Rick: Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... you gotta come with me.
Morty: What, Rick? What's going on?
Rick: I got a surprise for you, Morty.
Morty: It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about?
Rick: Come on, I got a surprise for you. Come on, hurry up.
Morty: Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard!
Rick: We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Morty.
Rick: What do you think of this... flying vehicle, Morty? I built it outta stuff I found in the garage.
Morty: Yeah, Rick... I-it's great. Is this the surprise?
Rick: Morty. I had to... I had to do it. I had- I had to- I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb.
Morty: What?! A bomb?!
Rick: We're gonna drop it down there just get a whole fresh start, Morty. Create a whole fresh start.
Morty: T-t-that's absolutely crazy!
Rick: Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica.
Morty: Jessica? From my math class?
Rick: When I drop the bomb you know, I want you to have somebody, you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam.
Morty: Ohh...
Rick: And Jessica's gonna be Eve.
Morty: Whhhh-wha?
Rick: And so that's the surprise, Morty.
Morty: No, you can't! Jessica doesn't even know I exist! But-but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity!
Rick: I-I get what you're trying to say, Morty. Listen, I'm not... You don't got... Y-you don't gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Morty.
Morty: What are you talking about, Rick?
Rick: You-you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. Sh-sh-she- she, she, she's all for you, Morty.
Morty: I don't care about Jessica! Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou-
Rick: You know what, Morty? You're right. Let's forget the girl altogether. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways.
Morty: That's it... that's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel.
Rick: Get off of me, Morty!
Morty: I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy! I'm put-I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin'... I-I'm, I'm, I'm not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world!
Rick: Come on! What's gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don't you marry it? What are you, crazy? Alright, alright, Morty.
Rick: Alright. I'll-I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I'll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden.
Rick: We'll park it right here, Morty. Right here on the side of the ree... road here.
Morty: Oh, thank god.
Rick: You know what? That was all a test, Morty. Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive.
Morty: It was?
Rick: Sure. Why not? I don't, I don't know. Y-you know what, Mo-
Morty: Um...
Jerry: I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer?
Summer: Oh my God, his head is in his food. I'm going to puke.
Beth: Morty, are you getting sick? I told you not to practice-kiss the living room pillow. The dog sleeps on it.
Morty: I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom. I just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something.
Summer: Or maybe you were out all night again with Grandpa Rick.
Jerry: What?
Beth: Dad?
Rick: What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?
Jerry: Damn it!
Beth: Jerry!
Jerry: Beth!
Summer: Oh my god, my parents are so loud, I want to die.
Rick: Mm, there is no God, Summer. You gotta rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later.
Jerry: Okay, with all due respect, Rick- what am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept Sci-Fi rigamarole?
Rick: Listen, Jerry. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar but I'll tell you something-tell you how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time. Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "two plus two." The people in the back say, "four." Then the-then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish your mother was here to eat them.
Beth: Oh, dad...
Jerry: What? For real?
Mr. Goldenfold: Alright, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows!
Mr. Goldenfold: Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math? And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in. Two plus two.
Morty: Jessica.
Mr. Goldenfold: Five plus five.
Morty: Jessica.
Mr. Goldenfold: Okay, good. It's time for the quiz.
Mr. Goldenfold: Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room. There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3
Jessica: Hi, Morty.
Morty: Whoa! Hi, Jessica.
Jessica: Can I show these to you?
Morty: Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you!
Jessica: You know what I named these? My little Morties.
Morty: Uh, that's flattering... and a little weird.
Jessica: Do you know what I want you to do with them?
Morty: Rename them?
Jessica: Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. No wrong answers.
Morty: Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot.
Jessica: Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me?
Morty: Uh, I-I'm just doing my best.
Mr. Goldenfold: Morty! What are you doing to me?!
Morty: Ah, Jessica.
Mr. Goldenfold: Morty!
Morty: Jessica.
Mr. Goldenfold: Five more minutes of this, and I'm gonna get mad.
Morty: Je-Jessica. Jessica.
Mr. Goldenfold: Not my fault this is happening.
Morty: Uh, morning, Frank.
Morty: Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it.
Rick: There you are, Morty. Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands.
Morty: Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-what'd you do to Frank?
Rick: It's pretty obvious, Morty. I froze him. Now listen I need your help, Morty. I mean, we got we got to get get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Morty.
Morty: I don't know, Rick. I can't leave school again.
Rick: Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Morty? What do you think I can just do it all by myself? Come on!
Morty: Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip history. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?
Rick: I'll do it later, Morty. He'll be fine. Let's go.
Summer: Hi, Frank.
Summer: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!
Beth: Scalpel.
Jerry: Knock, knock.
Beth: Jerry?
Jerry: My manager gave me an hour for lunch, and I thought, "hey, why not swing by where your wife works?"
Beth: Jerry, please tell me you're here for an incredibly urgent reason.
Jerry: Well, it's lunch. I mean, it's one of three meals that have existed for millennia.
Beth: Okay, I only ask, Jerry, because, as you know, my job involves performing heart surgery.
Jerry: Well, yeah, on horses.
Beth: Excuse me?
Jerry: Okay, Let's not rehash that fight. I sense that you're busy and will now be on my way.
Jerry: Whoa! What is this on the floor? Some kind of literature for a really nice-looking nursing home. Hey, honey, crazy idea bad pitch let's put your dad here. Let's put your dad in a nursing home.
Beth: Hey, Tom! We know when we're losing him. WE CAN HEAR THE BEEPS!
Rick: There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go.
Morty: Oh, geez, okay.
Morty: Oh, man, Rick. What is this place?
Rick: It's Dimension 35-C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Morty, called a Mega Tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega Seeds. They're they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Morty.
Morty: Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing.
Rick: All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Morty, we're gonna be-
Rick: HOLY CRAP, MORTY RUN!!!
Rick: I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Morty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Morty!
Rick: Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that breathe that fresh air in, Morty. Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Morty. That's that's the smell of-of-of-of a whole different evolutionary timeline.
Morty: All right, Rick, look how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now?
Rick: Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us. Look at that thing right there. What the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind of thing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. It defies all logic, that thing.
Morty: Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind of the reason why I want to leave.
Rick: Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Morty, you see this?
Rick: You see what we just stumbled upon, Morty? Any idea what that is down there?
Morty: The mega trees?
Rick: That's right, Morty the mega trees with the mega fruit on them and that's what I'm talking about, Morty. That's where my seeds are. If we would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because you're so in love with school.
Morty: All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?
Rick: You ask a lot of questions, Morty. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under- underfoot figure.
Rick: Just take these shoes, Morty. They're special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things, these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Morty up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together.
Morty: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!
Rick: You have to turn them on, Morty! The shoes have to be turned on!
Beth: I am not putting my father in a home! He just came back into my life, and you want to grab him and stuff him under a mattress like last month's Victoria's Secret?
Jerry: I told you I was ordering you something for Valentine's Day. More importantly, your father is a horrible influence on our son.
Beth: It's fine, Davin.
Jerry: Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies.
Beth: Look, I appreciate the stress you're under, but Morty was having trouble in school way before my dad moved in, and the only influence I can see Rick having is that, for the first time in his life, Morty has a friend.
Jerry: Well, maybe you're right.
Beth: Uh, yeah, maybe I am. I'm my father's daughter. I'm smart. Why do you think I'm a heart surgeon?
Jerry: Ahem, Horse heart surgeon.
Principal Vagina: Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina, no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?
Rick: Morty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Morty, for them to work. Yeah, look I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze.
Morty: I'm in a lot of pain, Rick!
Rick: Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Morty?
Morty: Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this! I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but-but even Hitler cared about Germany or something.
Rick: Okay, hold on just a second, Morty.
Morty: Ooh! Ohh! Ooh! Hnngh! Hoo! Ooh! Ohh! Aaaaagh! Oooooh!
Morty: Ooh, Ohh, Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuff just healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you.
Rick: Don't worry about it, Morty. Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?
Morty: Sure thing, Rick.
Rick: Not that you asked, Morty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Morty.
Morty: Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick.
Rick: There's just one problem, Morty one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, that they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Morty, and they had been forever. I was the only old person there, Morty. It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. I-I was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Morty, and they-they-they- they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device it's got no charge left, Morty. It's got no charge left.
Morty: What?!
Rick: It's as good as garbage, Morty. It's not gonna work anymore, Morty.
Morty: Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? I-I have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?
Rick: There's ways to get back home, Morty. It's just it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through interdimensional customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid.
Morty: Uh-oh.
Rick: When we get to customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Morty.
Morty: In my butt?
Rick: Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit.
Morty: Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that.
Rick: Well, somebody's got to do it, Morty. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Morty
Morty: Uuuh.
Rick: And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Morty. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for grandpa, Morty. Y- you've got to put these seeds inside your butt.
Morty: In my butt?
Rick: Come on, Morty. Please, Morty. You have to do it, Morty.
Morty: Oh, man.
Principal Vagina: The fact is, your son, Morty, has attended this school for a total of seven hours over the last two months.
Beth: What? Why didn't you notify us?
Principal Vagina: I done been notifying you. Have you not been getting the messages I've been leaving with Morty's grandfather?
Jerry: Boom! Told you! In your face! He is ruining our child! Wait, what am I celebrating?
Principal Vagina: Yeah, see, I thought something was fishy there, because it's usually Morty's grandpa that's taking him out of school.
Beth: Summer?
Summer: What kind of God lets this happen?
Principal Vagina: We had a little incident. A student was frozen to death. And there's no evidence that a Latino student did it! Everyone wants to take this to a racial place. I won't let them.
Announcer: The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.
Announcer: The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only.
Rick: I don't like it here, Morty. I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?
Morty: Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt.
Rick: That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Morty. Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a-
Rick: Why does he have to go over there?
Rick: What new- what new machine?
Rick: Run, Morty! Run!
Morty: Aaaaaah!
Morty: Ohhhhh!
Morty: Ohhhhhh!
Morty: Aaaaah!
Rick: Don't think about it!
Rick: Ooh! Oh, nice, Morty! The student becomes the teacher.
Morty: Whoooooo!
Rick: I need to type in the coordinates to our home world, Morty. Cover me.
Morty: Oh, man. I mean, you know, I-I don't want to shoot nobody.
Rick: They're just robots, Morty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots!
Morty: They're not robots, Rick!
Rick: It's a figure of speech, Morty. They're bureaucrats. I don't respect them. Just keep shooting, Morty. You have no idea what prison is like here!
Morty: Holy crap! This is insane!
Rick: Come on, Morty! We got to get the hell out of here!
Jessica: Wow. Did you just come into the cafeteria through a portal?
Morty: Uh, yeah. Well, you know, my-my Ferrari's in the shop. Just kidding.
Jessica: You're Morty, right?
Morty: Yeah.
Rick: You can get his number later. Come on, Morty. We got to get out of here. You got to get those seeds out of your ass.
Jerry: Oh, look, honey. It's our son with Albert Ein-douche.
Beth: What?
Jerry: I'm an angry father, not an improviser.
Rick: Oh, hi, Jerry. Oh, my goodness, Morty! What are you doing out of class? We talked about this. Your-your parents and I are very disappointed in-in this behavior... No? No takers?
Rick: You guys should really not be touching that stuff. It's beyond your reasoning.
Jerry: You're beyond our reasoning!
Rick: Takes one to know one.
Beth: Dad, how could you make my son miss an entire semester of school? I mean, it's not like he's a hot girl. He can't just bail on his life and set up shop in someone else's.
Rick: What what are you guys doing with my stuff?
Beth: We're moving you to a nursing home.
Rick: A nursing home? What are what are you, nuts? I'm a genius. I build robots for fun.
Jerry: Well, now you can build baskets and watch Paul Newman movies on VHS and mentally scar the Boy Scouts every Christmas.
Beth: What does that mean?
Jerry: It's personal.
Morty: Dad, mom, come on. Rick just needed my help is all.
Jerry: Morty, stay out of this. You are obviously not capable of judging these situations on your own.
Rick: What are you trying to say about Morty? That he's stupid or something?
Beth: Oh, don't high-road us, dad. You know fully well that Morty is the last child that needs to be missing classes.
Rick: I-I-I don't know what you mean by that. Can can can you be a little bit more specific?
Jerry: Oh, for crying out-he's got some kind of disability or something. Is that what you want us to say?
Morty: I do?
Jerry: Well, duh doy, son. Look, I love you, Morty, but we both know you're not as fast as the other kids, and if you want to compete in this world, you got to work twice as hard.
Morty: Aw, geez, dad. Y-you know, that's a lot to drop on a kid all at once.
Rick: Morty, t-tell your parents the square root of pi.
Morty: Oh, come on, Rick. You know I can't.
Rick: The square root of Pi, Morty. Go!
Morty: 1.77245385... Whoa!
Beth: What the hell?
Jerry: Holy crap. He's right.
Rick: Morty, tell your parents the first law of Thermodynamics.
Morty: "The increment in the internal energy of a system is equal to the increment of heat supplied to the system." Wow! I'm so smart!
Jerry: But-
Rick: I told the both of you school is stupid. It's not how you learn things. Morty's a gifted child. He has a special mind. That's why he's my little helper. He's like me. He's gonna be doing great science stuff later in his life. He's too smart for school. He needs to keep hanging out and helping me.
Beth: Jerry, I don't want whatever's happening here to stop.
Jerry: No, I-I understand. Uh, maybe we overreacted. But he has to keep going to school.
Rick: Okay, Jerry. You drive a hard bargain, but what am I supposed to do? Say no? You-you really wear the pants around here. I just want you to know, between us, from now on, it's gonna be clear communication.
Summer: Frank Palicky was frozen to death today!
Rick: No idea what you're talking about.
Jerry: Okay. Well, uh, Morty, it's your bedtime in an hour. Don't stay up all night again. This is good, though. This can work. I think we can be a family and now, Beth, if you'll have me, I would love to have you.
Beth: You know what? Okay.
Morty: Holy cow, Rick. I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter.
Rick: Full disclosure, Morty it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the mega seeds dissolving in your rectal cavity.
Morty: Aw, man.
Rick: Yeah, and once those seeds wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills, and you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty.
Morty: Ohh, man. Oh, geez! Ohh.
Rick: I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come and I needed those seeds real bad, and I had to give them up just to get your parents off my back, so now we're gonna have to go get more adventures. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty and you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty, because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty but if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of them, and together, we're gonna run around, Morty. We're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We're the only friends we've got, Morty. It's just Rick and Morty. Rick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty forever and forever. Morty's things. Me and Rick and Morty running around, and Rick and Morty time. All day long, forever. All a hundred days. Rick and Morty forever 100 times. Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com.


Jerry: What? Why are you looking at me? You want to go outside? Outside?
Jerry: Outside?
Jerry: Are you kidding me?! Come on!
Summer: Oh, my God.
Morty: What's wrong?
Jerry: Your idiot dog!
Morty: Oh, he he didn't mean it, dad. Did you, snuffles? You're a good boy.
Jerry: Don't praise him now, Morty! He just peed on the carpet! Bad dog! Bad!
Rick: Morty, come on. I need your help tonight.
Jerry: Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
Rick: I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty.
Jerry: Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family. You make that dog smart or Morty's grounded!
Summer: Ha-ha!
Morty: Aw, man!
Rick: Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry.
Rick: All right, Ruffles What's his name?
Morty: Snuffles.
Rick: Snuffles, shake.
Rick: Roll over.
Rick: Go to the bathroom.
Jerry: Holy crap!
Summer: No way.
Rick: Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry. Have fun. Come on, Morty.
Morty: That was fantastic, Rick!
Rick: Yeah, Morty, if you like that, boy, you're you're really going to flip your lid over this one.
Morty: W-w-w-what is it?
Rick: It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's dreams, Morty. It's just like that movie that you keep crowing about.
Morty: You talking about "Inception"?
Rick: That's right, Morty. This is gonna be a lot like that, except, you know, it's gonna may-be make sense.
Morty: "Inception" made sense.
Rick: You don't have to try to impress me, Morty. Listen, tonight we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can, you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time.
Morty: Geez, Rick, in the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework?
Rick: Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid. The whole point is to get less of it.
Rick: Come on, let's just get over there and deal with this thing. W-we're gonna incept your teacher. You're frustrating me.
Mrs. Pancakes: You don't know me!
Mr. Goldenfold: ' Nice, Mrs. Pancakes real nice.
Mrs. Pancakes: You don't know me!
Rick: Uh-oh! Spoilers!
Rick: I'm a full season behind.
Morty: Wow, Rick, I can't believe we're sitting around, standing around in Mr. Goldenfold's house. It's really weird.
Rick: It's about to get a whole lot weirder, Morty.
Mrs. Pancakes: Wheat thins. Wheat thins.
Mr. Goldenfold: I'll take two.
Mrs. Pancakes: Oh, I think you've had enough, sir.
Rick: All right, Morty, time to make our move.
Mr. Goldenfold: Make it bounce.
Mrs. Pancakes: No, you didn't.
Mr. Goldenfold: Oh, jiggle it now.
Mrs. Pancakes: You better stop with that.
Rick: Allahu akbar! We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math!
Rick: Hey! I said nobody move, buddy!
Mr. Goldenfold: The name's not buddy. It's Goldenfold. Nice to wheat you!
Rick: Take cover, Morty!
Mr. Goldenfold: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Morty: Ooohhh!
Rick: Goldenfold's got more control here than I anticipated. I mean, the guy teaches high-school math. I didn't take him for an active dreamer. We've got to take him out so he wakes up, Morty but we can't get killed. If you get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Morty.
Morty: What?! Are you kidding me?! Ohhhhhh!
Rick: Don't be a baby! You avoid getting shot in real life all the time, Morty. Just do the same thing here, and we'll be fine!
Jerry: Now bring me my slippers.
Summer: Now, be my footstool, Snuffles.
Jerry: This is what I'm talking about. This is a dog.
Jerry: You said the same thing, equally sarcastically, at our wedding and guess what?
Snuffles: Ooowwwwowowwaawaa!
Summer: Oh, my God! He's trying to tell us something. That is so awesome.
Snuffles: Aaaawwaaaaawaawa!
Jerry: Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna".
Snuffles: Ooooyayawawa!
Summer: He's saying "I love Obama". So cute! I'm posting this online, like, right now.
Jerry: I should call Bob Saget. Is that still a thing?
Snuffles: Hmm?
Rick: Goldenfold, we're coming out! We just want to talk!
Rick: Because we're both rational adults that don't want anything bad to happen. And because I have a human shield.
Mr. Goldenfold: Mrs. Pancakes! AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
Rick: Oh, no, Morty. His subconscious is panicking.
Rick: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa!
Morty: Whooooa! Whoooooooa! Whoa! Whooooooooaaaaa!
Morty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Rick: Relax, Morty. Look! Mrs. Pancakes has a parachute. Come on!
Mrs. Pancakes: Hey, you don't know me!
Morty: Oh, no, Rick, look! Goldenfold landed the plane, and he's created a mechanical arm to pluck Mrs. Pancakes out of the air while he lets us fall - into a giant vat of lava!
Rick: Pretty concise, Morty. Looks like we've merely prolonged the inevitable. That's it, Morty! Prolonging the inevitable! Listen, if we go into Mrs. Pancakes' dream, everything will go 100 times slower, Morty. That'll buy us some time to figure this out!
Mrs. Pancakes: You don't know m-
Rick: All right, let's go.
Morty: Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird.
Rick: Don't judge, Morty.
Morty: Okay. All right, well Look, Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up.
Rick: Whoa, whoa, Morty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. If we're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. I'll talk to you after lunch.
Morty: Ooh, oh! Oh, man.
Morty: I'm sorry. No, no.
Morty: No, thanks!
Morty: No, I'm okay.
Morty: Whoa!
Summer: Hey, there, stranger. What do you think of these things?
Morty: Ohh! Oh! Gross! Gross!
Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the matter with you, Morty? Calm down! You're kind of killing the vibe in here.
Morty: It's Summer! Aw, geez.
Summer: Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy. Let's make an inter-generational sandwich.
Rick: Time to go another dream deep, Morty!
Morty: What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold's dream version of Mrs.
Rick: Geez, I don't know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?
Scary Terry: Welcome to your nightmare, bitch! RAAAAAWWWRRR!
Rick: Oh, here we go!
Morty: Ooooooohhhhh! Holy crap!
Rick: Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an '80s horror character with miniature swords for fingers instead of knives.
Scary Terry: I'm scary Terry. You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
Jerry: Whoa! Hey, buddy. What you got going on there?
Snuffles: Snuffles fix. Make better.
Summer: Humans understand snuffles now? That is awesome!
Snuffles: Snuffles want to be understood. Snuffles need to be understood.
Jerry: Okay, yeah. I get what Beth was talking about. Fun's over.
Summer: Whoa, dad, you can't, like, endow a creature with sentience and then rip it away.
Jerry: Why not?
Summer: I don't know. It's Indian giving.
Summer: Aw! Oh, my God! He recognizes the other dogs on TV.
Rick: Holy crap! We have to escape into someone else's dreams, Morty!
Morty: Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man!
Rick: The little girl!
Morty: Huh?
Rick: Are you kidding me? This again? Oh, man, it looks like we've hit dream bedrock here, Morty.
Morty: Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-whoa, this isn't good.
Scary Terry: Nothing but fear from here on out, bitch!
Morty: Ohhhh!
Rick: Holy crap, Morty. He can travel through dreams. He can travel through dreams! We're so screwed!
Snuffles: Where are my testicles, Summer? ... Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Snuffles: Do not call me that!
Snuffles: "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.
Summer: Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me.
Snuffles: Scaring you?
Summer: AAAAAAAHHH!!!!!
Snuffles: Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the dachshund?
Summer: Uhhh ...
Jerry: Hey. Oh, wow. Okay, is is is everything okay in here?
Snuffles: Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again?
Summer: Yeah. Totally. Let's go.
Snuffles: You will walk when it is time to walk.
Rick: What are we here for again? Incepting? We're trying to incept-
Morty: We're trying to incept me to get an "A" in math?
Rick: Oh, yeah.
Scary Terry: Buckle up, bitch!
Morty: Ooooooaaahhh!
Morty: Man, he sure says "bitch" a lot!
Scary Terry: You can run, but you can't hide, bitch!
Rick: Hold on, Morty. Y-you know what? He keeps saying we can run but we can hide. I say we try hiding.
Morty: But that's the opposite of what-
Rick: Yeah, well, since when are we taking this guy's advice on anything?
Morty: Hey, you know what? You got a really good point there, Rick. Like, if the truth was that we could hide, it's not like he'd be sharing that information with us, you know? I-I-I think it's a good idea, Rick.
Rick: Worst-case scenario we're back to running.
Morty: Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time. Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking.
Rick: Thanks, Morty. Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while.
Scary Terry: You can run But you can't hide!
Rick: Oh, this is perfect, Morty. Look at that. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move.
Jerry: Snuffles, we didn't mean you any harm! This is a huge misunderstanding.
Summer: Dad, he wants to be called snowball.
Jerry: Well, I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous.
Snuffles: You're being very aggressive, Jerry. Perhaps tomorrow Dr. Scraps will solve that problem with a bit of surgery.
Jerry: Huh! You think you can control me with a haircut?
Scary Terry: I don't want to talk about it!
Scary Terry: Yeah, I know, I know. I shouldn't take my anger out on you or Scary Brandon. I love you, Melissa.
Rick: Morty, this is perfect. After a little scary coitus, they should be fast asleep and then we'll incept him.
Rick: Looks like scary Terry's having a nightmare.
Morty: Oh, boy, Rick. I can only imagine what horrible things must, you know scare Scary Terry.
Scary Terry: Oh, no! I'm late to class, bitch! Oh, no! I'm not wearing any pants!
Scary Terry: Oh, uh, um ... "Bitch."
Rick: Yeah, this is a bunch of bullcrap. Who cares what stupid pun you make when you kill someone? Why don't you let the poor guy say whatever he wants?
Rick: You're putting too much pressure on yourself, scary Terry. You know, I mean, y-you're perfectly scary enough as it is.
Morty: Hey, yo, scary T., don't even trip about your pants dawg. Here's a pair on us, fool.
Scary Terry: Aww, bitch. I don't know what to say.
Morty: You don't need to say anything. We got you, dawg.
Rick: You're our boy, dawg. Don't even trip.
Scary Terry: Oh, hey, it's you guys!
Scary Terry: If you guys ever need anything, just say the word.
Rick: As a matter of fact, Terry, there is something you could help us with.
Scary Terry: I always hated that song!
Scary Terry: These halves don't belong together, bitch!
Scary Terry: Sex is sacred!
Scary Terry: This is because you don't give Morty Smith good grades, bitch!
Mr. Goldenfold: Holy crap! God damn! I know one thing for sure I'm giving Morty an "A" in math, and that's my idea. That is an original thought.
Morty: What the hell?
Rick: Out of the frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Morty?
Morty: Oh, man, what's going on?
Rick: Well, it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Morty.
Jerry: I can't believe how mean snuffles got just because he's smart.
Summer: This is why I choose to get C's.
Rick: Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer.
Morty: - Dad! - Rick!
Rick: If we hurry we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over.
Jerry: Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it.
Rick: It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination. But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?
Jerry: Wait a minute. I have an idea. Gentlemen, a moment of your time. See that? I'm peeing all over your special guns. That means I own them.
Snuffles: Bad person. Bad.
Rick: Ooh, great plan, Jerry.
Snuffles: Bring the boy to me. You were always kind to me, Morty. That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side.
Morty: Th-thanks, snuffles.
Snuffles: Begin phase two.
Morty: Mmm. Thank you, Fido. Rick! I thought you were dead!
Rick: No, no, no, I was just playing dead. Good news, though, Morty. This whole thing's gonna be over really soon.
Morty: What?
Rick: It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside snuffles' dream.
Morty: But I-it's been like a whole year!
Rick: It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like "Inception," Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Morty: Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
Rick: No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty. You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Morty: Aw, man, geez! Seriously?
Rick: Look, d-d-d-don't worry about it, Morty. Here, here take these, Morty. Take these.
Morty: Are these pills supposed to wake me up, or something?
Rick: Close. It's gonna make your kidneys shut down.
Morty: What?!
Rick: It's necessary for the plan, Morty. Don't even trip, dawg.
Snuffles: Anything. Anything for my precious Morty.
Snuffles: To hell with my kingdom, bean counter. I would trade it all for my human's health and happiness.
Snuffles: We are not them! We are not them.
Snuffles: Taking over the human's world will lead to nothing but more heartbreak, more cruelty. Instead, we will go to a new world and colonize it with a society of intelligent dogs, one that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory.
Morty: I'm gonna miss you, snowball.
Snuffles: You can call me snuffles, Morty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.
Beth: Jerry?
Jerry: I'm sorry. It's just like the end of "Old Yeller.
Beth: Oh, Jerry. You mean because it had dogs in it.
Morty: Wow! A whole world populated by intelligent dogs. I wonder what it'll be like, Rick.
Rick: I think it will be great, Morty. You know it could be developed in-into a very satisfying project for people of all ages. I mean, I'd watch it, Morty, for at least 11 minutes a pop. You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven.
Morty: You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick.
Rick: What do you know, Morty? What do you know?
Rick: Oooh! This is how you dream, bitch.


Principal Vagina: Principal Vagina here, don't let the name fool you, I'm very much in charge, reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don't know how many times I have to say this but if you have the flu, stay home, the flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration. You don't bring dead babies to Passover.
Morty: Ohhh. Okay, here we go. H-Heyy Jessica, ughh.
Jessica: What's up Morty?
Morty: Ugghh
Brad: What are you doing?
Morty: Ummm
Brad: Wait, wait, Were you about to talk... to her?
Morty: Well, I mean, I was thinking about it.
Brad: Dude, Stay in your league! Look at how hot she is! You don't see me going to a bigger school, in a wealthier district and hittin' on their prettiest girl!
Jessica: Gee, thanks, Brad.
Brad: I throw balls far. You want good words, date a languager.
Jerry: Eh, Try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.
Morty: You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls, I want Jessica!
Jerry: Ahhh, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named your mom, and that's not an urban dis, your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her, I thought...
Rick: I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me.
Jerry: I beg your pardon, Rick, INAPPROPRIATE.
Rick: Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy, Morty, his marriage is hanging from a thread.
Jerry: My marriage is fine, thank you.
Rick: Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.
Morty: Come on, Rick, don't talk about my parents like that.
Rick: Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.
Morty: Alright, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm just going to...check on your mom.
Rick: Morty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Morty. It's gonna be great.
Morty: Hey, listen, Rick. You know how you said that, you know... love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier? Well, I was thinkn', you know, www... could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort of thing, you know, like maybe make some sort of love potion or something?
Rick: Morty, that's such a poor use of my time, it's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver.
Morty: YOU KNOW WHAT, NO RICK! I'M NOT GONNA HAND YOU THE SCREWDRIVER! Uh, I'm never gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick. I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. Www...what about me, Rick? Www... why can't you just help me out once, once, for once?
Rick: You're growing up fast, Morty. You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass! Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole. You know what a VOLE is, Morty, you know what a vole is?
Rick: It's a, it's a rodent that mates for life, Morty. This is the chemical release in the mammal's brain, ...that makes it fall in love. Alright Morty, I just gotta combine it with some of your DNA.
Morty: Oh well, okay...
Rick: A hair, Morty, I need one of your hairs! This isn't Game Of Thrones.
Morty: Oww!
Rick: Alright, Morty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Ya happy now, Morty?
Morty: Heck yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick! Hey there's no dangers or anything or side effects, right?
Rick: Www.. what am I, a hack?! Go nuts, Morty, it's full proof.
Rick: Ugh, unless she has the flu.
Jerry: Beth, do you still love me?
Beth: Want kinda question is that?
Jerry: The "yes" or "no" kind.
Beth: Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?
Jerry: Yess.
Beth: Are you gonna build them?
Jerry: Noo.
Beth: Then what good was the "yes"?
Jerry: Wait, iii... is loving me the house or the homeless people?
Beth: Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody want to say "no" to doing it, but some people put the work in. So what do ya say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
Jerry: Sort of.
Beth: But I obviously sort of love you, don't I? So stop asking and maybe I'll love you more. Crap, They need me at the horse hospital.
Jerry: This late?
Beth: The racetrack had a starlit derby, there's a seven horse collision, and Davin's there alone.
Morty: Hey there, Jessica. Whooa-whoopsie!
Jessica: Omigod, Morty. You look REALLY nice tonight.
Morty: WOW, thanks!
Jessica: I love you, Morty. I love you so much it burns!
Morty: Oh man. I love you too, Jessica!
Brad: Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?
Jessica: LEAVE HIM ALONE, JERK! I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! HE'S MORE MAN THEN YOU WILL EVER BE!
Brad: Aw man, Morty, ugh, I'm really sorry.
Morty: Oh, well, no problem Brad.
Brad: There's somethin' special bout you, somethin' special.
Morty: Whoa, take it easy!
Jessica: GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM!
Brad: BACK OFF I'M TRYING TO BE WITH MY MAN!
Principal Vagina: That's enough Bradley. We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.
Brad: Oh, Principal Vagina.
Jessica: Never leave me, Morty, NEVER.
Morty: Uh, sure. I mean, of course not. What do you think that was all about?
Jessica: Who cares? Just hold me.
Brad: LET ME GO!!! I LOVE YOU MORTY!
Jerry: She's gonna be alone with that guy all night.
Summer: Yeah, Dad, digging around the inside of horses. It's not a very romantic setting.


Summer: Hurry up Morty, Grampa's about to unfreeze time. You know you really should be cleaning from top to bottom.
Morty: I know how to vacuum Mom and Dad, Summer, I've been doing it for six months!
Summer: Then you've been doing it wrong for six months. Oh, my God, is that mildew?
Morty: It's not my fault we froze time on a humid day!
Summer: You have dropped so many balls, man. Do you ever get scared Grampa Rick might make me his new sidekick?
Morty: What? What kind of monster are you?
Summer: A competent one.
Rick: Who cares about the thing you guys are talking about? The whole point of freezing time is to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing.
Rick: Alright, listen, you two, we froze time for a pretty long time, so when I unfreeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize.
Morty: Our time is gonna be unstable? What does that even mean?
Rick: It means relax and stop being a pussy, Morty. I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards.
Morty: Wait a minute, what?
Rick: And away we go!
Morty: Uh, did we ever put that mattress under Mr. Benson?
Rick: Shhh, Morty!
Jerry: ...A THING OR TWO ABOUT... wait, what? Was the house...? When we pulled up I could have sworn the house was completely trashed.
Rick: Negative visualization, Jerry. It explains a lot about where you're at. Hi, sweety.
Beth: Hi, dad.
Beth: Summer, Morty, are you okay?
Morty: W-We just missed you a lot.
Summer: Yeah, we missed you so much. Too much to hug you though.
Rick: Yeah it would literally destroy them. Now listen, why do-why do-why-why don't you guys go get a free sunday ice cream, go out there and get some ice creams. Here's five hundred dollars cash in unmarked moneys. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and uh, kick it on over to ya. You guys go nuts.
Jerry: This better not be a bribe. If I find a single thing out of place in this house, my love of ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket.
Beth: Sweety, is your shirt on backwards?
Morty: Oh!
Rick: Uh oh.
Jerry: Yeah, I like it this way. I'm not stupid.
Morty: Phew...
Rick: Man that guy is the Red Grin Grumble to pretending he knows what's going on. Oh you agree, huh? You like that Red Grin Grumble reference? Well guess what? I made him up. You really are your father's children. Think for yourselves, don't be sheep.
Summer: God, I feel terrible.
Rick: Yup, it really makes you appreciate how fickle the universe can be. One minute you're falling off a roof for six months, the next minute, bam!
Morty: Uh, just to be clear, it was Summer's job to put the mattress under-
Summer: Uh, what? It was your job, Morty.
Morty: Nuh uh!
Summer: Yeah huh!
Rick: Actually, sorry Summer, I gotta back the M bomb on this one. I remember the conversation. We told Morty to replace all the bank's money with cookies, your job was to put the mattress under Mr. Benson.
Morty: Boom! In your face Summer! You really dropped the ball, man.
Summer: Shut up Morty, you vindictive little turd!
Morty: You shut up you big... female asshole!
Summer: I didn't!
Morty: You didn't what?
Morty: What's yours?
Morty: You shut up!
Rick: Whoa whoa wh-what the hell hell hell hell hell?
All Ricks: Oh God, oh no, what did you guys just do?
Summer 1: What do you mean?
All Summers: Wait, what am I saying?
Rick: Were either of you guys uncertain about anything just now?
All Mortys: Oh man... I don't feel good.
Morty 1: Am I me? I think so.
Morty 2: A-am I talking right now?
All Mortys: Wait, who said that?
All Ricks: Alright both of you, just don't move, don't speak, don't think. I have to check something.
Summer 1: What should we do Morty?
Morty 1: Let's see if he needs help.
Morty 2: What do you mean you're gonna help him.
Summer 1: Ugh, I can help too.
All Summers: What's happening Grampa?
All Ricks: Shut up! Oh crap are you kidding me? Two dots? This never needs to be more than one dot. The two of you made us uncertain!
Morty 1: What do you mean?
Morty 2: What? In English?
Summer 1: What? English please?
All Ricks: Our time is fractured. You two somehow created a feedback loop of uncertainty that's split our reality into two equally possible impossiblities. W-we're exactly like a man capable of sustaining a platonic friendship with an attractive female co-worker. We're entirely hypothetical.
All Mortys: But I thought there were infinite timelines.
All Ricks: We're not on any timeline, dummy. Look.
All Mortys: Oh, my God!
All Summers: Are those cats?
All Ricks: I assume they're Schrodinger's cats. A-actually, I assume they both are and aren't, just like us.
All Ricks: "Mom and Dad?" Get your head out of your family's ass. The three of us are lost in a timeless oblivion. Your parents get to exist. They're probably living it up in some pointless grounded story about their shitty marriage.
Jerry: Cold Stone Creamery is the best. What should we do with our remaining twenty dollars?
Beth: You realize they sing no matter how much you tip.
Beth: Holy shit! What happened?
Jerry: I hit a deer! W-we have to tell the cops you were driving.
Beth: W-what?
Jerry: This is Rum Raisin!
Beth: It's still alive.
Jerry: Well, do we- do I uh, get a big rock? Or-
Beth: It's not an armadillo, asshole!
Jerry: I thought that's what a man's supposed to say, it's not like I could have actually done it.
Beth: If we were near a hospital, I could treat it, but I-I think we have to just-
Jerry: It's okay, this is just something that happens. And even if we were in a hospital, what could we do, you're a horse surgeon, not a deer surgeon.
Beth: So...
Jerry: Well don't different animals-
Beth: Require different levels of skill to keep alive?
Jerry: Oh God...
Beth: Get the deer in the car, Jerry.
Jerry: Yes Beth.
All Ricks: This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible.Morty 1
Morty 2: And you did it so you could clean the house after a party?
All Ricks: Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is".
Morty 1: Or...
Morty 2: Or?
All Ricks: We "isn't"
All Ricks: Alright, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.
All Ricks: Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!
Rick: Huh, what do you know, it's working
Summer 1: Ow, ow ouch!
Morty 2: Whoa, ow, ow.
Rick: Oh shit.
All Ricks: What the hell is wrong with you two!? I-I m-I m-I mean you four!?
All Ricks: Good I'm glad it was painful. You do deserve it! I saw you, you're both all over the damn place. We've been split for twenty minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind? What the hell do either of you have to be so uncertain about? Your brand of zit cream? Which chair to sit in while I do everything? Come on, spit it out!
All Mortys: Well you don't exactly make it easy, Rick!
Morty 1: You make fun of me all the time and now Summer's doing it too!
Morty 2: You're always picking on me and now you got someone to kiss your ass!
Summer 1: Me? What about you? Would you get more excited to see me fail? You want Grampa all to yourself!
All Ricks: Alright, cool it, I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, you both wanna be "Grampa's favorite." I can fix this. Morty sit here, Summer, you sit here. Now listen, I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grampa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit. Yeah, I can prove it mathematically. Actually, let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming anyway.
Beth: Emergency, wounded deer coming in.
Vet: Three. Excuse me, you can't be back here.
Beth: I'm a certified horse surgeon, and this deer needs medical attention. Nurse, please move that snake.
Vet: That's my nurse, and as a horse surgeon, I'm sure that you know that deer have much smaller, much more intricate organs-
Beth: As a vet, I'm sure you know a deer is closer to a horse than you are to a doctor, so let's save the measuring for when our dicks are out, it's time to save a life!
Vet: Geez...
Beth: That's odd, this deer's wounded.
Jerry: Uh, yeah, I was there, you don't have to rub it in.
Beth: I mean it's been shot. With a gun.
Vet: May I help you, sir?
Vet: Look, I don't know what the law says about this, but I took an oath that I would let no animal come to harm. Except when sterilizing, aborting or euthenizing them and also when eating them at almost any meal.
Beth: In your dreams, bitch! Scalpel!
All Ricks: So in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy hysterical bird brained homunculi. And I honestly can't tell the two of you half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical. Alright, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world?
All Ricks: Alright, perfect. Sit still, arms down, I'm gonna do this again, this time, be like Grampa.
Morty 2: You mean drunk?
Morty 2: No.
All Ricks: Huh, that's weird. Oh, my God.
All Summers: What?
All Ricks: That son of a bitch is gonna kill me!
All Mortys: Rick what the hell are you doing?
All Ricks: Saving our lives. After he takes me out he's gonna be coming for you!
All Summers: Who?
All Ricks: Me!
All Summers: Ahh!
All Mortys: Whoa whoa!
All Ricks: Oh God, now there's three of them, we're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! Wait, don't don't do that, they'll know... wait wait, think about getting in the cupboards but don't really. AAAAH IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT YOU SICK FUCKS? YOU WANNA SEE CHILDREN DIE?
Beth: You son of a bitch, you don't stop living until I SAY SO!
Vet: Who's this now?
Jerry: She normally works on horses.
Beth: Jerry, if you're not gonna help, get the fuck out of here! I will reach into heaven and yank your screaming deer soul back!
Vet: Jesus...
All Ricks: Shh shh... I know where you are, you creepy old monster... I know how you think! Oh, is this where you think I'm going? You think I'm standing here? Well maybe you're right!
All Summers: Holy shit, now what?
All Mortys: Well if all of me knocked out all the Ricks, and you peed in all of your pants, doesn't that mean that we're all synchronized?
All Summers: Right.
All Mortys: Okay... so from now on, whatever we do we have to be certain.
All Summers: Right...
All Mortys: I think I'm certain we're F'd in the A.
All Ricks: Oh God, my head. What did you guys do?
All Mortys: We put you in a dog crate because you were acting crazy, and you caused another time fracture.
All Summers: You tried to kill yourself!
All Ricks: Only in self defense, myself tried to kill me first! Guys, I don't expect you to understand this, but time breaking twice means our problem is two times bigger and we've got half as much time to solve it. Well actually, I do expect you to understand that, it's basic math. C-could someone just let me out of here? If I die in a cage I lose a bet.
All Summers: Well is there some way you can prove you're not a threat to yourself and others anymore?
All Ricks: Ah, for God's sake, alright here, give me the time crystal.
All Mortys: W-what're you doing?
All Ricks: Calling myself. Here, listen, it'll probably go to voice mail since, you know, I'm calling myself.
All Ricks: Don't fall for it, it's a bit.
All Ricks: Hey Rick, it's Rick. Listen, I'm sorry about earlier. No hard feelings. I know you know I mean it too. Take it easy. Whoa. Damn, look at this, I'm blown up. Three new voicemails. Yeah yeah, I heard this one. You get the idea we're cool now.
All Summers: Okay, well we're still not gonna let you out of this crate.
All Ricks: Fine I'll just do it myself.
All Mortys: If you could get out that whole time why didn't you?
All Ricks: Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty. That's the difference between you and me. I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.
All Mortys: You know, geez Rick, y-y-you're really tearing into me right now. You know, words hurt.
Morty 1: Oh, my God!
Morty 2: It's a monster!
Summer 1: It's a monster!
Testicle Monster A: Ey, ye ey, quit yellin' quit yellin'.
Testicle Monster A: What the fuck?! Your time is all ripped up to hell! You broke your time, twice!
Testicle Monster A: How did this happen?
Testicle Monster A: Shut the fuck up! Oh, damn, I'm from the 4th dimension. I can hear all o' y'all. Now let's just see what we got here for a second.
Testicle Monster A: Ay, damn it, were you tryin' to use this to- oh, see, you broke time, and you thought you could just stick it back together with this? How you think you gonna move time while you're standin in it you dumn ass three-dimensional monkey ass dummies?
All Mortys: Oh way to go, Rick.
All Summers: Yeah Grampa, way to go.
All Ricks: Oh, what you're just gonna listen to this guy now? He's got a giant testicle for a head! He came here in a bubble. For all we know he could be the David Berkowitz of Nutsack Land.
Testicle Monster A: Shut up. Here, put these on. They'll sync your possibilities up so I can bring you back to certain time. Y'all just-just negligent, now ay, ay, ay, the three of you, put your collars on!
Testicle Monster A: Exactly, because you're being obstinate.
Rick: Yes, we're back, problem solved.
Summer: Yes, we're back to our own time.
Morty: Yes no more cats, no more cats, oh you did it, you fixed it.
Testicle Monster A: Yeah, now keep those collars on so you don't break your weak ass time again.
Rick: How long exactly do we have to wear these things? They're really embarassing.
Testicle Monster A: Well since you're goin' to time prison, I'd say you can keep em on forever.
Summer: Time prison?
Testicle Monster A: Yeah, well I don't know where you expect me to think you got that crystal over there, but the only way you dumb ass, assin' ass asses could ever have one, is if it was stolen.
Summer: You stole a time freezing crystal from testical monsters?
Rick: I would have been happy to pay for it, Summer, but they don't exactly sell them at Costco. Besides, there's a larger lesson to be learned here. Get him!
Testicle Monster A: Ututututut! You'd better keep back! Man this will turn your ass into a third trimester fetus from 30 yards.
Vet: Hmm...
Beth: Isn't there a kitten somewhere that needs a manicure?
Jerry: Honey, it's gonna be okay. These men are from the Cervine Institute of Elk, Moose Deer and Stag. They can take this deer to a helicopter and fly it to the country's top deer surgeon on a wildlife reserve across the state border, where your jurisdiction ends.
Vet: I guess that's the end of that.
Jerry: We did it...
Testicle Monster A: Uh-huh, no motha- no, Earth, dude, I'm talking 'bout, yeah, with the dinosaurs. No, if you've get to the dolphin people, you've gone too far. Alright man, I'll talk to you later, okay. You know what they do with 3rd dimensional life forms in time prison? Same thing they do in every other prison, only forever.
Morty: Why are you doing this?
Testicle Monster A: You think I wanna be an omniscient immortal being transcending time and space my whole life? I got ambitions man, bringin' you guys in is my ticket up.
Rick: What if I told you there's a huge ticket up right behind you?
Testicle Monster A: You really think I'm that stupid?
Rick: Alright, hear me out on this. You're immortal, right, which means your life is infinite. Well in that case there's 100% chance that you'll eventually do everything, including turning around to look behind you.
Testicle Monster A: I cannot argue that.
Rick: Ah, God, gross and weird!
Testicle Monster A: Chris!
Testicle Monster A: You killed my gun!
Rick: Summer, Morty, take off your collars!
Testicle Monster A: What? What the hell are you doing?
Rick: Good question. I suppose the answer is
Testicle Monster A: Oh, no, what are you doin'?
Testicle Monster A: Lis- ay, to, AH. But these arms are vestigial. Now you poked me where an eye would have been about six million years ago.
Testicle Monster A: Ow, I'm defeated...
Jerry: Look, I know I was kind of a nuisance today. I know it's my fault we hit the deer, and I know you wanted to be the one to save it.
Beth: Whatever. How petty would I have to be to care less about an animal's life than my own ego?
Jerry: Hmm... you'd have to be pretty petty. But you'd still be the woman I married.
Beth: Where are we going?
Jerry: One last stop.
Beth: Where's the helicopter?
Jerry: There is no helicopter and there is no Cervine Institute.
Beth: But the top deer surgeon...
Jerry: I'm looking at her. Thanks for F.D.'ing me up like that.
Beth: I need five minutes.
Beth: Jerry, this was the most romantic weekend I've ever had.
Jerry: Thanks to Cold Stone Creamery.
Morty: Yes, oh, yes, yes!
Summer: Woohoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Morty: Oh, that was a close call. Oh yeah, do it Rick, do it right.
Rick: You know what I'm talking about, oh yeah. I'm gonna do the cabbage patch, Morty. Check me out I'm doing the cabbage patch dance. It's a classic dance, remember, like this. Oh shit look at that.
Morty: Do the cabbage patch. Do-do-do the dance.
Summer: Hey wait a second, how come you guys took longer to get here?
Morty: I don't know. I think like one sixty-fourth of my collars didn't work. It's hard to keep straight now that I have sixty-three other memories of everything.
Rick: Yeah.
Morty: But I feel like one of the sixty-four Ricks like, sacrificed himself for me, maybe, I think.
Rick: Shut up, Morty. The last time you felt something, we all almost died. You little s-piece of shit.
Beth: Hey guys, we're home.Morty & Summer
Jerry: Um, hold the phone, where did you guys get those necklaces from? Uh, Lady Gaga, table for three, am I right?
Jerry: Are you guys Power Rangers? But only on one small part of your necks? Hey, do those things need batteries? Were they included? Clean up in the fruit isle! Not in a homophobic way though, they're just fruity necklaces is all I was saying.
Beth: I'm gonna pee my pants.
Morty: Doesn't feel so good, does it?
Rick: No it doesn't. It hurts.
Beth: I'm gonna pee-hee-hee.
Jerry: Somebody call the planet of Tron, we have three Tron people over here. But seriously, are these Halloween costumes? Are you going as motorcycles? With green headlights instead of normal ones? Are you dogs? Robot dogs? Gosh, you guys are lame. Are those chokers from the 90's? What is this, a 90's nostalgia thing? Are you guys in that movie "The Craft" with Fairuza Balk?
Testicle Monster A: Hey man, when the hell were you?
Testicle Monster A: I told you past the dinosaurs.
Testicle Monster A: Come on, man, it's this way...
Testicle Monster A: There he is, there he is, there he is, there he is, stop, stop.
Testicle Monster A: Yeah, that's him. Hey, man, remember me? I got something for your ass! You don't mess with time! You don't fuck with time, motherfucker!


Jerry: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk.
Beth: Jerry, get a job.
Rick: Uh, w-why don't you get it Jerry? you're the man of the house and you don't have a job.
Summer: Gross, what is that thing?
Rick: Ughhhh... belchflies towards front doorTurning back around and re-entering dining roomScoffsHovers over Jerry and fully shoves him into underside before flying away through open front door and into skyRuns to front doorFollow BethLooking into skyStill eating cerealUnscrewing and drinking from scotch flaskMorty waveskissing Beth's handHolding a suit in a dry cleaning bag* Your language has 'squanch,' in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out like the Smurf thing?
Rick: Beth, Squanchy culture is more... contextual than literal. You just say what's in your squanch and people understand.
Beth: Oh, okay... I squanch my family.
Beth: What? I do, I squanch my family.


Rick: Oh boy. Time to go, Morty.
Morty: Uhh, where?
Rick: The Pentagon. I mean, not THE Pentagon. The lame one, here on Earth.
Summer: Is it God? If it's God, do we get out of school?
Beth: It's not God, Summer.
Jerry: She's allowed to think it's God if she wants, honey!
Beth: Shut up, Jerry.
Jerry: Ok...
Beth: Dad, what do you know about this?
Rick: Morty and I are going to look into it. You guys hold tight.
Mr. Goldenfold: Scary stuff, huh? Pretty freaky. Hi, I'm Morty's math teacher. I'm also part of the street team inviting folks to the church downtown so we can pray together.
Beth: How is praying going to help?
Mr. Goldenfold: Ma'am, a giant head in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you wanna play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!
President: Gentlemen, gentlemen, one at a time! Simon?
Nathan: Have you tried sending it launch codes? Mr. President, what America's got is 70,000 megatons of KABOOM-BOOM! And I say we show it right up this floating head's ass!
Rick: Stay back! This watch turns people into snakes!
President: Stand down. Everybody stand down! I'm the leader of these people and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery.
Rick: My name is Rick Sanchez. This here's my grandson Morty.
Morty: Hey.
Rick: I've seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we've got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won't go away until Earth shows them it's got a hit song.
Rick: No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly-written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms.
President: All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream?
Rick: You're gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.
Nathan: How do you know about that?
President: For God's sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps.
President: What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?
President: Dear God.
Rick: Good luck, Mr. President.
President: Sanchez! Are you a musician?
Rick: I dabble, Mr. President.
President: Get this man and his grandson on a Blackhawk to Area 51.
Principal Vagina: Hi, Principal Vagina. The name's real, possibly Scandinavian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch. The old gods are dead. Fuck all previous existing religions. All hail the one true god, the giant head in the sky.
Principal Vagina: Ah, di di di di. Bob, Bob, I get it. But unless this can beat that... what have you done for me lately? So if you wanna excuse me, I'm going out on the sidewalk and dropping to my knees and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the fucking weather! Outta my way!
Mr. Goldenfold: Ohhhh, this is my favorite part!
Morty: Rick, are you really a musician?
Rick: Who's NOT a musician, Morty?
Morty: Me!
Rick: Yeah, not with that attitude.
Morty: B-b-but we don't have a song!
Principal Vagina: Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we've done. We're sorry for increased levels of emissions and our racism. And of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone.
Rick: All right, Morty, let's get ready to do it! Why don't you, uh, find a button on one of those keyboards and lay down some kind of beat?
Morty: Rick, I think we need to cut our losses. We get our family and portal out of here!
Rick: Morty! Good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Morty! Gimme a beat!
Morty: Oh man, ok, all right, um...
Rick: Ahhhhh yeahhhhh Ya gotta get schwifty Ya gotta get schwifty in here It's time to get schwifty
Nathan: Get... schwifty? What the hell is that?
President: It's our world's best effort, that's what.
Rick: Take off your pants and your panties Shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here I'm Mr. Bulldops
Nathan: Mr. Bulldops?
President: Don't analyze it, Nathan. It's working!
Rick: Take a shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here
Summer: Listen! The storm is stopping!
Rick: Hey, take your pants off It's schwifty time today
Principal Vagina: Please be kind to us for we are but tiny things with entire bodies stuck to your ground.
Beth: Now hold on a second, let's be rational about this.
Beth: No, I'm... I'm just saying, we don't know if there's a cause-effect relationship -
Beth: Oh, God, what's going on now?
President: What the hell happened?
Rick: I think planet Earth has just been transported.
Principal Vagina: The head has left and sent its children!
Beth: Holy CRAP!
Summer: Oh dear giant head, we apologize for that discussion! It will never happen again!
Cromulon: WE ASKED THEM TO SHOW US WHAT THEY GOT. AND THEY DID. NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH OF THEM HAS GOT THE MOST. 24 HOURS, FIVE PLANETS, FIVE SONGS. BUT IN THE END, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. PLANET MUSIC! All participation is involuntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ray.
Rick: Uhh, it's probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead.
Cromulon: Welcome back to Planet Music! First up, let's hear the latest song from planet Parblesnops. The Greebybobes! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.
Cromulon: DISQUALIFIED!
Cromulon: There's one every season. Moving on to planet Arbolez Meterosos. Arbolian Meterososians. SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT.
Morty: Like we're not already under enough pressure!
Rick: Geez, Morty. The guy's just doing his job. Take it easy.
Morty: Rick, Ice-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We've got six hours to come up with a song!
Rick: Genius happens in the moment, Morty.
Morty: Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them with-with-with us if we lose?
Rick: That's planning for failure, Morty. Even dumber than regular planning. Balls.
Rick: Morty, Morty, stop! Listen! There's only so much charge left in this thing. If we portal home from here and back, we're not gonna have enough charge left to get off-world. Get it?
Morty: What?!
Rick: Yeah, you see, I try to shelter you from certain realities, Morty. Cause if I let you make me nervous, then we can't get schwifty.
Morty: Stop saying it like it's a thing! You made it up!
Rick: Hey, Morty! Could you lick my...
Morty: Rick, cut it out! That's not funny, Rick!
Nathan: I've seen enough. These guys are one-hit wonders.
President: And what's your plan, General?
Nathan: We still have the nuclear option. On my word, we can launch a nuclear missile at every one of those heads in the sky.
President: Our planet's held captive on a live game show and your solution is to shoot the audience? You can put your faith in nukes if we get through this, General. Until then, I'll put mine in Rick and Morty. "Get Schwifty" was a jam.
Principal Vagina: Hello? Yes sir, yeah. Thank you sir, thank you. He says he's proud of what we're doing and hopes we have a great Ascension Festival! Happy Ascension!
Beth: We should pack up and leave town now.
Jerry: I think it's inspiring that our community is coping with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream. If you'd stop being such an evangelical atheist, you might start enjoying yourself.
Jerry: Whoa! Look at you! You're wearing the hat and everything!
Summer: Here's yours! Mom, do you mind if I cook dinner tonight?
Beth: Yeah, sure. Wait, what??
Summer: I love you guys. You gave me life. And it's the will of the many heads that all children honor their parents.
Beth: Dinner sounds nice.
Summer: Father, can we please go to the Ascension?
Jerry: Sure! Let's go to the Ascension. Wh-wh-what is it?
Principal Vagina: We hereby send these un-wantables skyward that they might be inhaled by the many heads, later to be sneezed back to us as better babies! Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise. Headward, free now to rise.
Summer: Oh yes, yes! Rise to the giant head! You are free to be free!
Ice-T: A squeegee comes up from the garage, right? And he's got a lobster in one hand and movie tickets in the other. He's like, "I'm ready!"
Ice-T: Who would take a lobster to see Iron Man 3?
Ice-T: Aw, damn. We're out of original flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway.
Rick: Wait, wait, wait! Come on, h-hold on a second!
Morty: What?!
Ice-T: Damn. You didn't tell me you fuck around with portals and shit.
Morty: That's it!
Rick: Whoa, whoa! Morty! Give me that!
Morty: You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down!
Rick: Morty, just put it down. You don't know what you're doing.
Morty: I'm going to go find Mom and Dad.
Rick: Nooooo!
Rick: Ahhhh, shit!
President: Ah, shit.
Morty: Ahhh, shit.
Summer: And then Ethan played guitar and we learned the Seven Contemplations of the Head by singing them. It was really fun. Praise be the head!
Jerry: Yeah.
Principal Vagina: Hi folks, Head Priest Vagina. Thanks for farming all those potatoes. It's 6 p.m., so if you're a parent, you're now entitled to adoration from your children.
Summer: I'm going to start dinner!
Beth: I don't know what to say. Summer is doing really well here.
Jerry: She's aced every test in potato class, and look how important potatoes have become.
Beth: She's not getting pregnant or doing drugs or missing curfew...
Beth: That's not our business as long as Summer is thriving!
Summer: Taco time! I hope it pleases you as the head desires.
Beth: That's wonderful, Summer!
Jerry: We're so proud of you. But honestly, you don't have to make dinner every night.
Summer: Of course I do, silly! Oh my God, daddy, I'm sorry I called you silly! I'm so sorry! Heavenly head and cranial creator! Forgive my transgressions against family and community! May my chores complete me as I complete them!
Birdperson: Morty.
Morty: Birdperson?
Birdperson: You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this, but can promise nothing.
Rick: Wh-What do you think, Ice? Probably a little over-developed.
Ice-T: Shit. Over-developed, under-developed. Bad songs are bad songs.
Rick: Well, do you think maybe, could you give me some help with it, or... ?
Ice-T: Ah, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm sayin'?
Rick: Ice, I don't want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, kind of your problem too.
Ice-T: Pfff. I ain't worried about no Earth blowin' up, man.
Rick: What? Why not?
Ice-T: Yo, this is why.
Rick: What the fuck? You can turn into ice?
Ice-T: My story begins at the dawn of time in the far away realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of the many stops on my lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up! Cause I'll just be ice, floatin' through space, like a comet!
Rick: Take it from me, Ice. You can't just float around space not caring about stuff forever.
Ice-T: Pshhhh. Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick.
President: Ok, things are getting out of hand. I better make sure Rick has everything he needs to "get schwifty."
Nathan: Oh, for God's sake, that's enough.
President: What the hell are you doing, Nathan? I'm the goddamn President of the United fuckin' States!
Nathan: I'm setting the nuclear option to launch one minute into Earth's performance. And you, Mr. President, I hope you like being hit in the face with a gun!
President: Wait, wait, wait, why-why -
Birdperson: I believe I can access the history of Rick's gun and help you get back to him.
Morty: But can you help me get to my family? You know, at my house?
Birdperson: Is your intention to abandon Rick using his own portal gun? In bird culture, this is considered a dick move.
Morty: All of Rick's moves are dick moves! Wh-what am I eating? What is this, bird seed?
Birdperson: It is random debris. I found it in my carpet. I don't know what humans eat.
Birdperson: Don't be gross, Tammy.
Morty: Tammy... gross. Birdperson, you always stick up for Rick, but he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He doesn't think about the consequences of anything he does.
Birdperson: And as a result, he has the power to save or destroy entire worlds. And he is the reason you and I know each other. And the reason I'm alive at all.
Morty: What's that? Who's that baby?
Birdperson: Morty, suppose you could retrieve your family from Earth but had to abandon Rick. I could give your loved ones shelter on Birdworld, even jobs, possibly as worm ranchers. How often do you think you might look up at the stars and wonder what might have been had you just put your faith in Rick?
Cromulon: That was Chunky Tunk with "Full Ming Mong, Empty Gorp Dorp." Up next, planet Earth!
Morty: Oh God! We're up?!?!
Principal Vagina: Jerry and Beth, your family is a golden example of what Headism has to offer the world.
Beth: The world?
Principal Vagina: Headism is a hit. We're taking it worldwide and would like Jerry to be our church's "Head" of Advertising.
Jerry: You... would?
Principal Vagina: Beth, we'd like to promote you from horse surgeon, straight past human surgeon, to "Head" of Medicine.
Beth: That's my dream! That's my dream.
Jerry: Thank you. This is all so overwhelming, but, uh... we can't.
Beth: Absolutely not.
Principal Vagina: I'm sorry?
Beth: We've been waiting 16 years for our daughter to respect us, but the key is, it has to be "our" daughter, not this person she's become.
Jerry: We'll take our chances raising her without fancy new jobs outside of a potato-based religion. And you know what? I'm sick of pretending that we're together because of the kids in the first place! I married you because you're the love of my life!
Beth: And I'm lucky to have you and I never tell you that! You know, we will come out of this stronger as a family!
Beth: Please don't do this, please don't do this! Summer!
Jerry: Summer, listen carefully. I stole a paper clip and I have it in my cheek but I don't know what to do with it and it hurts.
Summer: You're going to be ok! You will come back as babies!
Jerry: I AM a baby! I'm a baby NOW!
Morty: Hello? Is anybody here? Mr. President!
President: This is Bluebird. Code tango-niner-alpha. Abort launch. Abort! Hello? He's blocked me out.
Morty: Sir, I need to get to the stage and help Rick get schwifty!
President: It won't matter how schwifty you get, Morty. The General's got nukes set to launch halfway through Earth's song!
Morty: Oh my God! C-c-can you fly a Blackhawk?
President: Can the Pope's dick fit through a donut?
Morty: Uhhh, I'm not sure?
President: Exactly!
Cromulon: SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.
Rick: Ahem. Uhhh... lop-oo-lop-oo-lop-oo-dups, nop-oo-nop-oo-nop-oo-nuts.
Principal Vagina: Headward free now to rise!
Mr. Goldenfold: Hey! Look at the heads! Looks like the heads are gettin' angry!
President: I'm really bad at this, Morty! There are way too many buttons on this thing!
Morty: Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes, you have to not give a fuck!
Rick: Nup-oo-nup-oo-nup-oo-nups... ooh, tough crowd.
Principal Vagina: I'm sure that has... that has nothing to do with this.
Summer: The heads are displeased!
Rick: Morty!
Mr. Goldenfold: The heads love this! They love it when we DON'T kill the Smith family!
Principal Vagina: No! Stop that! You're not allowed to interpret the will of the heads!
President: Call off the nuclear strike! This is the President. Stop the nuclear missile launch!
Nathan: Just launch the missiles!
Cromulon: BOO! NOT COOL!
Principal Vagina: I'm the only one that speaks to the heads!
Cromulon: DISQUALIFIED!
Mr. Goldenfold: The heads disqualified Vagina! Get him!
Cromulon: DISQUALIFIED! DISQUALIFIED!
Ice-T: That's right, it's me, Ice-T! I care now! You made me care more! With all due respect, I'd like to hear what Rick and Morty have to play.
Morty: What do you say, Rick?
Rick: I say... Let's do it!
Rick: All right!
Morty: Ohhhh yeahhhh!
Rick: Come on, here we go!
Morty: Ohhhh yeahhhh!
Rick: Say it with me!
Principal Vagina: Ohhh my GOOOOODDDD!!!
Cromulon: After 988 seasons of Planet Music, the Cromulons have decided to declare Earth the final winner and bring our musical reality show to a conclusion. Goodbye!
Mr. Goldenfold: Did he just say "musical reality show"?
Jerry: Yeah, it's possible that we may have been correlating some things that weren't actually related at all.
Principal Vagina: HEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!
Beth: We should go get him.
President: I hope I can call on you again if we need you, Morty.
Morty: Sure thing! And I was kinda hoping that I could get a selfie with you?
President: Actually, if you try to tell anyone what happened here, we'll deny it and probably worse.
Morty: Understood.
Nathan: DIIIIEEEE!!!!
President: Why didn't he turn into a snake?
Rick: Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch... snake holster on the leg.
President: I love this man!
Ice-T: Magnesium-J, Hydrogen-F. Father.
Ice-T: I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium.


Rick: Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.You hear me Jerry? You're gonna be fine!
Morty: Woahh!
Rick: ooo... Watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.
Beth: Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?
Rick: I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically the second freezer drawer is mine.
Beth: Not anymore.
Rick: You're overreacting!
Rick: Alright fine, but you're not touching my CRISPR.
Summer: Is he going to die?
Rick: What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy. It's like those pizza places that claim to have the best pizza in the world. What- Do you think they have pizza contests? Have you ever been to a pizza contest?
Beth: Go in the waiting room, Dad.
Rick: Fine! Excuse me. Coming through. What are you here for- Just kidding, I don't care. Well this won't do.
Rick: A sequel.
Rick: Yeah me neither, we pretty much nailed it the first time.
Announcer: Eye-holes! Get them today! IKEA.
Rick: You gotta be careful Morty, if that guy catches you with a box of his eye-holes he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit outta you. But it's worth the risk, they melt in your mouth Morty! They're delicious.
Beth: I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal, we're worried about Jerry.
Rick: Well you're thirty-nine years too late, or however old he is. Is he fifty? Oh man, Beth is, is Jerry fifity!?
Jerry: Where am I?
Alien Doctor: Relax Mr. Smith, you're in an alien hospital. I mean to you it's an alien hospital, to me you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you.
Jerry: My goodness.
Jerry: I see-WAIT! What?
Alien Doctor: It's perfect! The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call "your balls". With relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be molded into a working heart for the most important man in the universe!
Jerry: Yeah, but, I mean-
Jerry: Alright! That's enough. You're talking about my species! We understand genocide, we do it sometimes!
Jerry: Yes I will! That's right, assholes, take my penis, TAKE IT ALL! And tell Shrimply Pimples that when the galaxy came calling Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!
Rick: Hey, what's wrong Morty? Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh?
Morty: Huh? Uh, no no no, I'm-I'm just looking at that lady getting coffee. What's up with her face? Is she a human or is she like Worf. You know Worf, from Star Trek, where he has the shit all over his face but he's just a human in a costume, you know?
Rick: Morty let's-let's see what else is on.
Morty: Okay.
Morty: Whoa! Look! It's that lady with all that shit on her face like Worf from Star Trek! That was getting coffee! How did she get there!
Rick: Oh, man Morty. How DID she get there?
Beth: Is that something we should be concerned about?
Rick: Just stay away from the coffee machine.
Announcer: In a world, where there are eight Jan-Michael Vincent's.
Announcer: And sixteen quadrants. There's only enough time for a Jan-Michael Vincent to make it to a quadrant. He can't be in two quadrants at once.
Morty: Rick, who-who is Jan-Michael Vincent?
Rick: Oh man, I'm trying to remember Morty.
Announcer: Jan-Michael Vincent's are used up.
Morty: Is it important that we know who Jan-Michael Vincent is in order to get this?
Rick: Nope.
Announcer: This January, It's time to Mike down your Vincent's. Jan Quadrant Vincent 16.
Rick: That's Jan-Michaels.
Morty: Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature? Because I think I have Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here.
Rick: All right, Morty you've done it!
Alien Doctor: So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base by making incisions here,here, and here.
Jerry: Got it.
Alien Doctor: Leaving a partial length of severed urethra to be threaded through-
Jerry: Oh, you know what, I gotta laugh at myself here! I'm having a little laugh at myself because I just realized I haven't run this whole decision past my wife.
Alien Doctor: Oh, do you think she'll be okay with this?
Jerry: Oh, absolutely. Beth is automatically on board, always, with every decision I make.
Alien Doctor: Smith family?
Beth: Yes?
Alien Doctor: I wanted to let you all know that Jerry is doing just fine.
Alien Doctor: But, ah, Mrs. Smith, could you come with me?
Jerry: Hi, honey, so, here's the thing-these guys-they want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart, and we just need you to sign off on it.
Beth: WHAT!?!
Jerry: Uh-oh, maybe we have a problem here after all guys. Yikes.
Alien Doctor: His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic, now there's a wide range of options to chose from, they're all in this catalog.
Beth: I don't care about prosthetics, this is insane! What do you people think you're doing?
Alien Doctor: I understand your feelings, Mrs. Smith.
Beth: Oh, I don't think you do. I bring my husband in for emergency medical treatment, he's gone an hour, and now you want his PENIS, and you hand me some... catalog. It's-It's-It's-It's, I mean.
Jerry: Sheesh, well, there you go. Sorry. I know it's hard to understand but on Earth, love comes first.
Alien Doctor: There are those that believe, Mr. Smith, that Shrimply Pibbles represents love between all life. That his fate will determine the fate of hundreds of billions of sentient life forms.
Beth: Woah! Woah. So, billions of life forms?
Alien Doctor: Hundreds of billions.
Beth: I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation.
Jerry: Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her LOVER INTACT.
Beth: Well I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, I think this whole paradigm has sexist overtones.
Jerry: Beth, can we talk about this privately?
Beth: You know, I think, the bottom line is, Jerry, if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud, "I prefer to keep my penis."
Jerry: But, Beth, what kind of man would say something like that if the universe needed his penis!?!
Beth: Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in your way?