manipulative and deceitful, and he even lies as he's telling you he'll stop lying. What you're doing is called denial; when you see evidence of something but you choose not to believe the evidence. He might love you with his heart, but love, in the end, is a verb and is based on respectful, loving behaviours. My wish is that you start by believing in what you deserve.


Context: We got into arguments, and we would break if off but start it back up again. We clicked, or so I thought. We are both married with problems in our marriage. We never have sex; we just send a lot of pictures back and forth and talk about doing things together. His wife found out, and he lied to her and didn't even refer to it as an affair. I can't stop thinking about him. We just click. I've been married for 16 years, and I've never liked anyone other than my husband. Now I like him, and we’ll never be together.

Response: If you will "never be together" and in order to maintain this affair you need to deceive both of your spouses it seems unlikely that maintaining the affair will bring anything but heartbreak for everyone involved. There is obviously something that you are getting from this that you are not getting in your marriage. Maybe this is a cue that there is work to do on your marriage to try to make it more fulfilling and if that is not possible, then maybe you want something else for your life.  If you and your husband are willing, I would encourage you to do some therapy or counselling together.  You may enjoy this article to learn a little more about some factors that lead to connection or disconnection and that predict separation and divorce.


Context: I am broke, but I am sure I have been depressed for the past couple of years. I have always had anxiety. I just need someone to talk to right now. I don't have any friends or family I can talk to. I'm on the verge of just giving up.

Response: Good question. There are resources out there - people to talk to. I'd try going to this link and calling the free 24/7 hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


Context: My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Response: That sounds really challenging for both of you. Differences in sexual desire between partners is common and can create real friction and conflict. I would encourage you to do some couples counselling or sex therapy as often these issues can be worked through and low sexual desire can result from relational fears and misunderstandings or sex that isn't as arousing as is possible. There are some good videos on this resource page about sexuality and intimacy and a video that specifically addresses desire differences in relationships.


Context: My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Response: Have you guys ruled out medical disorders. There is new data that post part depression starts in the pregnancy before baby is delivered. There maybe those factors .Please check out those arenas, firstly. Then consider marital therapy services. Relationship changes with the time passing and with the time and care deposits of investment onto the relationship bank account.  Thanks for this opportunity to answer some of ya.alls. relationship intimacy concerns.


Context: My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Response: I suggest seeking the support of an AASECT certified sex therapist to help work through much of the issues you address, you simply may need some really qualified support. Also, you might be interested in watching Esther Perel's ted talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship, and/or you might want to sign up for my own 8-part-series on Reconnecting Parent Couples


Context:
I'm a young adult woman, and I have trouble finding my true identity being at home. This all started when I had a boyfriend about 10 months ago. My boyfriend and I were dating for a couple months and decided to get in to sexual acts. At the time, I was pretty religious, but I let this happen. I don't know why. I felt kind of guilty but mostly because I know my parents wouldn't like it. My parents are very religious—they're Christians. We did things every time he'd come over to my house. We didn't have anything to do at our house, so we would get tempted to do things when we'd watch movies by ourselves.

One day, my parents found out I did this stuff with him because my dad read my messages. As soon as my dad found this out, he told my mom. They were both aggravated. They told me he was just a boy that wanted to get inside my pants. They said he wanted me for sex and he's not a Christian. I took their advice and broke up with him. Once we broke up for about a month, I decided to get back together with him a little after school started. My parents found out eventually, and I decided to not listen this time. I would constantly talk to my boyfriend about what they say about him: how's he's not the right one for me, and God totally forbids him. I would kind of try to break up with him, and then eventually I would just never listen to my parents. They're always yelling at me about how I shouldn't date this boy. I felt too old to listen to them. Now I'm kind of just stuck. Is the real me religious? Have I been brainwashed by him? I don't talk to my parents anymore about him, and my parents think I'm deceiving because of it. They threatened me that if I'm still with him, I can't do track and they won't support me. They've also called me slut, and now they called me basically a devil worshipper. They say my boyfriend is taking me away from my parents. I'm actually very happy with him. They also say I'm living a separate life at home than I am at school. They say they want what's best for me and love me because they adopted me.

Response: What a tough situation you must be in, feeling torn between your parents and someone who is very special to you. I would say the first thing you want to do is (if you haven't already), have a calm reciprocal conversation with your parents, telling them how you feel and letting them know what you need from them. If communication attempts are unsucessful then you will need to make a decision with how you would like to move forward. You, unfortunately, will not be able to change your parent's feelings or opinions but you can agree to disagree on certain matters by keeping them separate from the relationship you have with your parents. It always helps to try and see things from another angle. You might want to, for example, try and understand your parent's perspectives and let them know you understand that they are upset. Validating other's feelings can be very helpful with communicating effectively. Are you living with your parents and do they support you? If so, are you willing to give that up should you decide to not follow their rules? Know that there is nothing wrong with being happy with someone or loving somebody so deeply. Your feelings and actions certainly do not make you brainwashed or a devil worshipper. Not everyone will always approve of the choices we make and sometimes we need to be okay with that. Best of luck to you.


Context: My partner and I have had an amazing relationship and connection for over two years. We're very committed to each other and are planning a very long life together. However, he recently was very open and honest that he isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. He says this has happened in every past relationships and has ended it as a result. He knows it's because it's the "same person" feeling, but how can he get over this?

Response: I wonder how long "anymore" will be for your boyfriend.Since you both are planning a long life together, instead of his custom of ending relationships when he feels bored with the sex, he will be facing the situation of being in a relationship and not having sex with his partner to whom he is committed.What are your own views on the meaning of sex in a relationship?Knowing this will help you be better able to collaborate with your boyfriend on finding ways of balancing what you each would like.


Context: Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.

Response: Hi Ohio, I totally get how it can be more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. My guess is that you tend to come down too hard on yourself a lot. That's a huge barrier to happiness that you can work to reduce. I'll get you started.You feel shame in a debilitating way that is probably way out of proportion to the incident. Is it triggering some old shame? Unfortunately, a lot of adults use shame as a motivator for kids. It doesn't work. When was the first time you remember feeling a lot of shame, as in "I'm bad", or "I'm worthless"? Is there a younger version of you who is still feeling shame over something that wasn't your fault? Sometimes shame shadows are connected to an absent or hurtful parent, sexual abuse or some family loss or trauma. If so, picture yourself at that age. Can you tell your child self that whatever horrible thing happened to them isn't their fault? Can you have compassion for that child who first felt shame or had shame heaped on them? That's your first goal...to go to the source of the shame and heal that child's wound with compassion. What happens to children is never their fault (and fault is a pretty useless concept anyway).Once you take the layers of old "I'm bad" shame off, the load is lighter and you can use self talk to further reduce the shame. Here are some things you can say to yourself...every day...I'm human and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect.I can have compassion for my mistakes.I can feel proud that I'm facing my mistake and making things right.I deserve forgiveness and compassion, and I have that for other people too.There's no purpose to holding on to shame.I can learn from my mistakes and move forward.Everyone makes mistakes.Other people don't want me to carry this shame around.I don't need shame to remind me not to do it again. I've figured that out.Shame tries to convince you that you need to carry "it" around in order to prevent further mistakes. Poppycock.  You've learned your lesson, now you can move forward to other mistakes. Sorry...but you're human and you'll keeping making... hopefully different, glorious mistakes. Embrace the learning. Lean into the experiences of life. It's all juicy stuff, and you're in good company; we're all in the same position of being mortal.


Context: How can I know if I'm just being paranoid?

Response: Hi Texas,Oh, that's a powerful idea, isn't it? It burrows into your head. Let's figure this out. First, has your partner given you any concrete reason not to trust them? Have they cheated before? If not, then they deserve the benefit of the doubt until there is evidence. If it's a "yes", then it's natural that these fears would be triggered and you can simply let your partner know what triggers the fear and what you need. "When you refuse to let me see your phone I worry that you're hiding something. I need openness". If they haven't cheated on you in the past, there are three possible scenarios here. I invite you to take a moment and write down what the evidence is that cheating is going on. What is the specific thing that's triggering your fears? When you have your data recorded, read on...The first scenario is that you have been personally hurt in the past by someone else and you've developed fears that you will be hurt again or that you're not enough to keep someone interested (this is just fear...people cheat for their own reasons, not because we're not interesting). This may be true if what you wrote down is "They didn't really do anything wrong...there is no evidence. I'm just scared and suspicious". That's a cue to do some self reflection and calm yourself with thoughts like "nothing has really happened. I can trust."If what you wrote down was vague evidence, like for example your partner has been distant or irritable, or you're having less sex than usual, you can try to approach the situation without making assumptions. Trust your gut, but your gut isn't seeing evidence of cheating...it's evidence of "something". Ask your partner what's up with accusations or assumptions.The third possibility is that there is some clear evidence that they are cheating. Maybe there are texts on a phone, or someone has told you something they saw. I'd say when there is some evidence, it's okay to present this to your partner and ask what's going on. If this happens repeatedly, and your gut is screaming and there are only excuses or explanations that don't make sense, then it's okay to do a bit of "research" and be extra aware of what's going on around you. I hope that helps.


Context: I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Response: It sounds really difficult to know that your daughter may be "choosing" her dad over you, perhaps I can help by saying her intense emotional reactions towards you actually acknowledge how much safer and connected she feels towards you. We tend to have big emotions around those we care for most. I would suggest to let her know how hard it is to hear that, and sad it make you feel at times, and that this is hard for everyone. Expressing your feelings to here, will allow her to express hers too.


Context: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

Response: This relationship with your step dad sounds very challenging. It is hard to to be told over and over again how not good enough we are. Let me offer you this, frequently when we say harsh, mean, nasty things to others, we are simply projecting our own thoughts about ourself. I am not advocating that this is ok, it seems like your stepdad could also use some support. You get to make your own empowered choice around this, this is your life and if you find yourself in a situation that does not suit you make a change.


Context: I've been struggling with it for a test and I'm starting to believe it's something mental. What could it be?

Response: Hello in Jacksonville, It sounds like you are struggling with motivation to either take or study for a test.  There could be several different causes.  If you were being seen at my practice, I would ask you to describe your self-talk when engaging in these activities, during the different phases ie. in beginning, after a few days, and after few weeks.  Negative self-talk leads to increased disinterest and eventually tasks not being completed.  It is great that you recognize that you have the tendency to not complete tasks that you start.  Some questions that would be great to explore with a therapist are: how often you start and stop tasks without completing them?how you are feeling when you choose to start/ stop a project/task?how many tasks do you complete?  Sometimes we need to recognize list our accomplishments so that they do not go unnoticed.   Do you ever feel like you are working against yourself?A licensed counselor in Jacksonville will be able to asses you and rule out or diagnose self-sabotaging, depression, anxiety or other possible contributing factors.  Remember to continue to provide yourself daily motivation and encouragement towards your goals.


Context: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

Response: Anyone who wants to change their life path, eventually will be successful in this.  How to stop abusing alcohol involves a few steps, most of them time consuming, with slow progress and very often with tremendous emotional pain.The basic path is to figure out what motivates you to drink too much and be addicted to weed.  Almost always, addictions are rooted in the person having suffered feeling deeply ignored, humiliated, shamed, invisible, nothing very pleasant, since a very young age, usually starting around 18 months.Most often addicts are sensitive people who have been emotionally overburdened by the grownups in their family.With no outlet for emotional expression or nurturing, the frustration goes inward until the emotional pain feels very big and without an outlet.So, people mask and numb by substances, whether this is food, chocolate, work, alcohol, weed.Therapy that is humanistic based, is a better fit than one which is drug oriented and diagnosis oriented.If you'd like getting serious about knowing who you are, including any unfair treatment of you during your growing up years, you can do this.Once you have a stronger self-respect and awareness, you would naturally avoid substances because they harm people.  Harming oneself is the opposite of self-respect.Also, about your diagnosis, it may not be true at all.  the US healthcare system loves selling drugs to people and clinicians in agencies and clinics are encouraged to find something wrong with people in order to find a new customer who will take drugs.See if you can find a therapist who is independent minded, and therefore free to interact therapeutically with you as a human being, not as a potential customer if they are able to label you as having something "wrong".This simply continues the long line of being shamed by others that created the addiction problem in the first place.Good luck!


Context: My boyfriend is seeking therapy. He is in his 40s and has some childhood issues. He has kids from his previous ex-wife and is unable to see them.

Response: Probably the more important questions to answer concern how much confidence you have in you and your boyfriend becoming parents, how you each feel about the influence of his being banned from seeing his current children, and be clear about the circumstances that led up to the decision of him not being permitted to see his kids.Don't allow some random professional to pronounce your boyfriend as cured.  A relatively qualified therapist would never make this call.Psychological and emotional tensions emerge from our relationships within families.  You and your boyfriend are in a position to set a strong foundation for having children, assuming each of you wants children.Childhood issues, your boyfriend's, anyone's, are more likely to go away when new patterns of interacting emerge.If the two of you are engaged in setting a secure relationship as future parents, the disappointments and hurt from the very early years, will be replaced by better ways of interacting.


Context: I have severe anxiety and have tried everything. Everything makes it worst.The only thing that helps is my emotional support animal.

Response: Sorry to read of your suffering.Is it actually permitted that people are able to take support animals to school?I see your point of the animal helping you.  I just also see the point that some people have allergies to animal hair or dander, or may feel distracted by an animal in the classroom.You may end up feeling worse, if when you bring your support animal to school, that it disturbs people or interferes with the routines of the class.For your anxiety, I suggest some loving kindness toward yourself.  Be patient with yourself and that you have anxiety.  If you're able to accept that some situations create great discomfort for you, maybe you'll tolerate these difficult situation.Embrace your anxiety as part of you, basically, rather than trying to banish it, which because it actually is part of you, is impossible to achieve.In a way, I'm suggesting you become your own "support animal".  Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and see if you feel a little less stressed in school.


Context:
My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night.
The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch.
I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.

Response: Hi Los Angeles,So your husband is giving you mixed messages. He says he's willing to cut back on the drinking, but he drinks and hides it. His behaviour is passive aggressive and immature, which puts you into this position of having to act like a disapproving parent. It sounds more like you're talking about an out-of-control teenager than your partner. Your husband's lying is sending a message. "I get to make my own decisions and you can't stop me" might be it. Underneath that, maybe it's "I want to stop but I'm ashamed that I can't and I don't want you to see my failures". Ultimately, as an adult, he gets to decide what he puts in his mouth and if you try to manage that by monitoring how many beers he has, you are pretty certain to get some fallout... pushback...backlash...  How does his drinking affect you? That's where your voice has power, rather than in counting his beers or setting him up to lie (when he's passed out, asking if he's been drinking seems confusing). You've mentioned snoring, which I guess is a legitimate complaint. If he's passing out, that's a legitimate complaint. When he drinks does he drive, act aggressively, or 'check out of' the relationship (avoid you)? All of these things are legitimate concerns, and I'd stick to talking about those rather than counting beers. My guess is he has few other ways to cope with stress, so he checks out with alcohol, and it also helps him avoid your relationship. But the problem is it makes it worse; the more he avoids you, then more you chase him with your questions.There's a conversation that would be helpful here.  It sounds like "I've tried to support you in your drinking less, and it's not working. What are your goals for alcohol and how can I support you in that more effectively?" I'd like to see you in a place where you're not micromanaging his drinking, but focusing on the things that affect you. What concrete supportive methods can you use with his agreement? Can we get the alcohol out of the house? Is he willing to seek treatment? Lay your expectations out really clearly. "I won't count your beers, but I can't tolerate lying". You have to decide what's more important; is it really the number of beers, or is it something else. What do you need to happen in order to want to remain in the marriage? What does he need? Does he let you know what isn't okay with him? He might have trouble saying these things. The drinking is only a part of the complex dynamic in your marriage. A qualified therapist can assist in pulling this apart, understanding it, and changing the way you relate to each other.


Context: I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Response: Hi Arkansas, Your situation sounds like a case of parental alienation. Your ex-partner unfortunately has the power to say things to your children that poison their relationship with you. It's a form of woman abuse and child abuse. He's likely doing this to hurt you and have power over you, and he's not considering how it's affecting the kids. I've seen this happen in many families; parents who once had a strong loving relationship with their children suddenly feel abandoned in favor of the other parent. In some cases, children actually stop having contact with one parent, who is left bewildered and powerless. It's your ex's job to support your relationship with your kids, not try to destroy it. While you can't change his behaviours, and I think you know that, there are things you can do for yourself and your kids. For your children, you can refuse to enter into the war he's setting up. He's trying to provoke you into acting "crazy", but you don't have to fall for this. If you run around screaming "he's lying!", it only makes you look more 'crazy'. Try to stay calm, and don't put their dad down to them, no matter how tempting it is. One day, they may be ready to hear the truth of your relationship with their father, but wait until they ask. Trust that they have their own experience of their dad, and trust that he doesn't have the power to destroy their love for you. Children, in the long term, lose respect for parents who denigrate the other parent. They see who their dad is already, I'd bet, but they don't know how to cope with that. If he's the only one fighting a war, you're helping them feel less trapped in a parental conflict. Don't engage on his level. Don't blame your children completely. Although I have to say that for them to call you names like crazy is not acceptable and you don't need to tolerate that disrespect, try to deal with this behaviour without bringing their dad into it. They are acting out their father's agenda, likely because they instinctively see his weakness. Children often support the weaker parent, rather than abandon them. You get the worst because they trust your love. But you can still have boundaries. Letting them abuse you isn't the answer, but have compassion for their position. This picture isn't their fault, but as adults, they can be held accountable for their choices.Reassure yourself that you are the mom you know you are. You don't need them to gush all over you in order to know that you made sacrifices. Hold onto the likelihood that some day, they will come back and be grateful. It may take a while, you can't rush it, but they will see you for who you are. Your power is in giving them a consistently calm, generous, connected, supportive mom who refuses to play games or be walked on. I'd recommend trying to connect with other parents who experience this phenomenon, or a therapist who can reinforce these goals and help keep you grounded. Good luck!


Context: I'm in my late 20s, and I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I have no friends. I hate Facebook because everyone else has kids and a great husband and great paying jobs. I work in retail, and I can't find a job. I have an Associate degree. No one is not giving me a chance, and I'm getting upset and frustrated. I feel worthless and feel like everyone hates me. I feel like a failure, and I still live with my Dad. It's very embarrassing!

Response: In case knowing this helps you, there are many more people in similar circumstance as you than you may realize.Similar to you, they are not on FB for the reasons you list.  Plus, no one wants to go on FB and tell the world they don't have a fantastic life.  Everyone on FB is happy, even when they're miserable they're happy telling everyone about it.First, yes it is painful to see all around you what appears as joyful living.  Please keep in mind that the life you imagine these people have, is not necessarily the true life they are having.  I've been a therapist for a long time and have seen repeatedly how people who are married with kids by age 30, start having problems by their mid-thirties.Second, respect your unique identity.  For whatever reason, you have more sensitivity, possibly more depth, more complex standards and expectations, of yourself and others.As hard as it may sound or actually be, take time to hear your intuition and what it tells you, you need for your own growth and development.Feeling embarrassed can also be turned into a positive.  Consider it as motivation for the long term to develop new ways of reaching your goals.I hope this helps!


Context: I've been having this ongoing problem for most of my life now. I am a young adult, and right now, driving and even being a passenger gives me terrible panic attacks and anxiety. I can't ride in the backseat or the front seat with the safety belt on. I have to lean the seat back a bit because the pressure on my back terrifies me. I miss so many opportunities to go places with friends and family because of my fears of having a panic attack. My family offers little to no support. They think it's fake or "all in my head." It makes me feel guilty and at times depressed to the point where I'd rather never wake up anymore. I am not self-harming, I just feel meaningless. This constant fear has taken over my thoughts and my life. I was such a happy person. I want my life back. I want to travel with my friends and family again, but I don't know how. I've almost given up hope on getting better and just accepting the fact that I'll live with this anxiety forever.

Response: Not having support from your family for such a significant problem, is a problem itself.How about your friends, are any of them nurturing or treat you kindly when you bring up that you've got this problem?Are any of your friends willing to accommodate the fact that right now you've got panic attacks from driving and being a passenger?Maybe being and feeling accepted while you're in this current phase of your life, would help diminish the panic attacks.If no support is coming to you, then a next step would be to evaluate the relationships in your life and to develop standards and expectations of others, especially that they are considerate of your great need at this time.Its possible you are bearing the emotional burden of a lot more people in your life than yourself.If no one wants to show they care about this situation, then release yourself from trying to please and satisfy everyone's wish that you be better, while they ignore your need for their support.Be realistic in what you're able to give back to people who want to be blind to your emotional need.Thinking this way will at first raise your anxiety level from fear of losing everyone.  Eventually, you'll stabilize within yourself and know that all you're asking for is some support for having a tough time. Hopefully, the others will be more responsive to you.If they don't you still know that you're being reasonable for what you'd like.


Context:
My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night.
The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch.
I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.

Response: As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him.Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle?Does he care about you more than drinking?Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating.Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking.Your happiness matters.  His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable.Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not.Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change.People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing.  He doesn't sound like this, at least now.


Context: My suppose-to-be father told me to go find my real dad. We haven't been getting along since I was a teenager. If I said one thing that he thought was wrong, I always got degraded. He never said “I love you.” He never gave us hugs. He’s always called me horrible names. I feel he's an evil man with no feelings.

Response: Hi Louisiana, You got it right...he's "supposed to be" your father. It's tough enough being adopted (unless I'm reading it wrong, I think you're adopted); what you don't need is to be verbally abused by someone who's supposed to love and protect you. I don't know how old you are (past teen years though), or where your mom is, but I bet there are other people in your life who treat you differently. It's your right to spend your time with the people who love you properly. That's a really important part of learning how to be happy...carefully choosing who's going to be in your life. It's tricky to put emotional distance between you and your supposed-to-be father, but it's possible...physical distance (avoid him if you don't trust you'll be treated with respect), and emotional distance (feeling less connected to and affected by his relationship disability). I think you're already doing that part because you don't blame yourself for his words, which is wonderful. I don't know if he's evil (although I believe evil exists), but he may be incapable of loving properly, or lacking empathy, as you suggest. A good therapist can support you in these goals. I wish you the best in your growth as an independent adult. :)


Context: I keep being mean to my best friend, and I don't know why all the time. I did come to maybe some kind of conclusion that it is because my mother is mean to me all the time. Could that be a cause?

Response: Hi Morristown,There's a saying that goes "hurt people hurt people". It's possible that your aggression towards your friends is connected to your mother's behaviours. When we are treated poorly, especially as children, it affects how we ourselves, others, and the world. It's also powerful modelling of aggressive behaviour. The good news is that you have this lovely awareness and I think a desire to learn about yourself and grow in your ability to be respectful to people you care about. I recommend you consider sitting down with a therapist and exploring these ideas and moving forward on that path you seem to want to be on. Good luck!


Context: I've got so much anger. I don't know how to control myself. My girlfriend screams at me all the time, and sometime I don't know how to deal with life. I'm very depressed and angry. I feel lost.

Response: Hi Campbell River, You say you have anger but you don't mention how it shows. Or maybe it doesn't. Are you aggressive with your girlfriend? Since you mention depression, I wonder if you're bottling it all up somewhere instead of letting it show at all. If this is the case, I admire your ability to not lash out at someone who's hurting you. However, if they are totally  unexpressed, anger turn inward and shift into depression. When she yells at you, what do you do? Is this the moment that you feel the most angry? I wouldn't be surprised; anger is a normal response to someone yelling at you. Something about anger...it's often there to cover up our more vulnerable emotions. Under the anger I wonder if you feel worthless, powerless, scared, unloved. Part of the trick to reducing anger is identifying those other emotions and expressing them. You say you don't know how to deal with life, and I think maybe you mean you don't know how to deal with emotions. Lots of people don't! This is confusing for most of us. What am I feeling? Why is it so strong? I'm afraid to express it for fear of hurting someone (or falling apart, or feeling alone...). How do I know what to express and what to be quiet about? These are all great questions to ask yourself, and a qualified therapist can help you sort it all out and support you in your growth. I wish you well!


Context: I've been getting told lately by my partner that it’s embarrassing that I'm so antisocial around his family and friends. I believe it's because I'm not as social as him.

Response: Hi Buffalo, I think you're right; your partner's reactions are about him. I have to say it's a cruel thing to say to someone you love...that you're "embarrassed by them". The subtext says "You're not good enough", and I love that you can reject that false message.You don't have to be different for anyone. If he can't accept you for who you are, what is he doing with you? Your social habits (unless they are extreme...like you refuse to go anywhere) aren't a reflection on him; it's just you being you. Also, and I'm sure you've found this...the more he judges you, the more difficult it is for you to be the confident, outgoing person he wants you to be...so his method of trying to change you doesn't even work!I think that's the crux...he's trying to change you. What does that make you want to do?


Context: I met a guy a while ago, and I can't stop thinking about him. I feel like I love him, but I don't think I know him. What if he is not who I think he is? I cry sometimes thinking someone is going to be with him or that he has a girlfriend. I don't know, am I too obsessive? Every time we talk though, it's like magic. He makes me feel amazing, but what if I'm mistaken?

Response: Keller, it sounds like you're living this relationship in your mind, instead of in the real world. You can get answers to your questions by talking to him...getting to know him will answer all the curiosities you have. You're asking the questions in your head instead of being in the friendship. So what is it that gets in the way of actually asking the questions and getting to know him? Fear of rejection? Fear of something else? If you have fear that keeps you from having fulfilling friendships, I recommend a therapist to help you work through that. I wish you well. :)


Context: A girl and I were madly in love. We dated for over a year and were even talking about marriage and future plans together. She moved away for school, and we attempted a long distance relationship. We eventually broke up. It's been a year now, and I still haven't lost my feelings for her. I still love her the same way I did. I've suffered from depression ever since the breakup and have been unable to connect with anyone else. It's damaging me and my life.

Response: Hi Boise, I'm sorry that you've lost this love. The fact that you were planning marriage and a future tells me that you meant something very special to each other at that time. It's different now...you're not together anymore, but you can't accept this, right? Good for you for identifying that this situation is damaging your life. You've been grieving for longer than you were together. Oh, but really you've not been grieving...you're stuck still loving her instead of moving forward. Unrequited love is a recipe for eternal heartache. Let's look at some possible blocks to moving forward.It could be that there's something unfinished for you. Maybe you felt hurt and you didn't have the chance to say so, or you felt you hurt her and you didn't have the chance to make it right. Maybe there's a burning question you need to ask or something else you need to say. Maybe you want to tell her you've never stopped loving her, and see if she feels the same way. If this is the case, you have two choices, right? You can reach out and say what you need to say, or you can stop ruminating on that question and let it go. If you reach out, there's no guarantee it will go well or that she'll even respond. Maybe write her a letter and don't send it (or send it...it might be worth the risk). Use the next paragraph to help you decide. Do you know how she feels? How did it end? Did she end it? Was it ended just because of the distance, or are there more differences between you that didn't work? Sometimes people are so in love that they can't clearly see that the other person isn't in love with them anymore. Use the information you have about what she wants for her life...can you honour what she says she needs? If she's asked for distance, you would do well to honour that.A key to moving forward: look at your thoughts and where they're getting stuck. Write it down. What bad thing can happen if you let it go? Or "If I move forward, that will mean..."  Keep going...what would be the worst part of that?  This kind of exploring can help you identify your stuck place.It is possible that you've turned this ending into some kind of negative meaning about you or your future. As in "If this person doesn't love me, then I'm unlovable", or "No one will ever love me as much as she did". So your need to cling to her in your heart is your way of rejecting that negative message about yourself or the future. Can you find another way to reject that message? Try saying these things to yourself:I know she loved me. There is evidence of that.I was a good partner. There is evidence of that.It's part of life to fall in love and then have to move forward...I can do this and learn from it.Many people like me...that's how I know I'm lovable.It's normal to feel sad. I'm grieving a lost love.I want to move forward and not stare in the rearview mirror.I know more love awaits me if I can get fear out of the way.If this person loved me, others can too, (but not if I'm clinging to some old memory)These are the kinds of things a therapist would explore with you. I wish you well!


Context: I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.

Response: Hi Chapel Hill, I like your goal; research is telling us more and more that one of the most important keys to happiness is having healthy relationships. If we feel successful in that area, it can give us the confidence and hope to tackle anything life throws at us.There are personal barriers we all have to having healthy relationships; it's our "stuff", our "baggage" (not a steam trunk, right...you have a cute little Gucci bag!). You hint that people may have hurt you in the past. Maybe fear says "stay away...hold onto resentment or you will be hurt again!". Resentment, or simply focusing on the past is certainly a barrier to improving any relationship. Learning to forgive ourselves and others is so important. And remember...forgiveness isn't about saying something was okay; it only means "It happened, I can't change that, and I don't want to carry it (anger, hurt, resentment) around anymore, so I let it go." Or...sometimes fear tells us that people won't accept us; this keeps us isolated for sure! But really, all fear wants is power over us. Fear is a trickster! It tells us that if we let go of the past, we will be rejected or hurt. It says "I'm trying to protect you!", but what it REALLY wants is to paralyze and isolate us all so it can feel powerful. Once you pull the sheeps clothing off of fear, you can see that it doesn't help you at all!Once you see where your personal barriers are, and you start to refute those thoughts in your mind, you can begin to build new ideas about yourself and other people that are based on compassion instead of fear... Everyone deserves forgiveness and compassion.No one deserves to be judged by their worst moments.If I look in the rearview mirror, I can't move forward.We are all beautifully imperfect.I can't change the past, but I have the power to make the future good.I wish you the best on your journey!


Context: My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying "whatever" and "leave me alone." But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Response: Hi Rockford, While no relationship is "perfect", and it's natural for the passionate beginnings of a relationship to lessen with time, because we have established the trust and love needed as a foundation and we don't have to smother each other with attention anymore, your situation sounds like something different. "He has no time for me"... yet you don't fight. Hmmm...Is it that you don't fight because you don't bring up what's bothering you? Are you avoiding conflict? Many people do. What do you fear would happen if you let him know how you feel about his recent pulling away? As an engaged couple, now is a really good time to see what happens when you bring a concern to your fiance. Better to find out now what happens when you rock the boat by being real. Or maybe you have spoken to him about it. If so, what happens? Does he listen and help you understand him better? Or does he avoid and reassure you...or maybe dismiss you? This is really important data to gather about how your fiance handles conflict and how you work together. He says "leave me alone". That's a pretty bold statement about what he wants. He doesn't seem to have the same idea that you do about what marriage is, and how close you want to be. Plus, I have to say, those words sound more like what a closed-off fourteen year old would say to a parent than a loving fiance to his bride to be! Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be that your fiance is scared about getting married and this is a temporary reaction that will change. But if this is true, he needs to tell you that so you can understand. So, I suggest that the fact that when you're together you're "okay" is perhaps not the best barometer for how you're doing as a couple. Listen to your gut. I encourage you to be really open with your fiance about what your feelings and fears are. This may get rockier before it gets better, but until you face what's not working, you won't know who you truly are as a couple.  When you're engaged, it's a really cool time to see a therapist too...to get some conflict resolution skills down before you're a married couple.


Context: They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?

Response: This can certainly be a side effect of some medications. If the voices are so powerful that you can not sleep or they are constantly present, you shouldn't wait any time, but go and see your doctor straight away.


Context: I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.

Response: Remember, the past no longer exists and the future is just an illusion as we don't know what will happen tomorrow, so take the present as your guide. That is all we can do, so keep saying this to yourself and try to help someone each day.  The happiness is helping others to feel a bit better.


Context: I’m in love with my friend who is also a girl. I fell in love with her in a few months. That was my first love. We used to talk for the whole day and night over the phone and on Facebook. I thought she had the same feelings for me, but I was wrong. I always wanted to touch her warmly and stay with her all my life. But all my dreams get broken apart after she got into a relationship with a guy. I’ve tried to be in relationship with guys, but I can’t be in love with them.

Response: It all depends how old you are and what a particular situation is.  You may be feeling very close to this friend and mistake that feeling for sexual feeling, or the feelings may be real. This is something you will find out for yourself, however, it definitely doesn't mean that you are a lesbian just because you have those feelings for this particular person. Time will tell, but if you need to discuss this, you could see your school councelor (if you are at school/university) or find a LGBT group with meetings and discuss this with them. I hope this is helpful.


Context: They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?

Response: Since you realize that hearing voices in your head is not usual for you, then definitely there is a problematic situation happening within your awareness of who you are.if you recently started taking a new drug or increased dosage of one you already were taking, and the voices started shortly after, then yes, it is possible medication created your problem.Start by telling whoever gave you the presecription, about the problem you're having."Crazy" has some flexibility as to whether someone is this way or not.Certainly a very positive sign that you're not crazy, is that you're self-aware of a problem within yourself. And, you're responsible toward yourself and making effort to address this problem.Crazy people usually don't do responsible behaviors.


Context:
I need answers to my anger, possessiveness, and urges.
I am angry all the time. I push people away so much that I actually blow up on people now because they ask me how my day is or was. I have a possessiveness to someone who is not even mine. I have these urges to hurt someone really bad. I want to see them beg for me to stop hurting. I want to hear their agonizing pained-filled voices. What is wrong with me?

Response: What result are you hoping to get from the behaviors you describe?Maybe start by comparing the results you see yourself receiving from your current interactions, with how you would wish to feel from relating to others.Since you ask, "what is wrong with me?", there is a disconnect between what you are doing and what you'd like in return.This is true even with imagining doing harm to others.What are you really trying to accomplish for yourself by hurting others?Besides the unethicalness and criminality of this and legal consequences of arrest for such behaviors, what gain which is not evil, do you expect from overpowering and imagining you control another human being?


Context: I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.

Response: Would you describe yourself as sensitive to your surroundings and emotions?If yes, this may explain why letting go of past problems, is itself a problem.The dynamic of living one day at a time and letting go of past problems, is more imaginary and wishful than real.It is a popular notion of TV, FB, and media.Doing the letting go, has nothing to do with what is actually possible to do.Problems are not "let go", they are resolved somehow.Living one day at a time isn't possible for anyone who has consciousness.  No one can really disconnect from reality every day on which they wake up.Instead of trying to do the impossible which is promoted online and in media, allow yourself time to recognize what went into creating a problem in your life, in the first place.  Understanding problems leads to peacefulness and resolution.  Then you will have more freedom to make new relationships.Also, be patient with this process and yourself.If you have deep attachment to painful situations in your life, then possibly now is your time for understanding what went wrong.This is a process which cannot be rushed if it is to be done well.If it is done thoroughly, then you very naturally will bring new relationships into your life.And life will no longer feel so painful that you can only manage "one day at a time" without hurting.  You won't need to forget what happened yesterday.


Context: My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying "whatever" and "leave me alone." But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Response: Your situation sounds a little painful.Have you brought up any of these topics for discussion with your fiancé?Now is a good time for finding out if and how your future husband is interested and addresses the way you are feeling.Until the two of you open up what bothers you, all you or anyone who talks to you about the situation, can do is take guesses as to what is driving your finance's behaviors.Also, in the moment of when your fiancé texts you words you find surprising or startling, you can tell him this.   Maybe by being clear and truthful about how what he writes affects you, then next time he will change what he tells you.And if he doesn't, then you know that you explained yourself, he had this information about you and that , he isn't that willing to consider what you told him. Really, the best first step is to open up all the topics you wrote about here, with him.  This way you'll give each of you to discuss how to care about one another in a meaningful way.


Context: My husband and I are in a terrible place. Part of me wants to fix it, but then I'm caught up with not knowing how and not being able to communicate my feelings to him because he always feels I'm blaming him. Sometimes I am because the feelings of distrust are so strong. I feel they must be coming from something he's doing, but sometimes I know I'm being irrational. Still, that doesn't stop the anxiety. The other half of the time, I just want to walk away, but I feel like that will only be a temporary fix.

Response: You may be pressuring yourself to be the one person who fixes the relationship.  This is impossible because the relationship belongs to both of you.Has he told you whether he feels about himself that how he interacts with you, is contributing to problems in the couple?Is he willing to understand what you're asking of him, without shutting down with whatever he is feeling when he feels blamed?Your feelings of distrust are the natural outcome of not being properly heard and understood.  He's not willing to listen to you, so of course you're frustrated and this frustration comes out in all sorts of uneasy feelings.Willingness to hear each other in a non-defensive way, sometimes requires a couples therapist's assistance.Ask your husband if he's willing to understand, not judge you.  Be willing yourself to do the same.If after trying and getting nowhere, you'll know when to stop trying on your own as a couple and to find a specifically trained couples therapists.Warning, not all therapists are trained to do couples therapy.  Ask the therapist if they've had specialized training in couples therapy.Otherwise, having a referee type therapy session of, "what do you think", "what do you think?", isn't going to do anything except frustrate both of you further.Good luck!