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MattBoraske

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Reddit-AITA-2018-to-2022

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it was saturday and i (m17) was doing some house chores before i was going to head off to work and my mom was in the kitchen doing some cleaning with the utensils. i was just heading out of the kitchen to the bathroom to clean it when i hear my mother very calmly say “darling i cut my hand very badly” (talking to my dad) im still leaving and don’t really go to help her as my dad is already rushing to her to help her out. fast forward 2 hours and im getting ready to leave to go to work and my mom flips out on me for not trying to help her when she cut her hand i try to explain to her that there was nothing i could do as i would not know how to deal with the wound, my dad who would already know how to deal with the wound was already heading there, i would only be standing there getting in the way of my dad and mom, and i would only cause frustration/ basically be a dead weight. my mom still is yelling at me saying that i sould have tried to help her and when i keep on asking her what i could of done to help she just deflects the question andsaid i should have at least asked if she was ok. my dad has remained silent through this whole thing and the argument ends with my mom telling me to leave and go to work am i the asshole or was my reasoning justified? i can understand why she would be upset that i didnt at least check on her hand but i still feel like that would do nothing just cause more frustration. also sorry for bad formatting im typing on mobile

aita for not helping my mother after she badly cut her hand?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/synofq/aita_for_not_helping_my_mother_after_she_badly/

2022-02-22 13:30:56

yta. you just walked away without checking if there was something you could help with. even with your dad helping, there could be things for you to help with. this could have been a situation where they needed you to call emergency services, or where it would have been helpful for you to go get bandages while your dad was helping your mom.

soft yta. kinda inconsiderate that you wouldn't at least say "you ok?"

yta. you're making a lot of assumptions here. maybe it's true that you couldn't have helped, and maybe it's true that you would have gotten in the way if you had tried, but it only takes a few seconds to check in. for future reference, a quick "are you ok?" or "can i do anything to help?" can go a long way.

soft yta. if you were closer you could have asked if there was something you could do. even though she was calm, she did say “badly”. i once cut my hand so badly i didn’t want to leave the kitchen sink and get blood everywhere. just getting her a towel would probably have been helpful until your dad arrived. also it’s the right thing to to do to ask how she’s feeling afterward. i’m sure it would have been nice for her to know you cared.

oh come on, you know it wouldn't have hurt you to at least *ask* if she is ok - you clearly heard her (bad enough to ask for help) and say, ask, do nothing for two hours? your dad is silent because he probably felt the same--and just watching to see if you'd step up and apologize to prove you're a better person than you showed yourself that day. think of it like; you just stepping over someone that fell down right in front of you - instead of helping them up. go pick her up some little something you know she likes and apologize for being thoughtless. yta

a mild case of yta tbh. you could've asked, "are you okay?" what would you have done if your father wasn't there? still ignored and left? if you don't know, learn! you could've asked "do you need any help?" or "how can i help you?" simple!

yta - just because you couldn‘t be the one to lead the first aid doesn’t mean you should have just ignored her like you did. maybe your dad would have needed an extra set of hands, someone to fetch a bandage, hold pressure on the wound, or even call an ambulance if it turned out really bad. but you didn’t even bother to check. you should have at least stayed there until your dad got situated and assured you he had the situation well in hand.

yta. it's not that your dad was better at handling it. it's that you (apparently) didn't express any concern for her well being. that's all she really wanted. for you to care whether or not she was bleeding to death. your post makes it sound like you were rushing around before going to work, but the incident was 2 hours before you left. i'm going to assume that all the blood and bandages were taken care of by then. before you left, you absolutely should have asked you mother how her hand was and whether there was anything you could do to help.

yta if you hadn't helped due to the fact that she reacted so calmly, i would understand. but you could have at least checked on her and asked her how she was--it's just basic compassion for someone you care about.

yta (slightly). you should have checked on her to show concern about her getting hurt (even though there was nothing you could do.) i do think she overreacted, though.

BENIGN

pretty self explanatory, my wife and i have 4 kids from ages 2 to 9. we both don’t believe in playing with them. our thought process is that we are not children, we are adults and adults don’t play with toys. we also truly believe that parents who are constantly involved in play time ruin their kids independence and imagination skills. we play “games” with them outside sometimes, and board games and stuff like “hide and seek” we always participate in. but if we’re at a park we’re not going to go on the jungle gym, we’re not getting on the floor and playing barbie or dinosaur or any of that. we’re not pretending to be time travelers in the backyard. as a result, our kids can play alone or together with their toys or use their imaginations and play together for hours without me or my wife. they are totally independent and i also feel are very mature emotionally and socially. in contrast, they have friends who cant just go to the park and play because they are being told what to do next by mom or dad. if one of these kids comes over, our kids will say “lets play with these toys” and they cant use their imaginations at all, they’re so used to their mom controlling every aspect of play time. playing pirates or some adventure game outside in our tree house? forget it, they need mommy their to spell out everything. these types of parents are usually annoying for adults too. they think they’re better parents don’t seem to care that little jimmy cant even walk down a hallway without asking “what should i do now?” well i had a conversation with my brother on the phone about this and he apparently is the opposite kind of parent as we are. he said he wished our parents had played with us like he was doing with kids (i can’t fathom that and loved our childhood) and that connecting with his inner child was the best part of having kids. he did agree that our kids are more independent than his but why would he want his kids to be independent at that age, he loves that they need to include him in play time. i disagreed and explained why, and my brother said i was a selfish parent and a hands-off dad. he said he wasn’t sure how me or my wife could ever truly be fulfilled as parents. he said we are basically being assholes to our children. my wife overheard this part of the call and we are both feeling a little guilty? maybe he’s right and we are too hands off. i look at them having a blast and playing together coming up with the funniest stuff to pretend i could never think of, but maybe we should be getting on the floor and playing tea party or legos? are we being ahs to our kids?

aita for never playing with my kids?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nlmxh0/aita_for_never_playing_with_my_kids/

2021-05-26 17:45:50

yta not for how you parent, but the way you judge other parents for not taking your hands off approach. you are not a universal gold standard for parenting. just because this works for you doesn’t make it the “right way” to parent, and it certainly doesn’t give you license to look down your nose at every other parenting style. different things work for different families and different kids. you have no right to judge, just like other parents have no right to judge you. this post contains significantly more information about you judging other parents than it does about your parenting style, by a pretty significant margin. you may want to consider why that is.

yta for the holier-than-thou attitude you have, calling other parents 'annoying' and their child 'non imaginative'. you don't sing or do art & craft with them? i do sit down to play with my child and run with her at the park but it's very child-led - i don't tell her what to do, i let her lead the play. she's very innovative and imaginative, coming up with her own play or art ideas i'd never even thought of myself. i just want to enjoy these short years of her wanting to actually play with me before she grows up to have her own world. it's a great way to bond with them and they learn a lot from what we model too. also it's a great opportunity to introduce new vocabulary or fun facts to them while they play... they're so young, there's still so much they don't know, and they learn like a sponge, it seems like such wasted learning opportunity to just let them be. it's just unfathomable for me, not wanting to get involved in their wonderful world of imagination and innocent happiness....

yta. you can do both - play with your kids and have mature/independent children. you’ve created a false dichotomy that says the two can’t coexist. and your examples of children with no imagination because their parents do everything for them is not proof that you should never play with your kids.

yta kids love playing with their parents, it's how they bond. teach them independence definitely, but its pretty harsh to have an outright ban on playing with their toys with them. your brother is right

yta for your weird all or nothing approach and your clearly judgemental tone in the middle of the post. engaging in imaginative play with your kids doesn't mean directing that play. you can play with your kids and encourage independence and imagination at the same time. this is a really weird rule to have.

yta you sound very judgmental on other people’s parenting style

ok, so hear me out. i have this crazy profession that people actually pay me for. what i do is i play pretend for a set amount of hours. i legit pretend to be a whole different person with a whole different life. sometimes, i’m not even given the words, i have to make them up as i go. can you guess what job this is where you literally play pretend and get paid for it? yta. mainly, for the all or nothing perspective that is so inflexible, and the sanctimonious attitude about parents who do play pretend with their kids. as a previous commenter said, it doesn’t seem like you’re unable, it seems like you are unwilling. and your children absolutely see that kids are wicked smart. you’re not an asshole for not playing pretend, you’re an asshole for lying to yourself that it’s because you think it’s harmful if you get involved and then judging other parents who do. the fact you see other kids as “immature” and admit in another comment that you have zero scientific evidence to back it up means your still an ah. also more independent kids isn’t necessarily a good sign. it is also a sign that the children know they can’t rely on you for emotional support so they grow up faster and learn to take care of themselves from an earlier age. long story short: you just don’t want to. which is fine, just stop lying to yourselves and being judgmental.

yta - when your kids become adults and dont care to spend anytime with you, you are not allowed to be upset about it. clearly you do not care for their time, so don't surprised when they treat the same.

yta. kids want to play with their grown-ups because they want to engage with adults that they live and want then to be a part of the fun. a healthy mix of independent and joint play is fine and will in no way stunt a child's development. same on you for your holier-than-thou attitude that parents who play with their kids are someone hurting them. oh, and also, >adults don’t play with toys bullshit

i had parents like you. i had to grow up very self-sufficient and independent. now my parents are upset that i don't reach out to them more often. well... that's how they raised me. yta.

BENIGN

this happened yesterday. me (15f) and my friends were in the changing rooms, changing back into our uniforms after p.e, when i caught this girl (kelsey, 15f, lesbian) with her phone out. as a general rule, no girl is allowed her phone out while others are changing as some people have been caught taking pictures of others. obviously most girls still use their phones, however kelseys phone was angled really weirdly, like she was taking a video of me, and she looked quite jumpy and her eyes kept darting across the room. it was just really weird and was making me uncomfortable, so i asked, "are you videoing me?" a thing to note is that kelsey is kinda the "outcast", as shes openly lesbian, and just different from everyone else, so people usually mock her. i didnt mean to make her feel bad, i just felt really uncomfortable. however my friends began sorta yelling and calling her a creep, and even though she kept saying she wasnt, they kept going on with it. i tried telling them to stop, but one girl grabbed her phone from her hands and began looking at it and showed us all, while some girls were stopping her from coming close to us. it turns out she was texting her mum to come get her because she couldnt finish the school day. i told the girl to just give her her phone back, but kelsey had already started crying and was packing her stuff. our p.e teacher came in because there was a lot of noise, and when she saw kelsey crying she took her out. when she came back, she began yelling at us and called us all bullies, and me the "ring leader". i tried to explain that i thought she was videoing me and didnt do anything, but she called my parents anyway. my mum says im wrong and wants to ground me as i caused her to be bullied, while my dad and sister say that i had a right to ask if she was videoing me as its happened before, and its not my fault the other girls bullied her. aita?

aita for causing a girl to get bullied after she had her phone out in the changing room?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tuogcm/aita_for_causing_a_girl_to_get_bullied_after_she/

2022-04-02 17:36:01

yta and your friends. you all break that rule, but because she's lesbian you pay extra attention to her? sorry to say, but that's quite homophobic. you don't seem to give a fuck when your other friends do it, but suddenly when the 'outcast' (who you said was an outcast for being lesbian.. which is homophobic too) does it, suddenly it's a big deal. you could've stopped your friends before they took the phone, you could've gone up to her and said it silently to her. instead you didn't.

you do have a right to not be videoed, but the way this is written makes you sound homophobic. if your tone wasn't sounding that way i'd say n t a, but honestly it does so yta. and your friends are bullies. you should feel bad for her and apologize for what happened (whether you meant to or not you were a part of her getting bullied and she was just texting her mom so have some empathy, even if you thought you were being videoed you were wrong)

yta. you seem homophobic. do you watch that closely when your non-lesbian friends have their phones out? no, you don’t. you only made an issue of it because she’s a lesbian. and you didn’t do everything you could have to stop the pile-on after you *publicly and falsely* accused her. your mom did right. be grateful for her, because she’s trying to teach you to be a better person.

yta, you mentioned she’s lesbian twice, the fact you mention it shows that it matters to you that she’s lesbian. if it were anyone else would you have said for example “emma, straight had her phone out” no you wouldn’t. you sound like you targeted her because of her sexuality and you’d rather flatter yourself and get the poor girl bullied than just let her get on with her life.

yta. as a former teenage lesbian (now and adult lesbian who is happily married) i can guarantee you that one lesbian who you happen to share a class with has absolutely no interest in you or any of your friends! there is no reason for this kid to be videoing you if she's already, and in your words, "...kinda the "outcast", as she's openly lesbian, and just different from everyone else, so people usually mock her." she would not want to bring any attention to her in what she probably knows is a hostile environment. not to mention that she was jumpy and did not look like she was okay which would lead anyone to believe....she wasn't okay. yes you are entitled to privacy in the locker room. by your own admission everyone breaks the cell phone rule. by your own admission when others appear to be doing the same thing you don't call them out. you replied to a comment that "yeah a few months ago this girl, whos straight actually, was kind of doing the same thing and it turned out she was videoing me and my friends" yet you did not question them? you did not enlist your "normal" friends to make that person cry. you didn't think twice about a "normal" girl having her phone out, presumably noticeably since she was recording. yes this incident may have brought up your defenses in this situation, and your response was probably a visceral rather than malicious, however it was the events that unfolded afterwards and your lack of anything after, while also siding with your dad and sister who tell you you did nothing wrong, is what continues to make you the ah. take a step back and evaluate the situation. if it had been you not feeling well and wanting to just go home - then having to deal with this- how would you want to be treated? what would you want to be done? now is the time to reflect on what happened and sincerely apologize for your part and maybe, get to know her. so next time she takes out a phone you might not jump to the conclusion that she are up to nefarious dealings.

yta - you have every right not to be videoed and look, she wasn’t videoing you. what were you trying to achieve exactly when you asked the question loud enough for others to hear? did you think she was going to tell you the truth if she was? could you have told a teacher? more importantly why not tell a teacher every time anyone uses their phone in the locker room. if it bothers you all so much then phones should be left outside the locker room. imagine if you would have told a teacher what you thought - and whether you were right or wrong, they banned phones from the locker room and strictly enforced it. how would you and your friends feel about that?

i'm going to say yta based off how you have written the event out. i do not see you asking her privately or quietly if she's recording you. i see you saying it very loudly and in front of all of the other girls, maybe for validation or backup, since they grabbed her phone and proceeded to go through it. i really feel like you knew they would pounce on her without a second thought and back you up while you could claim innocence because "well, it wasnt me who went through her phone! i told them to stop!" i also find it sketchy that you would be cool with other girls on their phone, but the lesbian is the one who you would accuse of recording you. sounds pretty homophobic to me.

yta. you don’t care that everyone else uses their phones, but since it was the “outcast lesbian” it was a big deal. and then didn’t put an abrupt end to it when they took her phone and found out that you falsely accused her. you directly contributed to the bullying and did nothing to actively stop it. the school is also ta for not adhering to what should be a very strict no phones in locker room guideline. if they actually enforced that rule, none of this would have happened

yta and obviously extremely bothered that she’s a lesbian and use that as a fact as to why she’s the outcast as if that justifies it? something tells me she wasn’t videoing you and you jumped to conclusions because you think every lesbian on earth is attracted to you and i can’t guarantee they are not

yta. the way you talk about her - she’s the outcast, she’s openly lesbian - makes it sound like you’re actually not comfortable with her being around you. even if you don’t take part in the bullying directly, you’re not stepping up to stop it, and you’re calling attention to the fact that she’s breaking a rule that all of you break despite knowing she’ll be mocked and made fun of. you have a right not to be videoed, but you immediately assumed that the reason she held her phone at an odd angle and didn’t want others to notice her was because she was videoing you. you jumped to that conclusion, instead of thinking that maybe a girl who’s already bullied and mocked might want to avoid notice and keep others from seeing her phone screen for more personal reasons. you’re the reason everyone knows she was texting her mother, and she’s going to be bullied for that. people might even assume that she *did* video you and the texting was a coverup. i’ve been bullied, it doesn’t matter what you actually did, just what they think you did. i’m going to say your mom was right to want to ground you. you behaved very unfairly to that girl, and this is an earned consequence.

BENIGN

i (30m), my wife (31f) and our kids (10m, 7f, 5m and 2m) went to my sister’s (34f) house on easter to celebrate the holiday. my parents, other siblings and their families, ect were all there. my sister that was hosting us and her husband (34m) have 7 kids (16m, 14f, 13m, 10f, 6m, 3m, 1f). me and my siblings all have fairly large houses (which is useful, because you can probably tell we have a large family) and we alternate easter every year with who hosts between ourselves. all of us brought food, but my sister made the majority of it because she was hosting this year. her 13 y/o son, my nephew, said he didn’t want any of the food that was cooked and went in the kitchen to cook his own food. i didn’t see a problem with this because growing up our parents always told us (once we were old enough) if we didn’t like what was made, we could cook for ourselves. when my sister saw he was trying to cook himself food, she told him to get out of the kitchen and sat him down at the table and told him he needed to eat what was cooked, he started complaining and told her that he was making the food, not her, so he should be able to cook and eat for himself because “i’m not making you make an extra meal”, the same logic she had used on us before, as did our parents with us. she objected by saying it was easter and he needed to eat what was already made and just be grateful, he sat there and refused to eat any of what was made, he wasn’t making a tantrum or anything, just sat there, my sister tried to get him to eat but he refused, she didn’t try force feeding him psychically or anything like that. eventually, she told him to go to his room, so he did, hungry. i then went to my nephews room, he was upset and i asked him if she had made him go to bed hungry before, he said that she hadn’t and he was shocked to see her this angry, he kept telling me about how, like i mentioned earlier, his mother always told him if he didn’t like anything made, he could cook for himself, he explained he didn’t want anything that was made, so he started cooking for himself, i started to comfort him and then gave him some easter candy. my sister came into the room to give him some clothes that were in the dryer, she got upset and told me that i wasn’t his parent and shouldn’t tell him he was “right” for doing what he did, and we then got into an argument about how she basically sent him to bed hungry, she went on a rant about how she’d never do that but she couldn’t tolerate him not being grateful and how “it’s not the same” as being able to make something for himself because “he likes the food that was made”. she told me i was being an asshole and a jerk and shouldn’t get involved, and some of my siblings heard what was happening and said she was right and i shouldn’t try to parent him, i just wanted him to not be hungry, and wanted to make sure there wasn’t a deeper issue, he’s my nephew and his well-being is still my concern. aita?

aita for defending my nephew for cooking for himself on easter

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u7v648/aita_for_defending_my_nephew_for_cooking_for/

2022-04-20 12:17:34

it would say a small yta. i get the whole if you don't like the food then cook for yourself. but i do believe there are exceptions. like if he had told he didn't want any of it before you she cooked and you sat down to eat, then i get it and support him cooking his own meal. but she probably made food for a lot of people, and he just decided he didn't want any. was there an actual reason or just because he decided he wanted something else? i think there is also something with respecting the person feeding you and spending time to cook for you, and learning you can't just have everything you want all the time. also, he is not your kid he is your sisters. being a bit hungry will not hurt him, so don't try to make him feel like his mother is a monster and then sneak candy to him.

esh. you don’t mention that he couldn’t eat anything on offer for dietary reasons; he just didn’t want to. and while politely declining and eating later is fine, he shouldn’t just go barging into the kitchen in the middle of a celebratory meal without so much as asking because he’s unhappy with what his mom’s put a lot of hard work into preparing. that’s rude.

yta. the rule about cooking for yourself if you don't like anything is okay in some situation but for a big holiday meal where there is lots of food and his mother has been cooking all day for this is not the situation where he should be able to do that. there was plenty of food and he could have found something he liked i think it was rude that he started cooking for himself despite there being a lot of other food that everyone else seemed to enjoy and didn't have a problem with

soft yta. - you undermined her authority by going in and giving him candy etc - she told him to get outta the kitchen and eat what was already available, he was being picky or a brat whatever and wanted his way. - it’s not your job to conduct an investigation of the situation and if she says he is being ungrateful then that’s good enough, end of story, her kid and she wants him to learn an important lesson here. i can see your intentions were good but it wasn’t that deep. what kid hasn’t been sent to their room hungry for being absurdly picky? i’m sure she would have sorted it out on her own terms.

yta. she's right -- she's the parent, you should have stayed out of it.

ugh. i don’t know your family, but i can see someone viewing this as interfering. did you have any reason to ask him whether she sends him to his room hungry? also, the cooking for yourself rule should not apply at a family gathering where there are probably multiple foods the kid could eat and likes. it sounds like he was being a bit of pain in the ass and a brat. the rule is for when you don’t like what was cooked, imo. you were kind of undermining her parenting? but then again showing concern for you nephew… nah

light yta. she is correct, it wasn't your business. you don't know what her intentions were or the best way to parent *her* child. if you were concerned, you should have talked to your sister first. but i'm glad you cared about your nephew. just remember, he is 13 and nowhere near an adult. his parents probably know best. you are not around enough to have the right to step in.

yta. (1) unless she's abusing the child, stay out of her parenting. she was not abusing the child. he had food to eat but he chose to go to bed hungry. and that won't kill him. (2) she was right! there is a time & place for everything. this was not a tuesday night nuclear family dinner, where it's ok for an older child to make his/her own food. this was a holiday meal and extended family gathering. it was not appropriate for his little highness to reject the meal and make his own that day for that meal. and then to pull that silent, sulking, refusing to eat nonsense -- he needed to be taught that it is not okay.

yta. you aren’t there all the time and have no idea the nuances of their relationship so you shouldn’t be butting in. for someone who has a bunch of kids yourself, you’re pretty clueless.

yta. the kid had a choice to eat the food presented or not eat. he chose to not eat. he’s not your kid and missing one meal won’t kill him.

BENIGN

hello all, very intrigued as to opinions on the following: ​ i am a heavy sleeper, and i mean a heavy sleeper. because of this my first alarm wakes me up 3.5 hours before my shift at work starts, and in case i don't wake up i have alarms every 30 minutes to periodically wake me up and ensure i don't go back to sleep/oversleep etc so i can get to work on time every day. ​ lately the person who lives in the apartment below me has been banging on the wall/ceiling when my alarm goes off, which i'm guessing is because it goes off at 5.30am. ​ this morning, my alarm went off at 5.30am and there was no banging, but i was too tired to get up and slapped the snooze button. 5.40am the alarm finishes it's snooze cycle and goes off again, at which point i turn it off. ​ 5.45am i hear loud banging on my apartment door, very aggressive and continuous banging. i would describe it as "open the damn door" knocking. i ignore it because i'm too tired to deal with confrontation and i don't want to end up in a shouting match that wakes up the rest of the residents. then they go downstairs outside the building, and start pressing the buzzer for my apartment and just holding it so it's a constant buzzing. then i unplug the receiver and the noise stopped. ​ i have emailed my building manager to advise of the situation and for them to suggest the best course of action moving forward, but i have the following questions: ​ 1. am i the asshole because my alarm is too early? 2. am i the asshole if i'm a heavy sleeper and require 3/4 alarms over a 2 hour period to wake me up? 3. what actions would you take in response to the actions of my neighbour?

aita for my morning alarm(s)?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dkw9ue/aita_for_my_morning_alarms/

2019-10-21 06:19:25

yeah yta ... i get you're a heavy sleeper but you still suck in this situation

yta. go to bed earlier if you can’t wake up in a single snooze cycle. with those 2 hour snooze cycles you’re only destroying your own sleep quality as well as those of your neighbours. buy a wake-up light to help get up. but more importantly, learn what your natural sleeping need is. if you need 9 hours a day, and only sneep 6 you’ll find it hard to wake up.

yta. what the actual fuck. you have alarms (plural) every 30 minutes? that is way too excessive. if i was your neighbor, i would complain to management or file a noise complaint.

yta and your neighbor is sick of it. grow up and get up with your alarm the first time. it sounds like this dude finally snapped after however long of you doing this. i don’t blame him. it’s easy to ignore one alarm and roll over but not when it goes off every ten minutes for an hour. put your alarm clock across the room so you have to physically get up to turn it off and stay up. i absolutely hate people that do this. you disturb everyone around you and don’t even care. this isn’t about your neighbor being rude. he wants to sleep. you wake him up every day and keep him up and he seems to have had enough.

yta. are you even a heavy sleeper? maybe your sleep cycle has just gone to shit because you abruptly wake yourself up 2 hours earlier than you need to then again every 30 minutes - ruining the quality of the extra sleep. either go to bed earlier or just have the final alarm and you'll probably find that you don't have trouble waking up or even that you wake up without the alarm.

yta. you need to see a doctor or work out some other solution (3.5 hours of alarms? seriously?). get an alarm clock that vibrates your pillow or has a flashing light or something. big big asshole

yta- please go to the store and buy some empathy. and then try to imagine being your neighbor. it must be horrible for him! i can totally imagine losing it, and banging on the door angrily. it's one thing if you hear your neighbor's alarm go off once in the morning very early; that sucks, but that's life. but the continious snoozing, the laziness.. my god how selfish! buy a wake up light, sleep with curtains open, or just decide to wake up when you need to. perhaps you'll even sleep better and wake up easier if you just sleep until the alarm goes at the true wake up time, without the snoozing hours prior.

yta my son is a shockingly heavy sleeper. like his alarm would go off for 2 minutes - he wouldn't hear it - snooze itself for 3, then go off at the 5 minute mark.......repeat for 15 total minutes. he'd sleep through the whole thing. i'd go in and shake/tickle/pinch/water him awake. it took me less than 10 minutes on the google machine to find an airhorn loud alarm with pillow vibrations. i thought it was impossible- but the kid wakes up. 3 fucking hours of alarms?!?! yeah, yta. if it's that bad, spend a few minutes online to find some solutions and/or talk to a doctor. that is so fucked to put people near you through.

yta. get the up and stop hitting snooze on your loud ass alarms. a heavy sleeper is someone who needs loud noise to wake up, not one who is too lazy to get up the first few times. also consider changing your diet. sounds like vitamin deficiencies if it takes you hours to get up.

yta. my husband was a rabid snoozer. it was very difficult for his family and his exes, and now i just boot him out of bed. he goes to sleep earlier so he is ready to wake up on time. you could do literally the same thing. for the record an actual heavy sleeper doesn't even hear alarms or people. you just hit snooze a lot. which makes you a jerk when occupying a shared building.

TOXIC

my brother has been dating amber for close to five years. during one point of their relationship, she cheated on him with his best friend jessie. they split for a few months and she continued to sleep with jessie. it was messy as fuck and tore our friend group apart. my family told him to dump her. she comes back crying a few months later and pleading it was a mistake. he ends up forgiving her and low and behold she's pregnant. everyone in my family says he needs to get a dna test but he refuses. he says he's not worried about it because it has to be his due to timing. i don't believe this. baby is born in november and i keep getting pressured to see it because i'm the aunt. my mom continously is texting me "when will the aunt see the baby?" i say i will visit when they get a dna test proving it belongs to my brother. i confronted my brother about this. he has the audacity to lie to me and say they did the dna test "when the baby was born in the hospital". yeah okay, bullshit. i tell him this is bullshit and not some routine test done. he doesn't press further. at this point my family is calling me heartless because i have refused to see his kid. my sister says he refuses the dna test. everyone in my family has tried to get him to agree but he keeps repeating he's not worried about it because he loves the baby and it's his. my family says i need to love him because he's my brother. i disagree. i'm not being an aunt unless i know this kid belongs to my goddamn brother. i feel my brother is being willfully ignorant in this and therefore if i agree to this, i am agreeing to him never finding out if the kid is truly his and blindly throwing his life away. am i crazy? am i an asshole?

aita for refusing to see my brother's baby?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/al7ftg/aita_for_refusing_to_see_my_brothers_baby/

2019-01-30 01:34:03

yes, yta. it's not your business, he's choosing to love the baby as his own regardless of the dna test. you're being weirdly invasive about their love life. you don't have to see the baby if you don't want but your reasons are pretty gross. i hope you don't get stepchildren if you are so against loving children that don't share your dna.

nta -- it sounds like you're being protective of your brother, not that you're being selfish. your brother is an idiot. the facts of his gf's cheating and "messy as fuck" relationship are enough for somebody in your brother's position to be skeptical of who's child it is. and the whole argument of "it doesn't matter who'se child it is!" is a load of bull because if it isnt' his child, that means his girlfriend is a lying manipulative cheater trying to crawl her way out of her dishonest ways and strap some poor guy along for the ride of helping her. don't listen to these other commenters pleading out "what about the baby!" type of arguments -- it really sounds like you just are out for what's best for your brother. he's not "choosing to love the baby as his own regardless of the dna", as another commenter said -- he's shoving his head in the sand like an ostrich, too afraid to face that reality rather than knowing it and choosing it anyway.

yta. such a huge asshole. has it ever occurred to you that your brother is a class act who loves this girl and wants to love this child regardless of if it has his dna? there is more to being a father than blood. she’s not saying it’s your baby and is not asking you to support it. so i don’t see what your problem is. however, if you keep acting the way you have been, you may just find yourself no longer welcome in your brother and his family’s life. because yes, whether you like it or not, he has chosen to be with his girlfriend and their child. grow up or get left behind.

well this is going to be unpopular here, but i’m gonna say nta. sure, your brother is entitled to his fantasy, but i get it. she’s just going to rip his heart out again and take the baby. why get close to it?

if he accepts the kid as his child, genetics don't really matter. yta. (but your brother may be kind of an idiot)

nta. your brother has literally been cucked....by his best friend. the type of woman that cheats on you with your best friend should be forgotten about and never be forgiven. it's a nasty, petty thing to do to someone. her took her back, most likely because she's a manipulator. fucking his friend was a power move, meant to humiliate him, and he still took her back. she will control his life for as long as he allows it. any other controlling behavior that you have witnessed, op? sounds like your brother is in an abusive relationship and everyone is looking past that fact because there is a cute little baby involved. you're looking out for him. it does matter if that his baby, it clearly matters to him. if it didn't matter, he'd have the test done. he wouldn't lie about having it done. but there is doubt in his mind, that's why he won't do it. because if it's true he will be humiliated, again. many men will live a life of desperation, in order to prevent being publicly humiliated. they sell paternity tests at every pharmacy.

when my parents got married, my dad "adopted" my sister and took care of him as if she were his own. she was just a baby, still around a year old when they got married. she has never known another father. that said, his parents were very reluctant at first but as she grew up, they treated her just like any other grandkid. eventually my parents got divorced but my dad remained her father (she was an adult at this point). my grandpa loved my sister, she would visit with him a lot. when my grandpa died, my dad's sisters chose not to include my sister in the obituary as a surviving relative. in their eyes, she wasn't biologically his grandchild so she "didn't count". ​ it seems that he doesn't want to know if the baby is his. he is going to be there for her and that's the decision that he's made. you can disagree with it, if you'd like, but i think yta.

nta these idiots are delusional or just want to be politically correct. if the dude really loved the child regardless he would take the damn test and be happy no matter the result, he is just denying the possibility which is quite big, maybe the way you are dealing with this will make him open his eyes and then he has the chance to actually decide, also if he then says he doesn't care (if it wasn't his) and you still didn't accept it as your nephew then and only then you would be the asshole

esh you suck for not respecting his wishes. she sucks for cheating on him. he sucks for taking her back. you and your family suck for trying to pressure him to get a dna test. but he is choosing to be the father and it is what he wants regardless of if the baby has his dna or not, which i find very admirable, actually. he doesn't want to ruin that happiness. leave him be and stop punishing an innocent baby for the mothers mistakes.

yta. if he doesn't care, then you shouldn't either. that child doesn't have the fault of being born in such a messy situation, and that child deserves love from the people surrounding him regardless of what his dna is. i certainly think you're being heartless. you don't have to be part of the life of someone you don't wish to be, but yes, your reasons behind this makes you an asshole.

BENIGN

my dad has been sober for nearly four years. i assume it will get easier the longer he's been in the program and that he will eventually loosen up his schedule, but i'm not the only one in my family that is bothered by the amount of time he spends attending meetings. he spends 5 days every week in at least one meeting, regardless of any holidays or family events. in fact, he seems to frequently prioritize aa above family by simply leaving gatherings early or leaving the room in the middle of a meal to attend a meeting. all of his meetings are online unless he plans a day ahead to go out and attend one in-person. his sisters and parents are visibly bothered when he does this, and although i've tried to be polite and ignore it, recently, i brought it up to him. when confronted, he became fairly defensive. his reasoning was that he is an adult and can manage his time however he wants, and also that aa basically saved his life. i don't disagree with the latter at all, but i also know that even his friends within the program will take time off for holidays or family events/vacations. i just want to be able to spend more time with him given that his schedule is already tight due to work. aita?

aita for asking my dad to lessen his time on aa meetings?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/owongt/aita_for_asking_my_dad_to_lessen_his_time_on_aa/

2021-08-02 21:44:12

yta i understand you wanting to spend time with your dad but his sobriety is very important. you are fortunate to have a father who works hard to stay sober. enjoy the sober time with him. it may not be as much time as you like, but it sure as hell beats the alternative

yta. i’m a daughter of an alcoholic who’s been sober for 31 years and he still goes to meetings. the truth is these meetings are saving his life. those times your dad leaves may be the times he’s wanting a drink the most -family dinners used to have alcohol for him. he used to drink at family functions. maybe he’ll loosen up but you can’t be mad if he doesn’t. just be grateful

yta. family stress might be a trigger. recently, for the 4th i went to a family gathering. i had a weight lifted off my shoulder, because i was going to someone's home that they dont drink and it was a family event. well, some one came late, buzzed and a few byob. no big deal, dont drink, then. well, since he brought his the young 21 year olds ran to the gas station. more beer, more revelers drink. i left. hit a meeting and didn't say a word to anyone. my sobriety, my choice,my weakness and strength.

i am going to go a bit against the grain and say nah. i think people in this thread are being appropriately understanding of your dad and his sobriety, but aren’t taking into account how hard being the family member of an addict can be. you want things to be “normal” that might never be normal and that’s very, very hard. have you gone to al-anon, op? it’s specifically for family members of addicts, and i’ve heard it can be really helpful. i’m sure a lot of people there can relate to you, what you went through when he was drinking and what you’re feeling in terms of wanting to spend time with him now that he’s sober. i don’t think youre an asshole for basically wanting to make up for all the years you lost with him when he wasn’t sober, expecting to get that time once he achieved sobriety, only for him to still not quite be there. i think that’s very human of you, and the people in these comments aren’t being open to how hard it is to be a family member of an addict. have you tried talking to your dad about the meetings but instead of framing it as “i wish you’d prioritize family over the meetings,” asking him what the meetings do for him? what kind of support it provides? maybe he still feels guilty with loved ones but doesn’t feel that in aa. maybe he goes to the meetings because he still feels like he’ll slip. maybe dinners and holidays are hard because he used to drink at them, and he’d be open to some family events that are different from the ones he used to get drunk at. but yeah the best advice i can given is to go to al-anon, to hear from people going through what you’re going through. best of luck to you both.

yta. he is sober. he knows what he needs to maintain his sobriety. drunks fall off the wagon at 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. let him handle his disease in whatever way he needs.

i think this is a no win situation for op. you lose time with your parent due to their addiction, then you lose time with your parent during their recovery/maintaining sobriety. nah

i'm going to go with nah. i work in the mental health field and a lot of folks that we work with have co-occurring substance use issues. op, it might help you to think of your dad's alcoholism like any other mental health issue. some folks do fine with a little help (meds, some therapy) while others need a lot of support to stay well (daily contact with a social worker, medication prompts, group and individual therapy, supportive housing, etc.). he may develop other tools over time and need less support from aa, he might not. but what he is doing right now works for him and it isn't up to you to ask him to change that. what you can do is ask your dad how you can support him and ask to spend more time together. many folks i have worked with have a lot of shame around how they have treated loved ones while they were using, so approach your dad from a place of love and kindness. other commenters have recommended al-anon, which would probably also benefit you. good luck op! i wish you and your dad all the best.

yta he's doing what he needs to to stay sober. he feels the need to have the support of people who understand his struggle. his family very obviously does not understand. this has nothing to do with you or anyone else. or maybe it does and all of you just make him want to drink so he feels the need to get the heck away from y'all. either way yta.

yta. on a grand scale. i'm a recovering alcoholic, sober since 1989. it takes incredible amounts of strength and will power to stop drinking, and if your father needs help doing it, then he deserves all the help he can get. i can't even wrap my brain around the idea that his own family would whine and complain about the time he spends saving his own life. you should be ashamed of yourselves. i just hope you stop this incredibly insensitive behavior before he decides to give up and start drinking again.

yta. there is no reason he would spend so much time in meetings other than feeling he has to in order to maintain his sobriety. sounds like he's under a lot of pressure from work and family--do him a favor by showing him some compassion so he can take "kid is mad at me" off the list

BENIGN

sorry in advance for the long post. my daughter is 1.5 years old and is extremely easy to watch. i have a really good routine for her and as long as you somewhat stick to it, watching her is a breeze. i am a single mother and i work nights 5-10. my daughter goes to bed by 7-730 every night. from the start i told my niece i couldn’t pay her much and she was okay with it. she has been a huge help because there is no night day care around here. i can’t really afford day care (3.75/hr) during the day but she goes for a couple hours on tuesday’s and thursday’s so she can be around other kids and learn to socialize with them. so when my niece watches my daughter she’s working for a couple hours and then my daughter goes to bed and i still pay her for her time until i get home. like i said before she’s been a huge help, so when i got a new car (my gpa died and left my mom some money, she bought me a much needed bigger car to accommodate my daughter better) so i gave my niece my old car to thank her. that car is worth 8-10 thousand dollars. i give her christmas bonuses and my mom gives her money or buys her things all the time also, granted it’s her grand daughter so she would do it regardless but she does it more because she has been a huge help. because if i didn’t have my niece babysit, my parents would have to. don’t get me wrong they love my daughter but they are old and being up that late takes a toll on them. so the other day, she just up and quit on me. so here i am, screwed, no babysitter and i call my mom freaking out. they obviously watch her until i can find someone else to babysit. i have found someone else btw. but i found out the other day why she just up and quit. she was mad that i only pay her 2 dollars an hour. my nephew (her brother) mows my yard every once in a while and i give him what i can for it because it’s a huge help also. she was mad because it ends up being more than 2 dollars an hour. she’s mad because i am redoing my main floor in my house (painting, new furniture, flooring) i am doing all the work myself in my spare time and have been saving up for years to be able to do this. she’s also mad because she some how found out i have a bank account for my daughter, which has about 12 thousand dollars in. child support and most of my tax returns is what that is made up of. and i don’t touch it. it’s for my daughter. (future car, college, emergencies only) i also found out if i paid her 3.50 instead of 2 she would have stayed. which she never talked to me about or brought anything up about a raise. just told me she was quitting while i was walking out the door for work. am i the asshole for being upset on why she quit and thinking she’s a spoiled brat? i feel like me and my mom do a lot to show our appreciation but am i not allowed to have a savings? am i not allowed to upgrade my house? is all of my spare money supposed to go to her or am i the asshole?

aita for only paying my niece 2 dollars an hour to watch my 1.5 year old?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/gye2we/aita_for_only_paying_my_niece_2_dollars_an_hour/

2020-06-07 15:08:57

yta. none of what you have described makes any difference whatsoever to your obligation to pay people a reasonable sum for their services.

yta. i'm glad she quit on you, you were taking advantage of her. you really think her time as a young adult is only worth $2 an hour? come on.

yta for thinking that she is a spoiled brat, for thinking that any penny your mom gives her is also from you (wtf) and for paying 2 $/hour. she could have handled it better but she is a teen, if you want her back up her pay

yta. you have been exploiting her. doesn't matter if you want to upgrade your house or have plans for that bank account for your child's future. you've still been exploiting her.

i'm sorry, but yta. daycares can afford to charge 3.50 an hour, because they're watching a considerable number of kids at the same time. you're telling me that for 5 hours of work, a driving-age niece is getting $10 a night? a couple years ago, that would barely cover the gas to get there! and dont think "well, she's an easy kid, so its not a lot of work." no baby or kid is easy all the time. especially not when mommy's away. so give your niece some credit. she was, until recently, showing up, doing a job that no one else really seemed to want to do, and allowing you to work. she probably thought she was helping out a single mother in hard times. but there you are with your new car, your home renovations, and a tidy nest egg for baby's future needs. not struggling at all. btw the average for babysitting is $8-15 an hour. ps: child support is *meant* to support the child. as in, help pay for food, medical costs, and childcare on a day to day basis. not to be squirreled away for the future. thats why they call it child support and not child trust fund.

i think the spoiled brat in this scenario is the person who chose to have a child who they clearly weren't prepared to support, and who feels they're justified in severely underpaying someone for a job as critical as nighttime childcare. yta.

okay she shouldn’t have quit without notice but she is providing a service for you. full stop. yta all those “gifts” from your mom and bonuses you gave her are all things that you did ontop of her pay, therefore they are gifts and she doesn’t owe you anything for them, nor do they compensate for fair pay. she is providing you with care for your daughter. it doesn’t matter if you think she is the easiest baby in the world, she is still providing you a service. one that would cost a lot more than $3 had you hired from an accredited service. i can’t get over you saying “my daughter goes to bed and i still pay her until i get home”. no. you are paying her for her time when you leave the house until you come back. you’re not paying her from the goodness of your heart after your daughter falls asleep, that’s already how babysitting works. i’m sure she loves your daughter, and i’m sure your daughter is a good kid to watch. it is still a job and most babysitter/nanny will make $10-$20 a hour per child in most areas so you’re getting a bargain and shouldn’t have taken advantage of that.

> she’s also mad because she some how found out i have a bank account for my daughter, which has about 12 thousand dollars in. child support and most of my tax returns is what that is made up of. and i don’t touch it. it’s for my daughter. that child support money is literally money to pay a babysitter. yta.

huge yta! 2$ an hour? thats absolutely horrible! not even paying her min wage then having the gull to think shes spoiled pay her what shes worth and fyi standard babysitting is 15 an hour.

yta. so much. it sounds like she was taking crap pay because she felt bad for you and was doing you a favor. of course she flipped when she found out you could actually pay her more...but you aren’t because you are prioritizing saving for you child’s future nonsense and redoing you house. child support is your money, btw. paid to support your child. you know, with things like babysitting.

BENIGN

ok this is super weird and i know and i never thought i'd have to post something like this. my wife is a fan of "simple foods". stuff like light soups, salads, pasta dishes, etc. originally she would make her own dressings for the salads and pasta, but i guess she found it too much work and started buying a variety. it wasn't too bad at first, started off with 2, one for her salads one for her pastas, but gradually started building up. right now we have two side drawers full of different dressings, i'd say there's over 20. i've tried talking to her about it gently a few times, but she always kind of brushes it off as its just dressing and she likes having variety. well last night she came home with 2 more dressings! i finally snapped and told her she needs to control her weird ass dressing addiction because this is seriously getting out of control. she got pissed at me for calling it weird and said there's nothing wrong with having a variety of stuff that she uses nearly every day. well i had enough so after she went to bed, i started cleaning the fridge and threw a majority of them away. needless to say she was pissed when she woke up. she ended up leaving to her parents and won't answer my calls or texts. i called her mom who called me a controlling asshole and told me to leave her alone. now im wondering, seriously, aita??

aita for getting mad about my wife's dressing addiction and throwing a bunch away?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kzyihr/aita_for_getting_mad_about_my_wifes_dressing/

2021-01-18 16:55:49

yta. was this impacting your life negatively? was there not room for your food? i doubt it.

yta, she enjoys having different dressings. why is this such a big deal to you?

you unilaterally decide she has too many bottles of something so you get to decide to throw it away without her agreement? yta totally and completely. she might have too many dressings but that doesn't mean you are awarded sole authority over the fridge and can throw them away at will. wonder if this guy is related to the guy who was so annoyed his wife liked to drink out of mason jars, he threw them all away?

yta enjoying a variety of salad dressings doesn't qualify as an addiction.

yta and a thief. unless those were expired, you have no business throwing them away and calling it "cleaning." it's theft. how pathetically insecure do really have to be to even care how much salad dressing someone has? its food. why do you so badly need to be in control of someone else's food? normal people wouldnt even care. get counseling. there is something very wrong with you.

this is just goofy enough to be real, so i'll give you a serious answer. yes, yta. having a lot of dressings is not a big deal. it's weird, but it's harmless. if the problem is space in the fridge, then she should consider getting a mini fridge to hold them, which are pretty cheap if you get a used one, but if there's still room for everything else you guys eat then even that isn't necessary. bottom line, your wife buys a lot of something that she uses and enjoys, and you unilaterally decide to throw them away because... ... ... ? answer: because you're an asshole. find a solution to the space issue, if it even is an issue, and stop being weird and controlling over salad dressing.

yta. so instead of talking to her and trying to come up with a reasonable compromise about how much dressing is enough to have in the house at one time you threw a big tantrum and threw out *her* food that she bought with *her* money and that she clearly enjoys? yeah, it’s not surprising that she needs some space from you if you’re going to lose your mind at her over some food dressing.

"i threw something of my wife's away" aita? yes. yta

yta. you're always ta if you throw out something belonging to your partner that they want to keep. what's wrong with having a lot of dressings anyway? >one for her pastas that's what we call a "pasta sauce," not a "dressing." nobody "dresses" their pasta.

if this is an example of a big issue in your marriage, believe me when i tell you that these are the salad days. **yta**

BENIGN

we have two daughters, jody who is 26 and hanna who is 28. both of them are engaged to two wonderful men who we adore. my wife and i have saved roughly $50k for each daughter as a wedding fund. we aren't rich people so it took us years of being careful with our finances to help pay for half their college and this wedding fund. we sat down with both my daughters separately to talk about their wedding plans. they did not know we had a fund for them. this was probably our first mistake. hanna immediately said she did not want a large wedding and would rather save money for a house deposit. she was going to do a courthouse wedding followed by a reception next year. so my wife and i agreed we would give her the wedding fund for that purpose. again, we didn't communicate any of this with her. a huge mistake in hindsight. jody wanted a decent sized wedding. something the fund would've covered. my wife and i decided to pay for several of our family members from out of the country to attend. we knew it would be expensive but we knew we were only having one traditional wedding and we hadn't seen some close family close to 20 years. unfortunately, the costs started going out of control and we ended up taking $15k out of hanna's wedding fund to cover the difference. at the time, we felt ok doing this because the extra costs of the wedding were due to our decisions, not jody's. the wedding happened a few weeks ago and it was perfect. the problem now is that hanna is aware we paid for most of her sister's wedding. she isn't aware about the costs and that we had to use some of her wedding fund. a week after her sister's wedding, she came to us and said she changed her mind after seeing how beautiful it was. that she too wants a wedding like that with all of our extended family. my wife and i had to tell her there was no way we could pay for all the extras again because we thought it'd be a once in a lifetime situation. we told her we'd be giving her around $35k for a house deposit and hosting her reception at our home. hanna had a complete meltdown and accused us of playing favorites. she left in tears. she is now telling us she's too busy to meet for dinner or lunch when she used to drop by a few times a week. this situation has now reached other members of our family who are chiming in. this has been killing us. my wife told me we should just take the other $25k-30k from our savings to make this smooth over. a part of me agrees but a larger part of me is angry that we have to mess with our retirement just because hanna changed her mind. and i know part of her decision change is because of the constant competition our daughters have had growing up. aita for thinking everything should stick to the original plan? my wife disagrees with me.

aita for not paying for an equally extravagant wedding for my oldest daughter?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/deljwg/aita_for_not_paying_for_an_equally_extravagant/

2019-10-07 16:08:34

yta wtf. you took 15k from a fund you promised one daughter to pay for the other daughters wedding and have the nerve to tell her to suck it up? that is incredibly fucked up. you are essentially penalizing your daughter for your own excess spending.

> a larger part of me is angry that we have to mess with our retirement just because hanna changed her mind. so, you're not angry with *yourself* for spending more of the money you promised you would keep aside for her? because that is the root of the problem you guys are facing now.... yta, if you blame this on your daughter...

yta so you took money from one’s fund to make the first’s even more extravagant... look, what you’re doing is an incredible gift, 99% of us will never get that kind of money spent on us and you’re certainly incredibly generous. but you *were* playing favourites, your eldest daughter decided on a more practical use of the money, and she was punished for it...?? your younger daughter got to have her wishes fulfilled at *your* expense, and you promised equality between the two... then after the fact you decide the elder one is getting less. it’s a slap in the face. whether she’s acting entitled or not is up for debate but you naturally feel entitled to something that you’re promised... you built her up to knock he down.

yta the original plan was 50k for each of them. so jody got 65% and hannah got 35% of the 100k. 'extra costs were due to our decisions not jodys' but why would you dip into hannahs fund - weren't you going to give her 50k for a house deposit since she was going to have a cheaper wedding? yes your money is your money, but you were playing favourites. if you can top up hannahs to 50k.

yta. until the planning was done, she had every right to change her mind about the type of wedding she wants. additionally, you still should have kept the amounts even whether it was for a house or a wedding - you essentially punished the one for wanting a house instead of a party. no wonder they are competitive. you have to now mess with your retirement because of your decisions to spend more than the budget, not because she changed her mind. the blame lies squarely on your shoulders, not hers.

yta you stole $15k from one daughter to give to the other. you can insist that it was your money to do what you want with, but you agreed to give hanna $50k for a house purchase, then gave her money to jody. the only thing you said that i agree with is "everything should stick to the original plan"...which you didn't do.

yta: you are playing favorites by being unequal with them. you’re literally giving one daughter a lot more money. you should have left the other account alone and she would have been able to use that money for a future house or whatever. instead she’s punished for having a more affordable wedding? of course she’s changed her mind now, she saw how great the other wedding was. you should have thought of this sooner. don’t blame your daughter, blame yourself for poor planning.

> a part of me agrees but a larger part of me is angry that we have to mess with our retirement just because hanna changed her mind. no, you have to mess with your retirement because you made poor financial choices in the first wedding and didn't put your foot down where you needed to with regard to expenses. you felt like you had excess cash in the funds when you didn't and that is a mistake you need to own up to and take responsibility for. jody needs to repay the difference in the wedding costs (she wanted a big wedding, good for her, she puts in the work then) based on the fact that you had a honest open discussion about how much you were wiling to spend (you did this, right op?... right?...) and she decided that wasn't good enough and wanted 15k in extras. hanna just wants to be treated as an equal, and she legitimately didn't realize she wanted a big wedding until her sister had one, this happens with siblings, and it's something you signed up for as parents when you had your second child. they would be in competition with one another for a lifetime, and you are the impartial mediator of the issues, demonstrating fairness and ability to judge situations where there are difficult or ambiguous circumstances. basically you fucked up, and you are playing good kid bad kid. personally, i'd have avoided paying for any wedding costs at all, and instead just given them each cash to expend where they see fit. since you chose to be a part of the wedding team on wedding #1, you have to choose to be a part of wedding team #2 with equal weight. of course the other options is you disown the lesser daughter and keep the one you prefer. yta manage your finances better.

sorry, but yta. you’re mad that you may have to go 30k into your savings. sure, i get that. but no one forced you to dip into the one daughter’s money to fund the other’s wedding. the fact that you did this without hesitation (and have the audacity to now blame the wronged daughter for your error of judgement) tells me that this sort of thing has happened before. you’re worried about competition between daughters? there are reasons it exists.

daughters: were getting married! you: great! we have money saved up for the occasion! daughter 1: nice, i'll be able to have an extravagant wedding! daughter 2: i'd rather use it on a house, if that's okay with you. you: okay. also you: i'll upgrade daughter 1's wedding to an extra extravagant wedding from the money that would've gone to daughter 2's down-payment. yta, i don't see how you wouldn't be? when you have children you don't have to do everything 100% equal all the time, different people have different wishes. however, you shouldn't make as big of a difference as you're doing here. not only are you making a huge difference between your daughters, you're also effectively going back on your word.

TOXIC

i’m (23m) a polyglot (spanish, english, french, italian, and german) 3 of those languages are a kind of a mother tongue (i grew up in a spanish speaking country but my mom spoke in french and german to me) my dad is half german, half nicaraguan (mom is nicaraguan) i was an affair baby so i was never my dad’s priority, or al least one of them, my dad has his wife and 3 children (he always says he has four) his eldest legitimate child is the same age as me, i saw my dad few times in my life (because he lived in germany) i went a couple of times to him but it was horrible, (even if i spoke the language) i was always cast aside, my three half-siblings were always nice to me and we have a great relationship, i decided that i don’t like to speak german with my relatives because it reminds me much of him and the horrible time i spent at his house (only on holydays). two of my siblings (23m, 21m) came to live with me but i just set one rule, no german at home, (they only speak german and a bit of english) i have no problem speaking german with other people but when it comes to my relatives, it messes me up, because i had to deal with this abandonment issue and also the horrible time i used to spend with him in germany every year, where he saw me as a random person (he speaks spanish but never tried to speak to me because it was “disrespectful” to the others to hear a language they don’t understand) they speak in german between them and i have no problem with that, the problem is when they speak to me in german and expect i answer in german but i keep saying “any language but german”, they argue that why would they change if i can perfectly speak german, since english, and spanish are hard to them but i said they had to run an extra mile to speak to me because i’ll not answer if they keep speaking german, “it isn’t fair, it was much easier for you” they replied so yesterday i told them that german is forbidden and if they insist they better look for a new place. our dad called me today stating that i’m a “despot who imposes his culture” but i really have bad memories back when i hear them speaking german so aita here?

aita for forbidding a language and being “a despot who imposes his culture”?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/titab5/aita_for_forbidding_a_language_and_being_a_despot/

2022-03-20 19:52:59

yta for this reason right here >they only speak german and a bit of english) good job on treating your siblings the way your dad treated you.

yta. >(they only speak german and a bit of english) they only speak some english and you expect them to just... attempt to converse with you? if they were fluent that would be one thing, your house your rules sort of thing. but that's like me going to poland to live with family and they tell me i'm not allowed to speak english because it's just too painful for them to hear. (

you're the arschloch. it's the only language your siblings speak. you're taking your daddy issues out on them. if the language was that unbearable you would have a problem with them speaking it amongst themselves.

yta you get to set the rules for your own home, but you're being ridiculous and immature for it. german is the language that is easiest for them to speak, which everyone there can understand. get counseling and stop making your hang-ups everyone else's problem. you're just taking after your dad, mistreating people like this.

you’re no better than your father for treating them like that. you’re literally acting just like him. especially because you don’t want them speaking the only language they’re completely fluent in. you’re not trying to avoid being reminded of your past with your father. you’re just trying to pass down your emotions from that relationship with him down to your siblings. yta 100%

yta what the hell, op? you cannot ban people from speaking their native tongue and expect them to communicate in a language they barely speak. if hearing a language that you and \~130 million speak natively triggers you, then you need intensive therapy.

yta for making them speak in a language they’re barely able to the entire time. go to therapy and get over yourself so you can respect people even when they have something in common with your father

i'm going to put it this way: your dad only spoke german to you. you're only speaking english to them. yta. you're basically telling them don't talk to me anymore.

yta stop punishing your siblings for the pain your dad inflicted on you. it makes you no bit better than him.

yta you’re being ridiculous. if you have such strong feelings speak to a therapist. stop abusing your siblings.

BENIGN

throwaway because this is pretty personal. ​ about a year ago, this girl appeared out of nowhere. she was looking for her biological father and she dna matched with my sister in law. my husband is the only brother and he was in the right place at the right time and remembers this girl's mother. so, he's her father. i want to be clear that she was conceived before my husband and i met. she's over 30 years old. her mother didn't tell my husband about her existence and didn't tell her who he was, leading her to take a dna test. ​ my husband feels guilty for not being a father to her, even though it's not his fault. she doesn't blame him and she's not angry. she said she wasn't expecting anything and just wanted to know who he was but she was open to a relationship if he wanted one. he does. he talks to her online and on the phone and has had some video chats with her and her kids. she talks to our daughters. the whole family has accepted her and welcomed her into the fold. ​ i don't like it. my husband only talks to her when i'm not home out of respect for me. but it still bothers me. she's already grown. what does she want from him? she hasn't asked for money - yet. i just don't like the situation. it bothers me that he had a child with someone else. i just don't want her in our lives. he wants to go visit her and he would have already if not for the pandemic. i guess she'd already been planning a visit to our state at some point - it's a popular vacation state - and plans to visit to meet her biological family on the same trip, whenever it happens, but it's all up in the air due to the pandemic. i feel like it's too much. i mean, she said she just wanted to know who he was. she does. so why is she still inserting herself into the family? she's not really his daughter - she didn't grow up with him. she's not my daughters' sister. she's just some random person who happens to share some dna with them. can't she just live her life and leave us alone? i seem to be the only person who's suspicious of her and not laying out the red carpet. aita? ​ i think i might be the asshole because everyone else seems so happy about her appearance. but i'm not. and i get annoyed whenever she comes up in conversation or if one of my daughters mentions talking to her.

aita for not supporting my husband's relationship with an adult daughter?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/k16xz9/aita_for_not_supporting_my_husbands_relationship/

2020-11-26 02:54:49

> what does she want from him? are you joking? she wants to know who her bio father is. and she is absolutely entitled to try to do that. she also wants to try to have a relationship with him and again is entitled to do so. he's her dad ffs. and he is absolutely entitled to want to get to know his estranged daughter. why are you jealous of your husband's daughter? yta

you sound more like you're jealous of her on a sexual level not suspicious of her on any other level. you were so adamant that she's "grown" and "doesn't need him" sounds like you're worried about another woman taken attention away from you and you're family. thats his daughter who gives a fuck how old she is. she doesn't need to need something to want to know her father. he doesn't need to provide physical things to have a relationship with his daughter. you sound horrible and petty. yta. hard.

yta - everything you've said is all about your insecurities, not valid reasons for not wanting him to have contact with his adult daughter. it's actually pretty shitty that you want to block that. by all means be cautious, since she is a stranger, but seriously....yta.

yta, and you need to go to therapy, stat. your husband is dealing with 30 years of missing out on a daughter. you need to be supportive, not jealous.

yta- he has every right to connect with his daughter! what are you so afraid of??

yta. i had my bio dad until i was five. i found him again.... when i was in my my twenties and my child was eight months old. he had two children in between this, all accepted me with loving arms.... your attitude towards the situation is deafening. please seek therapy from a licensed therapist who deals in counseling those dealing with adult children of divorce.

yta for being suspicious of her, but honestly, it sounds like this is a lot to cope with and you aren't comfortable with it. maybe this is something you should talk to someone about, like seeing a therapist to work through your feelings or a family.couple's therapist to help mediate a conversation with your husband or the rest of your family. i don't think it's wrong or unusual that your husband and his adult daughter to want a relationship. but i also think it's valid that you don't like that he had a child with another woman. but this is something you're going to have to address sooner or later, so you might a well try to do it in a productive way and see a professional before it boils over and potentially implodes your marriage.

it is very sad that you are reacting this way. you should really stop and think about what you're doing and why. yta.

yta. she’s his daughter and wants a relationship with her father. you also sound like a terrible human being in general.

yta. you should know that you're the asshole and i think you probably do. your husband has missed out on an entire lifetime of someone with his blood running through their veins. he's allowed to want to know her.

BENIGN

as the title states. my (26m) wife (29)fwas putting our son to bed, i was taking a shower. our son(2) has been having issues sleeping as of late, when i finished showering i went into our living room, and waited for her to finish up our sons bed time routine. usually this includes waiting 20+ minutes outside his room for him to fall asleep. after a 10 minutes or so, our son started crying it went for a few seconds before i decided to take a look, my wife no where to be found, our son getting distressed. i decided i'll call out to my son, though when he heard me sleep went out of the window and it became play time. not wanting to break his routine i stayed outside of his room, across the hall is the toilet, i notice my wife is on there, alright happens. no worries, i knock the door softly to let her know i am out there. a few minutes pass our son still crying, and suddenly i hear the shower, i cant get our son to calm down and now my wife is showering, i knock once more.. no respo se, i knock louder, reaction. she storms out of the shower and yells at me for banging on the door. i exclaim that she should've let me know that she was going to shower, so i knew to go into our sons room instead of waiting for her. all hel breaks lose. am i the asshole? *

aita for telling my wife to inform me when she leaves our child alone?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wh2oq7/aita_for_telling_my_wife_to_inform_me_when_she/

2022-08-05 18:28:26

yta. cut the bs "i don't want to interrupt the routine." you're supposed to be the dad here. also, a crying baby can stop crying on their own. a mom can take a shower.

yta. the woman did put your son to bed and then just wanted to take a shower, as you already got to do. there's no tragedy the boy started crying, it's not like she left it alone on the street. kids cry. also, your reaction was exaggerated and disrespectful. you are overprotective with the child.

> i decided i’ll call out to my son, though when he heard me sleep went out of the window and it became play time. >not wanting to break his routine i stayed outside of his room, yta. you got him riled up and then didn’t want to have to actually try to put him to sleep. just admit it.

yta- first off, unless you tell your wife everytime you leave your son's side, you should not expect the same. you knew your wife was in the bathroom, so you should have let your son cry it out or help put him to sleep. step up and let the woman shit and shower in peace. damn.

yta for doing that thing way too many dads do - "i can't possibly do bedtime because when he sees me he just wants to play, ha ha ha." gosh, you must just be inherently more entertaining than your wife - a blessing and a curse, tee hee hee. it's lazy and self-indulgent. children want to play with their mothers too. it's *way easier* to play and let someone else do the hard work of bedtime. your wife has just chosen to *parent* him when it is not an appropriate time to play. there is absolutely nothing stopping you doing the same.

yta. you interrupted her shower, a basic need, because you didn't want to parent.

yta she put him to bed and he woke up. why are you putting all the bed times onto your wife? your the other parent.

yta. you can’t handle your own son crying for a few minutes & let your wife shower in peace? what good would it have done for her to tell you she was going to shower? the kid would still have been crying & you would still have no idea what to do. even when you knew she was showering, you thought it was critical to bang in the door & interrupt her to tell her that next time she has to tell you that she’s going to shower. wow. have some patience. you don’t have to say everything you think of right that minute. learn how to take care of your own child. let your wife have 15 minutes to herself to use the bathroom.

yta omg she isn't the house manager to tell you when and how to step up more just be a parent and do it! your edit is so infuriating in that regard

yta why isn’t your wife allowed to shower? and why couldn’t you just take over with your kid without having a tantrum

BENIGN

my best friends and i have a tradition where the weekend before thanksgiving we drive to mohegian sun to gamble and such things. i know it's silly but it's just us (we leave the thursday before thanksgiving and get back tuesday). however yesterday my girlfriend's dog died. she's very upset right now and asked me not go up this year so i can "mourn with her". i told herno because i already planned out the trip and i can't just do that to my friends and that it was just your dog and not a relative. she got really mad at me and told me to go f myself and stormed out (conversation was longer but that was jist of it). i told my mom about my situation and now she's really mad at me, so reddit aita?

aita for refusing to cancel my plans because my girlfriend's dog died

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dz3h4x/aita_for_refusing_to_cancel_my_plans_because_my/

2019-11-20 15:21:42

yta ... not for not cancelling your trip, but for saying "it was just your dog, not a relative." if you don't want to cancel your trip to be there for your girlfriend, that's fine, but you need to be sympathetic anyhow. saying what you said does nothing but demean her relationship with her companion and make you look like a jerk. this is a huge loss and she'll think about her dog forever. sometimes animals are more important than blood family. don't be a douche about it.

yta, not because you don't want to stay, but because her dog *just* died and you're minimizing how much it sucks for her. i'm not a dog person, i think people go way fucking overboard with the whole "pets are family" thing, but it just died. she's upset. now is not the time.

yta pets are a part of a family to most pet owners. you're being a dick, while she's mourning the loss of a family member and probably her best friend for years. and for what? gambling? sry dude, you suck.

yta. this clearly means a lot to her, and she is clearly reaching out to you for support. not only are you saying no, you said it in a very assholish way - "just your dog."

yta for the “just a dog” comment. if you don’t want to cancel your plans to comfort your grieving girlfriend that’s fine, but you don’t have to be a dick about it.

not too long ago i lost a pet. i saw it coming but despite that, it was hard. it still is. when my pet died, having the support of the people closest to me made a world of difference and made handling her passing a lot more bearable and easy to cope with. i can't imagine how much more of a wreck i'd have been if my partner had told me he would refuse to be there for me because he'd prefer to go gambling. part of being with someone is making sometimes unfavourable sacrifices for them. it's a way of showing you care and that they're important to you. yta

yta for not supporting your gf. i mean do you love her? if you say the answer is yes then you'd better look at your actions and make sure they reflect how you say you feel. support her

i think your issue is more how you said no than actually saying no. you should have gone gentle with "hey, i know this is really hard, but this trip is important to us and we've already got plans in the books. i really can't pull out last minute." hitting her with the "it's just a dog" and acting like her feelings don't matter is what makes yta.

yta. “only” her dog? you were at best insensitive and at worst cruel. a dog is a commitment of over a decade, sometimes 15 years. that’s a lot of time with another creature by your side and she’s understandably upset.

yta. when my dog died my gf was as torn up about it as i was because we had spent so much time together, with her, she loved my dog as much as i did. your complete detachment from not only the dog but also your gf’s emotions make me question the relationship. even if you weren’t ta for going on your trip you’re definitely ta for saying the dog isn’t as important as a relative

BENIGN

my 16yo son has an instagram account where he posts things involving his sports, friends, and links to his tiktok account. occasionally i like to see what he posts since he doesn't share a lot with me even though he is with me every other week. last week, i posted a couple of thumbs up emojis on a video of him doing backflips on the trampoline with his friends and my 10yo son. that was rare because my sons do not hang out so seeing a short video of them playing was sentimental to me. i found out this week my 16yo blocked me from his ig account when i went to see if he posted anything new. i thought he deleted his account. he told me he didn't want me to comment on his account because it was "embarrassing." i told him i was his dad and he said that is why it is so embarrassing. so i decided to change the wifi password when he comes over next week and will not give it to him until he unblocks me.

aita for changing the wifi password after my son blocked me on instagram?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jk9q5u/aita_for_changing_the_wifi_password_after_my_son/

2020-10-29 13:09:58

i'm sorry, yta. listen i feel you. the teenage years are so, so hard. just a minute ago they were sweet adorable children who hung on your every word and wanted to spend as much time as possible with you. then, the next minute you are the most embarrassing person in the world. it hurts. it really hurts when the people you love the most push you away. but this is what he is supposed to be doing. its natural and right that he is separating from his parents. and he is just learning how to do it, so of course he does it in a very painful way. but how you respond to this is going to determine if you have a strong adult relationship with your children. resist trying to reassert control. resist trying to force closeness. its just going to backfire. treat him as the autonomous person he is becoming, even if he doesn't have the maturity to treat you the same way yet. sit down and tell him it hurts your feelings to be dismissed as an embarrassment. tell him you understand that it isn't very "cool" to have your parents commenting on your instagram. promise that you will not do it again. in return, tell him he is still a minor, and you need to monitor his social media. in return for agreeing not to comment, you want to be unblocked. then make a plan to get your two sons together and go to the trampoline park. have fun, and see it in person! build those relationships, don't break them down!

yta, use your words to explain why you’re hurt rather than punishing him for normal teenage angst.

yta- um, so you’re basically planning to blackmail your son into letting you into his social media life? and you don’t see this as a problem? oooooookay.

here we go. another parent throwing a tantrum becuase their teenager dares to have a private life. yta op. and are just making sure he distrusts you even more.

sorry dude, but i’m gonna go with yta. it sounds like you got the reason and jumped straight to an extreme. i don’t like my mother having access to my social media’s, and i’m 21. it was so much worse when i was his age that i outright didn’t use social media at the time. talk to your god damned son. he’s at an age where having loving parents is embarrassing to him. punishing him like that won’t make him change his mind, it’ll just get you what you want in the short term.

although i understand you like to keep an eye on his instagram i think changing the wifi password is extreme. maybe ask if you can follow him again but do not comment on his posts? based on the information you’ve given yta.

yta- he is almost an adult and wants privacy. forcing your way into his life will mean he will force you out of it when he is 18. you are acting like a child.

yta. my parents have to check with me what they tag me in because i don’t want people seeing everything i do. just like his pictures and don’t be petty, talk to him.

yta based on the scenario. you know why he blocked you immediately after? because he knows you'll do childish shit like this.

yta. it's his account, he's free to block anyone he wants. do you seriously think by changing the wifi password he's now going to suddenly want to share more of his life with you? if anything, he'll have lost respect fo you because what you've done is extremely petty. you're like a kid who's broken their toy because they didn't get their own way.

BENIGN

my friends and i have formed a sort of unofficial lgbtq group and we occasionally fund raise for lgbtq causes etc. i tend to do the organising etc because i work in pr. we decided to do a bake sale to raise money for a local shelter. i organised it, sent out messages to people i thought would be interested in helping etc. important to note that we have a policy that only lgbtq people get involved, not intending to exclude others but because it's a community / safe space thing. i got a fb message from a friend of a friend, explaining that she's asexual and wants to get involved. i replied that asexual people aren't lgbtq and it's not an ally inclusive event. she responds that asexual people are lgbtq (it's a point of contention within the community tbh) and so she wants to help. i politely shut her down but promised to keep her in mind for future ally inclusive events. later we all decided that it wasn't a good idea to make it a solely lgbtq event because it limited the amount of money we could raise. i messaged the girl to ask if she still wanted to help. i did not tell her that i had only changed my mind because it was now an ally inclusive event, however word had clearly got round to her because she said she was offended that i did not consider her lgbtq enough to help out on that basis but would have her as an 'ally'. i accept that i am probably ta for originally excluding non lgbtq people from a fundraising event but aita for not wanting someone i (and the rest of my group) don't consider lgbtq to contribute to an intra-community effort?

aita for not including an asexual friend of a friend in an lgbtq group?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d2v3ym/aita_for_not_including_an_asexual_friend_of_a/

2019-09-11 19:00:04

yta jesus christ - your entire mission is about inclusion and acceptance, and not only do you go out of your way to exclude this volunteer - but then you only decide to include them to take their money. don't you see how ironic it is for you - a lgbtq advocate - to be concerned about whether this person's sexuality meets the requirements to be in your clique?

yta 100%. asexual people are lgbtq, this is more of a point of contention outside of the community than in, anymore, and has been steadily growing in acceptance for a while. don't put us back in the proverbial closet for not being "queer" enough.

yta asexual people are part of the lgbt community.

yta. asexual people are part of the lgbt community and always have been whether you like it or not. i don’t blame this person for not wanting to participate or interact with you at all after you made it clear you don’t respect their identity or their place in our community.

yta, you're gatekeeping. this is exactly what they want you to do, turn on each other and keep yourselves divided so that individually you're too weak to accomplish anything. > later we all decided that it wasn't a good idea to make it a solely lgbtq event because it limited the amount of money we could raise. i messaged the girl to ask if she still wanted to help. this makes you an even bigger asshole, imo. you decided she wasn't good enough for you until you realized you couldn't hack it by yourself, so you toadied up to her because suddenly she was useful to you? that is just sickening.

yta. this is why they keep adding letters... i’ve definitely seen it with an a for asexual. are you deliberately choosing which letters you want in your group? are you not okay with intersex folks either?

yta. asexual people are included as lgbt. that’s why people sometimes write lgbtqia, where the a is for asexual.

yta. asexual people are lgbtq+. we face bullshit too. i've gotten more shit for being ace than i have for being trans. corrective rape, mocking, etc.

yta. the whole point of lgbtq is to support people that's sexuality are questioned. tbh you excluded somebody solely because of their sexual views...tbh it's hard not to say you're 100% ta.

yta in the case that you’re not a troll... you are wrong. asexual people are part of the lgbt+ community. and you’re wrong for excluding anyone to begin with. why would you even exclude people that are allies?

BENIGN

i am a cna, i wear scrubs. after work i went to bealls outlet to shop. i got a good amount of stuff. 3 bags. when i walked out, there was a man sitting outside of the store. he chased me down to my car screaming “nurse,nurse” “i am not asking for money, i just need something to eat. i haven’t eaten.” i work hard for my money as does everyone else. 12 hour shifts are not easy. so i do not give out money anymore, because when i use to people declined food and always wanted cash. i have had my experiences. anyway i’m like poor guy but i don’t have cash. again he said he didn’t want money just something to eat. so i offered to go to mcdonald’s in my head i was like i’ll get him two mcchickens and a coke. i shouldn’t spend no more than $5. cuz i wouldn’t give someone on the street $5. i rather spend it on my children. while i was thinking this, the man says “can you get me a big mac with large fries and a coke.” it caught me off guard. (now i am a person who cannot say no, all my life i struggle when i am put under pressure, i freeze up and feel like i owe people a yes. it really sucks.) i wanted to say no but i couldn’t. so i said yes. in my mind i’m thinking that’s like $8, sorry but no. so i lied and said yes and just left. my husband says i’m an a-hole for making that man wait. but hear me out, i feel like if you are hungry, you would appreciate anything someone can and will give you. aita?

aita homeless man asks for food, tells me what to get him.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/txbwt3/aita_homeless_man_asks_for_food_tells_me_what_to/

2022-04-06 02:38:33

yta. you offered to go to mcdonald's then got offended when he asked for a mcdonald's? then you lied to him, got his hopes up, and left him waiting there. wow, i really hope you don't ever fall on hard times and meet someone as uncaring as yourself. you're not obligated to give him food or money if you don't want to, but don't lie to someone like that. you were too cowardly to say no, so you took the easy way out (for yourself) at the expense of someone else.

yta you have gotten him whatever $5 meal you wanted to you could have said no you could have given him $5 you could have ignored him. none of those things would have made you the asshole. instead to lie to him for no reason.

yeah, yta for lying to him. you would not have been ta if you had said no or told him you were only comfortable spending $5. i know it’s difficult to state your boundaries and hold to them. but lying to him and then just leaving is messed up.

yta either say no or go get the food. you offered mcdonalds but somehow are caught off guard because he asked for arguably the most common mcdonalds meal? you could have said, sorry, i only have money to get two mcchickens. you could have said no. instead you left a hungry man waiting hopefully for food only to never show back up.

your husband is correct. yta

yta. you offered. let people retain their dignity by choosing their own food. by your own admission, the difference would have been $3

yta, and potentially classist. either set the terms you're comfortable with or have respect enough to say no. things are difficult all over and this is a human being you've left believing they were able to get a meal in. try to imagine the heartbreak they felt when you didn't return. you don't know their story. you don't know when they last ate. their life isn't yours to judge, but you've shown not a lack of compassion, but the opposite. you've taken hope from a person who may desperately be counting on the kindness of strangers.

yta your cowardice is repulsive

yta. imagine being homeless and not eating for 3 days and someone says they will get you food and then just leaves. you should have told the guy a limit instead of just impromptu hauling ass because a basic request was $3 over your mental budget. yikes on bikes. i hope you remember this situation if you ever need any kind of help from a good samaritan.

yta your contempt for the houseless is palpable, you're not as good a person as you imagine you are.

BENIGN

i 53m have two daughters 21f and 19f they both live out of our home province for school. since they both live so far away, and since they only visit for christmas i always pay them back for whatever they spend on travel fees (one has to take a bus and a ferry to get to us and one has to drive ten hours.) i do this mostly because i know they won't come to visit me and my wife at all if i don't cover the cost of them taking time to travel here. well, earlier this week i got a call from my eldest she told me what the cost of her traveling was going to be and if i could send her the money after she books. i told her no as she's working now on top of school so she can afford it and i'm tired of paying for their trips here, she blew up on me because she only made the trip to keep me and my wife happy so it's the least i can do. she hung up and told her sister what's going on so now their both not going to visit at all and are going to spend it together. my wife is all in a panic now because they're not coming and keeps telling me to fix it, i think that i'm right and they're not being grateful after everything i've given them before. aita for telling my kids i won't be reimbursing them for travel expenses?

aita for telling my kids i won't be reimbursing them for travel expenses?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rc0g95/aita_for_telling_my_kids_i_wont_be_reimbursing/

2021-12-08 20:40:30

yta. you can’t force them to go on a trip and then expect them to pay for it. especially since money is often tight as a student, even with a job. they are both well within their rights to refuse to travel, since it is their money

yta > she's working now on top of school yea, people who are in school and work cannot afford to travel. > i think that i'm right and they're not being grateful after everything i've given them before. no, they are poor, because they are students and in their early 20's in 2021. its been 30 years since you were in your 20s. you are out of touch.

yta. they're students. i couldn't imagine not paying to fly my college kids home for christmas. your poor wife, you just ruined her holiday.

yta.... " she blew up on me because she only made the trip to keep me and my wife happy". there is a deeper issue here and if neither of your children want to see you voluntarily, you cannot force them to. it's sad for you and your wife, of course, but could you possibly change your plans for the holiday to go to them as they are celebrating together?

yta for setting a precedent that you’re going to do this and then flipping it 180° right before the holiday. no problem in deciding you aren’t paying this anymore, but a fair amount of warning to them (to give them, ya know, time to work and save up) would have been considerate. if they’re newly out in the world and broke, and you’re not chipping in, anticipate that you’re going to see them less as things like food and bills are just going to come first.

yta. why is it just up to your kids to see you? you want to see them, go see them. they're not obligated to spend money they still probably don't have for a trip you want them to take and aren't willing to go to them. and why can't your wife give them money? it's not just your decision... makes me think they have a good reason to choose each other beyond just the money.

edit yta. your daughters can not afford to come and based off things that happened in the past your daughters don't want to see your wife. they aren't going to overextended themselves for someone who doesn't listen to them. it sounds like they legitimately can't afford to come if you don't pay for it. is your relationship with them good? is your wife's relationship with them good? i'm asking because you seem to ignore the realities of what they make. if it's too costly for you then you just won't see each other, that's how it works.

gentle yta. you want your children to spend their money to do what you and your wife want them to do. they’d rather stay home and save their money. that’s their right. you can either pay for travel and see them, go see them yourself, or not see them. you cannot make them pay to come see you if they don’t want to.

yta - your kids are barely out of the nest, and you're making it a financial burden and a time burden to come see you.

ywbta if you expected them to come and pay their own way. but instead, you’ve come up with a perfect solution: your children (who dislike you) now don’t have to spend any of their hard-earned money and precious free time with you! and you, a self-righteous middle-aged man, can enjoy your smugness all christmas long! at this rate, you can look forward to many holidays without the hassle and expense of your daughters. in fact, you can probably plan on never having to pay for their weddings (you won’t be invited, anyway) or meeting your grandkids (i hear they’re pretty expensive, too!).

BENIGN

my lifelong best friend, eddie, started dating his boyfriend, logan, for about two years. i’ve always gotten along with logan and we often joke back and forth. logan is ftm trans and passes perfectly, i’ve literally never thought of him as a woman or anything. over the weekend they both came over and smoked a ton of weed. note that when i’m high i have diarrhea of the mouth and i talk *way* too much. at some point the two slinked off to probably fool around while i watched tv and when they returned i jokingly asked them what they were doing, to which eddie jokingly replied “sucking his dick”. this is usually our humor so it wasn’t tmi or inappropriate or anything. i joked back “now i know you’re lying. logan doesn’t even have a dick!” i thought they’d laugh and play along but instead it got awkward and logan said something along the lines of “yep, thanks for the reminder.”. they were supposed to spend the night but eddie called it off early after another awkward half an hour and sunday morning he sent me a text saying jokes like that aren’t really appreciated and he’d like me to apologize to logan for my “transphobic comment”. i see how the joke is completely out of left field but i do not think it was transphobic because i just plain didn’t mean it that way. we joke about mental illness all the time (but i do now realize that he never brought up his trans-ness as a joke). i do want to apologize for how my comment was taken but i don’t want to apologize for transphobic comments when that wasn’t transphobic. should i just bite my tongue and apologize for the sake of the relationship or was it just a joke that didn’t stick well?

aita for accidentally saying something ‘transphobic’?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dogqgn/aita_for_accidentally_saying_something_transphobic/

2019-10-28 22:39:23

yta — not being “fully male” biologically is a major point of insecurity and sometimes self-loathing and dysphoria for ftm trans people. what’s worse, it’s not something they can “fix”. if you want an example of how bad dysphoria can get, there are numerous cases where mtf trans people have literally cut off their own genitals because they couldn’t afford surgery, or cases where ftm trans people have bound their chest so tightly that it caused serious damage. as such, this kind of reminder, even as a joke, can be extremely painful. it doesn’t matter that they brought up sucking dick as a joke; you took it to a very specific place—namely calling the trans guy out for the one thing he just cannot change. you’re not a raging asshole or anything, but it was insensitive in a sort of uneducated way. so you should apologize, and not simply to keep the peace, but because it’s the right thing to do.

yta. impact over intent. just because you “didn’t mean it that way” doesn’t mean it wasn’t transphobic. just accept that you fucked up and apologize.

yta you crossed a line, and it was \*at the very least\* extremely rude. you made a joke that disturbed and hurt someone's feelings. it doesn't matter how \*you\* evaluate the joke, your audience thought it was over the line and inappropriate. professional comedians may or may not care when their jokes are hit or miss with particular fans or viewers, which is fine, it's a job and they develop their own philosophies around their work. your 'audience' consisted of two people you claim to care about and whose company you enjoy. the fact that you care more about the technicalities of whether or not the joke was 'appropriate' or 'inappropriate' as opposed to focusing on the fact that your words upset and hurt your friends makes you an asshole. it's not unreasonable for this to be an area of sensitivity for the couple. even if you were able to technically make an argument about how the joke was 'okay' do you think that will win you points with either eddie or logan? do you think that will magically make everything return to normal? friends should give a shit when they hurt those close to them, even if it wasn't intended or deliberate, and \*especially\* when it's completely understandable \*why\* they feel hurt. < should i just bite my tongue and apologize for the sake of the relationship or was it just a joke that didn’t stick well? you don't seem to feel any remorse that you upset your friends enough that they left early. you don't seem to care at all, and even describe an apology as something you just 'have to do' in order to preserve things...as opposed to genuinely wanting to let them know that you did not want to cause them pain. there's an idea where, gallows humor is only funny when the jokes are made by the person wearing the noose. basically it's about punching up, down, or laterally. this was a joke where you punched down. you are not trans, you are not affected by these things, yet you made a joke that targeted your friend and highlighted sensitive issues. it's funny if you joke about your own personal struggles, things that directly affect you. when i make jokes about the abuse i have endured, it's cathartic, and allows me to release conflicting emotions around the topic. if someone else were to joke about my abuse...there's a strong chance i would be hurt, but it depends. i'm able to joke with friends because if anything misses, i know they won't be assholes and try to argue about 'being right' if i let them know it went too far.

yta. what do you mean you didn't mean it that way? the literal words you said undermined the social identity of this person. of course all three of you know that what you said was a fact, but you have all implicitly agreed that logan is a man. you interact with him within your social dynamic as man. you seem to understand him in this context without issue. so logan is man. when you say words that contradict that social reality, you spear right into the heart of his identity. transition is a huge fucking deal; like bigger than most other things in life. it's not the kind of thing you make cracks about when it's not your experience. it's not funny. and i fail to see how this would've been a "joke" in any situation, as it wouldn't make sense in a heterosexual context. the only situation this would be applicable is the one you described. you made an insensitive, offhand remark without thinking. it seems like you're halfway to feeling badly about it as well. apologize to your friend.

yta, just because you “just plain didn’t mean it to be transphobic” doesn’t mean it’s not. this should be common sense.

nah, but only if you apologize. unintended ignorance is not the same as being an asshole. also, it is **not** a universal that pre-op trans people are uncomfortable about their genitals, though it's definitely dangerous territory to wander into. just be honest, apologize, say that you had no idea logan would take what you said so badly, that you shouldn't joke about things relating to that (you shouldn't, just to be safe), and now you know better.

yta you say you never think of logan as a woman, but you “joke” says otherwise. even if that’s not your intention, the implication is logan is less than as a man simply because of his genitalia also, this: >we joke about mental illness all the time (but i do now realize he never brought up his trans-ness as a joke) .....are you calling being transgender a mental illness? because that is also transphobic as fuck

yta if you don’t apologise simply because you don’t think it was transphobic. your intent doesn’t really matter in this case if it meant somebody else was hurt. transphobic or not, you said something that made others uncomfortable. just be graceful, apologise, and make a mental note not to joke about that to logan in the future.

yta. for starters, the joke is clearly in bad taste, so you don't need to cling to your "i didn't mean it that way" defense. anyone coming into the situation cold would know you crossed a line. second, let's say you truly 100% believe that there's nothing wrong with the joke--it doesn't matter! if you say something that hurts your friends feelings, it doesn't really matter what your intention is. you could intend to hurt their feelings or you could intend to be funny, but either way the outcome is the same: you deeply hurt your friend and his boyfriend with your "joke." consider that the best person to judge if a comment is transphobic or crosses a line irt being trans is your trans friend, not you, and not any other cisgendered person. check out [this video](https://everydayfeminism.com/2013/11/how-to-apologize/) on how to apologize in a situation like this.

yta - just because you didn't mean for it to be hurtful doesn't mean it wasn't. this is something logan has likely struggled with all his life and has also likely been bullied and mocked for in the past. body dysphoria can be really hard to live with and having others treat it as a joke (as you did) can be incredibly hurtful. trans people hear all their lives that their identities aren't real because they don't have the "right" genitals just because you didn't mean for it to be transphobic doesn't mean that it wasn't.

BENIGN

i (27f) am super close to my sister and always have been, so if anyone should be the one bringing this up it is me (but if nobody should, then i was an ah) my older sister (30) worked for a few years near home to save money after finishing her undergrad and then got into law school and moved away. she is in year 3 of a 4 year program. she got a new boyfriend while living away. none of us (family) have ever met him. they've been dating 2 years but we only see her when she comes to visit at holidays (it's cross country) and he can't afford the trip. he sounds nice enough from what she says but she has a history of dating abusive jerks so i'd really like to meet him myself before assuming he's cool. that's one issue to keep in mind. she recently found out she is pregnant. i never thought she'd have kids since she will be so old by the time she graduates (all 3 of her other siblings have kids and houses already and are married) but she said she talked it over with her partner and they want to raise the baby together. in my initial reaction i just asked if she was sure and said congratulations. a few weeks later on the phone she mentioned it again and i said i don't know how to feel and gave her these reasons: - family doesn't know this guy yet, he might be awful and you'll be stuck to him forever with a baby - you have to finish school asap or you'll be raising your kid in a dingy 2 bedroom apartment - it will delay your school graduation by a lot (like a year at least) - you have a lot of student loans and his job doesn't make much money (he is a mail carrier with no plans of changing his work in the future) so she'd have to be the breadwinner for a family on top of paying her debts - you weren't even trying to get pregnant and you have to consider if you actually want to be a mom or else it isn't fair to the kid themselves because this seems really sudden - they don't plan on getting married which could lead to a complicated way to raise a kid

aita for asking my sister some serious questions to make sure she really wants to have a baby right now?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/krvqob/aita_for_asking_my_sister_some_serious_questions/

2021-01-06 19:53:54

yta your sister is an adult going for her post grad degree in law, and you think that she hasn't thought issues trough!? no wonder she is ghosting you, you're a major ah.

yta. this is her decision, not yours. in one phone call you managed to say her boyfriend might be a terrible person, he doesn’t make enough money to be a father, she might be a terrible mum, and her apartment is too horrible for a baby.

yta. you didn't ask her questions, you made a bunch of statements as if she's not an adult who can weigh her own priorities. also omg she's not too old for kids.

yta your sister is a grown adult and you’re trying to force yourself into her business/life choices. what’s with some of your points anyways? you realize there are plenty of people who raise their children in a 2 bedroom apartment, who don’t plan on getting pregnant but it happens anyways, who aren’t yet finished with school, and who aren’t married but are more than capable of successfully raising a kid together. your mentality is so backwards and you seem like you’re desperately reaching. let’s also not forget that according to you this guy needs your approval. very heavy yta.

> *so old* > > *you'll be raising your kid in a dingy 2 bedroom apartment* > > *breadwinner for a family on top of paying her debts* > > *wanted to say my piece and we can move on. i thoght that was it.* yta , who do you think you are lol, you knew what you were doing. you are what i call a "condescending jerk". have a good day miss

yta. those reasons aren't valid enough to raise concerns the way you do. you're just telling her she's too old, he's too poor, has poor judgment, their apartment is a dingy 2 bedroom one (???). what's wrong with any of these things? i promise you, the baby won't care about any of that, only you. you're 27 yourself. you ought to know that finding a good man, having a nice house, having a nice, well paid job before getting "too old" is very difficult for many many women. you've put your sister in an impossible situation. you think she's too old to have a baby once she graduates, and you think she'll be too old to graduate if she has a baby. you need to stop seeing life as a checklist with mandatory steps.

yta. 30 isn’t old to have a baby. 🙄 also your edit about her never moving back to your podunk town if she has this baby is telling. stop looking for reasons to ruin her happiness. you sound close minded/over opinionated and jealous. she’s living her life and you seem unhappy because that took her away from your family.

yta. it honestly sounded like you were being more judgmental than concerned, and it really isn’t any of your business. she’s obviously old enough to make these decisions on her own and doesn’t need anyone to come up and make her feel bad about it.

>i'd really like to meet him myself before assuming he's cool. that's one issue to keep in mind. how is that actually an issue? she doesn't require your permission or approval to date or reproduce. >she recently found out she is pregnant. i never thought she'd have kids since she will be so old by the time she graduates errr..are you making this shit up? 34 or 35 isn't "so old" what age do you think people should reproduce? >in my initial reaction i just asked if she was sure and said congratulations. oh, you should have left it here, but you didn't, did you op? >family doesn't know this guy yet, he might be awful and you'll be stuck to him forever with a baby so just because she has been with abusive men in the past, she's incapable of choosing a good one?? im still confused on what this has to do with you thinking you should have such a loud opinion on wether or not she keeps her baby. it's not y'alls choice, it's hers. not to mention, she wouldnt neccesarily be "stuck" there are plenty of men not allowed to see there children, so thats not neccesarily true, either. >you have to finish school asap or you'll be raising your kid in a dingy 2 bedroom apartment you don't know that. >it will delay your school graduation by a lot (like a year at least) you don't really know that either. >you have a lot of student loans and his job doesn't make much money (he is a mail carrier with no plans of changing his work in the future) so she'd have to be the breadwinner for a family on top of paying her debts plenty of people are in that position, it's life, unfortunately. >you weren't even trying to get pregnant and you have to consider if you actually want to be a mom or else it isn't fair to the kid themselves because this seems really sudden what the hell? so you're dissmissing the significance her choice to keep it because she wasnt trying??? obviously she considered that, she's fucking pregnant, it's not something you go at all willy nilly. >they don't plan on getting married which could lead to a complicated way to raise a kid oh stop. >she got super annoyed and said she had "thought of everything" including terminating the pregnancy before she even told us and so she was sure. so i said fine, i just wanted to say my piece and we can move on. your piece doesn't matter and sounds pretty unsolicited. >she won't facetime me ever since and says she's mad that i implied her boyfriend could be a bad person and calling him poor. yeah op that's a natural consequence for being shitty. > i said it's hardly an insult since i never met him how does that make it not an insult?? >i'm just raising thoughts and i don't want to apologize for asking simple questions i dont think you're doing anything "simple" she is already with child. what do you expect the outcome to be? do you really think it's logical to assume there's a chance she'll abort or give away a baby she wants because of your opinion?? really? >at the end of the day she can do what she wants and we both know that oh yes, but you'll be meddling all the way. no wonder she's across country. yta your edit is even worse. you all aren't entitled to her presence.

yta- she is a (seemingly responsible) adult and this really isn't your business. she can have a kid if she wants to. she can prioritize family over school if she wants, and she's one enough to make a choice in partners and you don't have to have met the guy and given your approval for her to want a kid with him. people who have accidental kids can be amazing parents, it isn't right to tell her it isn't fair to the future kid because you don't think she wants to be a mom, and she can also make the marriage thing work. also your early 30's isn't that old to have kids.

BENIGN

my (26f) sister sasha (31f) and i are very different people. we aren't bffs but we love each other. sasha doesn't have any kids and i have 3 (6f, 2.5m, 1.5m). sasha got a dog after graduating college. right off the bat, she treated it more like a human than a dog. she took it on road trips, just the two of them. once she even dressed it up for halloween and took it trick or treating alongside my kids. i worried she was replacing real human interaction with a dog. she also did some search and rescue with it which maybe gave her a stronger than usual attachment to this dog. a year ago, sasha bought a jogging stroller so the dog could still go on walks with her. it was old by this time and had arthritis. now let me clarify, this was not some cheap bargain basement stroller, this thing was quality. i looked it up online and it cost $400! seemed an insane amount to spend on an accessory for a dog but she was all excited, so i kept my mouth shut. i also noticed it was advertised as for pets or kids. i'd dreaded the day this dog died because of how over attached sasha was. well two days ago it happened and sure enough she was devastated. i felt terrible for her. but i'll admit, i also started thinking about that jogging stroller which would now sit around gathering dust. i've been struggling to lose the baby weight from my youngest and i could just see myself jogging with the two youngest in the stroller and big sis biking alongside. and this stroller is way nicer than anything hubby and i could afford at the moment. i'm a sahm with three kids. hubster is an amazing dad but he's struggling to find his professional calling, so we aren't in nearly as strong a financial position right now as sasha, who has no kids and a good job. sasha has always been generous to her niece and nephews so i thought maybe now that she doesn't need it anymore, she might want to loan or even give them the stroller. i called yesterday and first said how sorry i was about her dog. then i asked what she was going to do with the stroller. she said she was thinking about donating it to an animal shelter that specializes in disabled dogs. i then said basically everything i said in the last paragraph and asked if she would donate it to my kids instead. there was a long pause, so i thought she was considering. but then she went off on me and called me some hurtful things like a b-word and a vulture, then hung up on me. here's why i think i may be the ah. in hindsight, "since you don't need it anymore" was poor phrasing and may have made me sound insensitive to her loss. also, i probably should have given her more time to grieve before asking. i've never had a dog so i'll admit i can't truly understand what sasha's going through. but from my pov, i had my kids' best interests at heart. i don't think i'm the ah for asking the question. but am i the ah for when and how i asked or did sasha overreact out of grief?

aita for asking my sister to donate her dog's jogging stroller to my kids instead of an animal shelter?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xnxlj8/aita_for_asking_my_sister_to_donate_her_dogs/

2022-09-25 20:08:07

yta if someone called me 2 days after my pet died to try and finagle free shit, i'd be pissed as hell >may have made me sound insensitive to her loss it made you sound exactly like that. because it *was* insensitive >i had my kids' best interests at heart you had your wallet at heart >hubster that alone makes you an ah

yta. you spend like three paragraphs being rude and judgmental about your sister and her choices. you called her while you knew she was grieving her loss to offer fake sympathy and then threw in your own sob story to try and guilt her into giving you what you wanted - the real reason you called to offer your condolences in the first place. “vulture” is on point to describe your behaviour. on top of that you’ve repeatedly tried to justify your hurtful inconsiderateness in this post by crying about being a sahm with little money and three kids. well no one forced a lifestyle you couldn’t afford on you. that’s your choice. it has nothing to do with your inappropriate, thoughtless behaviour nor does it mean your sister should opt to help you over a charity she deems worthy of her attention. in the same way you’ve “kept your mouth shut” about things she does you think are ridiculous, she probably has as well watching you have children you can’t afford. none of this is her problem and you’ve been really selfish while she’s hurting.

yta she is grieving and your only thought is what you can get out of it. so gross. go buy your own $400 stroller. it is creepy that you made the time to look up the cost when she bought it. you seem a little too obsessed with sil’s money. money that you are not entitled to a dime of.

yta, you know your sister's attachment to the dog, whether you think it's healthy or not. you waited one day to ask her for free shit. of course that makes you the asshole.

two days ago the dog died, and yesterday you called to ask for the stroller? you waited for **one day**? yta

yta you know that dog was her family. and you are callous. your whole attitude is disrespectful. she is doing wonderful things. get your own stroller. and leave your sister alone. your entitled behavior isn't attractive. ps she is donating it to a wonderful cause.

yta. not only for barely giving her time to grieve, but it honestly sounds like you're jealous of her financial and personal freedom that you don't have because you have kids. you mention that you think she was replacing human interaction with the relationship with her dog. news flash. not everyone wants or needs kids. for some people, their pets are their kids. and donating the stroller to a shelter for disabled animals would be much more beneficial to them than to you. shelters are begging and pleading for donations, whereas you could purchase a cheaper jogging stroller if needed, or leave your husband with the kids in the evenings to go jog by yourself.

yta. you basically said "i'm so sorry your dog died, can i have its stuff?" that's the ah part. you owe her an apology. and maybe offer to buy the stroller if and when she's ready to party with it.

yta you waited one whole day to call dibs on her dead pets belongings! one!!!! what is wrong with you? talk about telling me you have no compassion without actually saying it. how entitled can one person be?

yta do you even know the dog's name? the whole post is "the dog" or "it" and absolutely no recognition that this was her pet, a living breathing creature that she loved. you barely give her any time to grieve before you're trying to claim a stroller. maybe actually show your sister some real sympathy instead of doing some gimme gimme gimme dance for her property. and go buy your own damn stroller.

BENIGN

throwaway account since friend in question is on reddit as well. it's a low level aita, but i wanted to get some perspective. this incident actually happened a while ago (approx 5-6 years ago), but i wanted to get 3rd party opinions since it caused a rift. so 5-6 years ago, my close friends alice (then 21f) & james (then 23m) got together. things were looking great, they were a good couple but 2 years later, james had to go on an extended work trip for a couple of months, & when he came back, alice decided to break up with him. it was not an amicable break-up, of which i mostly blame alice for since she blindsided james & the rest of our friend group. she claimed it was because she did a lot of re-evaluation during the months he was away & decided unanimously that their values were not aligned (james mentions that she did try to discuss some things with him but it never really went anywhere). james was completely heartbroken & he often called me up during that time to try to figure out why alice had broken up with him. alice apparently kept repeating the same story of how their values weren't aligned & she wanted to focus on herself first (she was going to grad school), which i thought was strange but didn't really think about it. james mentioned that his work colleagues figured alice found another guy while he was away thats why she was breaking up with him. i felt it was a plausible reason, so the next time i met up with alice, i asked her point blank, "did you cheat on james?" she was furious. she asked me how dare i ask her such a question since: 1) i've known her for so long & know her one-strike stance on cheating, and 2) why would i indirectly believe strangers (i.e., james work colleagues). but i explained that people change and i wouldn't judge her if she really did cheat on james but that it was not too late to fix things with him since he was open & willing. she told me there was no one & left shortly after. she stayed single for a year before getting together with her current boyfriend (which she didn't tell me about) while in grad school. i tried reconnecting with her recently & found out her & her current bf are talking about marriage. i was hurt she didn't update me about her life, & she straight up told me that her perception of me changed when i questioned her integrity (as she puts it) & i would just tattle to her ex (james just asks for updates now & then & i don't see the harm in sharing with him if she really moved on). i told her she was being ridiculous, but our mutual friends told me that she has a point. so...aita?

aita for asking my friend why really she broke up with her ex

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/o9xshv/aita_for_asking_my_friend_why_really_she_broke_up/

2021-06-29 01:09:35

ew why are you reporting on her to her fucking ex? that shit is weird and invasive. if she wanted him to know what was going on in her life, she would tell him herself. neither you nor him have the right to violate her boundaries like that because you don't think she had a "good reason" to break up with him in the first place. yta.

yta. alice broke up with james. you only know from what james tells you about the relationship maybe they wanted different things in life and had different ideologies. instead of accepting that you accused her of cheating. you point blanked asked her if she did. when she denied you bunkered down and told her she could still be forgiven. you're butthurt because she didn't tell you about her life. guess what, you're not her friend! she doesn't owe you any updates on her relationship or life. leave her alone. you burned your bridge and stop telling her ex about her. she moved on. so should both of you.

yta. i can get why she decided she no longer wanted to be in the friendship. she chose to break up with him, end of story. her reasons are no one else's business and they don't need to make sense or be "good enough" for anyone buy her. you first implied she was a cheater (not cool) and then you said she should more or less get back with her ex. you really did choose everyone else but her in that situation and it probably hurt her. you stomped all over her boundaries. also the friendship is over after you disrespected her, why would she keep you updated on her love life? i think what she told you in your last paragraph there is true and to the point. i agree with her.

yta. hard to believe that 5-6 years and a lost friendship wasn't enough for you to figure that out. sorry you never managed to land james.

yta. it sounds like she tried to talk things out with james but he didn't treat it seriously. then you all acted like she was terrible for a very mature outward appearance. you insulting her like that was far out of line. it's also creepy that you've been spying on her for james. she's better without all your group's judgements, i think.

yta. you inserted yourself in a situation that was not your business and are helping james keep tabs on her... which is why she cut you out of the loop (rightfully so, james needs to get a life)

yta. i'd reflect on why you are so invested in a relationship that does not involve you. even the way you shared the story implies a lot of judgment towards alice for ending the relationship. a relationship is between two people who want to be with each other. each person in said relationship is allowed to end the relationship if it's no longer what they want or need. they don't need a big reason to do so and they certainly don't have to explain themselves to people other than their partner. you even say she kept "repeating the same story" as if years later and after confronting her inappropriately, you still don't believe her. you did question her integrity and you continue to question her integrity in implying she may have lied. why would she want to stay friends with you given how you feel about her?

i was on the fence till the last sentence but yta. because obviously you was trying to find out so that you can run and tell james. also it's a good thing she no longer want to be her friend. because what friend gives updates to their friends exs

yta. it doesn't matter why she broke up with him. if she didn't want to be with him anymore, that's reason enough. she doesn't owe anyone any explanation. especially not you. she doesn't need to have a certain level of justification. she is allowed to not be with anyone for any reason. you meddling and asking if she cheated on top of also encouraging her to get back together with someone she obviously didn't want to be with are two ah moves.

yta. she had a couple months apart from her boyfriend that allowed her to think about what she really wanted. she realized that the future she wanted did not include james, so she broke up with him. this is completely normal for people in their 20s! her life now is not james' business. her life now is not your business.

TOXIC

okay i am a very friendly person. and i work as a cleaner at a bowling and arcade. i just love telling people hi whenever i walk by them but my manager cam hates it. she says i don't need to say hi to them every five minutes. ( it's not literally every 5 minutes but it's more like every 30 minutes to a hour or so) eventually my boss had a talk with me about it saying that a lot of my coworkers didn't like that i was saying hi to them all the time so i tried to cut back on it. they didn't tell me who exactly didn't like it they said they're not allowed to say) i do know that some of my co-workers are okay with it so i have been trying to just say hi to them but then cam said i can't even do that because she still has to listen to it. so now i've completely given up on not telling them hi all the time and cam still gets really annoyed at me and i don't even know what to do i don't know how to make these people happy. and i try to stop saying hi to people whenever i walk by them but i just have an impulse to tell people hi whenever i walk by them. my manager is threatening to write me up over it i really don't know what to do. am i the ah?

aita for telling my coworkers hi every time i walk by them?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zqqply/aita_for_telling_my_coworkers_hi_every_time_i/

2022-12-20 15:03:04

yta- you seem like you may not have the best gage of appropriate social interaction. say “hi” when you see your coworkers for the first time of the day and that it. if you want to make small talk at other points throughout the day, say something other than just “hi”. i can totally see how getting said “hi” by someone every 30 minutes can get annoying. also keep in mind, it is socially acceptable to pass by a coworker who you have already acknowledged and not say anything.

"i don't know how to make these people happy" yes you do you just refuse to do so, there is absolutely no reason to say hi to people every 30 minutes to an hour. light yta

a very very soft yta, only because you've already been told people don't like it and you're doing it anyway. ​ >i don't even know what to do i don't know how to make these people happy it sounds like keeping your head down and just doing your job will be sufficient.

yta. you’ve been told, more than once, to stop doing something at your job yet you continue to do it because “i can’t help myself”. either stop or find a job in customer service where you can say hi all you want.

a very teeny tiny yta if a coworker walked by me every 30 minutes and said hi, it would get annoying after a while, especially if i was busy with something. kindness is never a bad thing, but something like this can get to be too much. you've been spoken to by the management to stop and you haven't, that's why i went with yta, even a mild one.

yta you’re at work. it’s not the time to center your personal preferences. a lot of people would be distracted by this. management has specifically and repeatedly told you to stop. there are many reasonable alternatives- smiling, nodding, or waving when someone greets you in a similar way.

yta if you really can't control what comes out of your mouth then you need professional help because there is likely an underlying reason. but given you start your post by saying >i just love telling people hi whenever i walk by them i don't think it's that you can't control an impulse, i think it's just that you like doing this and aren't willing to stop despite being told repeatedly that your coworkers and your superior do not like it. when you interact with people, their input is as important as your own. you don't get to just say hi to people 10 times a day because you like that, and completely ignore the fact they're telling you that they don't like it. if they don't like it, then you stop. simple as. again, if you really have a problem stoping yourself from saying hi every 30 min, then you need to seek help. it's a very small thing, but it's not normal to just not be able to keep your mouth shut when needed.

yta. i can get that you didn't realize you were annoying people and were intending to be friendly, but you've now been informed of the effect you're having. now it's no longer friendly, and that you're claiming it is, or that you don't know what to do to fix it, is what makes you an asshole.

yta, once a day is good. anything more than that is just irritating. not stopping when asked to, you’re not being friendly, you’re a jerk.

"hi" is a superficial comment that feels like filler. a greeting first thing is great. if you see them again, make eye contact. if they do as well a smile and/or wave, maybe a quick greeting is fine. if you have something to say, say it. "did you see\_\_\_ on tv"... or "what are you up to this weekend, want to\_\_\_"...? those have a purpose. saying "hi" again makes it seem like you want to engage. it puts them on the spot to either engage when they may not want to (or may not have time). other option is to be rude and ignore you. this isn't a y-t-a situation, you're not. but you do need to pick up on social graces and interactions. do not stop being nice/friendly, but work on doing it in a dynamic that makes other comfortable as well. overall nta, it doesn't hurt to be nice.

BENIGN

my husband and i have a combined budget, although i do most of the shopping. for a few years now he’s insisted on buying products that haven’t been tested on animals (when possible…medications are always animal tested and we both agree that's "worth it" for human safety.) this animal loving streak means buying a more expensive beard oil for his pride and joy face hugger. now, i go along with him on most things, for example, we don’t have meat in the house and it’s saving us a lot of money, but the beard oil, really? so i’ve been quietly refilling the same bottle of “cruelty-free” with clarisonic. i read [this tifu](https://np.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/bf4y66/tifu_by_accidentally_giving_my_girlfriend_acne/) a bit ago and ever since i've had a bit of a guilty conscience. i'm not as bad as that guy? my husband doesn’t know and it’s not hurting him, he has zero allergies or sensitivities, but now i feel uneasy.

aita for secretly swapping my husband's beard gel?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bko8yi/aita_for_secretly_swapping_my_husbands_beard_gel/

2019-05-04 18:37:29

yta. your husband has made a choice for himself and he thinks you support him. if he finds out, he’s going to be pissed. have a conversation about how you feel about the beard oil like an adult and respect his decision. it’s his body that he’s putting this on.

yta it might be just beard oil but it means something to him. you’re purposely going against his belief for your own personal benefit. honestly how much is the difference? the only way i could even see this being a little acceptable is if the cruelty free one is a drastic difference. does he not read the package his beard oil comes in? how has he not noticed this before?

yta. you are entitled to think this is silly, you are not entitled to deceive your spouse.

yta - it's his just as much money as it is yours, and he has a right to decide what he wants it spent on - and not spent on. this is no different than secretly feeding pork to a jewish person. it's dishonest, but more than that, it's controlling - you've decided you know better and can just override his decisions because of that.

sorry yea. yta. you gotta respect what someone decides to put in their bodies.

yta. your husband has made a choice to spend a little more on cruelty-free products. that's an ethical choice that you should support, even if you don't understand it. sneaking around to circumvent his choice kind of sucks.

yta. you are compromising his morals and feelings to save a few bucks.

yta. imo it's among the same lines of feeding a vegan meat or dairy products while having them think it's vegan. you should respect his decision to buy cruelty free products.

yta - if i was your husband i'd be super pissed, that's so disrespectful of him and his values. it's his money too, and i'm betting that you spend money on stuff that he sees as pointless.

yta if you really think this is silly, talk to him like an adult. don’t resort to deception.

BENIGN

i've (m25) been married to my wife (f23) for a year now and it's the happiest i've ever been. i genuinely feel like she's my soulmate - i've never met anyone who i've felt so connected to. but last week we had our first big fight. since before we got married she's always said she doesn't want kids. i do, but not enough for it to have been a dealbreaker. maybe that was shortsighted of me but i really do love this woman. i know she's been thinking about permenant sterilization. however in the last few months i've noticed her really take on a more maternal nature - she smiles and waves at babies in the street, and she'll be fawning over her little nieces and nephews. this is a recent development and i brought it up one night after her sister brought the new baby over for a visit. she says nothing has changed but i can see it. i told her she clearly likes kids and that she'd regret it if she did decide to be sterilized and would probably end up wanting a baby. she got very upset at this and told me i was being a condescending prick. i just don't want her to make a decision she regrets. she hasn't really spoken to me since and has seemed very distant. so, aita or is she overreacting?

aita for telling my wife she'd regret not having kids?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/awltoh/aita_for_telling_my_wife_shed_regret_not_having/

2019-03-02 20:16:12

yta - she clearly stated she does not want kids. the fact you don’t respect her enough to stop continually putting your feelings into this by being a voice of doubt speaks volumes about your character.

yta big time. just because she doesn't want kids it doesn't mean she hates them. it is very rude of you to say that she basically doesn't know what she wants.

yta. “trust me wife, you don’t *really* know what you want. but i do.” she doesn’t want to have kids. that’s her choice. most doctors aren’t going to permanently sterilize her for no reason. it’s shitty of you to try and tell her you know better than she does just because she isn’t mean to babies or children.

yta. a woman's sole purpose in life isn't to have children. telling someone that "they'll regret it" is honestly just a dick move. you started by saying her not wanting kids isn't a "deal breaker," but then you tell her that "she'll regret it." she won't regret it. you would. you're projecting your feelings on to her.

yta. it's one thing to think babies are cute, it's a whole other situation to grow one inside you, push it out and raise it until adulthood. she's going to get pressure and comments from all sides as she goes through her 20s and 30s, she shouldn't get it from her husband too.

yta- when you say you knew she didn’t want kids and it wasn’t a deal breaker, you actually mean that you knew and thought you could change her mind.

yta. who the fuck are you to tell someone they would regret something for the rest of their life? she made her decision, you knew this, and now you are trying to guilt her into doing what you want. maybe you should trust that your wife can make decisions about her own body? the way you approached this is immature and condescending? discussing permanent sterilization is one thing, but acting like you know what she wants better than she does is just rude

yta yta yta yta yta holy shit, yta. as a woman who has known since i was a child that i didn't want kids, and vocalized this clearly to all of my romantic partners, i'd be livid with you for not respecting my decision and thinking you know better than me. i'm 34 and still have people say i'll regret it, and that i'll want kids eventually. you're the asshole and a moron for marrying a woman and hoping she'll change her mind about children for you. women are allowed to smile and enjoy babies without feeling guilted into becoming a mom. ugh. 'men' like you make me so irrationally mad.

yta liking kids and wanting kids are two different things. you agreed not to have kids when you married her. stop pressuring her & acting like you know more about what's in her brain than she does.

yta. it's an asshole thing enough to insist to a woman that her opinion on what she wants is wrong with regard to children, but you *married her knowing this was a fucking deal breaker for you.* you assumed she would change something fundamental about herself and her worldview because you prefer it, outright lying to her about that vital aspect of compatibility between you. your options at this point are: a: get a divorce, because this is only going to become more painful, or b: get the fuck over it. her body, her decision.

BENIGN

my niece is getting married late next may and my husband and myself recently recieved the save the date. on it was details of the couple's wedding website, and upon checking it the website mentions the wedding is child free. i have two sons, who are my niece's first cousins, and by the time the wedding comes around my youngest will be have just turned 12 and my oldest will be 13, nearly 14 with a birthday that coming july. now, at 12 and nearly 14 i believed that my niece possibly meant young children, say under 10, and doubled check with my husband's brother (father of my niece) who agreed with me that yeah, neice probably meant young kids but he would double check especially as my kids are her actual cousins so it was probably fine. a couple days ago, he rang and confirmed my sons were not invited. my husband and i are quite upset about this. my sons were looking forward to being at their cousins wedding. i called my niece yesterday to confirm what her dad had said and she was apologetic but yes, due to them already over their intended headcount and the fact they had other similar aged children and younger that were also being cut, she had to just be fair across the board and so no to everyone. i told her how upset her cousins were, how disapointed husband and i are at that decision, and we asked niece to please reconsider as not only are my sons hardly kids, they are her cousins and if she couldn't accomodate them then husband i couldn't come. the line went silent for a bit and my niece put on this very rude and sacrastic simpering voice saying "i am *so sorry* aunty to hear you can't come. i *do hope* we can celebrate with you at a later date" and basically hung up on me! i was furious of how rude she was me at what i thought was a reasonable request. ok, if my sons were like 5 and 7 sure, that age can be unreasonable but even then they are still her cousins! my husband agrees that neice is being unreasonable, but disagrees with me calling her and asking her to change her mind as it's her wedding in the end and we can't change it.

aita for refusing to go to my niece's wedding as my sons (and her cousins) aren't invited?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/h7e8ru/aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_my_nieces_wedding_as/

2020-06-12 04:49:43

yta - no kids means no kids. there are just some situations that teens and children aren't appropriate at. i suspect there's going to be alcohol and a certain atmosphere they want to have. the other issue is that if they make an exception for your kids, everyone will want an exception made. so please don't take it personally and respect her wishes. it's not your wedding.

yta. if all kids under the age of 18 aren't invited then why should yours be the exception to the rule? would you pay for all of the kids between the ages of 10 and 18 to attend? it's not as if your kids are the only ones who weren't invited, no kids were. why are yours more special than the others?

yta so many times this exact post. listen up, it's your nieces wedding. she and her partner get to decide who they want to invite and who they don't. them wanting to have a childfree wedding is not against you or you children. they can't make an exception for your children as then others with children would be upset. your kids are old enough to understand that certain events are adult only. you have the right to not attend if you don't want to, just don't make a fuss about it. don't be a relativezilla

yta and honestly how dare you try to guilt her for it?! or to think that somehow your kids are the exception to all the other kids of similar age that she mentioned? the wedding is about the *couple*, not you or your kids or anyone else. and she told you they were over their limit already! god, wake up!

yta. she made her invitation clear, you made the assumption - and now you’re pulling the “but my kids are different”, and trying to guilt her into doing what you want. i would have hung up on you as well.

yta. how entitled i hope this is a troll

yta. weddings are expensive and if they are serving alcohol then every head is the same price. your children (and others) will *usually* cost well over $100 a head to drink water and soda. weddings are about the two people getting married and that’s it. no one else’s feelings should get hurt by a wedding, ever.

yta. its not your wedding. if you are *so* desperate for the kids to see their cousin, fly up/drive for a visit at another time. it is not her responsibility to accomodate children and you haven't made the effort in *4 years* to see her.

yta. they had a perfectly good explanation, and no children are invited, including any kids above 10 in the rest of the family, so it is super entitled of you to think your kids should be the exception, especially if they have already passed their intended number of guests

yta, it her day, if she wants it minor free then she can have it minor free. you asked and were told no, then you tried to force the issue. what would you do if you told your child no, and they tried to force the issue if they didn't like the answer. if i were getting married to my wife again and you were my family and tried to force the issue after being told no several time, i personally would ask you not to come.

BENIGN

i'll french, so pardon my english. a couple of months ago, we lost our daughter madison to cancer. she was 14. i can still remember it like it was yesterday. on saturday, my wife told me that my brother and sil were going to a party and extended us an invite. obviously, i was not interested to go to a party and told my wife the same. but later, she told me that we should consider going just to relax for a night. i was really upset at this point. i asked her how she could expect us to party and forget everything after a couple of months. i also asked her how can we enjoy? she started crying and called me asshole for invalidating her feelings. aita here?

aita for being upset with my wife for suggesting we go to a party only a couple of months after our daughter's death?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bweeyw/aita_for_being_upset_with_my_wife_for_suggesting/

2019-06-03 18:55:18

yta - you can go out for a night and not forget your daughter. suggesting that she would was spiteful and cruel on your part.

yta. everyone processes grief differently, and sometimes getting away from your thoughts for a night can be a good thing. i doubt she expects attending a party will actually fix anything, but distractions can be good. it does sound like you invalidated her feelings

yta. losing a child is one of, if not the hardest thing a person can go through, but you need to get out into the world again, because social isolation will not help you in the slightest. dwelling with your own thoughts will only make the situation worse. your wife said she wanted to go to relax, which she has every right to do. not to forget, not to ignore, but to relax after your loss. you have no right to tell her how to deal with her grief.

yta. suggesting that going to a party and relaxing equates to forgetting and moving on too soon from this tragedy is an asshole move.

i hate to do this to someone who just lost his daughter - and i am so unbelievably sorry for your loss - but yta. your wife is also grieving. she may not be doing it in the same way as you, but she's absolutely just as devastated by the loss as you are. but here's the thing: different people grieve in different ways. you may need or want to isolate yourself and drown in your misery. she may need to be around people, or want to try to bring some joy into her life in this difficult time. neither way is wrong, but it does not mean she feels the loss any less than you. she invited you to come along, maybe because she thought it might help you, maybe because she wanted to be with you - the fact that you lashed out at her is where you were wrong. you're angry, of course you are. but you shouldn't take that anger out on your wife. this isn't her fault, and she didn't do anything wrong by wanting to go to a party, or inviting you to go with her. same as your brother was not being malicious for inviting you - i'm sure he's grieving your daughter as well. but you can't just stop living because you've lost someone. i'm sure it feels like you should - like you have no right to ever be happy again... but that's not what your daughter would want for her parents. take your time. feel your grief. but don't take this out on your wife. you need to be there for each other, now more than ever. i really hope the two of you are seeking grief counselling, both together and individually. i hope you find peace.

nah. she wants a moment's respite from grief, you don't. everyone processes grief differently. she's not wrong and neither are you, but you should patch up whatever disagreement exists currently because this is the time when you need to lean on and support each other.

going to a party month after her daughter died = forgetting her??? yta

yta everyone handles these emotional turmoils differently. when i lost my mother, i spent a lot of time with my girlfriend to forget the pain. if you don't want to go to a party, that's completely acceptable. but you can't make that choice for her and claim it's unacceptable. everyone copes differently and just because it isn't moping, doesn't make it any less valid. this is also the fact, you need to allow others to move on. if you're still in grief, that's completely okay. don't punish your wife for wanting to relax. in the end, i'm very sorry you lost your daughter to such a horrible disease. i couldn't fathom losing my child.

nah, but....when my spouse died, it was my friends who immediately starting getting me out of the house to bar-b-ques, dinners, nights out, and i’m so thankful because otherwise i would probably have stayed home and been led down a dark depressing road. they all knew my spouse too and it was kind of uplifting to be able to talk about the fun times we all had together, things we did, funny things he said. your wife might need that to lift her spirits even a little bit.

yta. everybody grieves in their own way, and you suggesting that going out for one single night means your wife doesn’t feel the loss is so wrong. i’m truly sorry for your loss. you not wanting to face the world yet is fine, as much as your wife wanting to be around people is also fine.

BENIGN

my sister c (29) and i (25) grew up comfortable. we have trusts set up for us from our grandparents, and our parents were well off. we had our entire undergraduate educations paid off by our father and we both graduated debt free. c studied abroad in germany when she was 20 for a semester and got very close to our father’s friend’s son d (36) while there. he’s an only child from a very successful family and is well off in his own right. d is obsessed with c. he moved to the us for her, his family paid for her dream wedding, and he paid for her mba. they have one child together. i got married during college to my hs sweetheart m (25). m and i live more humbly than c and d. we have 2 toddlers and try to save as much as we can for their futures. i do not work and am going to school for my masters, so we have less disposable income. dad gave c and i a home each as our wedding presents. he owns a few other properties, and c has been managing them since she was in college. i was asked if i wanted to manage them when i started college, but i was never interested. c has redecorated most of them, and the entire family has access to them for vacations. we are all currently spending the holidays with our parents. yesterday, dad sat c and i down with our husbands to discuss updating his will. now that both c and i have access to our trusts and no longer need guardians should anything happen to our parents, our father wants to explicitly state which properties would go to which daughter. he said that since c has been managing the properties since she was 18, she would get one more property than me (he has an odd number) and will get to pick a couple that she wants with no push back. c said that she wasn’t too picky about which she would get but did want one specific property. she then stated that i should get our father’s french home since d’s family already had property there that they were inheriting. it felt like she was rubbing it into my face that she has more money than m and i do. i said it was unfair that she was dictating what i should be getting and that because she already has so much, m and i should get a larger portion of my father’s inheritance. dad said that he wanted to divide everything up equally, but i countered that c would end up on top when he died regardless of if she was given less than me or not because of d's inheritance. i said that c already got everything she ever wanted in life and that it should be my turn. i then suggested that he divide the property for the grandchildren equally instead, but he didn’t want as he only cared about providing for his kids and that it was our responsibility to care for ours. we exchanged some heated words before m and i left. mom says i was being selfish and that our dad was being fair, but i think he’s playing favorites since c married his friend’s son and is more successful. i just want to be on the same playing field as c. aita?

aita for wanting more from my parents’ will?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rrja2e/aita_for_wanting_more_from_my_parents_will/

2021-12-29 21:29:26

yta. you sound like a whiney entitled brat. your father can do whatever the hell he wants with his money. your sister did the work while you sat on your ass. and it's not like you are suffering in a hovel somewhere and eating beans out of a can.

yeah, yta. if all that interests you is the money, you should have married a rich man too. you are being jealous. c gets benefits because she actually worked for it, your mom is right.

so you’re arguing over how many properties you get to inherit, while you don’t work and do your masters paid for by your trust fund, but you live “humbly” and think it’s your turn to get something in life? l m a o yta, why do you think your sister should be punished because her husband is rich? that’s not how inheritances work. why do you think you’re so entitled to your parents assets and what they do with them? oh wait i can guess why lol

yta and if you keep running your mouth you might talk yourself all the way out of their will.

yta. c's worked on those properties; she's earned them. you're bitching about getting a shitload of money vs. an absolute shitload of money. and finally, this >she then stated that i should get our father’s french home since d’s family already had property there that they were inheriting. it felt like she was rubbing it into my face that she has more money than m and i do. is bs. she was just being honest and, frankly, generous.

yta. you are owed nothing from a will and should be grateful for anything anyone leaves you

yta totally agree with almost all the comments here and need to add one more... you seem very immature, and possibly in need of therapy, hear me out read this all the way through please.... you spent a great deal of your post telling us all about how d is obsessed with c, about d coming from a very successful family and how he supported your sister and how comfortable they are. frankly as her sister you should be happy for her that she is so blessed! when you get married you should pick a partner who is obsessed with you it's called love. maybe you need to consider why you spent so much of your post talking about d. i think you also need to consider why you mentioned how c manages properties for your father but you absolutely did not yet still expect more from your father. you're not really familiar with how the world works right now, i'm sure a 25 you feel you are worldly and experienced, there's a lot more out there for you to be exposed to. go back to your parents and tell them you are sorry for being so selfish, that you're grateful for everything they and your grandparents have done for you, that you hope they spend their lives truly enjoying themselves, their children and their grandchildren, and if there is anything left over you will be gracious and appreciative to receive anything. i do believe you need some help with a professional therapist, they can ground you and help you see things more clearly. you are in for a world of lots of disappointments and pain if you don't develop the capacity to view situations with fairness. good luck

i haven't read a more entitled and yuppy sounding post in all my life. yta

yta. your mother is correct; what you are saying is selfish. if you wanted to end up “on top” like c then you should’ve married someone rich like d. if you find that statement unfair, then imagine how she feels when you bring up her husband’s inheritance as a reason for why you should be given more of your parent’s estate. what if they divorced? that money wouldn’t be hers anyway. c got everything she wanted in life, but so did you. paid-for college, marrying the love of your life, children, and a comfortable future even if you *only* get half of your parent’s riches. c arguably worked harder than you did for the estate by helping manage the family properties while you declined to help. you have always had the same playing field and opportunities as c. your choices in life have always been your own. your dad is fair to split the estate equally and not give you extra “just because.” i don’t see any unfair advantages here. you chose to have 2 children instead of one. you chose to marry your husband. you chose not to help manage the family properties. you chose to get an advanced degree. you’re choosing not to work now so you can focus on your masters. no one forced you to make these choices and yet you’re viewing them as disadvantages. you should to your family before you injure these relationships further. your privilege is showing and i think it’s time to own up to it.

yta. what the heck. how could you type this and not realise how ungrateful you sound. your father was being fair. your sister was being sensible. everything about your post shows how jealous and petty you are. please get some therapy before you ruin your relationship with your family.

TOXIC

let me preface this by saying that my husband has always been sensitive about his appearance, and that i tend to forget that. yesterday, my husband and daughter were looking through pictures of my husband from when he was a teenager in the 1980s. back then, he had a mullet, braces, and wore clothing that mad whom look like a wannabe rock star, so very typical of that decade. he also wore eyeliner and blush, which made him look very unattractive. my daughter was laughing about the mullet and my husband was humoring her, so i decided to join in on the fun and say that if i'd have known what he looked like back then, i wouldn't have married him because he was so ugly and my husband got very distant. he didn't really talk to me after that and left very early for work this morning. my daughter said that she didn't think i should've said that, but it was just a joke. still, was i the jerk in this situation for saying anything in the first place? before i get called a hypocrite, let me just say that there's a significant age gap between my husband and i, and that i was born several years before him and was too old in the 80s to truly enjoy it.

aita for telling me husband that he looked ugly?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/huunwc/aita_for_telling_me_husband_that_he_looked_ugly/

2020-07-20 21:53:52

yta. in 80s parlance: he was shot through the heart, and you're to blame. you give love a bad name. apologize and eat some crow.

> and that i tend to forget that. yta. you're not forgetting it. you're disregarding it.

yta "i never would have married you because you were ugly" is such a horrible fucking thing to say. even if your partner wasn't insecure theres no scenario where you wouldn't be the asshole for calling them ugly.

yta. literally why would that ever be okay? how would you feel if he called you ugly? joking about an old hairstyle is fine- but straight out calling him ugly? yeah. you made an ass of yourself.

clearly yta. you know that he's sensitive about his appearance and still called him ugly and said you wouldn't have married him had you known. seriously?

yta, yeah. that was unkind. it's clear that it wasn't a joke- you actually think he looked ugly, so it's unfair to pretend it was somehow a joke.

yta. how on earth could you not be the asshole? you're basically a bully to your own husband.

yta. you are an adult and should therefore know that that joke is over the line. you didn't actually make fun of the 80s aesthetic like they were doing, you straight up called him ugly. the wouldn't have gotten married part is just cruel. you're an even bigger ah because you made fun of a sensitive issue on purpose, even admit that you routinely "forget" to take it in to account, and still refuse to admit yta.

yta. don't be clueless.

yta. your husband wants you to love and accept all of him, including his questionable mullet-eyeliner phase, just as you probably want someone to love and accept all of your past incarnations, even the awkward ones. especially the awkward ones. because that person in the picture was him. is him. your husband. he felt that. you, his wife, just reminded him of every time he felt ugly, unwanted or simply not good enough growing up. and you did it in front of your daughter.

TOXIC

i am in my mid-fifties approaching retirement and recently went through a devastating divorce. i lost my house, half of the savings and fortunately no alimony payments. my wife was a working professional and towards the end, it felt like marriage was more about frugal living than love. we had been married for 32 years and had two wonderful children, both of which are girls. i wouldn’t trade away my relationship with them for anything, truly my pride and joy. they are ages 26 and 29, three years apart. however, i can’t depend on my limited family to deal with the crippling isolation after work. my wife and i were not social in the sense that i do not have a strong network to *jump back into things*. in any case at my age, the dating world has changed a lot compared to when i met my ex-wife. it seems that you have a couple of sites that are appropriate for your maturity that lead to date after date of noncommittal garbage. after several months of dating people my age to no avail, i signed up for a sugar daddy dating service. for someone my age, i take great care of myself and go to the gym regularly. i was able to start a relationship with a 19-year-old that seems to have come from a rough background. i am a little worried about some of the shadier people from her past. but who am i to say anything? i have two kids. i care for her deeply and provide for her needs as she does for me. we have had this arrangement for about half a year and things have gotten more serious, we have started talking about marriage. i can’t help but feel guilty when i hear her talk about how she sees a future with me. when she talks about marriage, my mind always goes back to thinking about how we met on a sugar daddy dating service and the rigid gender role implications. i’ve made a spreadsheet and if i work for an extra half decade or so, i could realistically maintain the relationship until i die. i just don’t have the self-control to tell her i have no interest in that level of commitment again. partially, i am worried that she would not get along with the small remaining family that i have left. essentially, i am dating a younger girl as i am approaching retirement. she wants to get married. i plan on continuing this relationship for as long as possible with the intent of never getting married. i do not plan on communicating this to her. love, dating and relationships seem to be morally ambiguous, am i an asshole for treating my girlfriend the same way people my age have treated me in the dating world?

aita for continuing a relationship under the false pretense of marriage?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/aw70js/aita_for_continuing_a_relationship_under_the/

2019-03-01 16:47:55

yta - let the girl go, man. she has her whole life ahead of her and has already had a rough upbringing. she doesn’t need some old divorcee fucking with her emotions because it’s fun for him to be with someone 1/3 his age.

yta - you're leading her on and knowingly lying to her in order to keep her around. how is this even a question?

>i plan on continuing this relationship for as long as possible with the intent of never getting married. i do not plan on communicating this to her. this is the part that makes you the asshole. you need to tell this woman what your intentions are. she may stay, she may not, but you need to clearly communicate to her that while you love her, you are not interested in marriage. >am i an asshole for treating my girlfriend the same way people my age have treated me in the dating world? don't become the thing you hate, my dude.

yta. >love, dating and relationships seem to be morally ambiguous you aren't morally ambiguous, you are morally bankrupt. stop lying to this 19 year old girl. what you are doing is manipulative and controlling. i feel awful for this girl.

yta you are using her.

yta for not being honest about the employment situation you're in. you hired a 19 year old to have sex with you and be your girlfriend. she doesn't want to marry you for love, she wants a promotion and a guaranteed employment contract. if you're not interested in retaining her services long term, you need to tell her. she cannot make effective decisions about her chosen career path if her client is lying to her about an advancement opportunity you're not actually going to offer her.

yta i'm confused. your complaint about using dating sites seems to be the lack of commitment you found with them. that's legitimate, but why would you then turn to a sugar daddy site where you exchange money to date a woman a decade younger than your daughters? more so, why would you complain about rigid gender roles when you purposely paid for them? now that you have a relationship where you exchange money for romance, you're willing to lie to her to avoid commitment...what? here's the thing: if you lie to someone so they will keep sleeping with you, then you are an asshole. if you do it to someone who is barely an adult, you're a predatory asshole. i think your problem is that you want reliable sexual gratification from a woman at least 30 years younger than you without having an actual relationship. be honest with her, but more importantly be honest with yourself. imagine a 50 year old man treated one of your daughters this way. i sincerely hope that thought makes you sick to your stomach.

yta - not for entering into this sort of relationship (two consenting adults, hey whatever), but for actively and intentionally hiding your relationship goals from her. any type of relationship—marriage, family, friendship, sugar daddy—requires open communication and good faith commitment to agreed upon boundaries and relationship goals. to withhold this intentionally makes you ta.

yta, obviously. you're dating her under false pretenses. you should break this off right now.

yta ​ you're letting her believe in a future she'll never have. you're leading her on and using her. if you care about her at all, you'll tell her that you don't ever want to get married again and let her decide if she's willing to accept that or not. she's 19. she has her life ahead of her. allowing her to waste any more time with you when you never plan on giving her what she wants is most definitely an asshole move.

TOXIC

so i (f20s) have a friend we'll call rachel. i've known her for 3 years now and we've gotten quite close. last year i learned that she is rich. like very rich. old family money rich. she acts completely normal and i only found out once we got close and she opened up about some of her childhood. she does not get along very well with her family but still puts on a smile at events and such. but otherwise has very little contact with her parents. she is a bit of a black sheep because she decided to work and is passionate about her career and mostly eschewed her family money. this year she was going to a "retreat" weekend her family hosts at a very nice place on a coast somewhere. she did not want to be with her family for an extended weekend alone so this year she asked me to go as her plus one. i of course said yes first because she is my friend but secondly because yes i did want to spend a weekend at the beach in luxury thank you. anyway the night before the guests arrived there was a small family dinner. her family is very formal and the dinner had almost an air of a business dinner more than a family get-together. she did warn me about this ahead of time. so she and her dad we're starting to get slightly heated about her ex fiance. (that story is too long for this post) her dad then says "you need to think of how it looks for you to not be married yet. you're a reflection of this family. you need to be situated as befits our station." and i... just kind of snorted? like a strangled laugh. and everything goes silent. later my friend was really mad that i did that because i made their relationship more strained because she defended me after dinner. she wanted me to apologize again "more sincerely" to her father and i don't want to. i do feel bad but it was a ridiculous statement and it just slipped. tl;dr friend's father unironically use the words "as befits out station". i laughed. friend is mad i made her time with her father more stressful.

aita for laughing at "as befits our station"

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iwq8h6/aita_for_laughing_at_as_befits_our_station/

2020-09-21 00:49:28

a very soft yta you’re a guest. you know her family is difficult. you were meant to be a buffer and you made things worse. her family sounds awful.

honestly, if it’s going to impact your relationship w your friend and her already strained relationship w her dad- just apologize. yta

yta, not a bad person. but you laughed at the way he talks when you're a guest at his party. and made the father-daughter relationship worse.

nta not your fault this guy fancies himself some sort of royalty and wants to control your friend's life. your friend should have warned you her father wishes he was related to queen elizabeth. any normal person would have giggled. anyone that doesn't see themselves as holier than thou would agree this guy is full of himself. if the crown has taught me anything is that if you want to have family only discussions you do so in private, not with friends present.

nta. being rich in no way makes you a better person or more deserving of things. apologising to him is simply a validation of his archaic and incorrect beliefs

nta. if an ill-timed snort has a deleterious effect on their relationship then they have serious problems. are you to prostrate yourself before the father in shame to preserve her tenuous relationship with him, or is this a veiled suggestion that it is his due because he holds the purse strings? put another way, if you had made this gaffe with a person of more modest means would there still be the hue and cry for the apology?

if you're asking whether you're an asshole for not apologising then yes yta. whether you agree with the statement or not, it wasn't offensive, it wasn't about you and you really have no business passing judgement on him. you were a guest in his home and you offended him. common courtesy is to apologise.

nta write him an apology letter on parchment, seal it with wax and have it hand delivered by a footman.

nta. that utter bullshit deserves to be laughed at. loudly.

yta for making life harder for your friend. you never have to see these people again, so suck it up for her. think if it as a way to defend her, like she defended you.

BENIGN

being european the whole “when and how much to tip” is a little alien to me. one experience still plays on my mind and i’d appreciate your view. we went into a texan bbq place just off times sq for lunch: me, my wife and young daughter. ordered drinks, starter and main course (or whatever these are called in the us). starter was a large portion of chicken wings which we got stuck into as soon as they arrived. when we were barely half way through the wings the waiter brought out the main course and started moving plates around on the table to find room to place it. i explained (politely) we were still eating starters and didn’t want the next course yet, would he take it away and bring it back when we’d done with the wings. waiter said (politely) it was ready now and he was serving it now. i told him no, it’s going to get cold, take it away and bring it back when we’d finished the starter. there was some to’ing and fro’ing but eventually he put it back on his tray and took it away. few minutes later the manager comes over to ask what our problem was. having explained, the manager told us that we should have said if we wanted next course delayed (which i thought was ridiculous - nobody expects the second course when you’re only half way through the first) that the kitchen had cooked it and if we wanted them to delay serving it, this food would go to waste and we’d have to wait for them to cook the food again. i said we’d wait if we had to but we’d rather have it hot when we wanted it rather than cold when they wanted to bring it out. manager was unhappy but walked away doing what i’d asked. i’m a fairly low key kind of guy but my wife is much more fiery, and i could see she was about to kick off. she was insistent we not leave a tip as this was ridiculous and we were effectively arguing with the staff when we should have been enjoying our meal. fast forward to our paying and leaving the restaurant (rest of the meal passed without incident). the waiter having realised i’d left no tip, had a right go at me about how he works only for tips, it’s disgusting we’re not tipping at all, it’s not his fault there were problems etc. the guy is literally walking alongside me, talking at me with raised voice, having a go, all the way to the exit. this has bothered me since (as have a couple of other occasions when i opted not to tip) i don’t think we were in the wrong. i realise it wasn’t the actual waiter’s fault but we didn’t get the service we expected. i realise there are some cultural expectations/norms to observe but in these circumstances wita? tldr: restaurant policy sucked, we were unhappy, didn’t tip the waiter - great offence was caused.

aita for not tipping?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cbcixj/aita_for_not_tipping/

2019-07-10 05:23:12

yta. in the us, leaving no tip is a huge affront, and the waiter would have to do something pretty bad to deserve that. you even say it isn't the waiter's fault. i also think your expectation on the timing of your food delivery is contrary to cultural expectations in the us. you're punishing this place for doing what most customers will expect.

yta big time! sounds like some major cultural differences, but yeah, big time asshole move there.

yta you were at a texas bbq, not a fine dining establishment. eat your food when its served, you want them to bring it when its cold? do you know how much work it is to time orders perfectly when you don't have the same size staff a fine dining place does? fancy restaurants have enough workers to time everything exactly right. you were a douche to whine about your food being served. and then you decide on top of being a douche, you aren't going to tip? ​ and you said it yourself >it wasn’t the actual waiter’s fault

yta. you’re not in europe, you’re in the us and serving standards and practices are different. you started an argument with the waiter over what is a very common practice in the us (i.e. bringing the food when it’s ready). then you refused to tip, potentially making it so the poor waiter had to pay to serve you. in many states servers get paid $3/hour or something banana and have to tip out the kitchen/host/bartender based on the amount of your cheque meaning buddy just had to pay to serve you. you acted obnoxious. and to be clear, i’m not from the us either, but when i’m travelling there i make sure that i follow accepted practices because i’m not an asshole. learn the culture or don’t eat out.

this almost sounds like the stereotypical american tourist who doesn't do proper research before a trip. sounds like you got quick, attentive service and they even found a way to accommodate your unusual request, but you still refused to pay your waiter. yta.

yta. the service wasn’t even bad, they just didn’t want you to have cold entrees. also, who goes to a bbq place in times square?

yta. i get that you didn't get it at the time, but your food comes out when it comes out at a place like that. you don't send it back....there are no "courses" in texas bbq.

um, yta- this is a bbq joint, not fine dining. it’s very normal for the main course to come while the apps are still on the table. you are lucky they were willing to fire up a new entree instead of sticking your food under a heat lamp or just microwaving it.

i wanna say esh, but honestly, i'm leaning towards nta on the grounds of the way you were treated as a customer. ​ i've worked in the service industry for years, foth and both. there's definitely a cultural gap here when it comes to ordering and when served. generally speaking, in the us, the quicker the food is out, the better the service is considered. here's the thing though, you don't argue with the customer in like 90% of situations, especially over something so small. in almost every situation, even if you know they're wrong, like they're insisting they asked for no tomatoes and you're certain they forgot. you tell them you'll get that fixed right away (don't say sorry unless you believe it's your fault, just 'let me fix that for you, sir'), and that's that. all this guy had to do was bring the food back and stick it under the heat lamps that the restaurant absolutely had on their line, wait a few minutes, then bring it back out. it didn't need to be remade or anything, just kept warm. fighting with you over it, then getting a manager to do the same is ridiculous. so yeah, you got poor service. in america, a 10% tip is a good way to go for that, maybe a dollar or two less if you really want to be sure they get the point depending on the bill, but especially given the culture gap, i understand why you felt zero was appropriate. when that kind of thing happens, the correct response is to mutter 'asshole' under your breath as the customer leaves. there's honestly no situation where it's appropriate to chase a customer oput of the place bitching them out. ​ short version; all they needed to do was stick the food under the heat lamps for a few minutes, maybe mutter something rude about toursits to themselves to blow off a little steam. not tipping in the us is shitty, but they crossed a line no foodservice professional should.

yta you punished a waiter for something that wasn't his fault. waiters and waitresses get paid barely *anything* in the us by the resteraunt they work at - their income is pretty much just from tips. it's a shitty system, but that's the way it is - if you don't tip in the us, you're pretty much making someone be in service to you for an evening for near on free. they need those tips to pay for bills, and food, it's their income. the waiter did what the kitchen told them to do. the waiter then did what you told them to do. their hands were tied, but they did their best in the situation. you should have left a tip for the waiter, especially since you already got to speak to the manager about the problem.

BENIGN

i have a small family in which i’m the main provider, my wife also works but she doesn’t make as much as i do and if something happened to me, my wife and daughters would not be in a good place. i recently had a near death experience and i decided to get a good life insurance policy. i know i’m a little late to this and i probably should’ve done it when i first had kids, but i was irresponsible and hadn’t really considered death in an accident happening. so i got a good policy and i don’t want to say how much is in it, but let’s just say that combined with my wife’s income, they would be better off without me than with me financially. now i trust me my wife but i do think some things can stand to be secret in marriage. my wife asked me how much i was insured for and i told her i wouldn’t tell her. i kinda just don’t want for her to know the exact amount. i don’t want her to want the money. i’m not saying that i think she’ll take me out, but i doubt any person that’s been offed for their life insurance thought there killer would do it, so i’d rather be safe than sorry. she asked why i wouldn’t tell her, i told her that i didn’t think she needed to know how much until she had it and that i didn’t want her to want the money. i told her vaguely that she’d be fine and theoretically if i died, their lives wouldn’t change much financially for maybe 4 more years. she said that i was being ridiculous and paranoid. she accused me of not trusting her, i told her it wasn’t about trust it was just about safety. she went off on me and yelled and cried accusing me of thinking she’ll try to get the money. we argued back and forth for the rest of the night and i still haven’t told her the amount. i told her i was sorry that our confrontation made her feel that way. i personally still don’t rhink i’ve done anything wrong.

aita for not telling my(27m) wife(29) how much money she’ll get in life insurance if i die?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/m9wpai/aita_for_not_telling_my27m_wife29_how_much_money/

2021-03-21 13:28:40

yta - i watch true crime too but i would never expect my spouse to tolerate my saying that i think they'll murder me for my money. if you have so little trust and respect for your wife why are you married and having children with her? you may want to start grovelling because if i was in your wife's shoes i'd be seriously reconsidering the marriage. you've basically accused her of being greedy to the point of murder. i can't even comprehend what that poor woman is feeling.

assuming this is true, although it's really unlikely, if you're so afraid that she'll murder you over your life insurance, why are you even with her? yta.

lol, yta. you think your wife is going to murder you if you tell her you have a good insurance policy 😂😂😂😂

yta my partner died last summer and while he wasn't "hiding" stuff like life insurance, we just never talked about it. didn't think it was something we had to think about as healthy, fit 30somethings and he died very suddenly. really, really, really sucked that first month that in addition to dealing with the most emotionally traumatic experience of my life, i also couldn't think about long term plans or even knowing if i'd be able to keep the house until i found out the life insurance details. paying for the funeral drained most of my emergency savings, so it was a financially tenuous period.

yta. this is information you would typically share with your wife to ensure she actually knows what to do in the event that something happens to you. you sound paranoid and i think you’ve got bigger issues at hand here if you can’t share important information like this with your spouse.

yta she has every right to know. leaving her in the dark on how much money she would get to raise her daughters and survive in case you die doesn’t stand to reason. unless you believe she would kill you...

yta. you have serious issues here. and serious trust issues. wills, wishes and insurances are exactly the kind of information that spouses should be sharing with each other!

yta if you can't trust that your wife won't murder you, then you probably shouldn't be married to them. i think trusting in the physical safety of your person is probably one of the bare minimum requirements in a relationship.

yta and you seriously need to lay off the murder p*rn shows my dude.

yta. you’re implying that you think there is a chance that she will want the money enough to kill you. of course she thinks you don’t trust her, because you don’t.

BENIGN

about nine months ago a young couple bought the house next door to me. my daughter (9) and the young lady (25ish) really hit it off. we live in a relatively bike friendly city, and neighbor takes her bike everywhere. my daughter is enthralled with her. and wanted a bike as soon as she saw her riding one in a pretty dress. she was never interested before. neighbor offered to teach her how to ride. the only problem i have with neighbor is that she refuses to wear a helmet. she says that it messes up her afro/curls/ whatever hairstyle she has that day. i will say that she is a very good cyclist. she can keep up well with traffic, she signals etc. she often took my daughter out on her bike to parks or to get ice cream in the summer and fall once she was proficient at riding. since it’s starting to warm up, i wanted to talk to her about maybe wearing a helmet. i approached her about it when i saw her pull up from work. she seemed really annoyed by my asking. i told her it would set a really good example for my daughter, and offered to buy it. daughter fights me about wearing a helmet because she sees that you don’t have to wear one. she said “so you think i’m setting a bad example for your daughter?” i said, honestly in this way, yes. she blew me off and went inside. i was irritated by her behavior. i went out to run some errands later that evening, and while i was out i ran by a dick’s and got her a helmet. dropped it off on her porch. a while later she sent me a text saying that she wasn’t my daughter and calling me a passive aggressive asshole. she said she would no longer be taking daughter out. i told her that that was an asshole move. my daughter loves her and she can’t punish her because she’s annoyed with me. she hasn’t responded to my text. i don’t want to talk to my wife about this just in case i’m the asshole here. i’m honestly just trying to keep everyone safe, i wasn’t trying to be an asshole. was i?

aita for asking my neighbor to wear a helmet?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fcxraw/aita_for_asking_my_neighbor_to_wear_a_helmet/

2020-03-03 17:11:11

yta once you bought a helmet and brought it to her house you became the ah. before that, whatever. but that’s a passive aggressive move. you were fine to ask her to wear a helmet, and she had the right to not follow your advice. she can do what she wants even if it’s stupid. but you took it a step too far.

yta. talk about being overbearing. when your daughter asks why she doesn’t wear a helmet you tell her “miss katie is an adult and she gets to decide if she wants to wear one. my job is to keep you safe so you have to wear one until you’re a grown up.”

yta. you crossed so many boundaries. your neighbor is an adult. if she wants to put herself at risk by not wearing a helmet then that’s her business, not yours. it is not her responsibility to set a good example for your daughter, it is your responsibility to make it clear to your daughter that wearing a helmet is not negotiable. buying the helmet for her after she clearly told you she would not be wearing one and that it was inappropriate of you to pressure her to do it is extremely passive aggressive, condescending and assholeish. it’s beyond inappropriate. you owe her an apology. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her deciding to no longer bike with your daughter after you disregarded her boundaries the way you did.

yta you can't dictate her safety, only your daughter's. which you should definitely do. you can dictate rules and boundaries. such as: your daughter may not ride with her without both having a helmet on. which is appropriate. not to mention that in most states in the us, it's illegal for a minor to ride a bike without a helmet on. in some states, it's illegal for an adult to do so.

yes, yta here sorry. i get your concern for your daughter and you don't want her thinking it's ok for her to ride without a helmet. but your neighbor is a grown up and can make her own decisions. honestly, if you're that concerned about your daughter (and i totally get why), maybe she shouldn't be riding her bike with her. what if your daughter is taking the helmet off? but buying a helmet for someone after they told you no is a passive aggressive ah move.

yta. why should she continue to take your daughter out?

yta for pushing it even after she said no. she is an adult and gets to make her own (stupid) decisions. you can explain to your daughter the safety factor with helmets, and that once she is an adult she can decide for herself like neighbor does, but since she’s a kid she needs to follow your rules.

yta, don't tell another adult what to do/wear. > she said she would no longer be taking daughter out. i told her that that was an asshole move. she was doing you a favor and you made it difficult for her, so now you have to face the consequences.

not your kid. you shouldn’t have bought the helmet. she’s absolutely right not to interact with you or your kid again after that insult. be ready for her mother or father to have some words with you soon... yta

yta. she is a grown adult with a husband and owns real estate. also, if she is black and you are white- you are doubly the a\*\*h\*le because of the race dynamics. i mean honestly, chad! what were you thinking? and you know this. you absolutely know this because you wouldn't even talk to your wife about it. and fyi: you are not freaking osha. it is not your job to keep random people safe (of course, its your job to keep your daughter/family safe). also, you didn't say anything for almost a year, while your daughter rode around all summer and fall with the neighbor, but all of a sudden you decide you are sam the safety guy? why didn't you mention this before? that alone makes it seem even more controlling, but the buying of the helmet, dude, no. that was [over.the.top](https://over.the.top). you could have solved this by merely parenting. kids need to understand that adults get to make decisions that they don't. of course, your 9 year old does not get to make a whole slew of decisions that a 25 year old adult can. try parenting your own kid and lay off attempting to control adults who live next door. so, good job alienating a great neighbor and a good role model for your kid.

BENIGN

my wife and i recently heard that there were a lot of benefits to playing music to a baby, and so we decided to give it a try on our 13 month old son. each day, we alternate on who gets to chose the music so that we each have input. now, my wife is a big fan of taylor swift, so she plays a lot of that. she also plays some classical music, and some other pop music. i have no problem with that, it's her choice on her day. and i'm not some snob who thinks that taylor swift doesn't have talent, she clearly creates music that a lot of people respond to. and i really like the idea of including some classical music, because the themes in many of them are timeless. the music i chose is a bit different. the first album i chose was astral weeks by van morrison, because i wanted my child to be familiar with vastly different compositional styles. i like the jazzy-style and feel like the stream of consciousness delivery really expanded my own concept of music. my wife thought that it droned on for too long and was very boring, but i told her that the music wasn't for her. the next album i played was captain beefheart's trout mask replica, for similar reasons, but especially because the album really forces you to wonder what exactly constitutes music, and whether our current understanding of music is more limited than it has to be. the first time i played it the baby cried a bit, but i comforted him and eventually he seemed fine with it. my wife, on the other hand, hated the album and said it sounded like random notes. i told her that she was being really closed minded about what constituted music, but she was clearly getting more and more annoyed with me at this point. i offered a compromise, and tried playing captain beefheart's safe as milk album instead, but she was not a fan of that one either. when i asked her why it was such a big deal, she said it was child abuse to play such awful noise to our son. i told her that he didn't seem to be as closed minded as she was, and that he seemed to enjoy the music. i also told her that it wasn't as if i was playing anything loud and disturbing, like machine metal music by lou reed. she got even more upset with me, and threatened to ban me from making music decisions involving our son. i didn't think it was far for her to singlehandedly decide what son our music listens to, so i would continue to play different styles of music, from bulgarian folk music to krautrock, to atmospheric music from the band tangerine dream, to ensure that our son didn't grow up thinking that music had to be a certain way. am i the asshole for refusing to back down in the music i chose to play for our son? she tried to compromise and let me play something like dark side of the moon, but when i chose ummagumma instead she refused to talk to me for the rest of the day.

aita for wanting to expose our baby to a variety of music?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jfmuau/aita_for_wanting_to_expose_our_baby_to_a_variety/

2020-10-21 22:07:25

yta i think your wife is very reasonable in requesting that you don't play weird as shit music to your baby, even if it's just because she has to hear it. i've heard almost all of the albums you've listed. i guarantee your baby will not grow up smarter because they listened to captain beefheart. i get that it's an interesting concept and that it's pretty cool if you listen to it enough. i also know that it's not music for babies. you seem like someone who's pretty into music. that's great! since you are very into music, it probably wouldn't be that hard for you to find 100 masterpiece albums that are also relatively pleasant to listen to. i was going to say your wife was overreacting here, but it seems like you are being purposefully difficult. i agree with you that your baby doesn't really know anything about music and much of this will go over their head. they may not hate the music and might stop crying after just a bit of comfort. but why not just choose music that you enjoy, is nice for the baby, and that your wife won't actively hate?

you sound like a snob. the point is you are making your *wife* listen to unpleasant noises and talking down to her. yta

yta you realize a baby can't have it's concept of music challenged, right? because it doesn't have a concept of music, it's a baby live your life, listen to whatever niche/experimental stuff you want to on your own time, but if you are playing something that can be heard by everyone, play something tolerable and stop insulting your wife; she's not 'close-minded' because she doesn't like the same music as you, it's a difference in taste

>the album really forces you to wonder what exactly constitutes music, and whether our current understanding of music is more limited than it has to be. that was the most pretentious, ridiculous and frankly annoying thing i have read in a very long time. yta.

i'm surprised at myself, but i'm gonna go with a mild yta here, hear me out tho if the principle you're defending here is "baby gets varied music" then yes, you are in the right 100% - but there's more than that going on. there are a million and one studies on how much and what kinds of music are good for babies, i'm sure it's all great but do you really think that the kid is going to be einstein just because of it? the benefit will likely be the same whether you play something "challenging" or not. you might as well play something you and your wife actually like. clearly you like beefheart, but she doesn't. is the "baby gets varied music" hill the one you want to die on? is it worth the infinitesimally small chance that you'll raise the next jesus h. brainbox, even if you're putting undue stress on your marriage? frankly, it sounds a little bit like *you* are enjoying the music, which is not (ostensibly) the point of the exercise. i have been in a household where one asshole wanted to play trout mask replica loudly despite everyone else (i get that it's important and brilliant and whatnot, but personally i could take it or leave it) - it was a very tense social situation. just play something that all three of you will like, and save the dub-prog-methcore harshnoise for when mommy is out of the house.

eh, i want to say nta because i’m a huge audiophile myself, but i kinda think you’re a tiny bit yta in practice. your baby cried because he didn’t like the music you chose, that’s when it’s time to change the music. my nephew is about the same age and it’s fun to see what music he responds to! and he very definitely loves some music, hates other, and is indifferent to others. and it feels more like you should be in tune to what your kid isn’t responding to and change it up. instead of trying to expose him that early. he’s a baby. he’s not going to appreciate the finer nuances and philosophical thoughts of experimental music. but definitely try tangerine dream! and other music, too, but if he doesn’t like it, move on.

yta this isn't about the baby, it's about playing music your wife doesn't want to hear and using the baby as an excuse. you come across as condescending af, with your regular digs about what she listens to and her "close mindedness". you clearly chose to escalate the situation, despite your wife's unhappiness and your kids tears. you presumably love this woman, why don't you try respecting her opinions and preferences? play your deconstructed jazz noise bands when your wife isnt around. obviously.

yta. you come across really uncaring to your wife. neither parent should play music the other parent dislikes. you can find stuff you both like. baby will be fine with it, and parents will be calmer and happier.

yta. but only because you decided to play trout mask replica within earshot of somebody who didn't want to deal with it. your wife leaves the house at least occasionally, right? now bongo fury, on the other hand . . . everybody needs *some* beefheart in their lives!

yta. it’s good to want to expose your kid to music, but if the music actually made him cry, that should tell you all you need to know. pick some pleasant stuff for him now (classical, jazz, dance, etc), and when he’s 15 or so, then get out the weird stuff and bond over your deep musical discussions if you are both into that.

BENIGN

so this just happened. i am a waitress and had just gotten off work, so i walked across the street to deposit my tips at my bank. i'm in line and the lady in front of me has a wad of cash (looked like $100 bills) and looks like she is depositing it (i'm really not sure though). she does this 4 times. takes her card out, ends her session and then does it all over again. 4 times. the 5th time she goes to do it i say, "jesus fucking christ lady, you need to go to a teller for whatever you are doing. not to mention you look highly suspicious..." (i do regret throwing the f bomb in there, but what's done is done) she turns around and scoffs and rolls her eyes. i have no idea how many more times this lady plans on doing this so i just leave (i had already been there 15 minutes). on my walk home i decided this was incredibly weird and called the bank to report her (my husband was sure she was committing fraud, i just wanted to get home). now that i'm home i'm feeling anxious and sorta like a bitch for calling her out like that, so i wanted an outside opinion. so reddit, aita?

aita for telling a lady off at the atm?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cujc7w/aita_for_telling_a_lady_off_at_the_atm/

2019-08-23 20:21:00

yta - she has every right to use an atm to deposit money as you do. your reaction was pretty rude and unnecessary. do you yell at every person who orders too much food in a fast food line as well because they should only order a limited amount ?? she might’ve been taking quite a long time at the machine, but so do a lot of people. you’re not entitled to time at the machine, you should’ve just waited your turn or left when you noticed she was making a few transactions

yta. if she got paid in cash, that is probably the only way to have a bank account. your time isn’t more valuable than hers, and you had no business reporting her. you had no way of knowing where she got the money - you clearly did it out of malice.

yta. why didn't you go to the teller if you were in such a hurry? you chose to make her use of the atm, completely normal use btw, into something personal.

yta ah yes, the ol' "get away with fraud by doing 5+ atm transactions in a row instead of one big transaction" scam. you are crazy if you think your phone call served any purpose. either nothing worth their notice was going on, or they had already noticed. there tend to be "total $ per day" limits, even if there are also transaction-specific limits. not to mention their behind-the-scenes procedures for flagging stuff. sometimes, you know, people have already thought of the super-obvious shit that you think you're a genius for noticing.

going against the grain here and nta. atms are meant for quick transactions. if you were really in line for 15 minutes that's far too long to occupy an atm. just because she can occupy an atm for that long doesn't mean she should, especially if a line is forming behind her. a little common courtesy goes a long way.

yta. wtf is wrong with you?

esh. it's pretty rude to hijack an atm for over 15 minutes, but you could have definitely handled it less aggressively.

yta. you made a lot of assumptions and actually called the bank to report her over making multiple transactions at an atm? maybe she was depositing to multiple accounts. you are right to feel like a bitch for how you acted.

yta you had no idea what she was doing and you had no business to report her at all. for all you know she has 4 kids and she's depositing money into each of their joint accounts. but you don't know because you were just an impatient asshole. you could have gone to a teller. . .but no, you had to take it out on her and report her to the bank for pretty much no reason.

yta karen, she has the same rights to use the atm as you do.

BENIGN

one of my (17f) best friends (17f) was diagnosed with brain cancer about half a year ago. she had surgery to remove the tumour on her brain and is recovering well, so she will be fine now. one of my main coping mechanisms is humour. i joke about everything that i find uncomfortable, saddening or i’m fearful of. my friend doesn’t seem to mind when i joke about her cancer, even joking alongside me. today, i had a massive headache and i was complaining about it to my mum and aunt. i joking said “this headache is so bad, i’m beginning to think it’s cancer”. my mum basically turned white and immediately began to lecture me about how “cancer isn’t funny” and that “you should know better” she’s now saying that i’m being insensitive about it and that i don’t really care about my friend, or my grandparents (who, both on my dads side, passed away due to lung cancer) i loved my grandmother dearly, and it really hurt to hear my mum say that i didn’t care. so am i the asshole?

aita for making a joke about my friends serious illness?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/lizleo/aita_for_making_a_joke_about_my_friends_serious/

2021-02-13 12:22:20

yta - you made really insensitive comment and rightfully got called out for it. you’re gonna say something like around someone who’s actually going through chemo for cancer and it’s going to be super awkward. learn a different coping mechanism.

as someone who also awkwardly inserts humour into any situation, i say yta here. not sure why you’d need a « coping mechanism » for a headache other than as an excuse for putting your foot in your mouth.

yta - i mean it's just not very funny and it might be your coping mechanism but that doesn't give you the right to make other people uncomfortable with it. i'm sure your mum and aunt also find cancer scary. it's okay to much jokes with your friend if this is something you have talked about and established together, but most people are going to find that kind of joke upsetting.

yta jokes are meant to be funny.

yta. know your audience before you make a joke like that. you were being insensitive and i’m not surprised your mother took it that way. you have a close friend that has brain cancer, your family has dealt with cancer in the past and it’s tough on everyone. the main issue is that you didn’t say this to your friend. you said this to your close family who have most likely been traumatized by their parents-in-law having cancer. if you had said this joke to your friend and your family heard it and got upset with you, i’d have a different answer.

yta. i, too, cope through morbid, sometimes inappropriate humor. but you have to read the room. when you're joking about something as serious as cancer, you should be prepared to apologize if your joke offends.

yta and you seriously need to work on knowing what's funny, you know get a proper sense of humour instead of this sad excuse for it.

yta. i'm actually a fan of dark humor, but i don't think that was funny at all. you have to mind your audience too.

yta cancer is a very sensitive subject. your friend may be okay with it, so it's okay to joke with her. others aren't. it's important to learn the difference.

yta it's not because you think you're joking, that it is funny.

BENIGN

my daughter (15), who i’ll call h, refuses to talk to anybody she doesn’t know, even at school. h has never had more than a couple friends and has just in general always been a little weird. she even still collects things like legos, action figures, etc. her older sister (18) was a little “weird” too, but she grew out of it. by now h has absolutely no friends and her only social interaction is with her sister and cousins. whenever h gets home all she does is clean, do homework, or sit in her room. honestly it annoys me that she never goes anywhere. last weekend her school had a dance, and as usual she didn’t go. then on monday h came home and said she “hated school” because it was “embarrassing”. when i asked her why she said “nobody likes her because they think she’s weird and quiet”. i told her if wants people to like her she needs to grow up and make some friends by actually talking to people instead of just waiting for everybody to talk to her. h went to her room and hasn’t talked to me since yesterday. i just got a call from her sister and she called me bitchy and said i need to leave h alone. i don’t see how i was in the wrong because in my opinion i just told her the truth. aita?

aita for telling my daughter she needs to grow up and make some friends?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tk4r5j/aita_for_telling_my_daughter_she_needs_to_grow_up/

2022-03-22 14:52:39

i can appreciate that you want your daughter to make friends and enrich her life. but the way you're describing her, is almost like in a deliberate degrading way. you totally should have approached this in a different way. you're a parent. you're supposed to be supportive ask questions. ask if she's having a difficult time with anything. ask if she wants to make friends with certain kinds of people. get involved in her life ffs. yta

yta - as a mom of a 17f self-proclaimed weirdo, you could be a lot more supporting then hoping she will "grow out of it." i have helped my daughter find her tribe of weirdos, they are all sewing their prom dresses, love cosplay and are not the "typical" high schoolers. being a teenager is awkward enough without feeling like you're not living up to your own mother's standards of who you should be. stop putting that on her and help her find her way as who she is.

yta. big time. ​ >my daughter (15), .... has just in general always been a little weird. she even still collects things like legos, action figures, etc. so what? who cares if her hobbies are not the norm for a 15 year old? it sounds like you've got a little gender bias going here. ​ >whenever h gets home all she does is clean, do homework, or sit in her room. honestly it annoys me that she never goes anywhere. oh no! a careful, studious, neat, homebody. what an awful kid! do you ever tell her how much you appreciate that she cares about her studies, or how helpful she is around the house, or that your proud of her for those things? ​ >h, refuses to talk to anybody she doesn’t know, even at school. by now h has absolutely no friends and her only social interaction is with her sister and cousins. ... then on monday h came home and said she “hated school” because it was “embarrassing”. when i asked her why she said “nobody likes her because they think she’s weird and quiet”. told her if wants people to like her she needs to grow up and make some friends by actually talking to people instead of just waiting for everybody to talk to her. have you had her evaluated for autism spectrum disorders? if your only response is "make some friends" without giving her actual strategies about how to do that based on her personality, talents, and comfort level, how is she supposed to take this advice? it's like you saying "well, you just need to grow up and play this beethoven piano sonata" without her taking years of piano lessons or even buying her a piano to practice on.

yta- you should support your daughters uniqueness. frankly you sound like her first bully.

yta. you sound like you don't even like your daughter.

yta because based on what you described it sounds like some real social anxiety there, and instead of seeking a counselor out to help, you bark at her instead and lay blame squarely on her. that will do the opposite and make her want to isolate more. i'd really have her go to a counselor or doctor, and **you need to be more compassionate before you drive both your kids away** also, introversion is a natural part of some people's personalities. and as a 35 yo, my partner and i both play with things considered childish (he loves minecraft and i am a disney megafan). nostalgia is "in". dont judge what your kids like doing. they could be doing drugs or having unprotected sex.

yta. as someone who’s been in your daughter’s shoes, i strongly advise you to take an interest in whatever hobbies your daughter does have. engage her, and let her realize that she and her interests have value. if the people closest to her don’t believe that, what confidence can she have that anyone else will?

yta. i'm having a hard time believing this is even real but in case there is nothing is weird about collecting action figures or legos. she sounds introverted. i seriously can't believe you're complaining your daughter cleans, does homework and sits at home. with a parent like you you're lucky she's not sneaking out every chance she gets desperate to get away.

yta - you are telling your daughter that who she is as a person is wrong and that with her current interests/personality that she is not worthy of her peers' friendship. your daughter is lonely and hurting and your response is to tell her it is her fault.

yta but only because of how you’re clearly being judgmental of her instead of helping her. telling a 15 year old to stop being weird and grow up isn’t helpful. i’d you actually gave her real advice and decided to be her parent, she might have an easier time. making friends isn’t easy.

BENIGN

tldr at the bottom also sorry for formatting i am on mobil. so in order to have this all make sense i (24f) have to start at the beginning of me and my sisters (26f) relationship with my step-mother. my father married my step-mother(who will be affectionately referred to as suzman) when i was about 4. she had two sons of her own from pervious relationships (same ages as my sister and i) and one daughter with my father. suzman was always mean to my sister and i growing up. and not a normal mean an abusive mean. she would put us down, make snide comments about our bodies, even threw specially made doll houses from our aunt down the stairs cause she was mad at our father. to top it all off she was always awful to my mother who for majority of their relationship had breast cancer and eventually passed away because of it. over the years she has only gotten worse with how she acts towards my older sister and i. suzman has threatened to call the cops if we go to my fathers house (this happened on christmas 5 years ago). she has called and sent so many mean and hurtful texts that we have her blocked on all social media and our phones. so to say we have had a strained past with her would be an understatement. suzmans oldest son (we will call j) has two children from his relationships. both of which he has lost custody of due to drug abuse. his youngest lives with the mothers parents. these grandparents do not like suzman because she does not respect the boundaries they have placed with j, which is basically no contact, until he and his partner clean themselves up. because of this and some outbursts suzman has had with them, they basically went no contact with her. so now suzman is filing for grand parent rights. the lawyers for the other family has asked for the names of all the kids that are related to them which include me and my sister. my father asked us to not say anything to these people or to just say no comment if they contact us. now my sister and i are in a weird spot where we feel that suzman doesn’t deserve that from us and we don’t think she should have the right to this innocent child. so reddit would we be the assholes if we told these people what we really thought if we are contacted by them? tldr: stepmother was abusive to me and my sister our whole childhood and adulthood so far. she was mean to my terminally ill mother and we are now being asked to keep our experiences and opinions to ourselves so she can get grandparent rights. wibta if i told them what i thought anyway?

wibta if i potentially told a lawyer my honest opinion about my step-mother?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hjnigu/wibta_if_i_potentially_told_a_lawyer_my_honest/

2020-07-02 01:14:17

ywbta if you don't talk to the attorneys. if nothing else, if asked by the guardian ad litem, be honest. she can't protect those kids without knowing what you have to say.

nta!! you would be putting those kids at risk if you didn’t say anything. it’s sad that your dad low key knew what was going on and did nothing though

nta. tell them everything. obviously she knows how badly she treated you, or your dad wouldn’t have felt the need to reach out to you.

nta - this child is already in a vulnerable position. lying about cruelty (even by omission) could really be bad for them if she gets access and treats them as she treated you. the kid is most important here

nta. you have first hand experience of what kind of person she is, and you have a chance to protect a child from harm in this situation. that should be the only thing that matters.

nta. she sounds like a horrible human being who has no business being around children. you should absolutely tell them the truth about her and how she’s treated you for as long as she’s been in your life. don’t tell the lawyers about other people’s experiences with her, that’s their story to tell. and you don’t have to tell suzman or your dad what you tell the lawyers. it’s none of their business either. and the end of the day, you have to look at it like this. she is a horrible, abusive person and you have no reason to expect she wouldn’t be the same way to these grandchildren.

nta sing your heart out.

nta if she was abusive to you. you can bet she will be abusive to that poor baby! protect that child as much as you can! speak the truth, you owe that woman nothing! but you owe yourself the truth of events, don’t disassociate your abusive to protect an abuser

nta. if she's abusive they need to know. do you really want them to go through what you did?

nta providing testimomy might be the best thing you could possibly do for that kid.

BENIGN

warning: on mobile so, i understand the title makes this sounds like i don’t care about my daughter but i do love her a lot. background: my daughter (16f) was adopted from china. she has mental health issues regarding her adoption and abandonment. she is seeing a therapist for these issues. my wives family is very much into hunting and as such i have began to partake in it as well after we married it so happens my daughter’s birthday lands on opening weekend of hunting season so i am up at my brother in laws farm. this has been happening for years now. when she was younger our entire family would go up on the farm with them staying at the aunts home and i hunting. as she got older she became disinterested in going up on the farm with me despite me offering. since i am not home on her birthday i celebrate with her the weekend before. now since her 17th birthday is less then 100 days away she has once again brought up the fact that i am not home on that date despite us never celebrating on her actual birthday. she has only expressed this concern in the last couple of years and my wife believes that she is over reacting and i can’t help but agree. this time however she told me “you clearly value hunting over me.” i do not value hunting over my daughter by the way. my wife was furious and told her how her own father was never home for her birthday and asked her if that showed his value system too. i think it shouldn’t be that big of a deal to her. she is making me into this bad guy when i am not. i am there for her 344 days of the year. we don’t even celebrate on her birthday. when i married my wife i embraced the hunting culture. so reddit aita?

aita for not attending my daughters (16f) birthday

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iuy7x4/aita_for_not_attending_my_daughters_16f_birthday/

2020-09-18 03:03:38

yta she’s struggling with abandonment issues and her adoption. you miss her birthday every year to hunt. she’s telling you, clearly, it hurts her. so you double down? you can go hunting the weekend(s) after her birthday. you will never get this time back with her and you’re so callous and cruelly hurting her. you’re not a neurosurgeon who is getting called into surgery, you’re choosing a hobby over a hurt child.

yep. yta. >“you clearly value hunting over me.” yes you do. if you valued her over hunting, you would have started skipping opening day when she started voicing her displeasure at this arrangement. >wife was furious and told her how her own father was never home for her birthday it's not a pissing contest. it's not normal to miss your child's birthday unless you're a jerk of a parent. >i think it shouldn’t be that big of a deal to her. yes, it should. *especially* if she has residual trauma from her adoption.

yta your daughter is clearly asking for you to be home for her birthday. she is upset she feels like the second priority on her birthday. go hunting the next weekend

yta. your daughter is right, you are valuing hunting over her. if you didnt, you would be there for her birthday.

yta my daughter has abandonment issues and expressed something that's important to her and my response is i'm going to abandon you and go hunting instead. real nice.

you’re wondering why your daughter, who has abandonment issues, is upset at you not being there on her birthday because you would rather go hunting? yta

yta, and i can't believe you were approved to adopt a mentally ill child. you've spent her life gaslighting her, and you don't understand why she thinks you don't love her? you haven't prioritized her birthday even once. is she /ever/ your priority?

> i do not value hunting over my daughter by the way then show that by not choosing hunting over your daughter? would've thought this was obvious. yta > we don’t even celebrate on her birthday. how would you know? you're never there.

yta. your child who has abandonment issues and has asked you to see her on her birthday. you refuse and prioritize hunting. maybe your wife was cool with being left but your daughter isn’t. that’s what matters

yta i come from a long family history of hunters. it’s, no joke, referred to the high holy days. fyi i know this isn’t good and not everyone agrees with hunting however we have various birthdays during that time and no one skips a birthday to hunt. i get that opening weekend is a huge deal however there are the rest of the two weeks when you could go if it’s truly just about the hunting. if it’s more about you wanting to be at camp when everyone else is there then what you’re saying is that literally every person there is more important than your daughter.

BENIGN

months ago, my wife and i lost our precious daughter who went to be with the lord after living for only a month. her brother was a stillbirth and he didn't even have a certificate to proof he ever existed, only pictures. to say that we're devastated is an understatement. it's hard having to keep going after everything we had to deal with. my father in-law is my wife's stepdad she has half siblings and they're all married with kids. i don't see them much but my wife visits a lot. we were invited for dinner on mother's day to see the family photo college my father in-law made for the occasion and hanged on the wall. we got there a bit late but my father in-law wanted to show us the framed photo college before dinner so we walked into the livingroom to take a look and what i saw was unpleasant... i saw that each photo was a family photo of his children and their families, he did have our photos but it was just me and my wife. he didn't add any photos of our children although my mother in-law has many copies. my wife didn't say anything but was obviously upset. i turned and asked why he didn't include any pictures of my children. he looked totally confused and said he didn't know he had to, then said he just forgot. i rudely asked: forgot what? that my wife and i have children?! how could someone forget about their grandchildren?!?! he got upset and said that this was for my mother in-law and i shouldn't comment on it. my brother in-law asked me to calm down cause this was a misunderstanding as he claimed but i refused to drop it. i flatout asked my father in-law if his problem was with me personally since he always treat me like shit and doesn't like what i do for a living. or my wife who isn't his biological daughter, or the fact that my kids aren't his biological grandchildren since all the other grandkids photos were there!. he said that my behavior was appalling- and i should stop being a passive - aggressive jerk making this whole thing about me. i lost it on him and demanded that he take our (me & my wife) photos down. it's either the 4 of us or none. but he refused saying he won't let me ruin his work besides it's his house i have no say in the matter. i started lashing out at everyone for defending him including my mother in-law after stating they don't need pictures to remember that they lost their grandchildren but - was i wrong for expecting to see the 4 of us as a family among the others who had pictures of their kids? my reaction caused a lot of tension in the house and i just wanted to leave. my wife was upset that i caused a scene and didn't control my tongue when i said what i said. but i think that we were treated as if our kids didn't even exist which's a whole lot worse than being excluded from a family photo college. aaita?

aita for demanding my fil to take our (my wife & i) photos down when he excluded my children from family photo college?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ndci9c/aita_for_demanding_my_fil_to_take_our_my_wife_i/

2021-05-16 00:33:04

i'm leaning toward yta. no one is going to include a stillbirth photo in an album. i'm sorry you are hurting but including a photograph of a dead baby is gruesome.

yta - not everyone is going to want to include relatives that passed away in a collage. expecting someone to include a picture of a stillbirth is inappropriate.

it's very sad, but yta. you and your wife have clearly been devastated by your 2 losses. but your reaction did indeed make this all about you. and though i can understand about your 1-month-old daughter, no one, and i mean \*no\*one\* would include a photo of a stillborn child in such a collage. once again, i know you've had some devastating life experiences. but you're going to have to deal with them without lashing out in anger and attacking those around you.

yta nobody and i mean **nobody** is required to hang photos of stillborn babies in their house and you’re insanely unreasonable in thinking they should.

yta. this wasn't your gift. you don't get to dictate what pictures people hang in their houses. some people don't like to constantly see reminders of sad things in their own home. there's nothing wrong with that.

very gently, yta — i understand why you’re upset and i’m so sorry you and your wife have had two such horrible tragedies. but, chances are, the reason he didn’t include your children is that they have passed on and, rather than a happy memory for your mil, seeing them in the collage would make her sad.

yta...you acted like a spoilt child and created a scene when there didn't need to be one. you could have politely pulled him aside and quietly spoken to him. instead, you pulled out the victim card and proceeded to act like a child. it's his house. if he doesn't want the pics up, or his wife doesn't, tough shit. losing a child doesn't give you license to do anything but grieve in your own way, which does not include telling other people what to do. it's not as though i have no frame of reference. i am a widower. her siblings don't want pics up because it hurts, cool, whatever. doesn't affect my life in the least because i have them up in my house.

yta. no sane person hangs pictures of dead babies up.

unfortunately yta. the grief is totally understandable and justified but the outburst is not. even the way you wrote it which is most likely skewed to your favor makes you look like a totally unreasonable hot head. i think a picture of your daughter, while she was still alive, should have been included but i can understand why a picture of a stillborn baby wasn’t (although he was loved and is still precious). you do owe everyone an apology for your behavior and for brining in a lot of baggage into your outburst. i hope you and your wife are able to get the healing you need. i’m so sorry for your losses.

a very gentle yta. i understand why your fil didn't include your children; they died so young that to people other than you and your wife they (the children) probably don't "feel" real. i doubt that your fil was intentionally trying to exclude your children; i also doubt he was intentionally trying to hurt you or your wife. i think that you and your wife need some grief therapy to cope with the losses. for the record, i lost my son years ago. i know that the grief is overwhelming at times, but it gets bearable in time.

BENIGN

i’m getting married in 2 months and one of my bridesmaids has an arm full of tattoos. she has previously covered all of them with makeup for work events when it was absolutely essential. i asked her if she would cover them up for my wedding just to not draw attention to her and for pictures etc. she said she wouldn’t feel comfortable with that as it’s part of her identity and she doesn’t want to just for my ‘aesthetic’ wedding. i talked to my photographer and she said she could cover them in the photos in the editing process and give me some edited and unedited photos etc. i decided to do it. i mentioned to her that that was what i was going to do (i thought her problem was just not wanting to change herself for my wedding, i thought it would be fine to fix the photos). she was so mad at me and called me an asshole. am i?

wibta if i photoshopped my bridesmaids tattoos out of my wedding photos?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c9ekfc/wibta_if_i_photoshopped_my_bridesmaids_tattoos/

2019-07-05 10:48:09

i'd say yta. i imagine you asked her to be a bridesmaid because she's your friend? it shouldn't matter that she has tattoos. the fact that she is there and is a part of this important day should be all that matters.

yta ​ you chose her as a bridesmaid, presumably because you like who she is. this is who she is. if you do this, you're gunna lose a friend.

yta like i get that you have a preference but imagine you thought your friend had an ugly nose or her breasts were very large or anything like that and you asked your photographer to fix those things. that’s not really cool. her tattoos are a part of her physical body. if your friend got large breast implants it would be in bad taste to photograph them smaller and it would be in bad taste to photoshop your guests to look prettier or whatever so i really don’t think you have a leg to stand on with the tattoo. you shouldn’t have invited her to the wedding if you didn’t want to have her tattoo in pictures.

yta. i think it's already been covered in the thread so far, but your friends tattoos are a huge part of who they are. they're not just an aesthetic; people get tattoos for a variety of deep and personal reasons and in getting them covered up you're essentially telling your friend and the world at large that you don't like that aspect of their personality. i am struggling to understand why you invited her to be a bridesmaid and such a prominent part of your wedding process/photographs if you didn't like her tattoos in the first place? the whole process seems very shallow and underhand. ​ i hope you apologise to your friend.

yta i don't understand all these wedding posts on this subreddit about people being butthurt about tattoos or hair or whatever in weddings. i understand that weddings are important and there is this immense pressure to make it pristine and perfect, but you have to remember it's a celebration of this wonderful event with your family and friends. how will everyone enjoy the day if one person has their limbs covered in make up, another friend is forced to wear a wig or dye their hair or some guy was forced to cut their hair or shave simply to fit the "aesthetic" of that day?

nta. i'm going to be in the minority but here is what i think. you allowed her to express herself at your wedding. you are only getting edited photos and even then you still have unedited shots. your friend covers up with makeup for work. if it's something she needs to do on a regular basis then having some photos edited of her shouldn't be an issue. i don't think it's unreasonable to have pictures where the attention isn't going to be drawn to her sleeve. although i don't think she is an asshole for being hurt that you got edited shots, she is an asshole for making you feel like you weren't allowed to do it.

yta. a bit bridezilla really, if you didn't want her tattoos in your photos why make her a bridesmaid?

gentle yta. i understand wanting your wedding to look a certain way, but i don't think it's ok to erase part of your friend's identity like that. perhaps there's another solution, like having her pose side on or with the tattooed arm behind someone else? or adding a bolero to her dress? at the end of the day though, if you didn't want her tattoos in your photos, you shouldn't have asked her to be in the wedding party, not without politely negotiating a cover-up first.

yta getting married doesn't entitle you to dictate how people look to the extent of covering things you deem unsightly or less than perfect. why are you getting married? to have that perfect instagram story, or because you want to stand up in front of friends and family and demonstrate your love for the person that you are marrying? why do her tattoos offend you so? who do you think will care, beyond you? if you don't like them, and she, perfectly reasonably, doesn't want to cover them, then decide whether this is a friendship worth breaking over something so petty.

nta - yeah i don’t really understand the you’re the asshole comments here. you’re not asking her to cover up anything, you’re going to to something that literally has no effect on her at all in editing the pictures. why does she care so much if her tattoos are visible in your wedding photos? this really isn’t something that should be some huge argument and if anything shows your friend is looking for attention with her tattoos. as long as you’re not forcing any changes upon anyone, i’d say you’re well within your rights to do as you please with your wedding photos that i’m sure you’re paying a lot for.

BENIGN

my ex-gf and i never had a real breakup. we've long considered each other to have a special relationship, but we're afraid of losing it so we date other people. we dated the last year in college, but never got serious. it was a casual but intense relationship. after college we 'broke up' but kept in touch. there was no animosity. we just both moved back home kept in touch and lived our separate lives. we still kept in touch and have admitted we've never had an emotional connection or sexual chemistry with anyone except each other. but we always say circumstances kept us apart. she has been dating this guy for the last 5 years (we're both 29). over the course of their relationship, she's been very close to me. i know everything that goes on in her life. her bf knows that i'm her best friend who lives far away (she tells him) but he doesn't know we dated for a year. i've met him twice and we get along great. anyway, two days ago he died in a car crash. it was horrible for her, i can't imagine how hard it's going to be for her now. immediately upon hearing i went to her city and stayed with her for a while. her friends and family were there but she gave me by far the most attention. last night, at the wake (at his parents house not hers), we were in the kitchen chatting and hugging, then i'm not sure who initiated (maybe we both did) but we kissed. now i'm not going to lie, i am very attracted to her and it could be all the emotions coming back but no part of me didn't not want to kiss he. she's gorgeous, cute and feels perfect in my arms. anyway, her boyfriend's friend walked in on us and went ballistic on us. we tried to get him to calm down but he ended up telling everyone and making a scene. i left right after, but everyone at the wake was calling me an asshole, some even threatening to kick my ass saying i'm taking advantage of her, a grieving widow. the funeral was today, and obviously i didn't go. i texted my friend 6 hours ago saying i'm terribly sorry for causing this and that i hope she remains strong during such an awful day. she never replied which is fine, i don't expect her too right now. however, i got text from her mother earlier telling me never contact her daughter again. i apologized and told her the emotion of the situation caused us to act irrationally, and that it doesn't mean anything. another mutual friend messaged me on facebook saying that she can't believe i'd be such a cunt and the advantage of someone who's grieving. i know i kinda fucked up and i should have stopped up. but do i deserve all this hate? it's not that i was taking advantage, i know how this comes across to everyone who's also grieving too. i didn't know the guy well, but i do feel his loss knowing so much about him too. he was effectively my best friends husband (they didn't believe in marriage and they did plan to spend their life together). i'm very worried about her though. but either way, am i an asshole?

aita for kissing my ex-girlfriend at her wake for her late boyfriend (died two days before).

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/by2f2o/aita_for_kissing_my_exgirlfriend_at_her_wake_for/

2019-06-08 01:21:22

yta. deciphering your post leads me to believe she went to you for comfort and you crossed a line and tried kissing her and got busted. it would explain everyone’s reaction to you including your friends.

yta. her boyfriend of 5 years wasn't even in the ground yet and you were already making a move on her? wtf dude.

ultra yta, you dont seem like a dick as a person, but you fucked up really really bad, jeeeeeeez

wow. so much yta. in so many ways. and the fact that you think you only messed up a little only confirms that fact.

yta for kissing her at that time, even if she was the one that initiated it. that was not the right time or place. saying you "took advantage of her" strips her of her own agency more than i'm willing to do based on the information provided, though. when i'm grieving, i'm well aware of my actions, and i think the others here are wrong to *assume* she didn't know what she was doing. maybe that was the case, maybe not. but either way, you're still ta for allowing it to happen at that time and place.

yta. did you take advantage of your ex girlfriend? i don't know. regardless, yta, you acted extremely disrespectful at the wake. wakes aren't the time for public displays of affection, much less when it's with the deceased's girlfriend! you disrespected the late boyfriend and his family.

yta. she was with this guy for five years, you consider them on a marriage intimacy level, yet you said she hasn’t had any emotional or sexual chemistry with anyone but you? wtf. so not only did both of you lie to this poor guy for five years, you go to his grieving families house after meeting him twice and make out with her in the dead bf’s home? you’re such an asshole i don’t even know how to put it into words. the only thing i hope from this post is that his family is ok, and this girl cared more about him than you’ve let on.

yta, absolutely. not only did you take advantage of someone in an emotional state, but i can hardly imagine the disrespect his family felt. their son passed away 48 hours ago, and you had the audacity to kiss his significant other, whom they probably consider as family, in their home. unbelievable.

yta, she’s obviously very emotional and it’s very possible to not kiss someone even if the temptation is there. i’m sure people are seeing you as just taking advantage of her because, to help her own guilt, that is probably the story she is telling everyone and herself. so perhaps they are overreacting a little bit but either way you shouldn’t have kissed her.

yta. this entire situation is so beyond inappropriate and disrespectful. you made a move on a grieving widow at her dead partner’s wake, at her dead partner’s parent’s house. so yes, you are 10000% the asshole no matter how you try to justify it. it doesn’t matter what feelings you have for her or what your history is. they were as good as married and yet you have catapulted yourself into her life and made a move on her at the worst time in the worst place.

BENIGN

my mom (49) and i (24f) flew back from a holiday in brazil last week to houston which took off around 10:30 pm . it was a connecting flight from sao-paolo to mexico city and then mexico city to houston. in brazil, mom asked me to safe-keep our passports and my handbag also had our toothbrushes along with moms driver license. we took from mexico city around 8 am in the morning, and we wanted to brush our teeth after having breakfast. as mom asked for her toothbrush, i suddenly realized i had forgotten the entire handbag back in mexico city's restroom (mom still had the boarding passes so we did not notice when we got on the flight ). she lost her temper at me, and started shouting at me to an extent where the air stewardess had to warn mom about her behavior .as we landed in houston we were actually detained by immigration. we spent around 20 hours in detention , which was like a crowded jail cell where our phones and things were confiscated, we were both searched by the police and though we were not handcuffed, were asked to put our hands behind our back while walking. finally when our stories were verified and our identities confirmed to be american citizens, it was around 3 am the next morning. we were going to take a rented car which mom had pre-booked and as her license was not with us, we had to get an expensive taxi home. once we got back home, mom called our extended family and told them we spent a day and a night in jail like criminals because of my stupidity. she asked me to pay for car rental money that we lost and the taxi fare which i paid back. i know i was stupid for loosing the passport and putting us through this ordeal, but aita for her yelling at me in the flight and embarrassing me in front of our extended family? wouldnt be surprised if we are both ta... thank you everyone for me being ta , i know i messed up. but those who think this is not real, please know that the mexico city airport works where you do need to show your passport at the gate and in fact there is an additional security check there as well (of your hand luggage). but once you go into the gate, there is a bit of a waiting area with seats and restrooms, which is done mostly for any delays during departures. this has been the case since covid happened due to random infection tests. but if you do not believe it then dont- i just wish my family thought to the same aobut hte most embarassing thing in my life :(.... ​

aita for loosing our passports and being detained at airport or is my mom being one for how she reacted?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xnf099/aita_for_loosing_our_passports_and_being_detained/

2022-09-25 05:56:06

yta - she was right to be annoyed, being detained is scary! and you were "embarrassed in front of your extended family" for a very good reason. you screwed up, big time.

you had one job. yta

yta - seriously?

how in the heck do you just *forget* a bag with all of your identity documents in it?! no, seriously, how? i moved abroad 10 years ago and i have had to keep my passport on me any time i leave the house. it isn't by some miracle that i haven't forgotten my passport and lost it, it's that it is *my primary identification document* and it can't get lost. i have to be able to provide it on demand. seriously i feel for your mother, and i feel 2nd hand embarrassment and shame for you. holy crap are yta you had *one job*.

yta. i can't really blame your mom for her reaction because i probably would have lost my shit too. this is one of those things you gotta suck it up bc it was your fuck up. on the plus side, eventually it will just be a funny family story.

i disagree with the other comments. yta. it's a big yta. you were in charge of the important documents. not only your passports but also her license. was it a mistake? sure. but it just shows lack of care on your part. passports are expensive. you both will now have to replace those and she'll have to replace her license. so because you couldn't keep track of the very important bag, you both spent a day in detention, and there's now going to be a lot of followup. i know it's an extreme, but she's now majorly open to identity fraud. you're downplaying how bad you messed up and not trying to accept fault. it's not a library card.

this is not a small thing. yta you made a huge mistake. yes, there are contributing factors, but you were in custody for *20 hours* and you’re so blasé about it i don’t think you understand how serious it was. god, don’t travel. you’re the idiot american tourist who causes problems everywhere and thinks it’s everyone else’s fault and/or thinks everyone is overreacting.

yta - lmao you had literally one job

yta. you lost the one thing you literally need to get into a country, doesn’t matter if it’s your home country or not. you’re 24, not 14, how did you not notice you didn’t have your bag with you? how were you going to be able to fill out your declarations forms without having your passport number? passports aren’t cheap either and can be used to steal your identity, especially if it’s has your mothers drivers license with it too.

yta. you fucked up big time and didn't expect your mom to get really mad? do you think your mother is a robot? even saints get mad, you know. and angels smite people to death.

BENIGN

my (29m) older brother (33m) passed away last month in a freak accident. it was extremely tragic, and my family is still grieving. it was a shock for me, because we grew up very close. he was always there for me, and was my role model and best friend. i don’t think i’ve quite processed the loss. it has been especially rough on his wife and kid (7f). he was the primary earner of the household, and my sil has a relatively low wage job and significant amount of debt. apparently their family was living paycheck to paycheck. now that some time has passed, the idea of how she and her daughter will get by has become hard to ignore. my mom has privately floated the idea that since i make a decent income and own quite a bit of property, that i could help my sil and my niece out for a while. while it’s true that i have a lucrative job, and a lot more in savings than my mother is aware, i felt uneasy about the idea and said i would get back to her. yesterday, my sil said that she had gotten a second job and was really grateful i was considering helping them out. i was shocked. i hadn’t realized my mom had talked to her about it. i tried to make it clear that yes, i was considering it but i was undecided. i think it came out harsh, since my mom quickly said “he means he’ll need some time.” i stepped in to clarify any confusion, and said i didn’t know this was expected of me and that i most likely wasn’t rich enough to give handouts. my sil was extremely hurt, and began to tear up. she said she wasn’t asking for handouts, that the most she would’ve asked for was my help with getting a small loan, but couldn’t believe i’d be dismissive and make her feel small. “after everything we did for you”, she said. i think she may have been referring to the fact that i lived with my brother and her during my first couple of years in college. they let me live rent free, and provided all of my meals. it was a hard time in my life, and they helped a lot. i feel sort of guilty, but i also feel i am entitled to my savings. i didn’t want to be backed into a corner. i don’t think i will be helping my sil in any capacity, since she tried to weaponize the time my brother helped me out. my mother thinks i am being cruel and selfish, and dishonoring my brother’s memory, and don’t understand “the meaning of family”. aita?

aita for refusing to financially help my widowed sil and her child?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ij4orh/aita_for_refusing_to_financially_help_my_widowed/

2020-08-30 01:55:14

yta it was nta until this, " during my first couple of years in college. they let me live rent free, and provided all of my meals. it was a hard time in my life, and they helped a lot. " you're happy to take help when you want it but reluctant to give it when needed. especially back to the same people who gave it to you. yta

yta factor how much rent and feeding a young adult would cost for those years they helped you and stare at that number. look at it!!! that money they spent on you should have went into their savings instead they were gracious. you are in this good position in your life partly because of them. yta

yta. if it wasn’t for the whole “years of college rent free” thing then i’d probably say nah, but jesus...your brother and sil took you in when you needed them in a much less serious way, and now that your sister has literally lost everything but her daughter you’re going to decline even helping her get a loan??? and she’s not weaponizing the help she gave, she’s reminding you of a time in your life when you needed help and they were there.

yta. this isn’t a handout. you are repaying a debt. your brother and sil gave you free rent and food for two years. you don’t like handouts? fine. tally up what two years of room and board is and pay your sil what is owed to her. i’ll help you with the math. average cost of a year in the us is $10,000.

yta. of course she brought it up. she's desperately trying to figure out her and her kid's life now that her husband is gone. what do you think your brother would expect from you into his situation?

yta. your brother died a month ago and you aren't willing to help the widow of your " role model and best friend" out at all? and accuse her of weaponizing the two years they spent helping you through a tough time? no, she was reminding you that you mooched off of her for two years and now won't even help her get a small loan or donate to help out your brother's child.

>i lived with my brother and her during my first couple of years in college. they let me live rent free, and provided all of my meals. it was a hard time in my life, and they helped a lot. uhhhh duhhh yta. how hollow do you have to be to not know that?

yta wow you actually can write he was always there for me, and was my role model and best friend he was always there for you and money is more important to you than the love of his life and the child who is now never going to have him there for her. i have a feeling you didn't pay enough attention to your role model because it sounds like if the situation were reversed the help would already be there. so you don't want to give a handout, add up all the rent you saved, the food you ate, extra if someone else did the cooking, don't forget to add on for any laundry done for you, or rides given. also be sure to add a good tip because it sounds like they did this all without you feeling like a burden to them and it is never easy to have an extra person in your home even if they are family. now take this amount write them a check and walk away because your brother would be ashamed of you.

yta, not for not helping (had you just said “i’m sorry, i can’t,” and left it at that, you wouldn’t have been ta), but because you called it a handout and because you apparently feel no sense of loyalty in repaying a favor when your sil is in need. how sad would your brother be right now if he knew this is how you were behaving? i’ll add that your mom is also ta for meddling in your finances and speaking for you, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a stingy, callous grinch.

so, if this is true, you're entitled to two years of free room and board because you were going thru a rough time. now you are not sure, though you have a lucrative job and savings, if you can give a helping hand to your recently widowed sister in law and niece. and you're wondering if you're an asshole. well i'm considering it but i'm undecided. i'm not sure if i'm able give you handouts.

BENIGN

hey everyone, so i’m a bit conflicted and i want some judgement on whether or not iata. last friday i ordered a cake from a family owned bakery in the area for my mother. i was told the cake would be done by saturday afternoon, and should pick it up then. so far everything is good, i pay the full price for the cake and go about my business. when saturday rolls around i run into a slight medical emergency which occupies my till late after the bakery has closed. at that point i had nearly forgotten about it. regardless, i received no call from them, so i figure i’ll simply pick up my cake tuesday (the shop is closed sunday and monday). so today i walk in and ask for my cake. the young lady goes into the back and after 15 minutes of searching they can’t find my cake anywhere. as a compromise, they offer me a display cake, which i gladly accept. about 10 minutes after i leave, the shop calls me and informs me of the situation. apparently, since i was unable to pick up the cake saturday they threw it out without telling me, which is why they were unable to find my cake. since i took one of the cakes, the lady asks that i pay for another cake for the one i took from the display. am i the asshole for not wanting to pay for the second cake, considering both parties had a miscommunication?

aita for wanting a cake i already paid for?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cb7cv5/aita_for_wanting_a_cake_i_already_paid_for/

2019-07-09 21:43:25

info. if there is a stipulation requiring you to pick up the cake in a certain time frame, yta. if there is no such stipulation, either nta or nah depending on how forceful they are. in *either* case, you are not required to pay since they gave you the cake, the transaction has been completed.

nta. you paid for a cake, you got a cake. i in no way shape or form understand how you would need to pay for a second cake. and if your cake wasnt ready until saturday, i don't understand why they threw it out at closing on saturday.

nah. they threw out your cake because you didn’t pick it up, and then when you got a new cake they asked you to pay for it. they had no idea about your medical situation either.

info: why couldnt you call them saturday ? if there was a timeframe and you agreed to pick the cake up on that day, you should have given a courtesy call. they should have done that too, but you knew and just assumed that you could pick the cake up several days later. either way, you should not have to pay for the second cake. it just sounds like a lot of miscommunication or no communication, so esh.

esh. assuming from your "so today i walk in..." paragraph, the person that was there assumed that the cake you ordered was ordered that day. she thought that the cake wasn't made, so in order to compensate for not even making the cake that you presumably ordered that day, she gave you a display cake. come to find out, you didn't order the cake that day, you ordered the cake last week, and was asking for the cake at a later date. at this point it's your fault that you weren't specific enough of the situation. however, the fact that the bakery didn't call you to ask if you were still picking up your cake, and defaulted to just throwing it away, also causes whoever was working that day to be an asshole. so to a lesser extent, you're an asshole, but to a greater extent, the bakery is the asshole. the lady that is asking you to pay for the display cake isn't an asshole.

nta. they offered you the display cake in lieu of the cake you already bought, which you took in settlement. maybe if they hadn’t already given you the display cake they’d have an argument that you’re not entitled to a cake if you don’t pick it up in time, but it’s already a done deal.

nta. the vast majority of the fault lies with them. they should have at least called you before throwing it away. i don't know what kind of cake you ordered but most are still edible when properly stored for 3 days.

i’m a baker that takes custom cake orders. nta. i would never throw away a cake without client consent. i think if they offered you another cake they should have made you aware of the stipulations beforehand.

i'm going to go against the grain here and say yta. you paid for a custom cake, they made the custom cake, and you didn't show up or call. it sounds like the lady thought the bakery made a mistake and didn't make your cake when she offered you a replacement. it takes a lot of time and money to make cakes and she basically made you two for the price of one.

nah, worked in bakeries for 10 years, and cakes don't go bad after two days. we would cut up 2-3 day old cakes and sell it by the slice, which thrn lasted another week. and assuming the bakery had your number, they should of called you first.

BENIGN

i (23f) just got out of a long-term relationship with mike (24m) of 2 years. we did mid-distance so we never got to see much of each other. there was mis-communication and i ended up cheating on him with a friend. he found out via a mutual friend so he called it off. i know what i did was wrong but this isn't about that. mike left a few of his things at my house and asked me to visit him or at least meet me halfway to drop them off. i refused. why should i travel for hours to drop his things off? he also said that because he spent so much money visiting me toward the end of our relationship (though-out we travelled 50-50 but i could never find the time to go to him so he came to me and said **he didn't mind**) that i should be willing to do this. i still maintain my position and told him i wouldn't be travelling. then he asked me to mail his things to him but because of the value of the items, i refused as i don't want the blame if they get lost in the mail. i was venting to my friends and they said while it's understandable i don't want to travel and see him, that this is a selfish thing to do. especially when he is asking me to mail them and cover the cost so i don't need to travel. so aita?

aita for keeping my ex's possessions and not shipping them back?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yunwcz/aita_for_keeping_my_exs_possessions_and_not/

2022-11-14 03:42:47

it’s his stuff, you cheated, he’s only asking you to mail them (you can mail with insurance) be a nice human and do the right thing. yta

yta. you’re just making excuses now and trying to get revenge for him ending it even though you cheated.

yta. ship the stuff and have him pay for insurance. i mean, it’s very self centered not to be willing to do that if you cared about him at all and he’s willing to pay shipping.

yta. if things ended mutually, the decent thing to do is make sure he gets his stuff back. but because you cheated, it's in your court to send the stuff back or drive it back. but you cheated so you prolly don't really care about this anyway.

let me get this right. you cheat on him then rob him? the least you could do to show any ounce of being a good person is return his stuff, even if you’re too lazy to do so. yta. obviously.

yta - you can't just like, take someone's stuff, c'mon. the value of the things doesn't really matter, just get insurance on the shipment for a few dollars - but still it's not like you're at fault for it.

yta but i’m sorry, i’m still stuck on “there was a miscommunication and i cheated on him”. em, what? because unless the “miscommunication” was you thought you guys had broken up, i’m not really seeing how you couldn’t possibly be the ah. either way, sounds like your ex is better off without you. give him back his stuff.

yta. just send them insured mail.

you lost all rights to the moral high ground when you cheated on him. give him his stuff back. yta.

yta. you cheated on him, and get indignant about doing the very least, giving him his stuff back? yeah, you’re the definition of ah.

BENIGN

throwaway because my friends and family know my actual reddit account. i am aware how awful the title sounds, but you have to know my side of the story before making any judgement. i am currently 16 and i am living with my parents and ‘sister’. my parents officially adopted her 2 year ago because her mother passed away and my mother promised her that she’s going to take care of her daughter. they had problems adopting her because some of her actual family wanted to keep her plus my parents had income problems for a while but 2 years ago they managed to do adopt her. i won’t go into much detail about this as it’s irrelevant. ever since they adopted her, my life got so much worse. my parents give me no attention as all the attention is given to my smaller “sister”. not only that, but i am also supposed to help my parents around the house because they need to spend as much time as possible with her! and of course whenever my sister has any problems and my parents aren’t around i am supposed to help her or i will get punished! also everything that i have must be shared with her (except the room and my phone). i got sick of this. 2 years passed and nothing changed at all. 3 days ago, my sister came into my room without knocking while i was talking to my friends about her and she heard me. i told my friends that the only reason my parents adopted my “sister “was because they were close with her mother and then when she asked me if my parents actually love her i told her no. ever since that day, she stopped talking to everyone and is locking herself in the room and crying. the good thing is that she is not telling my parents why she’s upset but i think they will eventually find out. i told my friends about it and they said that i am the only one in the wrong here and should seriously consider apologising. i however don’t think i should, and if my parents find out i will be punished really bad because only she matters to them!

aita for telling my adopted sister that my parents don’t actually love her?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iv3ri7/aita_for_telling_my_adopted_sister_that_my/

2020-09-18 10:44:37

wow. yta, 100%. let's break this down. because you feel like your parents have paid you less attention since your sister was adopted, you took a child who lost her god damn parents and told her that her adoptive family don't love her? because you have to do a few extra chores and share your stuff, you shattered the world that an orphaned child had managed to build up? you should be ashamed of yourself. if you're old enough to have a phone and post on reddit, you're old enough to have some god damn empathy for a child who literally lost their mother and their whole world with it. talk to your parents. tell them what you did, apologize to your sister and tell her that you're bitter, jealous and full of shit. ask your parents to arrange therapy for you as soon as possible, because holy shit you need it. your parents did a good thing. how would you like it if they had died when you were her age and you were sent to live with a new family who's resident child told you that nobody loves you? op, pull your head out of your ass, stop being so self absorbed and try to understand why what you did and your entire attitude right here is disgusting and hurtful. if you can't be kind to your sister, just leave her alone.

are you serious? she lost her mother and you are jealous of sharing attention and love major yta maybe ask your parents for more attention and understanding in a communicative manner. totally in the wrong here wtf

yta 100%. couldn’t you talk to your parents about your feelings? her mother died and your family is all she have left. it may be hard to see your parents paying more attention to her, but a simple open-hearted conversation to your parents about this would have been much better.

yta. you clearly resent her because your parents adopted her and it doesn’t seem like they gave you any indication that they don’t love her. if you were giving her a fact you directly heard them say maybe you get an e s h, but you were cruel to someone who lost their parents and hasn’t done anything to you. if anything talk to your parents about unfair treatment, don’t take it out on your sister (who is really your sister by the way, legally). try to have some compassion for this girl who has lost her parents while you still have both of yours, even if your life is a little more difficult. her life is probably significantly worse as well without you shitting on her.

yta. this is a horrible thing to do. this girls mum died. how would you feel if that happened to you. go and apologise and perhaps stop being so childish.

uh... the comments... look, kids need love and affection. their parents are supposed to express that. if they don’t express it enough, the kids grow resentful and end up doing shitty things. they’re justified in their resentment and jealousy. they are not justified in the shitty things they do. you guys are being painfully unsympathetic. yes, the sister has suffered more. no, her suffering does not invalidate yours. pain isn’t a competition. as everyone in this thread already explained, that comment broke your sister’s heart in ways neither of us can understand because we’ve never been there. you can be considerate towards others while prioritizing your own well-being. yta, but i understand. apologize to your sister. do not blame her for your parents’ failure, and make sure she fully understands that she is loved and not responsible for your own issues. i don’t think either of you are qualified to help each other, since you’re both teenagers. therefore, i wouldn’t recommend talking to her about your resentment issues. the people you *should* talk to are your parents. do so when the dust has settled from this drama to avoid getting into trouble for the shitty things you said. just talk to your parents about how you also need their attention, because you are their child at the end of the day. choose your words carefully instead of lashing out. i’d recommend family therapy, honestly. good luck, poor asshole.

yta. why on earth would you think otherwise? you are acting like a spoiled brat. sixteen is more than old enough to know better.

yta - parents starting to pay less attention to you as you get older is part of growing up and being given independence. helping out and looking after your sister is also part of being an older sibling. the fact that they opened their home to another child and providing a safe, loving place is incredible. if it bothers you so badly apologize to your sister and talk to your parents about possibly doing something you enjoy with them.

yta. her being adopted shows they actually love her! you are jealous and that was a petty comment to make. she’s had a hard enough time losing her mother, something you luckily don’t understand, and now to have someone treating her in such a dismissive way is sad and has to make her feel awful. shame on you, ah.

dude come on man. yta. her mom passed away and you are telling her that your parents don’t actually love her. your problem is not with you sister but with your parents. be a bit more mature and have a conversation with them about how you feel. you really f’d up here and you owe your sister an apology. and about the helping out at home. welcome to life man. you live at your parents for free - of course you need to help out. that would be the case with our without your sister. you sound like you are going through a bit of a teenage phase and you are just projecting.

TOXIC

throwaway account my partner (32m, i’ll call him q) and i (30f) have been dating for 10 years. in my perfect world, q and i have a perfunctory relationship with my parents. we go to holidays at their house for a few hours, when they come visit me for lunch, he comes with. no need for closeness, just pleasantries. instead, q has avoided my parents for 4ish years. he waits upstairs when they visit and i say he’s not there, i go by myself to visit them on holidays. he says i dont need to lie about the fact that he doesnt want to be around them but i still end up smoothing over and saying things like “oh he’s working today.” i just really wish he would just hang out and act like my partner for a few hours. this is the issue: my parents are rough people. they both have issues they never dealt with, so they are developmentally not well (poor impulse control, outbursts). they are critical, manipulative and bitter. i endured a lot as a child. still, i care about my parents. they are people who have had a fucked up life. they’ve always tried to provide for me materially (it’s how they show love) and there are good moments with them now. i want to try to give them some happiness, which for me, means a weekly call for 20 minutes and an occasional visit. tbh this is mostly for them. q thinks i need to be honest with my parents about who i am, etc. and thinks that the perfunctory relationship is meaningless. he is the sort of person who holds grudges (he had a fight with his dad and hasn’t spoken to him in 3-4 years, we didn’t visit his mom for a whole year). he says that people need to learn how they can ‘treat him.’ he has patched things up with his mom and we visit her and even stay over now and then. but for me, he thinks it would be best to completely end my relationship with my parents, which i don’t want to do. for the first couple years we were together, he came to holidays with my family, and my dad even visited him one time alone and had dinner. all along the way there were small criticisms, but we dealt with it. then there was a major event: in 2016 my dad sent me a letter that said a bunch of really hurtful things. my mom said it’s because he was isolated and alone after a surgery and i should forgive him. for q the fact that he had disclosed a lot of personal details to my dad that my dad weaponized against him in the letter was the last straw (stuff like his dad being a drug addict). all the other criticisms along the way came back. my mom has apologized (really they think q is overreacting) and my dad refuses to and says q should come speak to him ‘like a man’--they seem to forget about the letter a lot. in my perfect world, we all just forget about it and have pleasant lunches and my family is happy. q says it’s not fair of me to ask him to expose himself to their ridicule. am i the asshole for getting mad that q won’t?

aita for wanting my partner to stop hiding away from my parents?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hl818q/aita_for_wanting_my_partner_to_stop_hiding_away/

2020-07-04 18:23:48

yep! yta - just because you have adapted to your toxic parents with their toxic traits doesn’t mean that your partner has to deal with them. he has a right to put in place personal boundaries. you have a right to chose a relationship with your parents over having positive, healthy influences in your life. but you shouldn’t force other people to “inherit” toxicity that you put up with simply because you want your partner and your toxic parents to “get along.” your bf should not say that you shouldn’t have a relationship with your parents at all, as that is your decision, but as long as he isn’t blocking *your* ability to see them or *imposing punishments on your relationship* when you do, he’s doing nothing wrong. but you would be, by trying to force a relationship.

yta. it’s true, people will treat us in the way we allow them to. it sounds like your partner has a level head and chooses not to engage with abusive people. if you still want to keep a relationship with them, thats on you. but your partner is free to make his own choice as well. this would be different if they were just nice people and he was being antisocial. but that doesn’t sound like that is the situation and instead he has made a choice to step away from people that he feels are toxic, and you should respect that. to be honest, you sound like a doormat. sorry. 😐

so you admit yourself that your parents are unpleasant, and your dad has been horrible to your partner and still refuses to apologise for it, yet you expect your partner to ignore and forget all that to spend time with them to make them happy? yta. you should be sticking up for your partner. you should be calling out your parents' bad behaviour. if that was me i would refuse to speak to my parents until they apologised to my partner and started treating her better. you expect him to keep being treated like garbage and be nice to them, when they're clearly in the wrong. tbh i think your partner is being more than reasonable for hiding away in his own house so you and the people who have been horrible to him can enjoy themselves. you say he's the sort of person to hold grudges, i say he's the sort of person to have some self-respect, stand up for himself, and not let people walk all over him and treat him like rubbish.

yta, and a big one. you want to force someone you supposedly love into a relationship with abusers who have done nothing to earn it. has your dad even apologized to him for the letter? or to you? just because you will keep subjecting yourself to them doesn’t mean he has to, and he’s right: they should know it’s because they are awful people. stop making up excuses unasked.

yta. if q doesn't want to be around them, and for good reason, he shouldn't have to be. you've chosen to continue your relationships with them, and nobody's calling you the asshole. he chose to avoid his own when they weren't respectful, and he wasn't an ah for that, either.

esh, but your boyfriend. you for not standing up to your parents and being dishonest. your parents for obvious reasons. everyone here is an adult. why do you hide the truth from your parents? they’re adults. they should know and learn that their actions have consequences. why do you want to sweep this under the rug instead of confronting your parents that your father basically shit all over your partner? would it be acceptable for his parents to crap all over you, then forget about it? i feel bad for your boyfriend. you haven’t defended him. you minimized his feelings as if they didn’t matter and want him to socialize with people who think little of him and his family.

your dad went out of his way to attack q by writing that hurtful letter. he's never apologized and both your parents think q should just shut up, move on and ignore it. why would you think that's ok? not only are you ta for wanting q to ignore your parents' bad treatment, the fact that you want to pretend everything is ok sends the message to q that you think it's fine for them to mistreat them. if you want to continue to have a relationship with hurtful people, that's your choice, but it's not your choice to force that same decision on others. yta

yta. he married you, not your parents. if they’ve mistreated him he doesn’t have to have a relationship with them.

it's hardly "holding a grudge" to cut toxic people out and he has more than valid reasoning for not wanting anything to do with your parents. yta

yta, your perfect world would probably be hell for your partner, why should he feel miserable while interacting with people who are not nice to him because "they are family", 1) they are not even his family. 2) even if they were he could cut them out for being toxic to his well being. if you think you can deal with your parents and keep a relationship going, go for it(even though you don't have to, family does not mean putting up with anything), but he is no way, shape or form an asshole for not tolerating it himself.

BENIGN

i and my husband have been married for a year. we were dating for 4 years before that he worked at a farm before he got down with typhoid because of poor water quality where he worked, since the water he took to work would never be sufficient. i am a sahm of a 1 year old. i have been caring for him ever since he got typhoid as i was previously a nurse. i however did not want him to go to the hospital because then our child would be at risk of getting covid. he's been an absolute child since he got sick. i barely have time to take a bath because he's always in the bathroom vomiting or having diarrhea. then i have to scrub it clean because it stinks worse than death in the bathroom. today i had an extremely busy day, cooking, cleaning up, administering him medications, breastfeeding, changing nappies, etc. when he requested me for a bottle of hot water because his stomach was paining a lot. i told him to stopacting like a baby and that i'm not his mother to look after him hand and foot all day. he didn't talk to me after that. he got himself food from the kitchen and even scrubbed the toilet clean after himself. he's now lying on his bed panting and is clearly restless and unable to find a comfortable position. i feel like an ass for shouting at a sick person aita?

aita i told my husband to stop expecting me to baby him

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qkjc6y/aita_i_told_my_husband_to_stop_expecting_me_to/

2021-11-01 17:42:52

# he has typhoid take him to the goddamn hospital holy shit yta # "because then our child would be at risk of getting covid" well now they're at risk of getting fucking typhoid. and you're mad at him for having typhoid. you chose to not take him to the hospital. now see why you should have. he has constant vomiting and diarrhea, he probably cant keep fluids down at all, so he's massively dehydrated. he probably has a fever in excess of 102. why is he not in the hospital again? at least there he can be hooked up to an iv and stay nourished while he recovers. yta for so many reasons. ​

yta. bigly. husband: i have a potentially fatal illness. wife: i used to be a nurse and can take care of you better that a team of doctors and people that are still nurses. don’t get help. i will take care of you. husband: i’m really sick and need help. wife: fuck that shit. i have no time. gonna go complain to the internet. you’re a terrible partner. sickness and health, for better or for worse. does that ring a bell?

jesus. yta. you won't let him seek medical attention for **an illness that could kill him**, then complain about having to take care of him?! wtf is wrong with you!!! what's your address, i'll call the fucking ambulance for him.

yta. he's literally sick, and you "did not want him to go to the hospital". well, then, what do you expect him to do? get better out of the blue because it's convenient to you? stop being sick for your sake?

yta. if you don't want him to go to the hospital then he will need your help at home. >he's been an absolute child since he got sick. i barely have time to take a bath because he's always in the bathroom vomiting or having diarrhea. that's what being sick is. that's not behaving like a child. why are you so concerned that if he goes to the hospital the baby may get covid but not concerned about typhoid?

wait, you “wouldn’t let him go to the hospital” for proper treatment, and you’re mad because he is sick at home? yta no question

yta. the man is always vomiting and experiencing diarrhea and you haven’t taken him to the hospital? what, did you hook him up to iv fluids yourself? and the baby is too weak to get covid, but is apparently fine living with one positive typhoid patient and another who could be a carrier?? unless you are wearing ppe every time you engage with husband (and his excrement) you are putting the yourself and the child at risk. you are a nurse, not a full time hospital staff. you cannot effectively treat him on your own, and certainly not in a way that is safe

yta. wow, had to google typhoid but you realise it can kill? this one goes for the organs. honestly, on this one, screw covid, he should've been taken to a hospital immediately. "he's an absolute child since he got sick." yeah, all that vomiting and diahorrea is really childish. are you sure you're a nurse because you can't even spell diahorrea properly. i really hope this isn't real because if it is, you're a major ah. take him to the fecking hospital now so that he can get proper treatment and maybe not die from this. this is like stephen king's misery - typhoid edition.

yta - take him to the hospital. do you want your baby to risk typhoid?

this has got to be fake. who gets typhoid nowadays? if real, yta. you can't refuse hospital care and then complain that the patient isn't well enough to do his share of the clean-up.

BENIGN

wife's sister is (or i guess was) pregnant. it's a big thing because she was trying for years with her boyfriend. her health and the baby's health were excellent during checkins so in came flowing the gifts which was her idea. she made a list, gave it to family, and we all went to town. we bought her a crib ($1200) and some baby clothes (about $200) in preparation. she also received other gifts from other family members. she decided to terminate the pregnancy because her boyfriend left her after an argument. he's not involved with her anymore. this is her exact reasoning and politics aside, she doesn't even need a reason. free country, etc. but... we told her to return the baby items to us and she refused, saying she'll use them one day. sure, but we can just get it back for you then. this is holding our money hostage. she still refused so we asked to be reimbursed at which she also refused. trying to defuse the situation, we then said that this is her birthday and christmas present for the year and she was none too happy. knowing we're now dealing with a brat, we let it be and aren't associating with her for now. this caused a cacophony of chaos in the family with many upset with her and many supporting her. never upset because she had the termination, but because she requested all of these things when she wasn't 100% sure she'd keep the pregnancy. are we the assholes? please don't inject politics into this thread, thank you.

aita for having our sister in law reimburse us for baby stuff after she had a termination?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/d9w459/aita_for_having_our_sister_in_law_reimburse_us/

2019-09-27 05:53:32

yta she’s grieving. she terminated a pregnancy she thought she wanted, because the man she thought she wanted left, and now everything she thought she was and was going to be is gone. whether you see her suffering or not, that all sucks and is painful. i get that you feel your money was wasted, but maybe having gives her hope that one day her life won’t be this hot mess of emptiness she’s got right now. just let it go.

yta. never give what you're not willing to say goodbye to, whatever the reason you gave it for. not really sure why the cost of these over the top gifts are relevent.

yta gifts don't get to come with strings attached.

how far along was she?? did she have a baby shower? this whole story is bizarre because a) usually people don’t make big announcements or buy anything until at least 12 weeks to get past the threshold when miscarriage is most likely b) typically you can only get a termination up to about 24 weeks if the woman is healthy and there are no complications with the fetus or pregnancy. after that there do need to be extenuating circumstances for any practitioner to agree to perform it, and usually it would be a medical reason. so some time when she was between about 3-6 months pregnant, before the typical time for the baby shower, you guys lavished her with $1000s of baby gear? and now you want your money back? first of all, always yta anytime you want a gift back. don’t give gifts if they aren’t really gifts. that’s just across the board in any situation. and next time maybe wait for the baby shower to buy baby stuff. there’s a reason they usually throw them at 7ish months.

yta - her whole world just collapsed and you're pressed right now about these items?

yta. based purely on timelines, your sil was less than 6 months into the pregnancy. while she made a list of things that she would need/like for the kid, it's not a good idea to go super expensive gifts that soon, simply because even w/o termination out of choice, there's always the possibility of complications. you gave her gifts. they are now hers to do with as she likes - you never mentioned strings attached when you first gave them to her. if she lost her child because of complications, would you still demand the items back? > this is holding our money hostage no, it isn't. holding your money hostage would be something like refusing to pay back money you had **lent** to her, not refusing to return gifts you bought her out of your own free will. if the gifts were contingent on a live child being born, you hold them back until she gives birth. > she wasn't 100% sure she'd keep the pregnancy. yeah, you're a dick. per your own post, she'd wanted a child for a while, and things only changed when the father of said child left her. some women are not build to be single moms, and she might not have been able to afford to be one regardless. she didn't announce her pregnancy while considering termination, that only happened once circumstances changed **enormously** for her. you say she made her choice "just because her bf left her", as though that wasn't a monumental shift in how she would handle having a child, as well as future plans that she would have had until them. your sil is grieving the loss of a child she wanted but couldn't have for reasons that should be obvious. she is also grieving the loss of her long term boyfriend, and the person she believed she would spend her life with and would be the father of her kids - which is made worse by the fact that he chose to abandon her while she was pregnant. instead of having empathy for her, you and your wife are obsessed with money. what do you plan to do with the items? you say you'll return them to her when she has a kid, so are you keeping it in storage? or returning them and planning to buy them later - when inflation is a thing, and prices will rise, making it more cost-effective to allow your sil to keep the items and gift her something less expensive for a future baby? nope, instead you're calling her a brat, when in fact, it's the two of you acting entitled and cruel. bluntly, for caring more about money than a woman who has been blindsided by two huge losses - one out of her hands, which led to the other a difficult one that she had to make because it was the best thing for her new situation - you guys are both the assholes.

everyone is saying yta, but i’m going to disagree, despite the downvotes that i’m sure will come. nta. $1400 is a whole bunch of money to give someone as a gift. you did that out of kindness, and understandably didn’t pay that kind of money for the gifts to sit around unused. i guess it depends on how long it’s been since the abortion. everyone is saying that she’s grieving. i for one wouldn’t want an empty crib staring me in the face if i was grieving the loss of my unborn child, but i do understand people deal with things differently. i’d suggest giving it a little time and see if she comes around.

nta. when you buy wedding presents and a wedding doesnt happen, the jilted bride or groom still has to return presents. if it were a miscarriage, i'd say drop it and let it go, but she chose to end the pregnancy. she forfeits her right to the gift in my opinion. i think declaring the gifts her birthday and christmas presents is a great compromise. hold your ground.

esh (although your suckage is limited). it’s completely bizarre to me that, politics aside, you’d be trying to get pregnant “for years” with someone only to do so, have a fight bad enough that your so wants literally nothing to do with your or the baby, and for it to still be soon enough to terminate. she didn’t have an unexpected miscarriage. she chose to terminate. would she keep a wedding dress her mom paid for if she decided she didn’t want to get married anymore? would she keep college books her dad paid for if she decided not to go to college any more? this is no different. she is definitely ta for thinking she would get to keep everything for some imaginary baby she may or may not ever even have (especially if she has to try for years for this one). but even though she chose this, that doesn’t mean she is nevertheless heartbroken. you are also ta for bringing this up, presuming it hasn’t been long. maybe would have been better to let things settle first.

i'm with the unpopular opinion - nta - i wouldn't want that stuff sitting around doing nothing. if she has a baby down the line, like you said, she can re-purchase the items she needs. she may even be in a better financial position, or have different tastes etc.

BENIGN

i (21m) have a boyfriend selim(20m) who had a kid "tj" (6m) his sophomore year of highschool with his ex girlfriend mia(19f). mia has majority custody and only goes to college part time while selim goes full time and i don't see a whole lot of tj. since selim is graduating this year and will have more time as he's already somewhat started in job he's getting a degree in mia brought up to him that she wants to start going full time and have selim have majority custody until she finishes. thy would then do joint custody after they've both graduated. selim is all for it and has been wanting to spend more time with tj then he already does. i on the other hand am not really with it. not that i dislike tj , he's a good kid and all that, but me and selim live together and i'd effectively be acting as parent and i'm definitely not ready to be taking care of a 6 yr old. i talked to selim about it on friday and just straight up told him i'm not ready to play stepdad to his kid and i didn't want him to take majority custody.he got upset and told me i knew this was a possibility and that i was being selfish. i countered that i didn't sign up to be a step dad and he yells at me that i knew he had a kid when we started dating and has been sleeping on our couch since. aita?

aita for telling my boyfriend that i'm uncomfortable watching his kid and that i'm not ready to be a stepdad?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tiq0cl/aita_for_telling_my_boyfriend_that_im/

2022-03-20 17:22:52

yep yta. who the hell do you think you are to tell a dad who is active in his sons life that you don’t want him to have primary custody? that’s shitty and immature. you knew he had a kid when you started dating. and the fact that he wants to do this so his child’s mom can go to school full time is awesome. sounds like they support each other and are able to co-parent well. you should not sabotage it for your own selfish needs. do both of you a favor and get out of the relationship. if you’re not ready to be a step-parent then fine. you’re allowed to feel that way. but don’t get in the way of a good father/son/co-parenting relationship.

yta got knew he had a kid and now you're actively advocating he be a bad dad and not put his son first. if you don't want to be a step dad, don't date people with kids.

yta don’t date a parent if you’re not okay with dealing with their kid. it’s that simple. the parent and kid are a package deal. you’re not part of that equation right now. i hope he finds a partner who is actually ready to be a partner.

yta. first of all, him having full custody doesn't mean that you would have to babysit or "be a parent". second, and this is the most important thing here : you have the right to not feel ready to be a stepparent but in that case, you don't move in with someone who has a kid. what is mia dies tomorrow ? would you expect selim to put his kid into foster care until you're "ready" to be a stepparent ? you had no right that you don't want him to take full custody. that makes you a huge asshole. if you're not ready to be a stepparent, just move out.

hmmm... yta. would have been n-a-h if you had just realised that you and selim want different things at this stage of your life... but then... "and just straight up told him i'm not ready to play stepdad to his kid and **i didn't want him to take majority custody**" that puts you squarely in ah territory. it's fine not to want to be a stepdad, or to be in a caring role. it's more than fine - it's admirable - to realise that and express it in a calm way, and decide that this may be a dealbreaker for you. it is **not** ok to tell your bf you want him to give up custody of his child for you. he is a dad. if being with a full time dad is a deal breaker for you, then let him go. editted - wow, thanks for award 😊

yta. >and i didn't want him to take majority custody for this part especially. you don't try to guilt trip someone out of having their child majority of the time. you leave before you go that route. >he got upset and told me i knew this was a possibility he's absolutely right. you knew this going in, and yet you moved forward with the relationship. this will alter your relationship. if hes a good father, he is going to put his child first here. odds are he will probably move out so he can have the custody arrangemens he wants, whatever that means for the relationship so be it. if you try to stop that, you'll be an even bigger ah.

yta - you did kinda sign up to be a step dad as soon as you moved in with your so. if you don’t want to be a step dad, move out. that’s your option. you can’t elbow tj out of the picture.

nah if you move. otherwise yta because you knew the score when you started dating a parent.

yta you chose to date someone with a child, and then chose to move in together. he’s right, you knew from the beginning, you do not get to interfere in the custody agreement between this child and his parents. if he truly can’t handle it, you should move out and/or break up. did they seriously have a child at ages 14/13?

yta you knew before you got into relationship that he had a kid. what would happen if lets say tomorrow mother doesnt want to be involved. and selim gets full custody. you are a good guy for having this conversation with him. but its not your place to say how much custody he will have etc.

BENIGN

i have a 6yo son and she has a 7yo son. our family relations were fractured growing up and we don't want that for our kids. we have playdates with our kids and we mainly talk about parenting and schooling. we are different parents in the sense that she coddles her son and i tend to be more moderate with mine. she's been married for 10 years, i have been a single dad for four. the other day, my nephew and my son were at my sister's when she had to leave the house for 30 minutes so i stayed behind and watched them. they were playing with legos and my nephew was telling us what he built and how a certain lever shot a cannon. my son, being 7, wanted to shoot it himself and my nephew had a fit. my son was confused. i told my nephew to chill out and there was no need to get dramatic over a lever. my son wasn't going to break it and he knows that. i also told him that other kids aren't going to want to play with him when he gets that way. after we left, my sister called me and asked me why i shamed her son over legos. i didn't hit him, i didn't cuss at him, i didn't kill his cat. i told her that i told him the same thing that i would tell my son, period. she told me to never do that again. i told her for all those educational toys and tutors and no sugar, she is sure raising a neurotic kid. she hung up on me. she texted me hours later and told me i owed her an apology. i replied "thanks for the laugh."

aita for refusing to apologize to my sister for "shaming" her son?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iy0mkf/aita_for_refusing_to_apologize_to_my_sister_for/

2020-09-23 01:18:17

ok, so yta for a few reasons. your nephew built it himself and was proud of it. your son was being overly demanding in insisting on using it himself. your standard for being a decent parent (not killing his cat??) is pretty low when it comes to yourself, but apparently pretty high when it comes to your sister. also, you called her kid neurotic and mocked her. yup. yta and she does deserve an apology.

yta - did you ask your nephew why he didn't want to share? or did you assume he thought your son would break it? how did you you know your little angel couldn't possibly ever break a toy - even accidentally? did you tell your son that it was your nephew's toy and if nephew doesn't want to let him use it your son isn't entitled to play with it? was it really necessary to tell him no one would want to play with him over one instance of not wanting to share with your perfect child? is there really a reason you think you are so much better at parenting than your sister? (accusing her of coddling vs you being more moderate and what do your parenting styles have to do with how you spoke to a 6 year old? telling a 6 year old no one will want to play with him isn't "moderate". it's mean.)

yta. guess you two have more work to do overcoming your fractured family. "you sure are raising a neurotic kid" was unnecessarily blunt and "thanks for the laugh" was very dismissive. you've shown disrespect for how she is raising her son. good luck with that.

yta - why would you let your son act like that? because he's older her gets to push the lever on the lego set that another/ child built himself and is proud of? you're teaching your son to act entitled. plus, the way you talk to your sister is absolutely unacceptable. i wonder if you weren't a lot harsher to the nephew then you claim? i mean why would you even mention killing his cat in this post as a sane form of punishment? it makes me wonder if you could have said that exact thing to your nephew... edit/ info: you state your son is 6 and her son is 7, at the beginning - and somehow your son becomes 7 years old later in the post. what are the correct ages?

yta. why is her son the problem? why couldn’t you have told your son “no”?

yta—100% —you didn’t handle your nephew’s reaction well at all. it was terrible to say other kids won’t want to play with him. you should have handled your son, and told him, sometimes other kids don’t want to share their toys and it’s okay. you don’t always get your way. you also were terrible to your sister.

yta. children are people too and they deserve to have boundaries. if your nephew made something, he has a right to decide whether or not he wants to share that toy with anyone else, your son included. it's important to show respect and allow boundary for children, it's part of good parenting in my opinion. here is a link to [why you shouldn't force your child to share](https://www.verywellfamily.com/forcing-your-kid-to-share-4126426) that may shine light on your innocuous exchange with your nephew. at the end of the day, your nephew is not your child. you don't get to dictate how your sister parents her child.

except that you didn't "tell your son the same thing" when he expected to have someone else's toy. why was this a learning experience for your nephew and not your own son? you seem to have a chip on your shoulder about your sister's parenting style, and you lacked the grace to apologise for dissing it. yta, with arrogant bells on.

yta. boy, you acted like a jerk and seem very proud of yourself for it. what kind of parent says 'chill out, no need to get dramatic' to a six year old? who tells a child nobody will want to be friends with them? you're not 'moderate', you're mean to children. also, pretty funny that you accuse her of coddling her son when you're apparently raising yours to think he should get to do whatever he wants with other people's shit.

bit lacking in details but sounds like yta. from what i can tell your nephew built a cool lego thing. he then wanted to show it off and play with it himself for a bit. your son can build his own damn lever or ask politely to shoot his cousin's cannon. unless there's some major info missing here, it's not grounds to call him neurotic.

BENIGN

i have 2 little girls, 18 months and 3. they have never spent a day apart from each other and they're very close with each other. my dad called me and said he wants to take the oldest camping (it would be my parents, their friends, and my niece (who would only be able to go if my oldest went)) for 3 days/2 nights at some campground thats a couple hours away. i said i'd talk to my wife and see what she thinks. we decided that if they take the oldest, they have to take the other one too because it's not fair. they're a package deal - it's all or nothing. the baby shouldn't have to stay at home with us and miss her sister while she's out camping with her grandparents and cousin. well my dad didn't like that idea. he's saying my wife stands in their way from letting them see the kids and they knew we wouldn't let them, etc. he was becoming hard to understand on the phone. i asked him to put [my stepmom] on the phone. i told her "i just want to clarify that i'm not saying y'all cant see the kids, i'm just saying that if you want to take one, you have to take both for it to be fair." she started getting a defensive saying that in the future they will be doing separate things because they'll eventually go to different schools and have different groups of friends, etc. but she eventually said that if that's what we want, she'll respect my decision. so i have to ask, does this decision make me seem like an asshole?

aita for telling my dad that if he wants to take one of my kids camping, he has to take both?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjwquu/aita_for_telling_my_dad_that_if_he_wants_to_take/

2019-05-02 16:10:04

yta. who wants to take an 18 month old camping? not me. you're being weird.

yta. how will an 18 month year old enjoy camping? it would not only be very difficult to watch the young one, but difficult to deal with in general in a camping ground. it's not unfair, because a kid that age wouldn't enjoy the experience.

yta. it’s a big difference taking a 3yo camping vs a 2yo. way harder to look after 2 kids as well. are you never going to have your kids be apart? dependency like this isn’t healthy. life isn’t always “fair”; when your first daughter starts going to preschool then is it “unfair” that her sister can’t go too? really weird reasoning from you here and it’s pretty crappy to deny your dad this bonding time with your oldest.

yta- this is an unreasonable demand under the circumstances and a weird demand all around. perhaps you just want a kid free weekend?

yta: i have a sister that is one year younger than me, and as we got older this became a major strain on our relationship. we didn't have a lot of money, and my mom would sometimes have to get us gifts that we would share, or sometimes we would get the same gift. we were often treated like package deals, and we resented each other for years as a result... this may be cute when they're little, but it's not cute when they're older. or the opposite can happen... they become codependent on each other. that's also incredibly unhealthy. also, forcing someone to take an 18 month old camping? what are you thinking?

yta it is beneficial for both girls to have some independent experiences. there is no reason that you should not allow your 3 year old daughter to go camping and spend time with her grandparents. it will give her a great experience and will allow you and your wife the opportunity for some quality 1-on-1 time with your younger daughter. they aren't a "package deal". they are 2 independent people with different needs, wants and personalities. you should treat them as such.

yta. i go camping with my kid and have since she was a tiny toddler, but taking a diapered 18 month old is much different than a 3 year old who is better at sleeping and communicating. they're not favoring your 3 year old or attempting to hurt the 18 month old. this is about what is age appropriate. put it this way: are you limiting your 3 year old's activities to what an 18 month old can do? why are you holding the 3 year old back from having a fun adventure? wouldn't your 18 month old love undivided mommy and daddy attention while your 3 year old gets grandparent and cousin time?

yta it's normal and healthy for kids to spend time with family independently and the 3-year-old will have a ton more fun and actually be able to participate. a better compromise would be to ask grandpa to plan another activity on another day for 18 mo so they can spend quality time also. if they were older i would be in your corner.

yta sounds like you just want a free babysitter tbh

yta the baby isn't going to miss her sister, she probably won't even notice. i think you just want a weekend with no children

BENIGN

when my son was 15, he came out as bisexual to his father and i. while we were initially shocked, we told him that we would always love him. however, since then, he has only ever had girlfriends. he always said that he wanted a wife and kids and this this led me to believe that he would want to settle down with a woman. 5 years ago he met and started dating a gay man, "josh". this was his first time dating a man and my son seemed much happier than when he was with his girlfriends. last year, he proposed to josh and they got married this february, just before we entered the pandemic. yesterday, my son came over to visit and he was ranting about something that happened a couple days before. he was holding hands with josh and some random guy started shouting homophobic slurs at them. they just ignored the man and carried on with their day. he continued ranting about homophobia and how he wished he could do normal stuff with his husband without being stared at, judged or yelled at. after he was done, i sympathized with him but told him it was his choice to marry a man. he didn't choose to be bisexual, but this was his choice. had he married a woman, he could do normal couple stuff without being judged but he chose a harder life. which i felt was the truth. anyways, he did not like what i said and he cut the visit short, leaving immediately. i told my sister this and she agreed with me but when i told my husband, he told me what i said was insensitive and pretty biphobic.

aita for telling my son that he chose a harder life

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/iwk24i/aita_for_telling_my_son_that_he_chose_a_harder/

2020-09-20 19:11:21

yta. your comment was biphobic. he didn't chose to fall in love with his husband, and other's homophobia are not his fault. if he had chosen to marry a woman, then people would tell him he's not really bisexual because he picked a woman. either way, he's still being judge for something out of his control, and you saying that just proved to him you don't understand his struggle.

yta because you're acting like he could have 'chosen' to marry a woman and then everything would have been just hunky-dory, but since he didn't he should expect to be judged and harassed by ignorant twits on the street. would you say the same thing to a black woman who's constantly harassed for marrying a white man? that she should have 'chosen' to marry within her race if she didn't want to be harassed on the street by ignorant jerks? would you tell a tall person married to a very short person that they shouldn't have married outside their altitude if they didn't want to get harassed on the street? i'm hoping you wouldn't. your response to your son's anger was insulting to him. 'well, sweetie, if you insist on wearing a bright pink shirt, you have to expect that you'll be judged and suffer a harder life than if you'd chosen something more mainstream.' you diminished his dignity and basically made excuse for the fact that people treated him badly.

hard stop. sexuality is not a choice. he’s bisexual, and he fell in love with a man. homophobia would still upset him if he fell in love with a woman as he’s bisexual and it’s a part of him. not a choice. yta

yta the only person culpable for yelling homophobic slurs at your son is the person yelling homophobic slurs. also, your son did not "choose a harder life". he did not choose to fall in love with his husband, just as you did not choose to fall in love with yours.

yta. imagine he had married a black woman (and he were white) and some racist started giving them shit. would you say, you chose this, you should have married a white woman, if you didn't want a harder life. no? because that'd be racist? yeah. same thing. homophobic.

yta. op's comment basically legitimizes the abuse her son received.

yta. how would that work? your son: "hey josh, sorry i've fallen in love with you, but i've decided to choose the easier life and marry a woman instead"

yta no one should be harassed because they chose a different path. by telling your son he chose a harder life because he married a man you are basically saying it’s his fault he gets harassed. you should apologize.

yta - what you said was cruel and uncalled for.

yta. this was definitely an insensitive thing to say. it doesn't matter who he chose as his partner. he has the right to do normal things with his spouse and shouldn't be berated for it while he walks down the street. what if he had married a woman and gotten yelled at for the same thing? would you sympathize with him then? if you would, then you should now.

BENIGN

my ex and i were engaged but broke it off early into her pregnancy. we had a lot of issues, but our breakup was precipitated by her catching me sexting people behind her back and a couple of flings. overall, we have kept it amicable through her pregnancy but i definitely wouldn't call us friends. i called to check on her since she is due within the next month and asked what the plan for delivery was. i guess i assumed i would be in the room when the baby is being born. she told me due to covid precautions she is only allowed one person with her while she is in the hospital and she's going to have her best friend with her-that i could meet the baby once she gets home. i got angry and told her it was petty and vindictive to not allow me in the room to witness our child's birth. she snapped back and told me she needs someone who brings her comfort and she can be vulnerable with and that's not me. aita for calling her petty in this situation? edit to add: since these have been questioned in the comments -i cheated on her. yes some of it was before she was pregnant, she broke it off cause she caught me sexting when we were laying in bed one night and then found all the other stuff -we ended on the note we would try to be friends for the baby. we were going to try to go to counseling and see if we could fix things and work it out for the baby but then she caught me in a lie (not cheating again but related to lying trying to minimize her hurt due to what i'd done) and she cut me off completely other than giving me updates after each appointment and inviting me to a 3d ultrasound. it's been entirely her choice to not be friends. -her best friend hasn't even been around for her pregnancy since she's been traveling for work. she's only coming back now to help with labor and recovery then leaving again. -last, part of why i feel it's pettiness motivating her choices is cause she is using covid as a reason to keep my family from meeting the baby. she told me she thinks only my parents should meet her until she gets a bit older, and wants them to wear masks. but she's still working as a nurse getting exposed to covid daily so how is it really that much of a concern to her. i feel like it's about control over the baby.

aita for calling my baby's mother petty for not letting me be in the delivery room?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/p1lqa1/aita_for_calling_my_babys_mother_petty_for_not/

2021-08-10 09:24:13

yta. giving birth is an incredibly difficult process so she has the right the focus on her comfort first. really, i'm surprised she is even offering to let you see the child. i know many women that if while they were pregnant their partner cheated on them, then the father wouldn't see anything but a court date for child support. you should be grateful she is being as civil as she is.

hahahahaha yta. you don’t get to watch your baby be born when when you cheated on your baby’s mother. you’d have to be insane to think you’ve maintained that privilege. i cannot imagine the mental gymnastics you are going through to actually think your ex is being petty for not choosing you to support her during labor instead of someone who actually gives a shit about her.

yta you cheated and then expected to be there at her most vulnerable moment in her life. she wants someone who she can trust and you have clearly proven you aren't that person.

yta. giving birth is a very vulnerable place to be in. you are not someone she can trust so you are out.

well you just want to have your cake and fuck it, don't you? what is it about your relationship so far that makes you think you have any entitlement to be in that room? you've proven that you're not to be trusted, you're not interested in being in there for her, you're only interested in what you want and she doesn't need that kind of selfish energy when she's being ripped apart from the inside. by the way, you say it's amicable but if you cheated on her there's a good chance she fucking hates you but is being civil because she's stuck with you in her life now. yta

yta a huge one! her body, her labour, her choice. you lost any privilege when you cheated. silly boy.

yta only the person with the new human coming out of their body gets a say in who is in the birthing room. if you should have been the birthing room person, wouldn’t you have been asking about the birth plan sooner than “she’s due within the next month.” have you been going to the dr appointments? lamaze classes? preparing in any way to be the calming presence for the actual pregnant person during labor?

yta. you cheated, you signed up for this. also a woman can choose whom to have with her while giving birth, because it's one of the most vulnerable moments in life.

yta you absolutely destroyed that relationship by yourself. of course she doesnt trust you and doesnt want you there she probably doesnt want anything from you but childsupport money. get to work bud! should have been loyal and worked on whatever you were upset with her for or just been honest and broke it off when you realized you werent satisfied instead of cheating on her and destroying her faith in you

yta. its a medical procedure and who the mother has in there with her is her choice and noone elses. usually it is someone the mother trusts. and that presumably went out the window when you cheated on her. actions have consequences. the idea that you think this is vindictive speaks more of you than of the mother. "me, me, me, me!"

BENIGN

a little backstory: my (27m) sister (29f) -- we'll call her mary -- and i have had a struggling relationship for about 13 years, not that it wasn't toxic before then. while growing up our mother always pushed her hard in school, supported her passions thoroughly, and sided with her in most arguments we had. i on the other hand always felt like the unsupported, trashy, black sheep of the family who was ignored unless i was doing something wrong. mary is naturally smart... like the kind of smart that allowed her to never get a single b throughout her molecular biology major in college. she was good at sports, music, the arts, you name it and she was (and for some things still is) better than me at it. mary beat me at everything. though i compare us sometimes, i try not to share my resentment with her because of our views on who was the "favorite" child greatly differ. she suffered, i suffered, mom's a dick for treating us like that. we haven't spoken much since i was forcibly moved out after my freshman year in hs to live with my aunt and uncle, and later my dad. on to the story: mary decided she wanted to adopt a newborn after having two other children herself (congrats to her and the baby, she's an awesome mom, i think). i dont know much about her preparations, but i do know it takes a stupid long time to even get all of the approvals. i haven't had any kids yet but my wife and i found out a couple months ago that we're having our first on october 13th!! woohoo!!! i'm so stoked and ready and i'm cleaning out our second bedroom in our first house -- then i get a message. it was mary, asking when our due date was, then following it up with, "...ours is due on october 12th." they had found out a month before that they were matched with their soon-to-be child, the same time we announced my wife's pregnancy to the world. every ounce of my soul wanted to call her up and scream, "fuck you!! can't you let me have something, anything you don't already have???" she has a nice house with a large yard, a good husband, two fucking adorable children. i just can't get over it. it drives me and my wife nuts that we now have to share the limelight of our familial and social circles with her badass self and another one of her adorable popsicle suckers. i havent said anything to her, and i dont plan to until i have a cooler head. aita for feeling like my sister is stealing ours and our baby's attention because her adopted baby is due one day before ours? edit because i didn't make it clear enough in the post: in no way do i think she did it on purpose.

aita for being angry at my sister for adopting?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bh4dcm/aita_for_being_angry_at_my_sister_for_adopting/

2019-04-25 04:17:46

yta. you need therapy. a lot of therapy. your baby will still get plenty of attention, you and your wife need to grow up. don't say a damn word to her about this, because it's 100% your issue.

yta....wow mate....just wow. you hate her for something she couldnt even chose the timing off. i would suggest therapy to get help with this. i get you had a shitty childhood and i am sorry you went through thios, but it's unhealthy.

yta. you have a lot of competitive, jealous and resentful behavior.

yta. please seek therapy for the resentment your carrying around your child hood. it sounds well earned, but dealing with it will make you a better man, husband and father. your sister is adopting an unwanted child! that's not about you or your family and it isn't something whose timing she gets to set. enjoy your new family and let this go.

yta — i was going to say nah until the last part. you have resentment towards her for something she has zero control over. your mom was the shitty person, not her. she can't dumb herself down because you feel like she's smarter, and you can't just expect her not to have nice things because your things aren't as nice. why aren't you happy for her that she achieved these things? she can't change the due date. what's she going to do, tell the mom to keep her legs closed a couple days? she had no idea they were going to line up, so how can you blame her for that. the only thing you need to talk to her about is how you're planning on making sure baby showers, hospital visits, etc don't overlap.

yta. you're letting your past resentment color this - it's not exactly like babies pop out right on time anyway. there could be a week or a month between y'all and it's not like a family can only celebrate one birth. she didn't specifically plan this to spite you, so take a deep breath and focus on your own preparations.

yta - your sister isn't adopting a baby to hurt you or steal your thunder. adoption is a deeply personal decision between her and her husband and the baby's biological parent(s) that is 0% your business. your feelings are completely understandable, but you are letting your envy get the better of you. that said, congrats on your little one.

yta. you know what would be most people's reaction to finding out your baby will have a cousin the same age? excitement. joy. happiness for your child because they get a built in age matched play mate for life. an opportunity to set aside the toxic atmosphere you are perpetuating from what must have been 10years ago and reconnect with your sister. take that energy you're expending being pissed off that your sister is doing well, and put it into forming better relationships - for the sake of your child, if nothing else.

op, i have been your sister. it wasn’t my fault, nor my brother’s, but it happened that i was always just a little ‘ahead’ in almost all areas. it sucked, for him and for me. i guarantee that your sister hates the tension between you two as well. i bet that her heart sank when she got the news that the baby would be due in october - and she texted you to confirm knowing that you would react like this. think for a second what that might be like. each time those report cards come in, the ones that you burn with envy over, she cringes because she knows it’s going to make her family fracture. the news of her own child’s due date might have invoked an “oh shit” feeling instead of joy *because you would be upset*. she’s not trying to steal anything from you. because life is not a competition. and guess what? she’s going to fall behind at some point anyway. i would wager that there are some things she *already* thinks you do better than she does, things you have that she does not. you need to stop counting things like this or it is going to tear you both apart - and your families along with you. yta, dude. but i say that with absolute sympathy.

yta and please consider therapy. being so angry isn't healthy, but it's something you could heal from.

TOXIC

so, i had some bad food last night and got sick. my wife has repeatedly requested that when i hurl, to do so in the toilet. there are a few reasons why this is tough and i refuse. for one, i might have just been there (which was in fact the case last night). 2, it's a tough position to get in if you are about to throw up, and 3, clean up is actually tougher. i always just throw up in the sink, and i did so last night.. i also cleaned it spotless afterwards with lysol, it looks better than before and is way cleaner than before. her problem is that now she thinks it's gross for her to use that sink. i say that it's equally gross for me to try to position myself in our small bathroom to hurl in the toilet that i was just sitting on. sorry for the gross topic, but anyway, aita for refusing this request and using the sink instead?

aita for refusing my wife's requests to hurl in the toilet?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/sax838/aita_for_refusing_my_wifes_requests_to_hurl_in/

2022-01-23 16:21:31

yta. that’s disgusting. vomit (especially food poisoning) has chunks. so unless you have a garbage disposal you’re also gonna have a clogged sink with your puke. and you wanna keep washing dishes in that? cleaning it doesn’t get rid of the disease and bacteria-ridden mouth or the awful smell.

yta bodily waste goes in toilets. you find it gross to direct your bodily waste into the place your other bodily waste went, but you don't understand why your wife now finds it gross to use the receptacle intended for cleaning that has now received your bodily waste? if you know that you won't use the toilet, at least get yourself a designated sick bucket.

is this a joke? yta. i get that in an urgent moment you can't help where you vomit but the fact that you're defending it is another level. is the sink your puke vessel of choice? you cleaning the p-trap regularly?

yta. you could have clogged the sink or gotten chunks built up down in the drain. if the toilet is unacceptable, get a plastic bucket or trash can and use that, then empty it into the toilet. toilets are designed for solid waste, sinks are not.

yta — bro, barfing in the sink is definitely a last resort emergency situation, not the go-to vom receptacle — people *do stuff* in sinks like drain spaghetti and wash cooking pans, it should be kept sanitary. how fat & out of shape are you that you find it so challenging to squat down and barf into the toilet like literally *everyone else*?

yta - you are cleaning the sink but i doubt you are taking care of the piping. toilets are designed for solid waste, sinks are not. toilets flush, sinks do not.

yta, that's gross dude. this apparently isn't a one-off, out of the ordinary thing. you apparently puke so often an it's become an established habit that your partner literally has to ask you to stop doing it in the sink? not buying the food poisoning line, it's time to stop drinking.

yta. how would you feel if your wife shit in the sink, even if she said she “cleaned it spotless afterwards”? no matter how clean you think you’re getting it, it’s gross. sink drains and pipes aren’t designed to handle chunks and vomit, so you’re likely to cause clogs of vomit, too. gross.

yta put a bucket or a basin in the bathroom.

yta. you can clog the sink by vomiting into it. it really is not that hard to place your head over the toilet bowl and throw up. it’s also much easier to clean a toilet than a sink.

TOXIC

so me and this girl were really close. we both admitted we had feelings for each other but then things cooled off, and such. then last night i found out she had gotten a bf and completely cut her out after finding that out, i blocked her on everything. then her friends started texting me asking why i blocked her and i blocked them too. today at school she came up to me crying asking what she did wrong but i didn't even speak to her, i just walked away. her friend called me an asshole but i think i have a right to cut her off. i dont see a point in speakeaing to her if she has a bf now tbh, but her friends think im an asshole, and she has been really sad all day about it, her bf is angry too i think

aita for completely cutting her out after she got a bf?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/a4uapf/aita_for_completely_cutting_her_out_after_she_got/

2018-12-10 09:43:12

yta. you pretended to be her friend, acted like you were okay with it, until you couldn’t have her. that’s fucked imo.

yta, though to be honest she's probably better off without you dude

yta. why would her getting a boyfriend change anything for you? you say you were really close but were you solely interested in the romantic pursuit, and once it was unavailable, stopped being her friend? sounds pretty shitty imo, unless there's more to it than that.

yta 110%. you guys were not a couple and you yourself just said things had “cooled off” you’re a complete dick. she isn’t yours so she has every right to do d another man. if you actually cared for her you’d explain yourself calmly instead of blocking her like a child. grow the fuck up

yta, girls aren’t machines that you put nice guy coins into till sex falls out. at one pint you were both interested, you made no moves, it cooled off and she moved on so you just ignore her? man, you will be one shitty adult and a terrible husband one day.

yta if you don't want to keep in touch than its your right. and if your interest was just romantic than it makes sense you don't want to talk to her anymore. but the way you did it was wrong. you can't just cut people off and run away from problems.

yta. omg what a fucking asshole! was the only reason you were "friends" with her to fuck her? this has gotten even me riled up

yta. she is not just a sex doll and i think she dodged a bullet. relationships are built on friendship and then they may progress into a relationship or not. but not being able to be just friends with her, shows you only saw value in her until she could offer sex.

yta. at the very least you could’ve explained to her that it’s really difficult to see her with someone else given your history and it wouldn’t be mentally healthy for you and her to continue being friends.

yta. considering you were meant to be friends, you should still want to be friends with her whether she is single or not. the fact that you don’t want to see her now she is in a relationship shows that you never valued her friendship. there’s a difference between having a bit of space and cutting someone out of your life.

TOXIC

my wife and i have been hit badly by the pandemic. she worked in the restaurant industry which meant no work until 3 months ago and i’m a landscaper which also took a big hit because people in my area started doing it themselves and i didn’t qualify for unemployment. she looked after our children while i did food delivery( and some landscaping) and recently i’ve found work at a warehouse (evening shift) and she is going back to work at her previous employer which is also evening shifts mostly. that’s means our sons 4 and 2 have to have be with a babysitter. our old babysitter isn’t working anymore and also the money we make barely every pays for one so it’s probably cheaper for my wife to quit and take care of them than hire one. my mom and her parents live in another state and we are struggling financially. my sister moved to be in state after her work let her move online so she could babysit a few times a week on the weekends or during the evenings because my wife works evening service mostly but she refuses to do it. my sister lucked out with her career and is making six figures without children so she has been able to live large and i asked her to do some babysitting and that while we couldn’t afford to pay her now we should definitely help her in the future with child care and other things. she basically said she isn’t interested and dismissed the difficult situation of my family. i’m angry that she won’t step up a little when her own family is struggling to pay the bills and can’t find a babysitter. i told her she can’t expect any help from us if she won’t put any forward and she snidely told me she doesn’t need help and i’m always the one relying on her. she has been salty towards me since we borrowed 8,000 to buy a car a few years ago and we paid her back 5,000 but it look us more time than agreed on because my wife got surprise pregnant and we couldn’t pay her back until we were sure we could pay for the baby. by the time we offered her the rest of the money she refused to accept it but also she has told me she doesn’t expect anything from me and likewise not to expect anything from her. 3,000 to disown her own family over money troubles is ridiculous in my opinion but it seems she still hasn’t forgiven me for that. i’ve apologized to her multiple times but she has refused to be involved in her nephews.

aita for asking my sister to babysit?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/q1g0pi/aita_for_asking_my_sister_to_babysit/

2021-10-04 21:41:50

yta. more specifically, you’re a mooch. you didn’t “ask” your sister to babysit, you expected her to. and when she declined, you threatened her and now you’re sad that you have no leverage. unemployment is at an all time low and restaurants have been opened for more than the last 3 months. your excuses are weak. take responsibility for your own family. if you can’t afford childcare, you and your wife can work opposite shifts. landscape is rarely a night job and bars are open late. you two can manage.

yta. your sister is not a babysitter at your disposal. she has her own life and you should accept it. you even borrowed money from her you didn't totally repay back.. and you wonder why she doesn't want to help you.

yta unfortunately your lack of family planning doesn’t have anything to do with your sister. she is making 6 figures by her own effort and doesn’t have children likely due to not wanting to plan her time around watching children. it would be nice if she could offer some time to help you, but you are never entitled to her time.

yta. i was with you for most of this until you explained how you took advantage of your sister in the past. looks like that $3000 dollars was an expensive lesson for you.

yta. you stiffed her $3,000. according to your sister it is always you coming to her with your hand out and she rightly has no confidence that you'll ever be in a position to do anything for her. she is absolutely right. you just seem entitled to take and take and take and seem pretty fucking shameless about it.

please please put paragraphs. yta firstly i'm sorry that you and your partner have had it rather crap throughout the pandemic. however, no one has to babysit just because they "lucked out" in there life. "im angry she won't step up a little when her own family is struggling to pay the bills and can't find a baby sitter" - that is your family. the family you decided to have on the careers both parents have. this isn't her problem op. of course she would be mad that you have yet to pay her back the full amount she graciously lent you. yta - please remove your head from your arse and focus on your family instead of bitching about your sister.

yta yta yta. your kids are nobody's responsibility but yours and your wife's. you've already used and abused your sisters trust by borrowing money and not paying her back you're lucky she speaks to you at all. your sister owes you nothing, and as long as you do owe her maybe stop asking for favors.

yta. an entitled asshole, which is quite a bit worse than an ordinary asshole. let's settle some things here. first off, your sister didn't "luck out" into a 6 figure salary. she's worked hard, planned well, and has earned what she's gotten. don't diminish her accomplishments, it doesn't look good on you, particularly when you're the one always asking her for things. second, she has every right to say no. she can say no because she's busy, because she doesn't want to, because she'd rather watch paint dry. you are not entitled to her time, and *especially* if you aren't even going to compensate her for it other than a future promise of repayment in the form of babysitting for kids that don't even exist yet. and we all know you won't actually repay her, you'll be too busy or still working evening shift hours if she ever has kids. (does she even want kids? it's an epically empty promise if she's childfree.) you couldn't even pay her back for the car loan.

yta you aren't asking for a once in a while favor. you're asking to give up her weekends and evenings multiple times a week. she has a job. you're acting like, because she makes money, and works from home, that she has all the free time in the world.

yta - quit demanding your sister take care of your children. get jobs on opposite shifts.

TOXIC

to cut a long story short we have a 3 month old and a 3 year old. the other night my wife and i were arguing that i wanted to watch the football as both kids were acting up at bedtime. she was making dinner and the baby was screaming with her while the toddler was getting out of bed every 5 mins upstairs. in my frustration i said “is it so much to ask to have 90 minutes to myself every few days” to which she replied absolutely it’s unreasonable to want that with 2 young children. she suggested we take it to the internet to get some opinions. the easy solution is for her to take the kids while i watch the football and when it’s not on i take the bedtime shifts so she can relax - but anyone with kids know you can’t plan for their cooperation! so aita for getting angry in this situation and wanting to have 90 mins to myself every few days in the evening?

aita for wanting some “me time” every few days with 2 children

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l0v8ux/aita_for_wanting_some_me_time_every_few_days_with/

2021-01-19 22:40:49

yta, by a landslide. you absolutely can and should have me time, but it should be during an "easier" time, not *bedtime*. why the hell should she have to manage dinner and two unruly kids when you're sitting right there available to help? do you not care about her sanity at all?

yta. you know your wife is struggling, you hear your kids crying and acting up, and your priority is still a football game? you gave up that right when you decided to have kids. wanting some alone time is reasonable. leaving your wife to struggle in a difficult moment with two small children is not. suck it up, act like a parent, and take your alone time when it’s convenient for the whole family.

question: does your wife get 90 minutes of uninterrupted time to her self every couple days? i'm not talking about time to shower or eat in peace, or to catch up on no sleep. i'm talking about 90 minutes to sit down pretend her family doesn't exist, without having to make up "missed work" that she should have been doing in that time. do you give her that? does she get to decide the time, and you just run the house because she randomly decided it was her "me time" regardless of the needs of the kids? cause if you don't then yta.

yta, she's making dinner for you and dealing with both kids and you're crying that you can't watch football in peace?

yta giving each other breaks is great and all, but timing matters. she was making dinner. she cant very well make dinner and watch kids at once. it's not the time for tv. you either watch the kids, or you make dinner.

so you hear your young kids screaming and your wife struggling, and you just want to ignore it to watch football? yea, that's not how that works. priorities dude. yta

100% yta. its natural to want some time for yourself but its just selfish and entitled to expect that time to be while your wife is making dinner, the baby is playing up and the toddler won't stay in bed. pull your weight and be a better father/husband.

yta, why is she cooking dinner and managing 2 kids at the same time, if you helped with either, the kids would've been handled in time for the game.

yta - while it is reasonable to want time alone, this wasn’t the time or the place. when you have a 3 month old, time is a luxury that you don’t really have. put your family first right now.

sorry but yta. your wife is obviously struggling with the two of them and you want to ignore them to watch football? its obviously jusy not a good time of night to want your 90 mins. record it. watch motd. watch highlights... just don't leave your wife to do everything.

BENIGN

my last experience in this sub was bad but let’s try again. i (27m) have recently start working at a grocery store. my coworker (we’ll call her kira) is pretty chill and we’ve become friends lately. kira loves trying new stuff with her hair and she’s had a lot of free time lately due to obvious reasons. she has been stung, bleaching, and otherwise changing her hair a lot. it’s really fried unfortunately and basically looks like straw. it’s a discolored yellowish green at the moment and she’s really unhappy with it. she was telling me about it while we were stocking a few days ago and she asked if i think a short hair would suit her. i suggested that she just shave it off and start over given how her hair is extremely damaged and dead. she didn’t react in the moment but i later found out she was hurt. she texted one of our other coworkers about it and he told me i’d hurt kira’s feelings. now i’m a pretty honest guy and usually give it to people straight. i think if a friend asks for advice you’re a bad friend if you are dishonest or sugarcoat the truth. but the thing is, i didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. aita?

aita for suggesting this girl to shave her head?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/g8g4h0/aita_for_suggesting_this_girl_to_shave_her_head/

2020-04-26 15:21:52

yta she asked you if short hair would suit her. there’s four answers to that - yes, no, maybe or i don’t know. you disregarded her question, insulted her hair and are somehow confused as to why that would be received badly?

yta. i get you were well intentioned, but you screwed up. you basically told her that her hair is so awful she'd look better bald, that's pretty insulting >i’m a pretty honest guy and usually give it to people straight. this is what a***holes say > i think if a friend asks for advice you’re a bad friend if you are dishonest or sugarcoat the truth. except, she didn't ask for that advice, you gave unsolicited advice. that's rude. she asked if you think she would suit short hair, not if she should shave it off, nor was she asking for your opinion on the current state of her hair. all you had to do was say, 'yes, you would suit short hair.'

yta people who say they are brutally honest or give it to them straight are really just rude pricks. there’s a difference between tact and blunt and you need to realize that you lack tact and need to think about how you say things and what you say before you say it.

yta. you didn't even dignify her with an answer to the question she actually asked. instead you chose to just insult her and her hairstyle instead...

yta she asked if you though she'd look good with shorter hair, you took the opportunity to tell her to shave it off bc you think her hair looks like shite... so you didn't answer the question and you insulted her

yta being an “honest and straight” type of guy does not absolve you from using some tact when talking to someone. it’s like calling yourself an asshole “so people know”..it’s still not ok to be an asshole. you’re still responsible for your behavior

yta in this situation, she asked you if she'd look okay with short hair and instead of answering the question you basically said "well, you've ruined it, might as well shave it off and start over". like, i'm sure she knows she fucked up her hair, that's not what she asked you. there's a time to "give it to someone straight" and a time to just be a friend, and you picked the wrong time here.

yta. she didn't ask for your advice broadly, she asked if you thought short hair would work for her. and honesty is not an excuse to say hurtful things. you basically told her "your hair looks so bad, the only good option is to shave it all off." of course she was hurt by that - think before you open your mouth.

mild yta, for not understanding that a shaved head is not even minimally a mainstream hair style choice for women - though on the fringe it is accepted - and for telling her that her hair is "extremely damaged and dead." you've heard the old chestnut, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." i tend to be frank also, but i have learned to step back when i see there's nothing to be gained from offering my opinion.

your post history screams yta (literally - every time you’ve posted on this sub you’ve been voted the asshole) and this time is no exception. she didn’t ask what you thought she should do with her hair, just if she could pull off short hair. you took it a step further and basically said her hair will look bad whatever she does.

BENIGN

ok so it’s not as bad as it sounds it the title, i promise! so i (21m) and my bf (27m) have been dating for about a year, and it’s being going great! except for one thing, we constantly bicker over music. he is a big pop fan. mainly britney, busted, lady gaga etc. now i honestly don’t mind this for the most part. i mean it’s pleasant enough , better than nothing - whatever. but when myself and my friends get together for a drink/smoke , music is our central theme. we all also love music , we are all musicians and basically music nerds all around. so we love to show each other new albums and new artists and just sit and discuss them. now not to say we don’t talk about other shit, but i’m just trying to get the point across that the music is a big part of the night. so when my bf who we will call ross puts on britney spears (except toxic) or something it kinda kills the vibe. last weekend he wanted to put on busted and i was just like “nah man not right now , later” and he has been in a mood since. says i’m a music nazi. pretentious. trying to be cool. blah blah when i’m with his pals i just let them play whatever and wouldn’t ask for anything i like because i know the room wouldn’t like it. ross can read the room fine, he just doesn’t care. what do you think , aita for not letting him play a song ?

aita for not letting my boyfriend listen to britney spears?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/dzi6s5/aita_for_not_letting_my_boyfriend_listen_to/

2019-11-21 11:50:39

"i think his music is beneath me and my friends, and he thinks i act like his music is beneath me!?" really can't imagine why; yta.

being at times a "music nazi" myself: yta. i see why this kills your mood. but if your bf is invited to hang out with you guys, he also has the equal right to put on music he likes and probably wants to share with you. if you prefer to focus on awesome music with your friends, you simply have to do this without him and tell him upfront that it's your private/ personal thing you want to do alone.

yta. would it kill ya to take 4 minutes out to listen to "year 3000" to make the person you apparently love happy and feel included?

yta you're making him feel excluded. date the whole package or don't date him at all.

yta. i get that this is you meeting your friends, but if all of you are sharing music and your bf is invited, he should also play his, no matter what you think of it. also, you sound really prententious relating to music, like it's only valid as "good" music as long as your friends and you like it, and of course "mainstream" music is off the table. i even think it's brave of him to play what he likes for that kind of group. also, as a big busted stan in my preteen years, anyone who understimates the band is ta. i enjoy sharing new and interesting music and i do that a lot with my bf, but honestly i would rather hang out with your bf and his music than with you.

as someone who listens to metal and often is hated for the music i listen to yta. it’s unfair to say it kills the vibe as he is probably not vibing with the music being played. gotta be fair and allow him to have his music played if everyone is.

yta - he's right, you are coming across as a music nazi, pretentious, and trying to be cool... basically what you're saying to him is "you can hang out with me and my friends but don't suggest music because your taste in music embarrasses me!" get over yourself and let the dude listen to his pop songs!

yta. the thing is mate you’re going to have to do things you don’t like for the sake of your boyfriend. if it makes him feel happy and included then let him listen to britney spears.

yta let him enjoy his music.

yta.. sorry but im a britney fan too. everyone enjoys different music, let them... that's the beauty of music. if there are 4 people for example hanging out, why shouldn't he get 1/4 of the choice? however you feel when he plays britney is how he feels listening to your music. put yourself in his shoes and think how happy he is when his britney song plays, dont you want that happinesss for him? as long as the choosing is equal and he isn't playing it more than you get to play your stuff, i think its fair game. taste is subjective. also, i know its gonna be hard, but there is a lot to appreciate about pop music, its an art in itself, good pop might not objectively be good music to many, but theres certainly an art to it. britney spears is classic bubble gum pop and is a thing of beauty if you can try to appreciate it, great catchy song writing too (not by britney haha). and yes you are being a pretentious music nazi. that would literally be the definition, not letting him play something because you think your better than it.

BENIGN

long story short: - my gf’s family has this tradition where they make presents to everyone: uncles, aunts, cousins, etc… and spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars each year. - my side of the family doesn’t make presents. i just make a gift to my parents, that’s all, not even my sister, and i don’t ask for presents in return. we just enjoy each other’s company and bake cookies / stuff. now, she insists that when we marry i have to participate with her in this tradition. i just politely said no. (i don’t have much money and i just landed a good job, so i want to start saving and buy stuff i like. also, i’m extremely difficult to please and hate 99.999% of the presents i get). this blew up in an argument where i told her she can buy all the stupid stuff she wants but with her money, and we will have separate bank accounts. she told me she would choose the presents herself, say they are from the both of us, and i would just need to split the money, but i refused to waste the money for people i barely know and don’t give a single f*ck about, when i don’t even make presents to my own sister. she told me: “what if they make you a present?”. i answered: “i would tell everyone beforehand that i don’t want one and i won’t make one because i don’t feel like it and people never get a present right” she went crazy, told me i’m too extreme and said there are social conventions we are required to follow and i better find another girlfriend if i’m not willing to at least meet her halfway.

aita for refusing to adhere to my gf’s family tradition of making tons of presents to everyone and demanding we have separate bank accounts when we marry?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/rok3l9/aita_for_refusing_to_adhere_to_my_gfs_family/

2021-12-25 23:34:02

yta. i wouldn’t worry about it though, you’re not going to end up married to this woman. to elaborate, joining another family means joining in on their traditions. being rudely dismissive of them and swearing to never participate is a great way to never be invited to actually join the family.

>people i barely know and don’t give a single f\*ck about saying that you "don't give a single f\*ck" about your wife-to-be's family makes yta.

esh i seriously doubt you two should marry. you seem incompatible

there are ways to set boundaries without being so extreme and saying you won't participate in her family traditions at all - simply tell her that your limit for gifts for her family is $x amount and anything she spends beyond that is on her to cover and it can't interfere with her ability to cover her share of the bills. esh - you for being so extreme and her for expecting you to pay half of whatever she spends without discussing the amounts beforehand.

nah you and your gf have very different values about money and family. neither is wrong but they are not compatible. this is going to be a huge problem in your relationship. i’m not saying it’s a deal breaker but i think that you both need to have a really serious discussion about how to deal with this or it will be a constant battle for you both.

esh and you two are not ready to get married if this is how you deal with differences. where your gf is right is about meeting her halfway. you on the other hand are rude to your gf, rude about her family who you 'do not give a single f\*ck about', rude to everyone who's ever given you a gift, appaently and just generally abrasive about all of this. giving gifts is a choice, and you *can* choose to be a complete ah about it as you seem to be here, but well, if you choose to be an ah, people will treat you like you're an ah.

nah. it is not a sustainable "tradition" to buy nice presents for everyone in your extended family, particularly as life keeps getting more and more expensive. and then there's the thing of having to choose presents that everyone likes... it just is a giant financial and emotional undertaking and i can totally understand that you don't want to partake in the tradition financially or otherwise on the other hand, if your girlfriend really wants to partake in the tradition, she should spend her money in doing it without expecting you to pay half which leads you to have an open conversation about separating finances before your relationship progresses too far

yta. you’re telling her you don’t want to be part of her family. doesn’t bode well long term. i think gifts mean more to them than to you, but this is a weird hill to die on.

i do not think you an asshole for not wanting to join... but maybe the way it was communicated. folks saying you should respect your partners traditions.. but what about yours? respect goes both ways and i do not feel like you should be automatically forced to join the other family tradition... however, i do think a middle ground could be found if you both wasn't so set on being right. i am not sure of marriage until you can work out communication in a none toxic way.

yta >people i barely know and don’t give a single f*ck about you mean your girlfriend's family, soon to be your future in laws if you marry her? grow up or break up lol she clearly loves these people and they aren't going anywhere anytime soon. they aren't strangers and you can't keep treating them as if they are. it's not even about the gifts at the end of the day. its about not embracing her family, which will impact your relationship in the long run and is already doing so right now. she's offered multiple compromises and you refuse to compromise at all. you're ta and you need to get over yourself and ask yourself if this is a hill you're willing to let this relationship die on.

TOXIC

aita? so on friday tonight my mom calls me and says she has to come over to tell me something important. when she comes she tells me that my little sister (20) is pregnant. i was super shocked and excited and was about to call my sister. i was surprised she didn’t tell me since she tells me everything. my mom said that my sister was planning to announce it tomorrow to the family but she wanted to throw her a small baby shower celebrating the pregnancy at the house so it’s a nice event to have with the immediate family and some cousins after she announces the pregnancy. how my mom explained it is that my sister would tell us she’s pregnant and that’s when we’d lead her out to the backyard that would be set up. it sounded like such a sweet idea. we quickly planned it and bought some decorations and baby supplies and threw it together. we invited the immediate family as well as some cousins and aunts we are close to and our grandparents. my mom had me take my sister out of the house yesterday so when we’d come back everything would be ready. while we were together i asked her if she had a boyfriend or anything since last i knew she didn’t. she said no. anyways we get back to the house and it was just me, my mom, and my sister in the house. i was assuming that’s when she’d say something to us but all of a sudden my mom just told her there was a surprise waiting in the backyard. i was confused since i thought my sister would say something but we just went outside. everyone ran up to her hugging her congratulating her and she just looked so confused. i was surprised when she started crying and ran into the house cussing out my mom. come to find out she told my mom she was pregnant and wasn’t sure what she was going to do a few days ago and was going through a lot. my mom had some plan to surprise her and tell everyone so she would have less of a chance to not keep the baby. i also started screaming at my mom for lying to me and went outside to awkwardly tell everyone to leave. my sister is now demanding i apologize to her even though i didn’t know what was happening and i refused. my other sister said i’m being an asshole and even if i didn’t knew right now she’s emotional and all she can see is that i threw the party and took her out to “deceive” her. aita for refusing to apologize even though i was also lied to?

aita for not apologizing to my sister after my mom threw her a party celebrating her pregnancy but she didn’t want anyone to know?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t8df42/aita_for_not_apologizing_to_my_sister_after_my/

2022-03-07 01:10:09

yta you knew your sister didn't want everyone to know at this point, (she was going to announce it tomorrow) yet you helped tell other people and plan a surprise party for her. completely an ah move. apologize.

vert soft yta... but your mom is a harsh yta. appoligize to your sister for going along with your moms (not very sweet even in the way she brought it to you) plan, offer her your shoulder and tell your mom she can shove it.

yta. you should apologize. you were not as responsible as your mother, due to not knowing the whole situation, but you played a part in it. if you thought your sister was planning to announce her pregnancy, why did you think it was okay to take that moment from her and tell everyone before she could? your mom is the biggest asshole, however. i hope your sister can remove herself from the family.

soft yta. why can’t you apologise for your part even though you were deceived by your mother? explain you didn’t set out to hurt her and you are so sorry your mother did this to her. then offer to be there for her whatever her decision.

yta. just apologize for your part in the messed up situation. you didn’t realize what was happening. however, you knew your sister tells you everything and she clearly hadn’t told you she was dating someone or pregnant. it should always be up to the pregnant woman to share with whoever she wants whenever she wants. surprise baby showers should be planned after she shares the news. no reason to do it so soon. baby showers usually happen in the last trimester anyway.

yeah yta as well (though your mom 10x worse) even if she was super happy and secure about it it is quite rude to make the announcement for her instead of letting her do it her way like you both planned

yta. just because you didn’t intentionally do it to hurt her doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apologise. people apologise for accidents and mistakes all the time. you’re just making the situation worse. you are also entitled to an apology from your mother tho for dragging you into this mess.

yta she hadn't told you and you said she tells you everything. so she obviously didn't want anyone to know yet for whatever reason (obv given at the 'party') you allowed your mom to tell everyone. that's not her place to decide and you should have told your mom this. even if your sister was 100% sure that she wanted this baby it should have been her decision to tell anyone. ah move to plan the party and help your mom to sort it. regardless of if you were lied to or not.

yta for refusing to apologize. you always apologize when you hurt someone regardless of whether you did it on purpose or not. this is basic curtesy.

yta. you were deceived, the only thing you can apologize for is not talking to her before. your mom, however, is a major ah. take note for future reference.

BENIGN

i have a non-substance addiction. i’m addicted to drawing. i recognize it for what it is. i’m aware it’s interfering with everyday life, work, and family time. it is a coping mechanism i developed as a child and it’s only worsened into adulthood. it’s my escape from reality, not that my current life is bad. it just blocks out triggers, which only causes me depression, irritability, and fatigue. at first, this didn’t bother my wife much. probably because i wasn’t as consumed with it like i am now. my drawings are often extremely detailed and elaborate. some single drawings i’ll put over 80 hours in. for the last few months, every time i’m at home and in my workspace drawing, my wife makes me lose focus by nagging me to stop. so i started doing it at work to be left alone. our 5 year old daughter doodled over one my work in progress drawings, i accidentally flipped my lid on her. my wife in return destroyed nearly all my completed drawings. my wife sat me down and told me i’m going to get professional help whether i like it or not. i actually agreed to go this time cause emotionally hurting our child in the moment of things surprised myself and i felt horrible. i missed the first appointment, i had an absolute reasonable excuse. i had to stay over at work. because i missed my appointment, my wife decided to take matters into her own hands. she threw out my entire collection of colored pencils. these weren’t just walmart child quality pencils. they were professional grade, i had over $400 invested in them. she also tossed all my heavyweight drawing paper. probably another $200+ in the trash. i told my wife due to her actions, i won’t be going to therapy now. especially one she’s secured and spoke to prior to me even going. i’ve suggested couples therapy, she blew up at me saying she’s not the one that needs help. she says i’m being extremely childish with my childish addiction and i need to get my mind out of my ‘f*cked up’ childhood. am i the ah for not going to therapy unless she goes too? just a little

aita for refusing therapy solely based on my wife’s actions?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u8szw2/aita_for_refusing_therapy_solely_based_on_my/

2022-04-21 17:34:12

your wife has been putting up with you neglecting your household duties, your romantic and emotional duties to her, and your fatherly duties to your child for how many years? and that’s all ok because you can justify it to yourself? but the minute you push her to the edge and she finally snaps, you punish her by refusing to get help, thereby condemning both her and your child to a lifetime of enduring more of your emotional abuse and your absence? but you’re not sure if you’re ta? put another way, you’ve abused them, doesn’t matter that the abuse is unintentional because it’s still what’s happening here, but you’re mad your wife is finally reacting to being abused all these years, and you’re punishing her for it, and you’re asking if you’re ta? yes. yta

yta. you acknowledge that you have a problem. you acknowledge that it is getting worse. you acknowledge that you have harmed your kid because of your problem (not abuse yet, but creeping there.) that's a great start to the healing process. why you are: you equate your wife's moment of anger over a conveniently placed overtime moment (without knowing your work, i can't say beyond that, but somehow i doubt it would have been world ending of you went to the doctor instead of overtime) is the same as your acknowledged increasing and borderline abusive and potentially child-harming addiction and reactions? no, it's not. go get help, and *then* approach couples counseling. you both have problems. your problems are yours, her problem is you.

yta you have a wife and child (that you verbally abused). now you refuse to do the right thing because your wife is trying to make you do the right thing. you are just asking for a divorce.

yta you have an addiction. you acknowledge you have an addiction. yes, you may have had a legitimate excuse for missing the first session, but that doesn't change the fact that you have a problem. it doesn't matter if it's drinking, drugs, sex or drawing. you have an addiction that is interfering with your life and your family's happiness and well being. i think you're trying to downplay your addiction because it doesn't seem as harmful on the surface as drinking or drugs. answer this: are you willing to lose your wife and daughter over her not going to therapy with you? because that's what will happen if you don't do something.

yta. colored pencils will be the least of your worries when your wife demands a divorce. your wife tried multiple times to help you and you refused to take it even for the sake of your relationship with your child . you’re a giant ah op.

she effectively poured your liquor out/flushed the drugs you abuse down the toilet. you yelled at you kid for being a kid. you are an addict. stamping your feet and throwing a tantrum about therapy is not productive. yta

yta. you’re ignoring your family to draw. you’re ignoring your responsibilities at home, to draw. you yelled at your kid for being a kid. you ignore your wife to draw. you spend your lunch and breaks drawing (having a “stash” at work is not helping your addiction and it’s shady af). you didn’t go to therapy and now you won’t go to therapy because your wife was understandably at the end of her rope. because you’ve been neglecting your family for years. i honestly would have trashed your stuff too, because like so many have said, it’s no different than pouring the alcohol down the drain or flushing a drug down the toilet.

esh. you didn't *accidentally* flip your lid on your 5 year old and you are absolutely in need of counseling to control yourself so you're not harming your children. don't use passive, absolving language to diminish your mistreatment of your small child. you also are the asshole for blaming your unwillingness to seek help on your wife. you want an excuse to avoid addressing your issues. you all may need many forms of help, as individuals, as a couple or as a family, but you had the access and someone else made your arrangements to get you the help you need. you aren't trying, you're excusing. classic addict behavior. your wife has gone too far and is enabling you too much. she needs to get help to ensure she cuts that out.

yta. she’s a saint for not throwing that shit away years ago. you are neglecting your family, making endless excuses and making no effort to change. you are emotionally abusing your child over it and i can’t imagine you’re any better with your wife. enjoy your divorce and complete lack of custody. i’m sure you’ll have plenty of time to draw after that.

yta - i understand non-substance addictions very well, and knowing that something you have at home is causing you to check out and numb every day life, getting rid of it asap is one of the best ways to move forward. now you missing your appointment, whether it was a reasonable excuse or not is never a good thing. her reaction may seem harsh, but in all honesty if you have been told about how your habit has been affecting your family, and you admit the damage that it caused your daughter, going to appointments is top of your priority list. if you knew you were going to miss it through no fault of your own, then you call the place and reschedule. if you missed it due to work.. sorry, but work should understand when you tell them you have a dr's appointment (whether it is an actual doctor or not). they cannot stop you from going. if they do, then you have a shitty manager. addicts find blame in everything and everyone else before finally looking at themselves and seeing the cause of the harm. please do not use your family, especially your wife, as a reason for not going to get help. you stated that you have a problem. you need to work on you to get yourself to be the best that you can be. the art materials that was thrown away is nothing compared to a health life with your wife and child(ren). they are priceless. and so are you. go talk to the therapist... one that specializes in addictions, and keep moving forward one step at a time, one day at a time. good luck op.

BENIGN

i married my wife 1 year ago and we've been together for 3. my wife has a child (she's 12) and she is my step daughter. the real dad hasn't been present since she was 9, he is in? prision and was/maybe still is a active drug user. he was locked up for drugs, we have no idea where he is now or if he is out or kept going into prision, my wife hasn't spoke to him in years. we tried to look him up on different social medias and to no avail we couldn't find him. we have full custody of the daughter. my stepdaughter is always, always talking about him. my stepdaughter and her real dad actually had a good relationship according to my wife prior of his wrongdoings. my stepdaughter is constantly asking about him, wanting to talk to him. my wife for whatever reason does not want to tell her daughter where her real dad is. i've tried speaking to my wife on the matter and how sad it is seeing my step kid constantly speak about her dad and ask where he is but my wife does not want to tell her anything, and keep it secret. she won't tell me anymore than that. knowing all these things and keeping it secret from my step kid made me upset, especially hearing my step kid ask about her dad all the time. it was just a sad situation. i sat my stepdaughter down and eventually told her where her real dad is. she was sad about her dad, and yes she was upset to hear the things i told her. i just told her everything about where her dad is/was and why he isnt in her life anymore. my stepdaughter was upset for a while but told me she was appreciative that i've actually told her. my wife found out and was so, so pissed at me. telling me how she wanted to tell her daughter later in life and she did not need to know about those things. i told her that my stepdaughter is always asking where her dad is and it's good for her to know so she isn't confused and upset to not know where her dad is. my wife is still pissed at me and kept telling me that i was not responsible of telling her daughter it and she would've eventually tell her. i feel like i fucked up on this. my stepdaughter isn't mad at me whatsoever, just sad about her dad. my wife on the other hand seems like she hates me now. aita?

aita for telling my stepdaughter why her real dad isn't around anymore?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/opnnih/aita_for_telling_my_stepdaughter_why_her_real_dad/

2021-07-22 21:34:02

yta because it wasn’t your place to tell. *however*, i think it’s better for your stepdaughter now that she knows. before this, she had every reason to believe her dad bailed on her and stayed away by choice. from your description, she now knows that he made bad choices, but leaving his daughter wasn’t one of them.

esh. your step-daughter deserves to know who her biological father is. but you should not have sidestepped her mom to have that discussion with her. also, the use of the term "real dad" is a little strange. biological dad might have been better.

yta. i'm glad the conversation with your stepdaughter went well, but you really shouldn't have had this conversation at all without your wife's approval and involvement.

nta. someone needed to be honest with her. she’s old enough to know the truth. when kids ask questions we need to answer them truthfully no matter how uncomfortable the answers may be for us. your wife is tah for not talking to her a long time ago.

soft yta borderline esh (except step-daughter). your wife is right, you didn't necessarily have the right to sit your step-daughter down to have a convo like that without the mom, that being said as her co-parent i would hope you view her not as your step-daughter but purely as just your daughter... if that is the case and that's how your wife would like your family to function then you as her parent should be able to make a joint decision with wife as to being honest with your daughter about her dad. 12 years olds are a lot more understanding than wife is giving her credit for, and unfortunately constantly making excuses and beating around the bush could lead to resentment on daughters part in the future. i don't think it was necessarily wrong to tell the daughter i think the problem was mom should have been 100% involved in that convo. sounds like mom and daughter and you should go to family counseling because 1 you and wife aren't a united front and step-daughter probably isn't happy that her mom kept this from her for so long.

esh. your wife for keeping her daughter in the dark. you, for overstepping. all in all, i think it's a good thing your stepdaughter knows the truth. she *deserved* to know the truth.

nta. she deserved to know the truth. her mother is dead wrong in not being honest. waiting, i guarantee, would cause an irreparable rift. while you might have done something that your wife feels undermined her authority, she was doing way more harm to her daughter and their relationship by not trusting her to understand what happened with her dad. she's not 4, she's 12. this could have been a good opportunity to teach her that sometimes people we love make bad decisions or have something wrong in their brains that make them do things that are unhealthy or unsafe, but that doesn't mean we can't still love them. hopefully your wife can see that while she had the best intentions, she was in the wrong. she might want to speak to a qualified professional about how she was handling this situation and how to move forward from here. therapy suggested for all.

nta. if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to hear the (age appropriate) answer. your wife wasn't doing her any favours by keeping her in the dark like that - when was she planning to tell her? as far as i'm concerned you did the right thing - you stepped up when your wife refused to.

yta. is crossing huge boundaries the norm for you?

your wife needs help accepting the situation. it is so not okay to just lie about where your kid’s bio-dad is because you don’t want to have a tough conversation with them. your wife was such a mega-asshole to her kid that i can’t really rate you anything but nta. the kid was traumatized over and over again because her mom wanted to sweep her bio-dad under the rug when the poor kid knew he existed and loved him. i don’t blame you for finally snapping and putting her mind at ease. thinking you’ve been abandoned fucks kids up. frankly i would consider this to be parental alienation. your wife has no right to deprive her kid of knowing the extenuating circumstances behind her dad’s disappearance. she didn’t have to go into detail about it.

BENIGN

my(51f) daughter (25) says she is trans male, which means i guess she uses he/him pronouns in public and uses a different name, but doesn't say anything when i or her father call her by her birth name. anyway, recently she got top surgery which is when she gets her breasts removed, and her boyfriend (27) has been taking care of her. it's been about 2 months since the last time i saw her in person because of covid, and also because last time we got in a huge argument because i told her she should have talked to her father and i about serious cosmetic surgery like that. we try to talk on the phone and text at least once a week, but lately she's been pretty quiet about her life and won't tell us anything that's going on. my husband and i were over to drop off some food as her boyfriend is taking care of her basically around the clock and neither of them can go anywhere right now. when we got there, we saw our daughter laying on the couch without a shirt and we immediately covered our eyes and i started scolding her about not wearing a shirt when her father and i come over, while she yelled back that she "paid a shit ton of money to not have to wear a shirt" (her exact words). we just dropped the groceries by the front door and walked out, and then texted my daughter about how disrespectful that was and how she should always be wearing a shirt even if she got some stupid surgery. my husband said we should let it go, but if she's not going to wear a shirt when her parents come over, then she might embarrass herself by not wearing a shirt in public and showing off those ugly scars she now has from her cosmetic top surgery. tldr:; daughter got top surgery, wouldn't put on a shirt after we came over to drop off groceries

aita for asking my daughter to put on a shirt when i come over?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i9upnb/aita_for_asking_my_daughter_to_put_on_a_shirt/

2020-08-14 21:27:18

yta - i’m guessing why he didn’t tell you about the surgery is because you and your husband aren’t truly supportive considering you don’t even try to make an attempt to use he/him pronouns and still call him his birth name. that alone makes you the asshole in this situation.

yta. stop deadnaming and misgendering your son and start respecting who he is. no 25 year old needs permission from their parents to make choices about their own body. if you keep going this way you’re not going to have a relationship with him at all.

yta. you owe an apology to your son if you aren’t a troll, which i suspect you are. there’s no way you’re this tone deaf.

yta. first of all. your son is not your “daughter” anymore. use his correct pronouns. second of all, the amount of disrespect you showed your son by asking him to put a shirt on... in his own home.... while he’s recovering from surgery.... is astounding. as someone who is currently recovering from major abdominal surgery, let me tell you, it really hurts to wear clothing over a fresh incision. he doesn’t owe you anything. if you’re squicked out by seeing your son without a shirt, don’t come over anymore. i wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t welcome anymore anyway.

yta to your *son* and you need to stop deadnaming *him* i guarantee that's a big part of why you're losing your relationship with him. you've clearly made no effort to understand or respect his transition, and he's decided not to spend the energy fighting you on it. you both need to be better people and better parents. also your son is 25 so he doesn't need your blessing for, well, anything. and you should maybe take a look at your behaviour if you want to know why he didn't mention it. and to the actual question at hand, no your son does not need to put a shirt on when you visit him in his house.

yta. i hope your son is recovering well from his surgery and not letting your toxic bs get him down.

so your son wants to not wear shirt and show off his male chest? wow yta big time if you are not a troll. get a life and stop misgendering your son

please let this be a troll. otherwise, yta. he/him. he got surgery. he doesn’t need to wear a shirt, or any other article of clothing that makes him uncomfortable, in his own home.

yta for misgendering your son for your entire post and calling his surgery stupid. your son is a grown adult who is entitled to not wear a shirt in his own home if he doesn’t want to. not to mention, he might still be sore from surgery which might be worse with a shirt on. it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to tell you about his life since you so obviously don’t respect him.

yta overall. you state the preference for he/him pronouns and proceed to refer to your ‘daughter’ and ‘she’ and so forth. of course he’s pissed. you’re not accepting him. if you want a relationship with your son - cuz like it or not, that’s who you’ve got - you should get your head on straight and start accepting him for who he is. because you’re going to get cut out of his life with your attitude.

TOXIC

my wife and i have been married for 10 years. we met in college, and she has been my best friend for almost 14 years now. she is beautiful, supportive, kind, classy, and all around amazing as a wife. we went through a really rough patch about a year ago, mostly due to issues on my end. however, she told me she was pregnant. i was overjoyed. she told me she would only keep it if i was 100% in on the baby and the marriage, i said i was fully committed, and we kept the baby. as time went on, i became increasingly insecure about whether or not the baby was mine. i did the math and thought it was unlikely it was mine, on top of having a gut feeling. i was internally agonizing over this for months, and after the baby was born, i could barely even hold him because i was so convinced he wasn't mine. i told my wife i wanted a paternity test. she was upset but told me to get one if it would ease my mind. the test comes back two weeks later and it says i am not the father. i'm absolutely livid. i had an out of body experience. i stormed into our house and just let loose. i felt like i couldn't stop myself, i was completely broken in that moment. i cried and screamed and asked her what i did to deserve this. i absolutely never laid a hand on her. the whole time, she's just sitting on the couch, trying to comfort the baby. this made me even angrier for some reason, so i kicked her out right then and there. told her to pack her bags and just get out. she calls me the next day and tells me that i deserve to know that the baby is mine, and asks me to get a paternity test from another company. i figure i have nothing to lose at this point, and another paternity test can only help me in a divorce, so we get one at the company she suggested, and i sent a third to another company, just to be sure. i get the results from one and they say i am the baby's father. i wait a few days and don't say anything, then get the second set of results, also confirming i'm the father. i feel like the weight of the world has just been lifted off my shoulders and i can finally be the dad i want to be. i call my wife to give her the good news and she tells me she's not moving back in. she says she's disgusted with how i acted by asking for a paternity test and my reaction to the false one. she tells me i can come see my son, but she will be filing for divorce. i don't think my reaction was over the top for a man who thought he was being lied to about one of the most important things. i never showed any sort of violence and i was so emotionally broken at that point. i know how it must have looked to her, knowing that i was the father, but i don't think she's seeing it from my perspective. i'm planning on discussing it with her later and trying to convince her to work on it with me when i go see my son. aita for reacting in this way to what i thought was an enormous deception?

aita for getting upset over a false paternity test

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/atlouy/aita_for_getting_upset_over_a_false_paternity_test/

2019-02-22 19:26:08

yta you kicked your wife and baby out of your shared house. you do not get to just go back to how things were.

my god, yta let's go over this, shall we? you assume your pregnant wife has cheated on you. you request a paternity test. why the fuck would she comply, to "ease your mind" if she knew you weren't the father? if i had cheated on my husband (which i would not, but hypotheticals here), and he asked for a paternity test, and there was *any chance* he wasn't the father of my child, i would not stick around for the results, assuming i even agreed to one in the first place. then you get the results, and i get it, it feels like your world is shattering. but that doesn't make what you did any less of an asshole move. you could have: called somebody, walked away until you calmed down, done literally anything else besides having a tantrum and kicking your wife out (and no, despite what you said in the comments, she was kicked out. if somebody came screaming and furious and demanded you leave the your shared house with your fragile baby, would you risk saying no?) and now that you realize you've made a colossal fuck-up, it's her fault for not instantly forgiving you? for not seeing it from your perspective? what about her perspective? her husband of ten years, the *father of her child* accuses her of carrying somebody else's child. she knows it's not true, so when he asks for a paternity test, it's upsetting, but she agrees, after all, she has nothing to hide. then the test comes back, and there's an error, but instead of having a calm, rational, adult discussion, with her husband of ten years, he goes completely off the handle, in front of the baby, too! unable to get a word in, she focuses on calming the terrified child, which only upsets him more. then he kicks her out. when he finally learns that he was the father all along, he wants everything to go back to how it was. how? this mistrust didn't start with a faulty test, the test was order because of the mistrust. and who's to say he won't do this again if she talks too long with a male neighbor, or stays out a little late at work? you have beyond fucked things over, and you better pray she doesn't use this against you in court.

yta. i'm guessing she got about zero support from you during the pregnancy because of your suspicions. then after the baby is born you didn't even want to hold them? i'd be having second thoughts right there about you. and then the fit you had... yeah no. you sound like you have anger issues and she was probably scared for her baby. then, you kicked her out with a newborn. by the way, illegal eviction. you done messed up. i'm glad she is getting a divorce and i don't even know her.

yta. > i cried and screamed > i was never violent you don’t have to be physically touching someone to enact violence. there’s violence in words, violence in actions. actions like kicking out a mother and her newborn. she now can’t trust you. what happens if you get upset again? is she going to be kicked out again? will she get a chance to defend herself from you “verifiable proof” before you tell her to get out?? i wouldn’t want to live with you either. yelling and asking what you did to deserve this? deserve what?? a woman who thought she had your child (who was *right* about that, by the way) not actually bearing your kid? one who wanted to raise a child with you — blood or not (and is blood) — and be all in with you??? you didn’t deserve her if that’s how you treat her. she has a right to deal with this her own way. you have a right to deal with it as well — but you **do not** have the right to make her deal with it the way you want to. and to think she’s overreacting just makes you a bigger, uglier asshole.

yta, and also not hitting your wife is basically the floor of decency. dont act like youre such a great husband because youve never hit your wife, jesus christ.

nta specifically for believing in that paternity test. yta for everything else. for kicking her (and i assume your baby) out and then expecting her to forgive you and move back in after you a) essentially accused her of cheating on you and then b) acted like everything was okay after you accused her + kicked her out and found you were wrong. your anger was justifiable but there is no way you can think that she’s gonna come back like nothing is wrong. you fucked up, even if it was someone else’s fault in the first place.

> we went through a really rough patch about a year ago, mostly due to issues on my end. this is the first warning sign to me. it’s been a year since a rough patch you admit was due to you. and then... a year later, after the hardest period of your wife’s life, delivering your child, who you admit you were distant with after he was born (and probably long before, during her pregnancy, which is a hell of a difficult time), you have an explosive blowup in response to a paternity test and kick her out. a paternity test that got demanded because, as you said above, you were mostly at fault for the rough patch that called things into question. > she told me she would only keep it if i was 100% in on the baby and the marriage, i said i was fully committed, and we kept the baby. bud... she tried to clear this with you ahead of time. you promised... and then after the child was born you turned cold and distant and, i’m inferring, saddled her with all of the work. i’m trying to be looking at this through her perspective and what i see is that you are no longer the man she married in college. you are a distant father. you abandoned her at one of the most vulnerable times of her life, probably scaring the hell out of her, and a year prior to that you guys were in serious trouble. staying with you after this rough patch was your second chance. now you’ve fucked up again and you’re asking for a third? there’s no salvaging this. you deserve to be divorced. yta.

yta. how can your (soon to be ex i hope) wife trust you or feel safe with you after you flew off the handle and made her homeless in response to a false test? you were entitled to your feelings, but your reaction was out of line. you could have confronted her without putting her on the street then and there. she and the kid are better off without you; you don't sound like a person who should be trusted with children.

yta, first, for clearly having trust issues when you probably didn’t have to. just because you had a rough patch doesn’t mean you need to *assume* she’s cheating. why was that a thing in the first place? that’s where all of this started. yta for kicking out your wife and your child because you had a temper tantrum. there is such a thing as self control which you can exhibit while under pressure, you just didn’t. i read your other comments. what if her mom wasn’t able to take her in? then what? she would’ve had nowhere to go with her kid. yta for clearly not getting any of these points through your head. you’re so desperate to be told you’re nta that you’re arguing with almost everyone on here about the same thing. newsflash, yta. figure yourself out, dude. you just lost what seems to be a good marriage because you’re insecure and immature.

yta. do you know how terrified she was when you have a mental breakdown? clutching her baby hoping you wouldn’t hurt her? just bc you didn’t hit her doesn’t mean it wasn’t a horrible, terrifying experience. and it’s a major red flag that you’d be emotionally abusive. good for her, she’s a smart strong woman. you threw her out. now that you decided she’s telling the truth after 3!!!! paternity tests, she’s allowed to come back. really, you thought she’d just put up with this behavior. also how dumb are you “ the math doesn’t add up”? you’re married she didn’t cheat, and you subtract 9 from his birthday.

BENIGN

this weekend my mom and my aunt drove (a 9 hour drive) for a “surprise” visit. the problem was that i had told my mom not to visit. i was angry at my mom because i had been asking her to visit my new house all year and her only grandkids whom she hadn't seen in over a year. her response was maybe next summer which is infuriating because my mom has flown from my sister’s house to watch her dog. (from florida to dc) i have told her how hurtful that is and that's why i don't want to talk to her. she also spends a lot of time with her. she spent three weeks with her at her home in the caribbean. this weekend she showed up at my house with my sisters dog. she obviously flew up to watch my sisters dog and then drove up to visit me for 2.5 days. i was livid. she could not grasp why i was so angry. when i tried to explain why i was so angry she responded with she can't remember ever flying to my sister's house to watch my sister’s dog so i asked my husband if he remembered and of course he did and then she admitted it. my mother is constantly lying. she never takes responsibility for anything she does and completely ignores my feelings. i told her she needs to leave in the morning. my aunt tried to convince me that i'm overreacting but i really have had enough of her. my sister has rich boyfriend and that seems to be the most important thing to her. after privately telling her to leave several times in which she ignored i blew up. i started screaming i hate her and wish i hadn't been born. i completely lost my mind and she finally left. aita for losing my mind and throwing her out? i do want to add context. we have a history of family abuse. when i revealed i was sexually abused at 5 her response was well you always wanted to play outside. she took no responsibility.

aita for throwing my mom out?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qml4pp/aita_for_throwing_my_mom_out/

2021-11-04 13:55:49

personally don't think you are the asshole here. your mother seems to have issues. favoritism being one of them. lying another. how she reacted to abuse of her child.. yeah she's not ok. if this was my mother... i would have called no contact a long time ago. edit per request: nta

nta. unfortunately, personality types like your mother do not respond to subtle hints and ignore the calm directives that might otherwise have been useful. granted, she will use this to label you as overly dramatic (among other things) but this is often the only effective method for dealing with those whose are master manipulators, if not outright npd or psychopaths.

nta for throwing unwanted guests out, ta for not doing it with more style

nta. i say this because you asked her multiple times to leave and she refused or ignored you. you had to go nuclear. once you reach the screaming level does it really matter what you say?

so your mother tried to say she doesn't watch your sister's dog, while she had the dog with her. definitely nta.

nta but you don't have to have a relationship with your family just because they're family. sounds like you might be better off going low contact.

dunno how people get onto esh. nta she had many chances to visit you but did only once you told her not to bother anymore. im sorry op but you should go no contact and go to therapy. stop clinging to your birth giver. she never supported you and only did what fits in her mind.

nta. if i had gone through what you did, i would have gone nc with her a long time ago. i went nc with my mother due to her ruining me financially. at 40, i was finally able to buy my first new car because it took me that long to fix my credit after every thing she did. before i cut contact i let her know if she did anything like what she did again, i would contact the authorities to go after her for fraud. (she would get utilities and things in my name and then never pay for them). it hurts like hell but at the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you. if she can't remember what was going on when you were a child, then she doesn't need to remember you know. thankfully, you have your husband who seems to have your back on things. you tried for years to fix things, now it may be time to let it go and just move on with your life without her being involved.

nta just because you wanted her to visit doesn't give her carte blanche to show up whenever and however she wants, with someone else's dog in tow, expecting to stay in your house. i'm surprised you didn't tell them to go get a hotel when they showed up at your door. yes, blowing up and saying hurtful things was not the best, but you asked them to leave multiple times. i'm gonna make an assumption here and guess something happened or someone said something to precipitate the blow up, even if it appears to be lost in the weeds. good luck going nc

nta though i was kind of leaning towards yta for blowing up. then i read the last line. she blamed the victim because she wanted to play outside. she disregarded your physical, emotional, mental trauma at five years old. oh heavens! what a cruel, evil, witch! go no contact. never invite her back. go to counseling because it sounds like she never took you to one.

TOXIC

a bit of context: i'm filipino-american. my parents are both from the philippines, moved here about 30 years ago, very intelligent and understand american culture. we are very much culturally filipino. as any asian culture, there is a lot of emphasis on respect. in our family and extended family, it's almost imperative to greet each other warmly as well as well as saying goodbye to each other when leaving. her mother had her very young (at 20) and my mother had me much later (in her mid 30s) so as you can tell, the family dynamics are very different. i am very close with her family. my girlfriend and i have been dating for about 4 years now. she is american, born and raised. i was raised to always greet everyone in the household and properly say goodbye and "thank you for having me/having me over." this is normal for my family. honestly, for me it's a fucking no brainer. when we first started dating, she was having trouble grasping this, especially when it came to saying the goodbyes. often she would just walk out and leave without acknowledging my parents. my parents pulled me aside and told me this. i thought ok that sucks but we can talk it out and i can make her understand. i know we are all raised differently and have different customs, so i pulled my gf aside and explained this to her. she was receptive and she began to greet them and say goodbye properly. initially she was a bit cold/shut off to my parents but they gradually warmed up to her. not that they didn't get along but she just had her walls up for some reason. i think she was probably intimidated. but almost 4 years later and they get a lot quite well now. last week, i noticed her grandfather was really in the need for a tv upgrade. it just so happens my parents have a old 40" plasma sitting around so i asked if we could give it to him. they said sure. my gf and i went to pick it up from my parents, then dropped it off at her grandfather's. he was super happy and appreciative. not long after that, my sister texts me and says that when we were there at the house picking up the tv, my gf didn't say goodbye to my father or thanks when she left. this pissed me off. first of all, it's super embarrassing and we've had this issue before, she knows better. we talked tonight and i chastised her. how on earth could you go into someone's home, take something and not even say thank you? i told her i was tired of hearing it and being embarrassed. she retorted with, "well i'm tired of being nitpicked at. it's always going to be something." she got defensive and pissed off. apparently she said thank you to him, just not when we left. the talk did not end well. i just can't get it through to her head that this a big deal in my family. i wouldn't even dream of treating her parents the same way. aita for calling her out?

aita for chastising my girlfriend for her lack of understanding of respect?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bo0a9b/aita_for_chastising_my_girlfriend_for_her_lack_of/

2019-05-13 07:15:15

yta. you’re so obsessed with “respect” for your parents, that you’re showing absolutely none for your girlfriend. she said thankyou to your dad, you admit that. but perhaps your parents are annoyed she didn’t fawn all over them enough? at the end of the day, you’re american, she’s american and your parents have lived in america for decades. therefore, those are the cultural values that prevail. if you don’t like it, go date someone that’s also filipino. your girlfriend has apparently never actually been rude or offensive to your parents and has acceded your demands to acknowledge them more when you asked. she’s right that you are nitpicking and it’s never enough for you. plus, you said you went with her to pick the tv up. so how are you in any doubt as to whether she said thankyou and goodbye to your dad or not?! instead of listening to her, you’re letting your passive aggressive parents and sister create shit in your relationship with her. for someone that brags about how intelligent his parents are, neither you nor they seem very smart at all.

yta. accidents happen and she's clearly trying. you're all being extremely nitpicky. she seems to have forgot to say goodbye once? get mad at her. yes your family has different traditions and values which she should respect, but you should also respect the fact that she wasn't raised like that and she will forget it sometimes. it's incredibly petty of your sister to have to text you that she didn't say bye. imagine being watched like a hawk just in case you don't say bye to someone.

yta yta yta she comes from a completely different culture than you. holy crap dude how can you expect her to follow your customs when you don’t respect hers. it’s very obvious that you look down on her and her family. get off your high horse. first of all you are not her parent so yelling at her for manners is not your place. second she said thank you. just because it wasn’t at a time that you would have is ridiculous to get mad at her. grow up op and learn to respect your gf.

yta. you've spent more time explaining your family rules and how cool you are for it and how rude she is. you even spent more time writing the grandparent feelings expression than hers... and apparently you weren't with her when the tv was picked up. you sound exhausting, selfish and this is terribly biased.

i am gonna have to go with yta because of the line"she knows better" and that fact that you say you chastised her. she isn't a child. she is a grown person just because she has different traditions than you does not mean you can just scold her like a child.

yta “for her lack of understanding of respect” “she knows better” are you gonna ground her and take away her iphone as well? you and your family seem to be imposing and punishing someone else for not adhering to your own family’s/culture’s rules and customs. worse than being an asshole, you and your family seem extremely judgmental and controlling.

yta so is your family for demanding this ass kissing from her. maybe it's ok with you but she doesn't feel the need to follow this. you demanding and reprimanding her is out of line. your sister sucks for tattling which is rude. how about fixing that. your family sounds controlling. no wonder your gf has her defenses up. what else do they complain about she is doing "wrong".

yta- she said thank you, but not in the exact way that your father wanted? it's also possible she didn't think your parents were doing her that huge a favor. they had a tv that was taking up space, she found someone to take it. when i got a new tv i was grateful that someone was willing to take my old one off my hands. new tv are so cheap now that even tvs that are couple years old are hard to sell. you think your girlfriend is not being respectful to your parents, but your dad was disrespectful to shit talk your girlfriend to you over something so petty.

yta. if you've been dating her for 4 years, shouldn't she know this by now? i've been raised in a latino household and have been taught these values by my mother, but if i've been dating a girl for 4 years, i would have gotten used to who she is and know she won't change. 4 years is a long time, my man. your parents aren't the referee in your relationship, you are, your parents' values shouldn't mean you have to bash her verbally (and hopefully not physically).

yta, you sound like it's your way or no way. seriously is there anything she does right? can't say hello or goodbye as you direct her to or as you said, the right way is the way you were raised. is she stupid? seems that you think so. how about respecting and understanding her culture? must be just a one way street with you.

BENIGN

this happened last week. daughter is 14. she came home escorted by a local cop who said she was caught shoplifting expensive chocolates from a fancy grocery store a few blocks over. he said the owner had seen her lift a few small things over the past two years, like makeup or candy and things, and this time he finally caught her in the act. thankfully owners not pressing charges but banned her and us from his store, which is whatever since i never shop there anyways. so my husband and i give her a reprimand. she cries and apologizes and i’m like good. you’ve learned your lesson. this is over. well my husband refuses to let this go. he’s convinced there’s something wrong with her and she needs therapy. i think he’s overreacting. i shoplifted when i was a dumb teenager too although no one ever caught me. in fact everyone i grew up with stole something at one point or another. it’s part of being a teenager. it doesn’t mean you’re going to live a life of crime. it’s. just. being. a. teenager. however my husband grew up incredibly sheltered and privileged and i’m sure in his circles no one ever nabbed a 50c lip balm from a corner store. i tell him it’s enough that we’ve grounded her, but he freaks out and thinks we need to find professional help for her “stealing habit.” i finally put my foot down and said no, she’s being a normal kid and as long as she doesn’t do it again and get herself in even more trouble she’ll be fine. aita? i feel a bit bad shutting my husband down like that but i felt like enough was enough at that point.

aita for not wanting to send our daughter to therapy for shoplifting? (husband disagrees)

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/c2w0fd/aita_for_not_wanting_to_send_our_daughter_to/

2019-06-20 13:26:44

yta. could therapy hurt? maybe you believe stealing is "normal", but it's really not. acting out periodically as a teenager is, but just in case there's something more going on, what's the harm in therapy and giving your daughter someone else to talk through the feelings that's causing her to act out? obviously this has been going on for 2 years. try therapy in case this behavior turns into something worse. and imo you should not dismiss your husband's perspective out of hand. what if next time, the owner presses charges? do what you can to prevent a worse situation.

yta. she’s been doing this since she was 12 and is only now crying because she got caught. that’s worse behavior than what a simple grounding would correct. therapy might help her get the idea that what she’s doing is wrong, and who knows, the therapist might catch something else about her behavior that needs addressing now while she’s still young and doesn’t have a criminal record.

yta she needs to work through why she did that. also, fyi, shoplifting is not part of being a teenager. plenty of people manage to get through puberty without being thieves.

yta. i don't think "it's. just. being. a. teenager." but then again i wasn't an adolescent thief like you. personally, i also think that therapy is always a positive, even if this is not a serious issue there is always the possibility there is something else going on in her life that a therapist can help with. tbh, you come off pretty terrible in this post.

yta. you have some really weird ideas about what therapy is, like it’s some horrible thing you only need if something is really wrong with you. your kid has been acting out in this way for several years— could it hurt for her to talk to someone about why she’s been doing it? teenagers get up to lots of things for lots of reasons, and therapy is often beneficial when they get up to things that aren’t healthy. and most teenagers do not have a shoplifting habit.

yta for running your husbands life and thinking "putting your foot down" is they way to settle child rearing disagreements.

yta your daughter is crying because she got caught not because she's remorseful for what she's done (this time and in the past). i also think you are ta because you are trying to normalize shoplifting behavior and you seem to take a lot of pride in your (and your friends') similar past behavior. i didn't shoplift as a teenager. my friends didn't shoplift either.

yta she's been doing this for at least two years and probably at more than this location. sounds like more than just teenage high jinks. she very well may have a problem. taking her to a therapist is a great idea. fyi...not everyone stole as a teen. maybe you need to reevaluate your normal meter.

yta i understand where you're coming from but you're also normalizing deviant behavior. yeah you never got caught but your daughter did and you're lucky they aren't pressing charges. would your tune be different if they were? nothing wrong with therapy. if anything it can help give your daughter a free space to express teenage anxiety in a healthy way

yta, that’s a two year pattern and you are saying it’s not a big deal, even normalizing it. at least you are punishing you child so you do see an issue but the severity is questionable. however your patronizing and dismissive attitude toward your husbands therapy suggestion makes you an asshole. ~~nah, you both have the best interest in your daughter but different methods on approaching the situation. this appears a one and done issue however professional help is also a good option. maybe compromise and go the professional route if your daughter reoffends again.~~

BENIGN

i decided to dye may hair platinum blonde. i'm of korean decent and my hair is long and is both extremely dark and extremely thick. for those who don't know it is difficult and takes time and effort especially to get any hair blonde buy especially asian hair. it took two salon appointments that were 6+ hours each and each one cost about $400. after the initial appointments i now have to go in every two weeks to get my roots and the color touched up and those appointments are $150. plus i spent a couple of hundred on a few hair products every month. i have had platinum hair for over three months and i love it. it is a lot of work but i don't care because of how much i like being blonde. my fiance spent mid-march to mid-june out away doing fieldwork (we are both grad students, though in different areas). i had been thinking about making the change for a while but i did it a couple of weeks after she left. when we did video calls she said she liked it. she didn't voice any objection until she returned from her fieldwork and saw the bank/spending records. she is upset at how much my hair costs. i know it is a lot but we don't usually consult each other on every purchase the other makes. i've been a lot more frugal with our grocery budget and i put the rest on my credit card. i think she is overreacting about the price. she thinks i am wrong for spending so much when we are on a student budget. even though she said she liked it when we skyped while she was away i suspect she doesn't like it now. not only does she complain about the costs, but also about the products and the maintenance i do at home and that i can only wash it once a week now. was i really wrong for not telling her how much it costs? i've never asked her for permission to spend money before and i don't think i should have to start now.

aita for not telling my fiance how much i spend to get my hair done?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ojkwup/aita_for_not_telling_my_fiance_how_much_i_spend/

2021-07-13 17:51:19

yta - you share finances and are on a student budget. there's "not consulting eachother a out purchases" and then there's an $800 dollar dye job that takes upwards of $400 a month to maintain. 4800+ a year out of your own money is one thing. taking that out of shared money and being frugal with shared groceries and putting it on your credit card is hugely irresponsible and selfish

yta if you're sharing finances then yeah, yta. you spent $800 upfront, $300/mth maintenance and how much on the stuff you have at home? that's outrageous! you're spending the equivalent of a car payment on hair. hair! and it doesn't matter that she liked it on skype, i'm sure it looks lovely, but for that price, your natural black is lovelier.

yta - editing to say you pulled *a thousand dollars* out of your *joint* grocery and savings for hair. i would be livid. and word of advice. are you paying off those credit cards? cause billing $300+ on hair products when it’s a want vs need is the easiest way to put yourself in massive debt.

yta. i've read practically all your comments. basically you put both of y'all on a budget because your hair was eating into your finances because you're both on a "student budget". she has every right to be upset. you're both already on a budget and now you're putting yourself on an extra budget for your hair. absolutely nothing you are currently doing to your hair benefits her or is a necessity to her. i'm not gonna tell you to not dye your hair but it is extremely selfish for you to decide that you'll put both of you two on a steeper budget because you want to keep your hair the color it is.

if y'all are on a student budget, then yes, yta for not talking about such large and frequent purchases with your fiance first regardless of whether they like how it looks or not. communication is key.

yta. y’all are getting married. you’re going to forever fight about your finances if you don’t get on the same page. sit down and make a budget and decide how much discretionary spending you are each comfortable with.

do you guys share finances?

yta. you cheaped out on actual food and used her money to dye your hair. also, chill on the touch ups! your hair doesn't need to be touched up every two weeks. get a root shadow and some lowlights and be done with it. even if you wanted it platinum platinum, you'd only need a touch up every month or so. you stole money from her by taking it out of your joint. also, saying you put the rest on a credit card doesnt make it better. that's future debt, that if you guys get married, she will have to assume/it will be visible on any joint purchase (house, car). my husband and i haven't joined finances yet, but our plan is 70/30. 70% will go into a joint account for things like shared vacations, rent, netflix, savings. 30% of our income will go into separate accounts for our individual fun stuff. this is imo the best strategy, and if you're going to be so careless about money in the future, i'd suggest you employ it to ensure you aren't throwing her money away on something so superficial.

yta: if i'm assuming correctly from your post that you live together and have shared finances, then you should've consulted with her about such a large reoccurring charge.

if she saw how much it was because of the bank records, that implies you two share a bank account/finances. you have limited income and spent nearly 2k on your hair! ($800 for the initial two, $150 every two weeks plus then, plus $100+ in product...). yta for not discussing such a huge purchase ahead of time.

BENIGN

i (22f) have been dating my boyfriend (23m) for just under four years. just the other day he came to my house to hang out with me. my younger brother and my dad are both sick, and so i wanted to make tomato soup for them. i guess it’s relevant to mention that my boyfriend *hates* tomatoes. like, can’t stand them in any way shape or form. he’ll pick them off his burgers, he won’t eat sandwiches with tomatoes in them, etc. so i was making the tomato soup and i asked him to taste test it for me and see if it was missing anything. he winced and asked if anybody else could taste it- he said he’d be a biased source since he really really doesn’t like tomatoes. i told him to get over himself, my family is sick and i need him to pitch in. so he complained and moaned but he tasted the soup before/after i added things, serving as like my kitchen assistant i guess. by the end of it he looked like he wanted to puke, but i still felt like the soup was missing something idk. i asked him what he thought about it and he told me it was great, he just didn’t like it because of his own personal tastes. something about the way he said it kind of made me snap and i told him to get over himself again, that he needs to just be upfront about whether it was good. he shrugged and went “yeah, it’s really good”. i said “okay if it’s so good why don’t you eat a bowl” and he went “[name] i really just don’t like tomatoes, i swear the soup is still good, i just don’t want to eat it”. i was honestly really hurt by him refusing my cooking after he saw me work really hard on it, and i guess it showed on my face because he went “fine, i’ll eat a bowl”. as we ate i asked him if he liked it, he just went “yeah” with no enjoyment or emotion, and then after he ate he said he had to go home and left. since then i haven’t really heard from him, we usually talk on the phone or at least text a lot but he’s been super dry or non responsive. so i kind of feel like i messed up. aita?

aita for snapping after my boyfriend said he didn’t like my cooking?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zy8kmc/aita_for_snapping_after_my_boyfriend_said_he/

2022-12-29 15:51:21

wow, yta. taste your own cooking. don't force people to eat things they don't like and then expect them to act like they do. you were majorly controlling and abusive, i hope he clues in to this behaviour and doesn't return.

yta. you bullied the guy into taste testing, then consuming a bowl full of, something he hates. out of interest, why could you not taste test the soup whilst you were cooking it?

yta, and this shouldn’t even be a question. you’re deranged. i love mushrooms, my husband hates them. he goes out of his way to cook mushrooms on the side that i can put into things when he cooks. he loves bell peppers, i hate them. i go out of my way to cook bell peppers on the side so that he can put them into things when i cook. we both don’t like tomatoes. so we don’t use tomatoes. this is very basic shit that a normal, loving partner would do. why the heck would you go out of your way to make your boyfriend suffer…? you’re a terrible partner.

what part of “ no means no” dont you understand? yta

yta- you know he doesn’t like tomatoes and you emotionally blackmailed him into being your taste tester for no reason than manipulated him into eating a whole bowl of something he doesn’t like and then demanded a heartfelt compliment…. if he posted on here from his perspective, people would tell him to dump you asap.

yta. is this even real?? if you know he hates tomatoes, then why would you force him to taste-test tomato soup??? how would he even be a fair judge of whether it's good or not? your story doesn't make sense and for that... you're ta

yta. you need to see a therapist.

wtf?! of course yta! he doesn't like tomatoes!!! what about that didn't you understand???? i hate tomatoes. like, to the point i would have told you to go f@&k yourself if you'd tried this on me. you're lucky he didn't projectile vomit in your face. why would you force him to eat something he hated? is your ego really that fragile?

yta bullying someone into eating something they don’t want is not cool.

yta have you always been a bully?

BENIGN

my[21m] family has always been very affectionate mainly because that was how our parents raised us. i go to college very near my hometown(not because i necessarily wanted to, i got into a great cs program near my hometown), so my little sister[14f], who entered high school this past year, visits me a lot. whenever i greet her or say goodbye to her, i give her a kiss on the cheek. my sister has told me in the past that it makes her happy when i kiss her on the cheek, so i do it fairly often(although i'm surprised she likes that so much since it isn't like she's lonely or anything; i know that she has a lot of friends at her high school). recently, my girlfriend[21f] of three months saw me saying hello to my sister while kissing her on the cheek, and she remarked it as creepy, and told me that i should stop. when my sister was about to leave to go back to our parents car to go back home, and she asked for a kiss on the cheek, i just said that we were getting too old for that and that we should stop with it, and my sister kind of sadly said "okay, if you want to", and left. honestly the main reason i stopped with the “tradition” was because i kind of think now that it’s weird since it was the first time i ever showed affection to my sister in front of another person. i feel somewhat guilty now since i kind of suddenly stopped with the "tradition", so i think my sister might be wondering if she did anything wrong. aita?

aita for refusing to kiss my sister on the cheek after my girlfriend said it was creepy?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/to3y2r/aita_for_refusing_to_kiss_my_sister_on_the_cheek/

2022-03-25 22:25:41

yta - there is nothing wrong with kissing your sister on the cheek your really going to let your girlfriend of 3 months take away something that makes your sister happy? especially when it’s completely normal to show your family affection in this way

yta. there is no age limit on kissing family on the cheek. i'm in my 30's and kiss all my siblings on the cheek hello and goodbye. your gf is being ridiculous- there's nothing creepy about it. don't cave to her sexualizing something that's completely innocent.

yta for listening to your weird ass gf. do you get how insecure she has to be to be jealous of and sexualize your relationship with your fourteen year old sister? she’s the one being extremely inappropriate and creepy in this situation not you or your sister.

i held my sister down to the floor last week and licked her face because she threw water on me. 28m &24f dude. dump that weirdo and apologize to your sister. you are your sisters keeper before you're anything else. yta.

yta, as is your immature, insecure girlfriend.

yta- you stopped showing brotherly affection to your sister, that you know means a lot to her because your gfs fucked up opinon. and yes your sister absolutely will think she did something to cause the change and feel really badly about herself as a result

yta and so is your girlfriend for sexualizing sibling affection and you let her. its a kiss on the cheek, not dualing tongues.

yta way to let a random, gross comment from your fling affect your relationship with your sister of fourteen years. shows how low your relationship with your sister falls on your list of priorities, i guess. i’m the same age as you. my brother died last year. suddenly, and in the most awful way possible. i live with the regret of not letting him bear hug me more every single day. i cry about it. every. single. day. i wish that i could go back and redo it, and put my fragile idiotic ego aside and just hug my brother. but i can’t. so stop being an idiot, stop letting a some girl you’ve been dating a few months dictate how you treat your sister. she’s more important than that, and she is worth more than that.

yta. for letting your gf's opinion sway you into changing a totally benign gesture. there are so many countries where this is not only acceptable but totally normal. being affectionate with the people close to you shouldn't be weird. tell your gf to get over herself & apologize to your sister

yta (and so is your girlfriend) she’s sexualizing your relationship with your sister. that’s super creepy. you not shutting that down immediately is just sad, frankly. point out that not all affection is sexual in nature, and that expressing familial affection is normal and healthy. you might also point out that entire cultures greet even casual acquaintances with multiple cheek kisses—there’s a whole thing about which side to start on! [here](https://www.babbel.com/en/magazine/how-to-cheek-kiss)

BENIGN

my wife is one of the smartest, quickest people i’ve ever met. she seems to know everything and is a really good conversationalist (which i am definitely not). but she always complains she’s “unlikeably fat” and she dislikes being at any event where there are too many men or even being in a small group of most guys. i know she’s absolutely gorgeous and i’ve personally never seen anyone treat her any different. but i’ve always been thin so maybe i wouldn’t notice what she’s talking about. but i have noticed recently that she’s been more comfortable coming with me to work events and hanging out with my brothers and cousins and i’ve noticed they’ve started to like her a lot more. we were at my sisters engagement party when i heard her get into a lighthearted argument with my brother about some celebrity name or fact and she was proven correct when he googled it. later in the evening i was surprised to see them in a very similar kind of lighthearted argument (bc they usually don’t talk that much) about a tv show or author or something that i know she knows a lot about but when she pulled out her phone to google to answer she was wrong. i thought this was super weird and asked her about it in the car on the way home. she told me that her new strategy is if she ever “proves” someone wrong, she’ll purposefully construct another scenario in which she can be the one proven wrong so that there won’t be any “hurt feelings”. i told her this was ridicoulous and no one takes those kinds of things seriously and if anyone were to somehow catch her doing this (like it did) they would be offended or hurt. she got really pissed and told me that how she manages social situations is her decision and that i wouldn’t understand having to “play dumb” for guys. but when i said that my sister’s new fiancee was a really smart women in stem and never seemed to dumb herself down for guys and everyone really loved her, my wife said that she could “get away” with that because she was conventionally beautiful and easily accepted. i didn’t know what to say to that so i said i thought she was being overly manipulative and insecure. she was really quiet the rest of the car ride home and then immediately went upstairs and started writing in her journal. i’m worried i really fucked up and hurt her feelings but also i do still think it’s a dumb and manipulative thing to do.

aita for calling my wife insecure and manipulative?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xiebau/aita_for_calling_my_wife_insecure_and_manipulative/

2022-09-19 14:55:08

yta. "manipulative" was very much a bad term to use. she's so deeply insecure and so willing to put herself down for other people, that she's going out of her way to make herself look wrong just to avoid the chance of hurting their ego. you should be *concerned* for her emotional/mental state, you should be trying to build up her self-esteem. instead you accused her of doing something wrong and calling her out for being insecure as if it's something for her to feel guilty and ashamed about, as if she doesn't already feel shame and guilt. she's basically saying "i give up everything to prioritize other people's feelings and ego over my own, because i feel like i don't deserve it." and instead you responded with "actually you didn't prioritize other people's feelings well enough because manipulation is bad." you're reinforcing that her wants and needs matter less than anyone else's and that's the last thing she needs right now. side note: while many smart women don't "play dumb", a lot of them have faced pretty bad social consequences for not doing so. i don't think she should do it and i don't think she needs to, but you shouldn't be dismissive of the internal and external pressures that are pushing her to do that. i think your gf is insecure enough that she should seek out therapy (you should be extremely gentle if you recommend this though). she sounds like a really cool person, and she deserves to feel like she doesn't have to minimize and apologize for her self and her presence in social events! i think you need to work on being more mindful about your gf's feelings, and more thoughtful in how you talk about subjects that are sensitive for her.

yta. "my wife found a harmless way to navigate social situations comfortably, so i told her my sister in law was better."

yta. rather then trying to understand your wife's perspective, you attacked her character. what exactly is she trying to manipulate them to do, not dislike her?

yta. why? i mean, no one was hurt. she may be insecure, but she wasn't being manipulative. she was trying not to hurt his feelings. that's called considerate. i don't see the big deal. i have no idea why you escalted this or started a fight over it or insulted her. are you 12? this is so petty. grow up.

yta - it’s extremely hard to get taken seriously in conversation for intelligent women because there are just so many men who will literally turn mean and aggressive if they feel like they’re not superior to a woman in conversation, or at best just refuse to talk to that woman properly in future. the fact you’ve never come across this is not an indicator that it doesn’t happen. if your wife is doing this at family events, it’s showing you she doesn’t really feel safe with your family. and you just showed her that you will back them over her if anything like that comes up because you don’t respect her behaviour or the reasons behind it. thing is, even if your wife doesn’t particularly like doing this, she’s probably really tired of having to deal with people being sniffy, refusing to fully engage in conversation with her, or feeling like they’re calling her rude, pushy or aggressive for offering a factually correct opinion. and this was supposed to be a fun event; she chose to do something easy and simple to make sure that didn’t happen and to ensure that your family were comfortable and found her likeable rather than getting into potential conflict with anybody that she showed up by knowing more than them. so yes, she’s insecure; but she has pretty good reason to be, in general, because the reaction she’s anticipating is pretty common even if you or your relatives wouldn’t personally go along with that. and you made her feelings of anxiety in that situation so much worse by letting her know that you dislike her for it, and that you don’t believe or respect her reasons - and then you finished off by comparing her unfavourably to another woman and saying that everyone loved the other woman (which your wife will have heard as “they all love her… but not me”, because she’s already feeling insecure). next time maybe talk to her about how often she’s had negative reactions for being smart in the past, let her know you understand how frustrating and saddening that must be for her, and reassure her that your family wouldn’t respond badly to knowing/seeing she’s clever because they love her as much as you do.

yta. she didn't do anything to you or anything insulting, and you went off on her. you know she's socially anxious, and, fun fact, a lot of women have to do this shit. sometimes, men really freak out if they're proven wrong multiple times. this is a legit thing women have to deal with.

yta. you acknowledge that your wife is intelligent and knows how to navigate social situations. well, this is how she navigates social situations. the situation is terrible, the fact that she's right about how a large percentage of men regard smart women is terrible, and your reaction was terrible. if you want to help, bolster her. stand up for her. praise her intellect in public and privately assure her that she doesn't need to dumb herself down because you'll always have her back. then follow up on that and make sure you have her back when, inevitably, some man dismisses her, derides her for being a know-it-all, mansplains, or otherwise snubs her. also, apologize for dismissing her concerns, because you've told her she's wrong for being smart enough to recognize reality, putting yourself firmly in the category of men dismissing smart women.

yta. mostly because it was not that deep in the first place? yes, your wife is insecure so she thinks about ways to try and make other people feel secure(even if its her feigning her own intelligence). instead of recognizing that what she is doing is to uplift others instead of tearing them down, you compared her to other women and further fed her feelings of inadequacy. what she needed was you saying “you’re smart and that is alright, no need to make yourself feel small to make others feel big”. but instead you said “well my friends wives are confident and smart(and thus kind of implies), so why arent you?”.

i have been smart and skinny and i have been smart and fat. she’s right, people don’t like when someone’s smarter than them and they really don’t like when a fat girl is smarter than them. yta

yta. this is an unfortunate reality for many smart women. many men don't like to be shown the woman they are speaking with knows more than them. she read the situation correctly. she may or may not have gone about it the right way (she isn't hurting anyone here, so imo, she's fine but also, she shouldn't have to snub herself), but she's not being manipulative. she is actually actively making herself smaller so the men around her don't feel threatened. she deserves a more emotionally mature husband. step up.

BENIGN

i do feel kind of bad about this, but i was just frustrated. my daughter is 20 and been vegetarian for 2 years. last night i was making dinner for the family and she was making her own separate meal. there was a lot going on and between the 2 of us, every burner on the stove was being used, as well as the oven itself, and the microwave. there were so many dishes and we have a tiny kitchen so we were getting a bit frustrated with each other being in each others way, admittedly particularly me. i got so frustrated and angry at one point and said 'guess i'll be doing the dishes. there's so many.' she said 'i can do them. jesus, calm down. i only used 2 dishes anyways, most of them are yours.' i finally said out of frustrated of coordinating our cooking 'you know this would all be so much easier if you just ate meat with the rest of us!" i immediately felt bad when i said it although i didn't apologize until later when we both calmed down. all she said to me was 'you know you guys could go vegetarian too, or even just eat a vegetarian dinner a couple times a week. don't blame me.' aita? i didn't mean it, i was just frustrated, but she's still mad at me for saying that to her.

aita for telling my vegetarian daughter it would be easier if she just ate meat?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/fqm56b/aita_for_telling_my_vegetarian_daughter_it_would/

2020-03-28 15:22:56

yta. you made the most stereotypical passive-aggressive mother comment, complaining about doing the dishes instead of just asking your daughter to wash the two that she used. if you can’t handle sharing the same space with someone while cooking, cook first or wait until she’s done. don’t take out your personal frustrations on someone else.

yta and you know it. that’s why you feel bad. she is sticking to her morals and it’s not fair to expect her to stray from them. on the plus side, you clearly raised your daughter to be an empathic person with integrity.

yeah yta. you tried getting mad about the dishes, but then you found out most of them were because of you. then you just tried to attack her to shut her down completely, which failed. you know you could eat a vegetarian meal once a week and it wouldn't kill you right? and it would show your daughter that you do actually care about what's important to her, cause she knows your apology was bullshit. you could also cook vegetarian entrees and just have the meat cooked and served separately (stir frys, eggplant lasagna, rice bakes, casseroles, pasta the list is endless) that way your daughter wouldn't have to cook every time and she can eat the meal with you all instead of her own meal.

yta-how would you not be? your daughter made the choice to be a vegetarian, and it sounds like you aren’t being respectful of that. she’s not asking you to make accommodations, and you’re acting like a toddler and throwing a fit. you owe her an apology.

yta absolutely. for starters, you went *looking* to pick a fight with your own daughter. you made a conscious decision, frustrated or no, to antagonize her and instigate a confrontation. that is *incredibly* petty. like, everything else i could say about it aside, you are her *parent*? secondly, was she right? were most of the dishes yours? even if they weren't, you could have politely and respectfully asked her to help you by working on the dishes she used to cook and eat. that's the most that she owes you. as she's not eating the meal you've prepared, she doesn't own you any labor for it - what she's getting out of family dinner is having time to bond with you *as your freaking daughter*, and she does not have an obligation to you for wanting that. she even offered to wash the dishes for you, according to your own post. which, your passive-aggressive tone not-with-standing, was clearly, from her perspective, what you were after. but then you made a conscious decision to *escalate the situation*? why? you say you were "just frustrated," but you *must* have intended to get *something* out of doing that. people don't just do things because of their emotional state. i think you really need to take the time to do some self-reflection and figure out exactly what your intentions were, reminding yourself that she offered to give you what you were asking for which was already more than you were owed. because here's the thing. i noticed that some of the other answers are brushing aside the idea that you were personally attacking her for her personal dietary choices. but that's *exactly* what you were doing. even if you don't realize it, that's the *exact* message your actions deliver to your daughter. from her perspective, she is actually the one being helpful and accommodating of *you*, even though i know you likely haven't thought of it that way. she's not asking you to go out of your way to put extra strain on you by asking you to prepare one meal for the rest of your family and one separately for her. she's making her own food and taking that labor *off of you*. and you repay her for that by telling her that things would just "be easier" if she were to completely abandon what very well may be a deeply-held social and political value because it's a *minor* inconvenience. do you have any core values? something political, or moral, or religious, that you frame your life's choices around? how would you feel if she were to say those same words to you about any of those?

yta, gently. you’ve done the first step of apologizing. now do the second: how can you help make it right? it sounds like your daughter is making her own meals because she can’t eat what you are preparing. making vegetarian meals once or twice a week, or letting her take over making family dinner, sounds like a nice compromise. also, generally making sides that can work as a full meal, *without* your daughter asking, would also be a nice gesture.

yta. with a little research and practice, you can find how to maybe make half the dish meat-free, or cook two proteins at once so she can have her meat-free protein while you have your meat, and everyone share the sides. you can easily make this a bonding moment and find ways to mesh the dinners and make everyone happy. it almost seems excessive to me for her to be eating an entirely separate meal.

yta you should also get the rest of the family to clean the pots as it sounds like they don't

yta, and you should apologize. it sounds like your daughter made a decision when she became a legal adult (and i’m refraining from letting myself make assumptions related to the timing), and since then she has made an effort to still have dinner with the family while cooking her own dinner, as opposed to eating alone separately. she also seems to have been fine with the arrangement - using minimal dishes to cook her own meal - and i can imagine she felt upset by the frustration you were expressing, and the chaos in the kitchen.

yta your convenience vs her ethics and health, which i mention because meat could make her quite sick after not eating it for a long time. you certainly could eat a vegetarian meal occasionally. particularly as apparently you cook for everyone else but not her. and her two dishes are such an imposition. you're frustrated but you're lashing out at the wrong target.

BENIGN

so,this looks really bad.also wedding will happen in january 2022 but we sent the invitations way before the wedding. i(42m) hava 21 year old son from my late wife,whom we lost 10 years ago. she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of ms(multiple sclerosis) when my son was 7 and it was a hard 4 years for all of us. it was devastating. we lost her in the hospital after a kidney infection at age 39. my son never managed to get himself together after her death and he always blamed me on the issue. it was exhausting. i tried therapy for myself and my son individually and we tried family therapy also but it never worked and we decided to separate our lives amicably in the therapeutical space. it was heartbreaking but needed. i gave him the inheritance from his mom(it was left to me but i gave it) and he moved to my sils house. she was very understanding and she became his sole parental figure basically. we only talked from birthdays to birthdays and saw each other at holidays. i also paid child support to my sil which she made a savings account for him. she was the most understanding and the only supportive people from both sides. mil never liked me and fil was lost way before me and my wife met. my parents disowned me for giving our only "heir" of the family to my sil. luckily i did not see my family that much before all of this,we had a superficial relationship due to me being married to a woman and having a grandchild,i am bisexual. my siblings are also really problematic and rude. my late wife also hated my parents when she saw their bullshit. 4 years ago,i met with a guy in my sils birthday party. it was an adult party and my son wasn't there. we clicked and the night ended in my bedroom. my sil was really happy and played the wing woman in the whole process. my son was civil but he did not like to engage with us so our routine continued.he is like "you can do whatever you want,just leave me alone." we were not planning to get married but i got covid from the workspace and i returned from the door of icu so i said "screw it!" and decided to propose. he said yes and we are currently planning a 4 day extravaganza.we sent the invitations from now and after a talk with my sil and partner,we decided not to invite my son. well,her side of family did not take this news well also my fiance's family is also angry with my decision. they say that even that we are estranged,weddings can mend things together and we can start to have a relationship again. i don't have that kind of hope anymore.sil is with me in the issue and my fiance left the decision in my hands. i don't know what my son thinks because he definitely knows the news from my ig account. he never called or texted me about the issue.

aita for not inviting my son to my wedding?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/l237ne/aita_for_not_inviting_my_son_to_my_wedding/

2021-01-21 17:32:43

yta. send an invite. if he chooses not to come, thats ok, but he should at the very least be welcome.

>my son never managed to get himself together after her death and he always blamed me on the issue so this statement is kind of telling. your son was 11 when he lost his mother, and for 4 years prior, was probably trying to figure out how to handle her diagnosis and subsequent death, as a child. therapy helps, but it can only do so much. then you shipped him off to his aunt, which i'd guess made him feel alienated from you even more. you're allowed to have the wedding you want, but don't put all the blame on your son and what you consider his lack of ability to get himself together-whatever that may have meant at his age. you are the parent. he sounds like he may be emotionally stunted from what happened. if you have no intention of ever working through things, sure, cut him out and live your life. it honestly sounds like he may be better off without someone who doesn't seem to really care. the fact that you can even think about not including him, or even talking to him yourself-he had to find out through social media? yta.

yta i'm so confused why you went to being a birthday and holiday only parent. you literally just gave up on being a dad. how the heck do you expect to ever have a relationship with your son if you don't try? you are such an asshole.

if you ever want to have a relationship with him, you need to invite him. this is a major life event and while he may choose not to come, yta if you don't reach out for this. "my dad remarried and didn't even invite me" is serious ah territory.

yta it sounds like you blamed your son for the breakdown of your relationship and for not getting over the death of his mother quick enough. you don't just give up on a child. ever. especially when they're going through such a major trauma and having it though his teen years. i wish i could say exactly what i think of you but i don't want to be banned. i really hope your happy with yourself. and i'm sure you wife thinks your a selfish ah and is disgusted with your behaviour.

the wedding is more than a year away and you are ruling him out? i get that you are hurt, but he is still your son. you could have waited before sending out the invitations. if he is going to be hostile and cause problems, then you should not invite him. but at least give him a chance. yta.

yta. seems like you just gave up a relationship with your son because he was a grieving child you blamed you? and you just moved on with your life without your wife or your son.

yta. your son showed absolutely no indication that he would not support a union between you and this man.. so why not invite him? in fact you even said that he was civil. what you're doing only serves to further alienate him; which is just the last thing you need and completely unneccesary. also, given the context that you've provided, your son may not *even want* to attend your wedding due to the strained relationship between you and him. still. you should invite him and then it's up to him whether he wants to come or not. also sending out wedding invites a year before the wedding. that's *extreme*.

yta. dude at 15 they don't know what to do anymore than a 18 does. he lost his mother 4yrs prior to that. he was 11 and had to watch his mother suffer from age 7! his mental maturity basically slammed into a wall because emotionally he was dealing with so much that a adult can barely handle let alone a child. i was 15 when i lost my mother. the same age as he was when you decided to abandon him. yes abandon. you decided to give up (your words were give up) and just send him away. you didn't want to be a parent anymore that it was to hard. your sil had to be the mother and father for a emotionally destroyed little boy that had lost his mother then to turn around and see his father abandon him next. do you think at 15 when i lost my mother i had any idea what to do? how to live? or grow up or make adult decisions like you forced on your son? no. instead i was shipped off to my father against my will because no one could/would take me in. i was shipped off and expected to be an adult i had to take care of myself mentally physically and emotionally and i did a shit job of it. you know why? i was 15 years old! i'm 27 now and i still haven't gotten a decent grip on my damn life. i still have to go thru each year handling the fact that my mother's gone. your kids pissed at you and rightfully so. therapy can work if it's ready to be used. you didn't try very long with your kid. when one solution didn't work you gave up and sent him away. instead of just not inviting him how about trying to open a door to communication again and try to be human to your son. he's an adult now and is a lot more mentally mature then he was. ask yourself can you really go through life not knowing shit about your son by your own choice? what if he has kids? are you content not having a chance to know your grandkids? you have the chance to try to right things even a little with your son. don't fuck that up.

yta no wonder your son is distant, he lost his mother at 11 and ‘didn’t get himself together’ he was fucking 11. most 11 year olds don’t have their shit together, and definitely those going through grief won’t. not inviting him to the wedding is disgusting, you’ve just bombed a bridge, fuck burning them you’ve gone nuclear

BENIGN

my son turned three years old today. we had a little celebration for him yesterday and he got a few presents. as is often the case with kids, his favorite thing was the small, $7 paw patrol toy we got to put on his cake. figures. today after i went to work, my wife was working out in the yard on our small garden, repotting a few things, and had him out playing and helping a bit. she had to step inside the door to grab something (a round trip of less than 10 seconds) and asked him specifically not to touch the plants she was working on while she stepped inside. as soon as she turned her back, he picked up and threw several of the plants she was moving, basically killing them. my wife, who has been working hard on this garden for weeks now, was very upset. he smirked and tried to cutely say he was sorry, but laughed as she got after him and put him in time out. she texted me to express frustration and asked what we should do about his destructive behavior. i said she should take away his new toy and tell him that daddy said we need to sell it so we can buy new plants for the garden, and to tell him that we can only have nice things when we take good care of them (this would not be the first time we've had a talk like this). if he were a bit bigger i think i would feel just fine doing this, but the fact that he is still just barely 3 years old and is generally a very nice kid is giving me some pause. wibta for taking his toy forever?

wibta for telling my kid we have to sell his toy?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/blh18j/wibta_for_telling_my_kid_we_have_to_sell_his_toy/

2019-05-06 20:13:20

ywbta, he is definitely not old enough to understand what any of this means. all he will know is that you gave him a great little toy that he loves and then took it away for reasons he cannot comprehend. instead, perhaps try a little lesson in owning up to your actions by having him "help" mommy with planting new plants. ​

ywbta. he's a very small child. this type of punishment relies upon his ability to correlate the "selling" of his toy with him having ruined the plants. it won't work. doing this will only hurt him, it won't teach him anything.

yta; this is not an age-appropriate punishment. too abstract for a 3yo.

yta he’s probably too young to grasp this complex lesson. also, why do you have to be the bad guy who sells the toy?

ywbta he is only 3 he seriously had no impulse control at all. i think after putting him in time out out and explaining to him about how he hurt his mom's feelings and that's not okay the issue should have been dropped. he is only 3 ffs!

yta for sure, he's three. he doesn't understand cause and effect situations like this. you need to punish him immediately after his destructive behavior, not wait until daddy gets home. by that time he will have forgotten what he did wrong and will just see your punishment as bullying.

yta if you do that, yeah.

yta 3 is way too young to understand taking away a toy from damaging the garden. maybe help her re plant new plants or something

ywbta, a child that age doesn't comprehend much outside of his immediate thoughts. i get that time out and talking to didn't work, but maybe communicate with your child in a way they can understand. "did you know that it made mommy sad when you threw her plants? wouldn't it make you sad if mommy just took your toy and threw it or took it? okay then, so please dont do that again, okay?" children at this stage in their life are beginning to learn how things really work in the world, but they're also still learning the basic principles of manners. on top of that, he is 3 after all, when he laughed at your wife she may not have held a stern enough tone. my nephew mistakes me as joking sometimes if i dont use just the right tone, so that could also be a factor.

ywbta. he is three. little kids are not as smart as you think they are, including yours, despite the fact that your kiddo worked with your wife on the garden. he will see bullying, not cause and effect. this is going to have to be a lesson in, for example, not trusting a 3-year old by themselves, and to immediately discipline after the action happens, such as time-out, which is perfect. the toy being sold is totally overkill for his age. k done being critical. now here’s what i can recommend instead. my hubby and i learned that the best punishment is one seldom used. discipline is different from punishment. time-outs are your best friend. just make sure to keep it consistent and as boring as possible. my condolences to your wife’s flower garden. best wishes! oh yes. do not leave 3-year old alone even for a minute next time. i say it for y’alls’ sanity. you’d be surprised how much disaster they can cause when left alone, especially boys!

BENIGN

my son(28m) got married few months ago. his husband(22m) moved in with him. doesn’t work, smokes weed, hangs out with his friends all day. all he does successfully is using my son’s credit card to buy ridiculous expensive clothes and whatever he wants. i visited him few days ago, he opened door. holding a blunt of course. i asked where my son was coming home, he said he’d be kinda late. we started talking. i just asked him casually if he was looking for a job or something. he said that he didn’t want to work. i got kind of upset and asked him if he just planned to leech of my son forever. he got really offended for some reason and asked me to leave. i did.later that day my son called me, he was upset at me too and told me that i was being rude.

aita for calling my son’s husband a leech

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ct7r3a/aita_for_calling_my_sons_husband_a_leech/

2019-08-20 22:51:43

yta - i mean, common. when you think something shitty, you're not an asshole. when you say something shitty, you are.

yta if your son wants to support his husband that’s his prerogative. you may be ruining your future relationship with your son in law and maybe even your son. it might have been ok to have a quiet word with your son in private but to confront his husband was wrong.

yta. you walked into another person's home, were welcomed in by him, and proceeded to angrily insult him. (regardless of how accurate the sentiment is, choosing the word leech is an insult.) i think that's the "some reason" he was offended. does your son have a problem with this arrangement? if not, then what's your issue? if so, then this is still not an appropriate way to deal with it.

yta. if this was an issue your son brought up, that'd be one thing. but it isn't. he's an adult and can manage his own affairs, and doesn't need you to inject yourself and create trouble for him where none exists. if your son has a problem with his husband's lifestyle, it is incumbent upon him, not you, to address it. instead, you've only succeeded in creating unnecessary drama for your son because *you* are unhappy with his relationship. you are the asshole.

yta. of course you care about your son, but his marriage is his business. i'm curious if you'd feel the same way if your son was married to a woman instead?

>i got kind of upset and asked him if he just planned to leech of my son forever. he got really offended **for some reason** and asked me to leave. cmon man. yta

yta - unless you have a clear financial record of your son and his husband's income and costs of living, you have no idea. it also shouldn't matter assuming both are happy and stable within their current situation. your husband likely got married to him **knowing** this was the plan all along. it seems you don't have enough info to even tell what is going on within their home and what the living situation/dynamic is like. you should be asking questions to better understand rather than making your own conclusions, accusing, and blaming your sil for being some leech. **talk** about it don't just assume things without having any information. ​ "to assume is to make an ass out of you and me"

yta this was in no way your place. you don’t know the agreement they have. you don’t know if your son is fine with it. you’re legitimately confused why he got offended you called him a leech?

yta. maybe you aren’t wrong, but calling your sil a leech is obviously offensive, and you know it. this marriage is your son’s business. if he asks your opinion, maybe you can express your concern to him, but i would be careful about doing so. he’s going to figure this relationship out on his own terms and the only thing you can do is be there for him (emotionally) if/when things fall apart.

yta. you didn't casually ask him if he was looking for a job. you very much had an answer you wanted to that question. he should obviously be trying to do more in life but it's not your business it's your sons.

TOXIC

my wife was a damn hard worker up until the virus. she worked in health care, at a dementia unit, as a medical technician. she lost her job when the kids had to be fully remote for schooling and due to this, she lost herself somewhere along the way. became severely depressed, started drinking heavily, got really snappy and overwhelmed when it came to miniscule issues, etc. by the time the kids were able to go back to school she was so withdrawn emotionally and mentally that there was no chance she would go back to work. she got panic attacks from even having to leave the house. complete 180 from the woman i married years ago. she started working from home for roughly 10 months collectively but kept losing jobs because she couldn't focus or some days couldn't even force herself to get online to work. i never judged her for any of it because i truly watched the whole thing unfold and i knew she was struggling. but lately i've been pissed. resentful, whatever. she still gets anxious going out in public but not nearly as bad as she was. she stopped drinking, which is great. she is slowly getting herself back on track but she still doesn't want to work a 9 to 5. i didn't say anything about my resentment however. i just let it ride. two months ago she signed up for amazon sellers and got approved and she started doing that. she has made like $1300 revenue, which is about a $600 profit in 2 months. it's been super slow but she researches daily and has been leaving the house more often on her own (huge step) to go search out deals and whatever. well two nights ago she was on her computer doing more research and made some comment about "i'm starting to wonder if i will even make it in this business. i'm having a hard time getting my profit margin up." so i said "you probably won't make it in the business. it seems like no one ever does." she kind of looks at me for a minute and then just closes out of all she was researching and goes silent. i eventually ask what's wrong and she goes "how the fuck do you expect me to believe in myself when you sit here and discourage me from trying anything that doesn't involve a 9 to 5?" i told her i didn't discourage her but working a 9 to 5 at least has a steady paycheck and i feel she should be looking for a real job. she currently isn't really speaking to me and now i'm curious if i'm wrong. aita? (money is not an issue but i'm sure it will be eventually)

aita for unknowingly discouraging my wife?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yrihrt/aita_for_unknowingly_discouraging_my_wife/

2022-11-10 15:32:47

yta. and not just about this. where were you when your children needed assistance with their schooling? where were you when she was dealing with the "minuscule issues" were overwhelming her? guess what? they were not minuscule issues to her, you just weren't paying attention. you're supposed to build each other up. you keep tearing her down. apologize. start being a husband and a father. a "9 to 5" for her may just be 2nd shift or some type of entrepreneurial endeavor.

yta. unless i’m really misunderstanding, your wife didn’t lose her job at the start of the pandemic, she left her job at the start of the pandemic. how did that choice get made? was she enthusiastically on board, or was it more that you argued against working it out another way, such as you leaving your job, or her cutting hours while you made other sacrifices like wfh part time? then she spent months and years with (it sounds like) sole responsibility for managing the kids and their schooling. she became depressed because who wouldn’t? what did you do to help her during that time? were you truly an equal partner? did you help her get counseling? then, as she’s trying to find a way to contribute financially, you discourage her and again try to push her in the direction you want her to go. look, i get that you are probably really stressed and could use some support yourself. you’ve been through a lot! but i think you’re being unfair and inconsiderate to your wife, and that’s where you’re being an asshole.

yta >(money is not an issue but i'm sure it will be eventually) so why are you mad? why are you tying her progress to her ability to bring home a paycheck? what about all the unpaid labor she's done in the course of your marriage?

yta. you "watched the whole thing unfold and i knew she was struggling." and you never state if you did anything to help her and then you discourage her. you've been "..been pissed. resentful, whatever.?" oh poor you. yes you edit that she's in therapy, but what are you doing to help your wife other than being pissy, resentful, whatver? ​ you must be a joy to be around